Need a cave to hide and cry in

I really hate this time of year.  I love the pretty lights and stuff but for the last... 5 years?  It's just maddening.  I am trying to deal with health stuff and the holidays get in the way. Why can't people just do their fucking jobs?  Why do they go insane just because Christmas is coming up?  Like that takes precedence over everything else.  Well this is my life I'm trying to salvage.  You get paid to help me try to do that so do your fucking job.  I'm sick of dealing with incompetence and it's from every corner of my oncologist office right now.  I'm tired and grumpy because I got 3 phone calls waking me up and it was 100% pure incompetence.  A waste of my fucking sleep time.  I have abnormally high levels of sodium so I got another blood test a week later.  Then my sodium was higher and creatinine was abnormal.  So there's talk of me going to stay in the hospital a few days while a nephrologist pokes and prods me to figure out what's wrong.  Then at the eleventh hour, incompetence.  Taking my sleep away.  Now I am supposed to take another lab test Monday and wait for another nephrologist to call me.  I don't know what the fuck is going on and normally I'd blow this off but silly me did a big of Googling, trying to match what goes with those labs and other stuff I'm dealing with and the only thing it points to is kidney disease/failure, which points to dialysis or a transplant.  NOOOOOO.... Every time I think about it I start bawling.  Sometimes I wonder if my body is just trying to die because it's tired.  I say it's not a big deal but now I'm scared.  I'm really, really scared.  I cannot be tied to a dialysis machine.  I know way too much about that shit.  Just take me behind the shed and shoot me like a lame horse.  That terrifies me too.  Will I be in tons of pain?  Will I linger on suffering?  Will I spend every day shaking in fear?  Why can't things just be normal?

This thing started tonight when I was eating a chocolate ball and suddenly got so nauseous I had to spit it out.  I felt like I was going to puke for about an hour.  I've been feeling like that a lot lately.  Maybe I'm just overreacting and it's a fluke.  My body is just having a momentary sputter before gets going again.  Where's my reboot switch?  Sometimes that's all it needs.

I finally feel like I'm getting out in the world again.  I'm doing stuff and being social and happy and now I want things to be okay and keep going but what if my body is just done with me?  Maybe I wouldn't have all these pauses in figuring it out if Christmas could just go the fuck away and stop getting in my way.

Also I am so goddamned sick and tired of being cold.  I am always fucking COLD.

I am trying to stay focused on the good things in my life.  I'm going to therapy with Shaun to work on our communication skills and make sure we are doing our poly thing the right way.  Then in a month I get a new back yard and I get to start filling it with plants that make flowers and fruit and bring hungry and thirsty little critters.  It is really fun to think about that so let's just keep thinking about that stuff.  My GF is amazing and the relationship is so easy it's weird.  I've never had a really easy relationship before.  We just... fit.  I navigate the biology part because the rest of the package is just so amazing it's totally worth it and I realize that my stance on dating someone transgender was just stupid.  I'm still wrapping my mind around it all but it's all making me a better person.  We are both learning a lot and just want to learn more and more. 

I don't want her to see me this upset though.  I know she'd want to be there to comfort me but I just want to hide away in a corner and have a major freak out and then maybe things will be ok for another minute.

Married to transguy, GF to transwoman... whaaaaaat

Okay so lots has happened in the last month.  My friend died and now we go spend time with his wife about once a week.  I assume the other peeps in our little group are also making sure she has company and it's cool that I got to make some new friends in all that.  Speaking of all that, at some point they are wanting to get a boat and scatter his ashes out in the ocean and it might end up being during the time I planned to go to Peru and speaking of Peru, I decided to postpone my trip.  My original reasons for wanting it are falling away one by one and then there are other factors that have been giving me a constant uneasy feeling about it for months.  I assume that I'll have one chance to go to Peru and do this and I don't want to squander it when my instincts are screaming at me that this is not flowing anymore.  Especially with me going there to do deep interpersonal work, it's crucial that I'm in the right headspace with the right peeps who are also in the right headspace.

In the meantime, C & I had done mushrooms together one night and while snuggling under a blanket together, we were just gliding our fingers over each others arms and hands.  It was sensory play and it was absolutely heavenly.  Un/Fortunately, it also broke something in me and I was super horny 24/7 after that.  Haha!  I eventually talked to C about it and S and asked S if C and I can kiss and he was so flippant about and was like "Whatevs, no big deal".  So yeah, we kissed and it was sweet and tender and gentle.  Oh it was amazing!  Shaun was helping me on the sex side of things and I figured out that for some reason I'm having a hard time having an orgasm and no idea why.  Could it be the antidepressants I'm on?  I'm on a low dose and it wasn't causing a problem like this before but I've also never been horny 24/7 so this is uncharted territory.

So since S said I could do "whatever" as long as I was honest about it, C & I took it to the next level and...omgexplosionsfuuuuuuck.....

So apparently I'm in a poly relationship now and I'm incredibly happy about it.  C & I fit together so amazingly... I mean just as friends we fit amazingly and with the sex stuff it's also pretty perfect.  We both love art and kitties and we just really get each other.  She has the biggest heart and weirdly I don't feel weighed down by baggage when I'm with her and that has NEVER happened in my adult life.  I feel like she's actually having a healing affect on my soul.  She brings out the best in me.  I can tell her absolutely anything and I trust her.  I TRUST her.  That is huge for me. My life is weird and I'm with someone that is an absolutely pure soul.  She also happens to be transgender so that's a whole different thing for me to navigate and not something I ever imagined navigating but for reals, the physical meat sack is the only male thing about her and her beautiful soul just makes all that irrelevant. Plus, lucky me, she has the softest skin.  LOVE.

It feels like fate had a hand in all this... The timing, our 3 personalities being exactly what they are and our compatibility together.  It just might work.  I mean chances are this will all blow up in a spectacular firework show but there's a small chance it might end up working out if we are careful and do things the right way and we have some luck and/or fate on our side.  Our attraction is so strong we can't not try.  So here we are trying to make this crazy thing work that absolutely shouldn't work and lots of people would be happy to badger us about how stupid it is.  But here we are anyway.  I'm keeping it on the DL right now until we can get some time behind us so we shall see what happens.  Until then, I'm enjoying having a relationship with no games, no paranoia, no holding back or following silly dating rules that someone made up about playing it cool or whatever.  We just talk about everything and are completely open and honest and it's amazing.  How has life not ruined her like it has the rest of us?  I just feel incredibly lucky to have her and incredibly grateful to S for agreeing to this.  I feel happier and lighter now.

The Hard Nut

My friend didn't last long on hospice.  Once he got out of the hospital and home, it was maybe a week or so before we got the call that he was actively dying and those who wanted to say good bye needed to come quickly.  I was thinking it would be a matter of hours so we just kind of dropped everything and drove over there as quickly as we could.  S called into work and I just happened to have that night off.  We ended up staying the whole night and became part of a core group of friends and family that would end up taking shifts, always a person by his side and always holding his hand, tagging each other out when someone needed a rest or a bathroom break.  We played Iron Maiden for hours, at his previous request.  One night we spent hours watching professional wrestling but it was mainly Japanese men.  I didn't even know they had their own.  That was possibly the most interactive I saw my friend. For about the first 5 or 10 minutes he seemed to watch it and was entertained.  Other than that there were just a few brief moments where he'd make eye contact or whisper a word.  He was in a lot of pain and could not tolerate being moved, which made things tricky because not moving can also cause pain and then at times he needed to be cleaned up.  That was very taxing on him and it was hard to see how much pain it would cause him.  Also he had a hard time with secretions and coughing was also very painful for him.  We had meds for it but really had to stay on top of it because it took a good 30 to 45 minutes to dry him up.  I went in on a Thursday night and he died early Sunday morning while I was at work.  From what I was told, the last breath was quick and that was it.  It was not too long after they had to clean him up and I think that took whatever energy he had left.  His wife, girlfriend and sister were with him.  It couldn't have been much more perfect really.  S and I went there the next morning after work and chatted a bit with the sister and another friend.  His wife and kids had fallen asleep by then and his body had been taken by the undertakers.  I'm grateful I got to be there those last days.  It was tiring but it was important to me to be there to honor our friendship.  Since then, our little core group has been working together to clean the house, do necessary repairs and give support to the wife and adult kids he left behind.  The plan is sometime in the next year to get a boat and scatter his ashes in the ocean.  I really hope I can make it to that.  I know we will make a concerted effort to do it.  It all leaves me in a quiet contemplative state and wanting to isolate a bit.  It's what I do.

There's really so much more I want to say... No.  There's so much more swirling inside my head but I'm going to leave it there.  I just don't feel like sharing more.  Maybe next time I'll feel like being more forth coming but for now, the hard shell goes back up.

Death's Door and the Fungus Among Us

Last weekend my friend and I and S went to a BnB out in the country.  Initially we were going to go camping to a cool place in Texas that is great for star gazing but apparently everyone else had the same idea so there were no camping spots available for that weekend.  I found a spot closer to town that was supposedly a good spot and seemed pretty private so I booked it.  I had completely forgotten they had a herd of goats you could feed so that was an awesome surprise.  I've always been a little scared of goats because my grandma had a goat that was pretty aggressive when we were kids.  In retrospect, it might have just seemed that way because he was way bigger than me and would try to eat my clothes.  These goats were not exactly aggressive but shall we say... enthusiastic and unafraid.  There was a clear matriarch and what I assume was her baby since this little one that looked like her was the only one she would allow to eat with her.  The others she would try to chase away from the food source.  At some point, C and I decided to go get some actual food (for us) rather than the gas station snack food we had and realized the goats were no longer behind a fence and they came rushing at us.  It wasn't bad at all.  Even when some of them jumped up on me it was surprisingly gentle.  Those goats were my most favorite thing about the whole weekend.

C & I did 4 grams of mushrooms each, the first night with S as the trip sitter.  We were hoping to see a bunch of stars that first night but there was a storm still in the process of clearing out so it was cold and fairly windy.  We did hang out for a while with blankets stacked all around us but eventually the wind got to be too much with that cold.  There weren't a ton of stars out but my shroom brain was more than happy to fill in all the gaps with lots of colors and dancing stars, along with a few small and silent fireworks.  Totally worth sitting outside a while.  S put a speaker near the window with some relaxing tunes that were perfect for guiding us on a positive trip.  Once we got sick of the cold we scuttled back in the Airstream we rented, with all our blankets in tow and made a towering nest on the couch with our blankets and described to each other what we saw inwardly and outwardly.  C strummed on a large ukulele describing the sounds like "caramel" and my mind saw visions of flowing chocolate accented with green, which morphed into other colors of the rainbow.

At one point S laid down to take a nap while C & I promised to be good and I noticed a call coming in on S's phone and answered it.  It was a friend who happened to be in the middle of her shroom trip.  We were coming down by then but she was peaking and vomiting.  She was so happy and enthralled though even with all the vomiting and we could not stop laughing at her descriptions.  I'm just glad she thought to call because she was alone and that is not good!  Rule #1... Always have a trip sitter that can keep you down a positive path and make sure everything is ok.  Rule #2... Don't drink alcohol and take shrooms.  In fact, do it on an empty stomach and don't mix anything with it without doing research first! We stayed with her on the phone until she came back down and everything went ok but I think she learned some important lessons.

The next night S was going to trip so he took 4 grams but nothing happened!  With him it's hit and miss so I'm not sure what happened there but it was a bummer.  I took a last hit of acid I had on me and then wished I hadn't but also nothing happened with me either.  I'm not sure why.  That's never happened to me before but I figured either it just got too old (if that's a thing) or because I tripped the night before, my brain was fresh out of dopamine and serotonin so there was nothing to react with.  I've never tripped 2 days in a row so I have no idea.  I was glad though because I really needed sleep.  S woke me up around 5:30 the next morning so I could see the clear starry sky and it was nice!  It wasn't too cold and windy either.  

I still have yet to trip during the day out in nature which is still on my list.  I will have to think of a time and place to accomplish this.  It might be too late to do it this year though.  Maybe on the cruise?  I don't know.  We shall see what happens.  I can plan things but sometimes it just doesn't feel like the right time when I'm in the moment and I rely on my intuition a lot.  I can say that icaros are nice and feel like a soothing maternal type energy.

Speaking of icaros, I think it will end up being just my cousin and I going to Peru.  I believe she still has a bit of hope that will change but she is in a very difficult position right now and no matter how things happen it's going to be very painful I think, so a bit of denial is totally understandable.  I am just trying to be supportive while also not letting her make too many excuses for the person who is being abusive to her.  Things will eventually sort themselves out but this could take years.  At this point I think it would be not only disastrous but paramount for her to get the most out of the experience if he does not go, but that's not my decision so it will be what it will be.

One of my friends who has been dealing with stage 4 cancer for the last 3 years is now finally succumbing to it.  Originally he was given maybe 6 months to live and he got 3 years so I'm going to call that a win.  He was able to retire and get his finances in order for his wife and children.  He's too young and too awesome to leave this earth but that's how things go I guess.  I was happy to hear he wasn't going to wait any longer to go on hospice.  People always wait until the last second to go on hospice and then end up with just a few days of relief.  Going on hospice is not giving up on life.  It has different rules when it comes to narcotics and other controlled substances.  It's comfort based without the bias of addiction and dependency.  S and I will continue to be supportive friends to he and his wife and help out where needed like getting the house in order for him to be able to stay there until he passes.  Right now there is way too much clutter in there.  Hopefully they get a good service that can help guide them the best way so he can stay there surrounded by his creature comforts and make that transition as easy as possible.

Also I need to try to deal with my resentments to some other people in his life who are supposed to be closer emotionally but have all but abandoned he and his wife this past year during this time of need.  All of a sudden, since he posted publicly that he's going on hospice, his poly wife decides to post publicly that the other love of her life is dying so she will be embracing these precious few moments left.  Duh fuck?  That just seemed so disingenuous to me.  Really?  Where have you been the past year?  Why do you feel the need to post that publicly rather than just DOING it? These are people who used to go on vacations together and then suddenly things get kinda gross and hard so they vanish until it's clear that if they don't show up, everyone will know just how shitty they actually are.  Yuck.  They totally lost whatever respect I had left in them.  DONE!  I really fucking hate poser fake friends that are shallow and selfish and vacuous.  It does seem to be the IN way though doesn't it?  It's just so common.  I mean I can have that kind of relationship with total strangers so why fucking bother?  He's seriously one of the best people I've ever known and why a person wouldn't want to nurture the hell out of that rare kind of friendship I will never know.

Trip Report

Growing mushrooms has been so much fun.  Once I got past the initial learning curve, which was extremely stressful, and past the first flush, all the rest was extra stock and learning what works and what doesn't.  I've also been experimenting with working with chocolate.  I made some solid chocolate ones, peanut butter covered in chocolate and Nutella covered with chocolate.  The peanut butter ones need work.  I used some coconut oil in that batch and though I'm sure they are delicious, I have to keep those in the fridge because they have such a low melting point.

I tried my first large dose last night, taking 4 grams and made sure it was the ugliest first chocolates where I was still trying to figure out how to keep each piece with 1 gram of mushrooms and also know how much chocolate each one needed but still being able to do more than 1 or 2 at a time.  It's incredibly time consuming and makes a huge mess.  The results are so nice though because I got colored foils and tiny mushroom stickers for each one.  Not sure why I went to that trouble other than it's fun and maybe it's getting a sense of the pride of completing a project.  I managed to get 4 flushes out of my first tub before contamination hit and I'd say that's a huge win.  Now I get to start over.  Not sure when that will happen.  We have loads to last us for a while.

So last night... I took 4 grams and it started hitting pretty quickly.  I got the buzzing in my head maybe 20 min after ingesting the chocolates.  I was expecting some nausea at some point but never got any.  I had already saved some things to do so I found a guided meditation on Youtube on astral travel, turned out the lights and sat back on the couch.  I did not astral travel in the way the guy described it.  I did not see my body or fly around my neighborhood.  Instead it was like being in another dimension like the DMT fractal world.  Lots of fractals and lights.  If my eyes/brain perceived light then the area I was in was light and full of different normal colors.  If it perceived dark then all the colors were neon with a black background.  It pulsed back and forth between the two.  That was the beginning of my journey so that's pretty much all I saw.  Once the meditation was done I started watching Moving Art which is my all time favorite thing to watch while tripping.  I watched the ocean and waves and felt so much love and nurturing energy from it.  I saw the sun and felt forgiveness and compassion.  I saw rock formations and thought about all the things those rocks have seen over the eons and how they don't care about things like the stock market or money or electronics.  The floor looked 3 feet deep.  The whole room looked like a computer simulation and in fact, I felt like, for the first time, that what I was seeing was far more real than what I normally see.  Like we normally view things with layers of something that dulls and dampens our senses.

I decided to take a shower and it was like I occupied my mind but observed the care that was being given to my meat suit.  I looked down at my meat suit as my arms and hands washed it and was thinking about how harsh I am about it.  I just felt so much gratitude that my meat suit has endured so much and still carries me through this life.  I saw my meat suit as strong and beautiful.  So this is the gross part.  Back when I was doing radiation, they put round clear stickers on me with X's drawn on them so they could guide the laser to the exact spot and one of the stickers had fallen off in the shower and was stuck in the corner.  I've always left that sticker there and I always saw it when I took a shower.  This time when I was in the shower, I realized that the sticker was a little symbol of the resentment and bitterness I felt about my cancer and the barbaric treatments I endured.  I just felt like letting that go at that moment.  I picked up that sticker and threw it away finally, then dried off my awesome meat suit with a smile.  It was nice.  I felt like a significant part of me healed inside.

I remember thinking to myself, how can this be illegal?  It's amazing and good!  I felt like the world could be healed on this stuff.  But I realize that not everyone has the same kind of experience, although I do think that whether comfortable or uncomfortable, it brings out what is already in us and one could argue that if it turns out to be something uncomfortable, then that is something that was already there and deserves some time and attention... that it needs to be worked through.  I suppose that's easy for me to say right now since I haven't had anything horrifying happen but at this point it's how I feel.

Still in the right setting, this could be so beneficial to people, with the right kind of direction.  It shouldn't be shunned or treated like it's horrible.  It was a beautiful healing experience for me.

Next time I plan to be in a place where I can see some stars and spend time looking at the stars and seeing what kinds of insights I can get from that.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Wow... 2 months have gone by.  Woops, where did the time go?

I feel like not a lot has happened but yet there have been some interesting things.  I've been growing mushrooms and learning all about that.  It was super stressful at first because there are many pathways to success and failure with it.  It's a delicate line.  If there was one path it would be easier but there are choices and each choice has little margin for error.  I think I am finally coming out the other side of it though.  I've built up my knowledge and actual hands on experience enough that I can start building on what I already know and even experiment and trouble shoot.  I have a monotub going and it's on its 3rd flush.  I made chocolates and capsules out of what I've gotten so far and been experimenting with microdosing.  So far it's been positive.  Making chocolates has been difficult and is very time consuming to get a consistent dosage with each one.  I'm still experimenting with more efficient ways to do it.  Right now I'm doing 2-3 chocolates at a time using a method like in those ice cream places where they smear it out, put the toppings on and mix it with a knife only I do it on a cutting board.  After it's mixed I push the ball into a mold.  It's not actually pourable at that point so that's how I've been doing it.  I even bought foils and cute stickers for them.  Too bad I can't sell them because they look so professional and cute!

Everything else is going well.  Within the next month it looks like we'll be looking at airfare for the Peru trip and I'll be going to a dentist and peridontist to get some way too expensive work done on my teeth.  I feel a bit selfish for it since it's mostly cosmetic but dammit... I have no boobs so I'd like to have a nice smile at least.  I'm experimenting with my hair and short hair styles.  I have ice blue hair at the moment and it's a cute butch hair cut.  Great hair cut but not so sure it's quite me.  I think next time I'll go even shorter but do a more piecey comb forward kind of cut.  I'm thinking like a fairy pixie cut... like I'm ready for my dragonfly wings kind of pixie cut.  I want short but more feminine.  Oh this is just boring talk.  Wish I could talk more about the other stuff but ya know...

Tonight (in a few hours) I'll be starting a meditation that is supposed to be every night for a month.  I'll try to keep up on talking about any developments about that.  Last time I was really into meditation was many years ago and I had a lot of weird shit happen.  It's partly why I stopped doing it but I do miss having an open line to my guides and maybe since my life is more stable now and I'm older the scary stuff won't be a thing.  Last time I had an issue with feeling a sort of motion sickness during meditation and often things would happen in the room that were like ghosty things.  It creeped me out pretty bad.  I'm getting my friend Cliff into it.  I guess he's not going to Peru with the rest of us now but he still wants to go and I think this might help him get into a place to be better able to take the journey and hopefully, in time and with practice, get out of his analytical space a bit.  He's definitely very willing to try. 

Also I am starting to get into watercolors.  I think I'm going to do some painting this weekend and excited to do it. 

Will write more soon... not 2 months later since I'm doing the meditation thing.

"You Seem Like a Caring Person"

There's a group of us planning to go to Peru together to the ayahuasca retreat.  Two people I know pretty well.  One person I know but don't really know him as an adult and the remaining two people I've never met.  One of them I've decided to reach out to since he and I are the only two not going with a close... other person.  Also, my cousin has told me a lot about him and he seems like a good fit for someone to become friends with.  It's really hard for me to allow people into my heart space which probably doesn't seem true because I can fairly easily share personal details about myself but that doesn't actually mean they are in my heart space.  That takes a lot of time and me seeing that under bad circumstances they aren't going to vanish.  I readily admit that I do not have a healthy view of connecting with other humans.  So far though, we are having fun emailing back and forth and getting to know each other.  It's been a really long time since I've even done that.  Maybe 5 years since the last person and in case you are wondering, that person did ditch me while I was dealing with cancer, so that doesn't really prove anything positive.  If anything it reinforces my walls.

I feel like it's possible this could be a way for me to possibly learn how to be more open to people, not just in information but also friendship.  This is a guy who is sensitive and shy and I suspect, probably bullied.  He can deal with my cousin's personality so I don't really worry about him not being able to deal with mine because she and I both can get real bossy and steam roll people.  In all the emails and things we've said, one thing stuck out... So much so that I've been obsessed with analyzing it and thinking about it non stop for days.  He said, "You seem like a very caring person".

I do seem like that, don't I?  But am I?  He knows a lot but also doesn't know a lot.  So then I just kept wondering if I'm really a caring person.  I avoid people.  I don't like crowds.  I don't like getting sucked up into someone else's drama but I also don't want to cause any drama.  I think I used to be overly caring.  I used to be overly involved in other people's drama.  I used to ask more questions and talk more and give more hugs.  Now it seems to be a conscious decision to do any of that.  It's no longer something I want to do or a natural way of being.  Talking to strangers comes natural.  When I was a young person I loved asking people the deep stuff.  I loved knowing all about them but I also kind of power tripped on that.  It bothers me a lot who I used to be.  Not because I was friendly or outgoing or could talk to strangers easily.  It was that sometimes I was manipulative of people once I knew their secrets.  Once I realized I wanted to be better than that, I stopped asking people questions.  I felt like people would tell me their personal things if they wanted to but I no longer wanted to try to pry things out of them.  Problem is, some people take that as not caring... to respect their privacy.  Both ways have an up and down side to them.  I think the other part of me not prying has to do with being empathic.  Also in my younger days I was constantly getting... information?  I don't know... emotional energy from people, along with snapshots or internal messages about *why* they were feeling the way they were feeling.  Even perfect strangers.  Like I could go up to someone and say, "Are you okay?  You look like you just broke up with someone you really loved" and they would look terrified and say, "How the fuck did you know that?"  I mean it got to the point where people were scared or angry towards me and I was constantly getting overwhelmed in public places anyway so I figured out how to block people out.  Honestly it was a little like watching other people drown in 2 feet of water and instead of jumping in to lift them up, I'd just watch them flounder around and either drown or stand the fuck up. It was frustrating as hell and took me a long time to STOP caring.  I had to for my own sanity.

I remember feeling like the screams of a million people were in my head.  People in pain, in anguish.  I have had problems of depression and anxiety my entire life and this just compounded it.  Me feeling all that did nothing to help others.  If I thought feeling their pain could diminish it somehow for them I would have taken it but pain doesn't work that way.  It's happy to reproduce endlessly.  I learned that trying to help a person in pain when they didn't want it was essentially robbing them of an important life lesson.  It wasn't a conscious thing but that's what I finally came up with as to why people would get pissed off.  To cushion another person's fall is pretty much damning them to go through it all over again because pain is the best teacher.  After that I made a decision that I would not help unless specifically asked or given permission and if I helped and my assistance was ignored, then I don't help again.

It's weird to think back on what I used to be able to do.  I could literally get a stream of consciousness about a person if I put effort into it.  It was like channeling.  I would just start getting a stream of information and just go on and on.  I had the ability to get into their heads.  See inside of them.  It was most frustrating when I could see a bad seed and no one else could see it but me.  I'd try to warn people that the person was not a good person.  That they were going to cause major pain but then I'd be called paranoid, jealous, a horrible person.  Eventually they would see it after the damage was done and by then I was abandoned already by these people who thought I was being mean before.  They would rarely come back to me and say, "OMG you were right.  We are sorry we doubted you."  Nope.  I just got to say, "Look at that.  I was right and yet I'm still alone."  Yay.

I don't know.  When that happens enough times then I just wondered what was the point to put all the time and energy into people just to have them bail anyway?  It was so painful to have people I truly cared about and loved tell me that I was hard to love, that I was an anchor or a burden.  It hurt so much that it was easier to just let my bleeding heart just go behind a wall.  I've had the best liars in my life that would lie straight to my face with real tears streaming down their cheeks... and it was all a lie.  So words mean jack shit to me.  I've heard it, seen it, felt it.  I mean I've had amazing intuition and at the same time, when I've totally trusted a person, gave them the power to crush me like I was made of paper and throw me away like I'm nothing. Certain aspects of humanity are so bizarre and foreign to me that I've often joked I must have come from an alien planet and somehow wandered into a teleporter and got beamed to Earth.

I mean I've been a bully before but to purposely do harm to another person is to harm myself.  It hurts me to hurt another person so it's totally bizarre to see humans purposely hurt each other and then get actual pleasure from that pain.  No matter how much I have disliked another person, I've never... well have I never sought to harm them on purpose?  I probably have in passive aggressive ways.  Yeah, sure I have.  I don't think I got actual pleasure from it though.  I do think I've hurt in a way that I wanted to hurt back in a moment of anger or frustration but it's like speaking the truth but being blunt about it.  That's how I probably hurt others.  My intention is not to harm though.  It's to get through to them.  If I am to the point where I think a relationship is hopeless, I just walk away and sever the connection.  There's nothing to say at that point so why waste the energy?

Now when it comes to animals, that's a different story.  Same about nature on the planet.  I am willing to destroy or die to protect it if I think it will help.  My issues regarding caring seem to only be directed at humans.  I just think of humans as a cancer that just consume and destroy and there aren't enough humans that care to balance out the ones that don't.  I'll run out in traffic to keep an animal from getting run over and have many times.  I think almost everything I do for fun and pleasure these days has to do with making animals happy and want to be in my yard.  It's one of the few joys I have left is just watching them eat and drink and play on all the things I've provided for them.

It's been a long time since I've encountered a question about myself that I didn't already know.  I've spent so much of my life analyzing my feelings, thoughts and actions that I feel like I really know myself but this one caught me off guard.  I haven't noticed how much about me has changed over the years.  I no longer smile at strangers.  I no longer talk to strangers all the time.  I no longer want to go to social events regularly, if at all.  I no longer give people the benefit of the doubt.  Not really.  It seems like that on the face of it but I'm cynical on the inside.  I have a much harder time forming emotional connections with people because I see them as a danger from the get go.  Not that I'm afraid of them but I'm just so exhausted by life and by pain.  I just feel like it's a lot of work and energy to put into a species that is flippant and cruel and disconnected.  I don't know how to deal with that.  The other people in my life who I really feel are caring and get where I'm coming from are just as withdrawn as I am for the same reasons so we rarely talk.  Kind of ironic and funny really.

So I guess the answer is, I am very caring about a few humans and everything else living, and so far I'm enjoying this new potential friendship.  I'm not in the habit of projecting where a connection will go though so I'll just stay in the present and see where it goes, which might be a cool friendship or might die like the rest.  Time will tell.

Also not that anyone actually reads this, don't confuse my words with romantic love.  That's one thing that really fucking annoys me about people.  They think love must be romantic and like is for friends.  There are people in my life that I truly love and would take a bullet for but have never felt anything romantic for them.  I have an ex girlfriend who STILL believes that my heartbreak over losing a friend who I let into my heart was a secret romantic thing.  Maybe I'm just a freak but when I let someone in and they ditch me, it hurts like hell.  It's the same level of pain as with a romantic relationship and maybe worse.  It's just how I'm wired which is why it's fucking terrified to let someone in like that... because other people don't seem to feel things like I do and can just toss people away like garbage. Like is for acquaintances.  Love is for anyone close to my heart.  Love and sex is for romantic relationships.

Planting seeds

Nothing new has been done on the ayahuasca front.  There may be complications forming but time will tell with that.  I am still willing to go it alone, if need be.  I will see what the Universe has in store and go with the flow.

It's been a while since I updated.  As you know, I have been floundering and having a bit of an existential crisis.  I've cut all my hair off so it's now very short and also bleached it as light as I can get it.  I no longer feel invisible in that regard.  I actually love how low maintenance it is and how edgy it looks.  At first I found myself dressing more feminine and wearing make up and false boobs more to compensate but I've now let that go.  Back to giving no fucks, which is good.  I mean, internally I'm curious as to how people interpret me with a flat chest and short hair next to Shaun, who is transgender but it's more a curiosity than a worry.  I also started going to PFLAG meetings and I have really liked that atmosphere and the people in it.  I would say that majority of people I have seen in attendance has been trans folks and it's been every age group and every variation of gender non conformity.  Pretty cool!  One is a very young person that has some serious mental issues to overcome.  Her dad did not allow her to transition when she was younger and though it hasn't been said in plain English, it's pretty apparent she was very abused and fucked up mentally by it.  Her mom is dealing with it all like a champ though.  I suppose if I were in the situation I would deal with it.  I mean it's easy to say "There's no way..." but I know better.  When it's your kid and you love them, you figure out a way to deal.  I've been worried about having no group to fit into but I do think I fit in to that group well.  Really nice people in there.  I even got Shaun to go to one with me, to my surprise, and he also really enjoyed it.

I have started really getting into gardening in the last month or two as well.  I have barely begun but one area of my backyard has been turned into a paradise for hummingbirds.  Every plant in it makes a flower that caters to hummingbirds and it is SO fun and rewarding to watch them come in.  One of the plants I got that was my only impulse buy is their favorite one.  They virtually ignore all the others for that one but some will carefully inspect each plant.  I got a pretty rock fountain for my birthday because I read that they are attracted to the sound of running water.  I have yet to see one take a bird bath in it but other birds do and that is so great to see.  It's just a great feeling to create something for wildlife and then they actually use it.  I feel like I'm actually contributing to making the earth a tiny bit better rather than just being a cancer to it.  At some point I'll rent a tiller from the hardware store and map out the other areas I want to plant in.  I've already ordered tons of bulbs to plant in the fall.  It's very expensive to transform the back yard so I'm kind of dong it a little at a time.  I wish I had about $15K to just pay some people to do it in a few days. I just no longer have the strength and stamina that I used to.  I will get it done though.  Shaun's been really awesome about letting me be spendy on the garden.  The rest of the yard will be more catered to butterflies and bees.  I got a bee house to hang on our big tree but I don't think it will be very useful until next year.  It's SO wonderful to be surrounded by blooming and growing things, and animals that thrive in it.  I want to create a little oasis.

My mom is really wanting to have a family vacation in Hawaii to celebrate her 70th birthday.  I do want to do it but don't want family drama.  There are already problems cropping up.  Whyyyyyyy... Why can't my famliy just be normal and get along?  I may just tell her to just let me know the dates and don't want to hear anything else going on about it.  I'll just do the things with her she wants to do.  Family is super important to her and though she is annoyingly weak minded and needs to smoke a doob to calm her ass down, it's her birthday vacation so if other family members want to go off and do their own thing to avoid her, then just don't come.  Seriously.  I haven't even gone and already ready to be back home.  LOL... Anyway, just gonna put that in a box for later because that's way far off.

We are now in full swing for the presidential debates for next year's election.  If the Youtube time traveler has a right, Dump will get re-elected.  The upside to that is if the time traveler is real, we'll also get to meet aliens in 2029 and time travel will be possible.  Yeah baby!  Focusing on the silver lining. I give myself permission to check out of all of that bullshit whenever it gets overwhelming.

Shaun's transition is moving right along.  He was sick a few weeks ago and his voice legit sounded like Barry White.  Holy shit.  It was so deep I actually had a hard time understanding him because it sounded like mumbling.  Crazy.

On a last note, I think the next time I go in for a med check with my doc, I'm going to ask her to lower the dose of my anti-depressant because I feel myself going numb inside.  I don't like feeling nothing.  I'd rather feel bad than nothing.

Ayahuasca Dreams

I'm still diving head first into this thing that now feels like an intense calling to heal... to have my synapses rewired.  I've been reading about Ayahuasca, San Pedro (Huachuma) and Sapo.  More and more I'm seeing the intense healing potential these can have and have a way of sort of rebooting your soul, mind and body.  Shaun is pretty luke warm about the whole thing and mostly I think it has to do with his fears of having to relive traumatic memories but I suspect there's also a major fear of allergy issues and just basic safety with traveling to another country and being out in the middle of nowhere.  Now with my personality, that would make it a little more motivating for me to go because I don't like my fears ruling my life and in fact, a big part of me wanting to go is to get rid of fears that I feel control my life too much already.  Even if Shaun decides he won't go, I still want to go myself.  I need to do this for myself.  My cousin and I are trying to work it out so we can go as a group and experience this together and I would love that too.  I don't know if we'll actually agree on where and when, however, because what we both want seems to be very drastically different.  I'm not personally so concerned with outer appearances of things except what I can see while I'm taking the medicine... so meaning, if I want to be in nature and see the stars and be okay to lay on some grass and look up in the sky, I can do that.  She would like to be deep inside a jungle, which sounds really cool, but you can't really go outside and lay down and not be totally with it because the jungle comes with a whole lot of critters, especially at night.  Just personally, I'd rather not become lunch to something while I'm tripping balls.  From all that I have seen, most people are really exhausted in between the ceremonies so there isn't a lot of running around.  Mostly it's quiet time spent reflecting, reading, resting.  She doesn't want to go anywhere that has anything resembling "hippies" so it can't have yoga.  That just seems very limiting to me.  Why would you have that silly rule?  No one is forcing anyone to take a yoga class.  Why would you care if someone else there wants to do yoga and does it?  I don't really understand why it would matter.  Let people do what they wish and do what you wish.  Simple.  There's a retreat I'm looking at that is 7 days and it has 6 ceremonies.  Most 7 day retreats have 3.  This one also uses 3 different medicines.  Most offer 1 or 2.  I want to get the most out of it.  My intent is mostly focused on the quality of the workers and the ceremonies.  I could go anywhere in any nature setting and do it and be just as happy.  My purpose isn't the physical destination.  My purpose is the internal journey.  I am quite nervous to talk to my doctor about it because I will need to go off all western medication several weeks before the retreat.  I don't know how supportive she will be about that but there's actually a real chance of healing myself to the point I would not need to be dependent on medications anymore. I would so love to be able to heal my body of all the ailments that have been caused by traumas in my life.  I would love to integrate all those experiences and neutralize the power they have had over me.

So far I feel like it's still not a plan.  It's a goal.  It's a dream.  It may actually turn into a plan.  That's what I want.  It may be with a group I know or it may be just me by myself.  There are actually so many choices out there that it's somewhat paralyzing.  Maybe I'll talk to my guides and send out the message that I need to be pointed to the place or person that would help me reach my highest potential.  It may not be the same place my cousin needs.  I don't know what her intentions for herself are. She seems to be mostly focused on what's best for everyone except herself but she seems to want whatever is the most undiscovered, rough, raw kind of experience she can get because she needs that extra bit of danger added.  I don't feel like that would be better for me or even good for me. Doing ayahuasca and toxic frog venom is quite dangerous enough for me.  It's like, I don't need to go to an actual high security prison so I can feel more.  Some things I'll leave to others to experience first hand if they are called to do so.  My sense of adventure does not need to come from purposely thumbing my nose up to the fates and begging for an ass beating but hey, my hat's off to those that do it and get away with it.  I'll wave my pom poms for you.

Veggie Tales

We are officially 6 weeks in to Shaun's transition with testosterone.  Other people are amazed at the changes they are seeing, which is weird because I don't really see it much at all.  I guess because I'm so close to it and see him every day that the tiny day to day changes just change to the new "normal".  He went in to see the doc and said she was really amazed at the differences already.  Most days I do okay.  I have my moments.  Yesterday morning he told me he found other transmasculine folks who were on testosterone but still identified as non-binary.  I kind of went off on a tangent.  I mean nothing against what he was saying but let's be honest.  In the PC climate, I can wear a dress, high heels and full make up and if I tell you I'm a transman named Jim, you have to respect that and just call me whatever I label myself as, so this is not something based, in any way, on logic or anything really definitive.  It's just whatever you want to be called and I roll with it out of respect.  I don't understand any of it and would laugh in the face of anyone else who claimed to.  "Transgender" is like saying "Autistic".  I mean it can mean a lot of different looking things that are all lumped into a very general category.  Also from what research I've been doing, a transgender person changes their mind over time about what needs to be done for them to feel comfortable in their own skin.  They may identify one way and a year or 5 later it's something totally different.  I mean that's valid, but also makes any kind of predictable category impossible.  It's just go with the flow... and I think that's probably a good general lesson in life and finding happiness in it.  Let go of rigidity and go with the flow.

I've recently cut all my hair off, shorter than I've ever had it and bleaching it pure white.  I love it so fucking much and don't even care if Shaun likes it or not.  I fully realize it's part of my existential crisis but it helps me feel less invisible.  I'll likely keep my hair short.  Besides making me more visible to my peeps, it's just more practical in so many ways.

I'm doing an extra shift tonight at work which is something I rarely do.  As long as I make enough money to live comfortably, I don't desire to work more to get more money.  I enjoy being at home and/or spending time with Shaun.  My bosses are always bugging me to work extra and I find different ways to tell them no... but... seeing as how I just spent the weekend at the beach house they bought for employees to use and I'm coming up on a nurse appreciation party complete with drinks, food and swag, I thought I'd toss them a bone.

I'm working with the type of kid I have never liked working with and that's what I refer to as a "veggie kid".  The kind of kids that have severe permanent brain damage and remain in a vegetative state laying in a bed, unable to communicate, eat or breathe on their own.  It hits too close to home for me since my own son was a veggie kid and at first I had the "I love you no matter what" soapbox that might make me seem like a selfless person but over time, watching him suffer in his malfunctioning meat sack, I concluded that it was, in fact, very selfish of me to keep him alive indefinitely, which I could have.  But then I thought about what happens when I die, which might not even be when I'm old.  Who would take care of him?  After that his dad and I refused to take him to the hospital anymore and just waited for him to get sick so we could let him go.  His death was horrific.  He essentially slowly suffocated and it took hours of him panicking.  I still get angry about it, knowing that I could have let him easily drift off to sleep and have a comfortable death with a good dose of morphine but no.  That would have made me a cold hearted murderer.  Much better to just watch a little baby gasp and flail for hours and hours trying to breathe.  I called up my hospice team and made them sit with me and watch him suffer until he died.  If I had to watch that so could they.  His nurse told me that it was the first time he ever witnessed that and it changed forever how he treated his pediatric hospice patients.  Good.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there.  So I've always tried to avoid the veggie kids as I would feel... triggered, I guess is the best word to use.  Now you know why.  For some reason though, which I'm not sure is good, bad or indifferent, I don't feel triggered by it this time.  Now sure if it's a permanent change or just right now but I don't feel weird about it.  I'm just taking care of the kid, doing my job, talking to him and trying to give him a sense of peace and kindness as much as I can.  There's no baggage attached, which is nice.  It's just odd because I think it's the first time I haven't felt any baggage with a kid like this.

I'm still research ayahuasca and the possibilities of going to Peru to take a healing journey with my cuz.  I did read on one website a huge laundry list of meds you have to stop taking and foods you have to stop eating weeks before going.  That did alarm me.  I'm not sure if I'd have to stop my antidepressants but the thought of that scares the shit out of me.  I'm not sure how long I'd be able to function without them.  Last time was really not good.  I don't think Shaun would be too keen on that either.  Also you can't take any allergy meds supposedly and while I'd survive, I'm not sure Shaun would.  It's just something I need to learn more about and make sure I don't go into something blindly and end up a veggie myself.

Walking the edge of the abyss

Last weekend we celebrated our 8th anniversary of marriage at a beach house in Port Aransas my work pays for.  The first night we got there just after dark so the first thing we wanted to do was watch the sun rise in the morning.  While we were up on the rooftop deck, I had a meltdown.  Most of the time I'm ok but since Shaun started transitioning, I've had my own moments of bubbling over.  I may be dealing with actual depression above and beyond what my meds do for me.  I'm not sure yet but I can say that during these times I feel the deepest sadness, feelings of not belonging in this world, of not fitting in anywhere and of not having a purpose at all.  I guess overall, I've mainly been feeling invisible for a long time and it used to be comfortable but now it's just distressing.

My sisters are a big part of it.  I miss them.  I love them and we get along but I really don't think they give a shit if I exist or not.  Their mom died a few years ago and that has created an unbreakable bond between them, which is great as long as you share DNA with them.  I've always considered them my actual sisters and never felt any different until the past few years.  They only seem to acknowledge their blood related siblings now.  It hurts so fucking bad.  It cuts deep.  I don't have many close relationships with anyone in my family except my cousin so if it weren't for her I'd feel like I had no family at all.  I've even told my sisters that I miss them and need them in my life.  Still... I'm out of sight out of mind.  I mean of all the deeply flawed and dark things about my mother, at least she acknowledges me.  I guess I just kind of feel like a piece of trash blowing around in the wind.  I'm not necessary and apparently I take a LOT of effort to include in most anyone's life.  I get very lonely.

The other thing that distresses me is with all the research I'm doing on how testosterone effects transfolks, Shaun and I could do great in our relationship or he could end up coming out as a gay man.  Yes, apparently that's a thing with T shots.  It changes your brain, how you think, how you feel, how you interact and sometimes, your sexual orientation.  At this point things couldn't be stopped.  The boulder is rolling down the mountain.  All that can be done is try to get out of the way and hope the damage isn't too severe.

This shit has had me in tears and it's weird because I rarely cry over my own stuff.  I usually reserve my tears for other people's pain... or joy.  Nothing gets my bawling more than a happy reunion. I'm just so goddamned tired of pain and loss. It makes it so hard for me to just be happy when things are good and not just be trying to steel myself for when it all collapses.

On the way home I watched a wreck happen right in front of us on the freeway.  I mean, I didn't see exactly what caused it but I saw car chunks go flying up in the air and a truck when spinning out into the middle.  I saw the car looking totally mangled and the driver was laying on the street with a man holding his neck.  It was maybe 5 cars ahead of me when it happened.  Pretty freaky!

When we got home, Shaun asked me if I had been pulling up grass in the back yard.  No I hadn't.  There was a patchy area that was a lot taller than the rest of the grass, under a tree.  I think it was sprouted bird seed.  Anyway, all of those tall clumps had been pulled up by the roots and piled up on top of our cat's grave.  We have no idea what or who did it and why.  It was just a tad creepy.  Also, her grave was not marked.  Only we know where she's buried.

In other news, I'm trying to work out a way and time to go to Peru with my cousin, Shaun and her husband, to take part in an ayahuasca ceremony.  It's essentially therapy in a bottle.  It's some deep scary shit that transforms and seemingly even repairs people's broken-ness.  I feel very motivated to make this happen.  I need this.  I feel so close to falling into an abyss right now.  I've been in this place before and it did not go well.  I need a lifeline.

An unexpected transition

Back in January near the end of my radiation treatments, Shaun and I had gotten in a huge fight.  For the next day or two, I was thinking about all the crazy shit he's stuck by me on and supported me through, including when I would act like a maniac while I'm doing cancer treatments.  Then it occurred to me that even though Shaun wasn't saying anything about it, just in case, I wanted to give my blessing to him doing hormone shots to transition if that was something that he felt he needed to do.  I guess at the time I said it he was shocked to hear me say that because I've never been supportive of that.  I mean, I'm gay.  I'm not attracted to men so I would not want my spouse to be a male, obviously.  But, I felt like it would be totally selfish of me to bar Shaun from it for my own desire and that I really wanted to see Shaun be his happiest self, regardless of what that looked like... and yes, even if it meant I might lose him to it.

A few months later it came up in a conversation and I confirmed that I meant what I said.  I would never say something that crazy unless I really meant it.  He decided it was something he really wanted to do and got so excited that he ended up staying up late and going to my doc appointment with me so he could ask her about doing it.  He's now fully emotionally invested in it.  I give him a shot in his thigh twice a month.  I don't know how it will affect our relationship and marriage over time.  I hope everything works out in a way that neither of us have to start over alone.  He's been very cool, so far, about me expressing my fears and grief about it.  It took me a long time to have the courage to come out of the closet and while I don't care what other people think, I still feel defensive about other people wanting to force a new label on me.  Yes, I'm still lesbian.  Yes, Shaun is transgender.  I don't give a fuck if that doesn't fit neatly in a box.  I label me.  I know myself well.  I am not suddenly open to men.  I will try to make it work the best I can and that's all I can do.  The rest is not going to be up to me.

The worst thing about it is while loads of people are rallying around Shaun and having a big party, no one seems to give one molecule of thought to how I might be doing or they really just don't care.  It's entirely possible.  In fact, I'm pretty sure most of them assume that Shaun just put his foot down and demanded I deal with it or leave and have made comments like "Now you get to be the person you've always been on the inside!"  Weeeeee!  I cannot even begin to tell you how infuriating that shit is.  Fucking binary mindset people.  We have told people over and over that Shaun has never identified as a man.  Never.  He's masculine of center.  He still refuses to say he wants to be a man.  This is not something I have pressured him into saying and in fact, I've been yelled at for saying he should pick a damned side because it's too hard for me to explain to people. But whatever.  I don't say anything.  I take his progress pic, give his shot and just try to keep an open line of communication. I will, however, and have corrected people who think it's suitable to label me as bisexual or straight.  Um no.  I am not a puppet of Shaun's or anyone else's who changes who I am anytime they make a change.  Do you fucking know me at all?!  I'm still gay.  I still love women and especially butches.  If I were to find myself single I would not seek out men, trans or cis.  I fell in love wish Shaun as a butch and my spirit loves his spirit.  That does not make me pansexual because that's not criteria I hold for the whole human race.  I am not that magical.  I just wish I had some type of support for it but there really isn't a lot out there for lesbians married to female to male transgender people who transition later into the relationship.

I don't know.  I'm pretty adaptable but man junk is also pretty fucking gross.  Shaun doesn't have man junk THANKFULLY so then all I would need to get used to really is hair and smell.  I love my relationship with him and want more of it and that's why I'm doing all this.  If we just met it would be a deal breaker but that's not the situation I'm in. I just might be a Shaunsexual or I'm a lesbian*.  Either way I'm pretty sensitive and defensive about it so it's not going to go over well with me when someone thinks they are being funny and trying to re-label me.  I. Will.  Cut.  You.

I found an awesome soul who also finds me awesome.  We get each other.  We have supported each other through a lot of major shit.  That isn't going to stop now.

A new car and boobs!

Lots of fun stuff going on lately.  As you know I'm back at work and doing well.  I'm nearly done with physical therapy which is such a relief because the drive to get there is always super stressful.  I always feel like I need a massage after the drive because I'm so clenched up by the time I get there.  I guess that was partly why I started looking at smaller cars to drive.  The second half of the drive has a highway that shrinks into a 4 lane road with lanes that are terrifyingly skinny.  A lot of Austin is like that.  I mean, I had a mid sized sedan and felt like I was inches from grazing the cars on either side so WTF does a big car or truck do?  UGH!  Anyway, I was doing a bunch of research, thinking about what kind of car I'd drive if I could take all the parts I loved from past cars and made a car baby out of it.  For a while I was really focused on a BMW i3 which is electric and tiny and SO CUTE!  The only downside to those was the price.  A new one was $50k and there were a few probs with the older ones.  It's a lot to pay for a tiny car and for it to have problems.  Long story short, I ended up buying a Hyundai Kona.  It's a bit cheaper than an Accord but I got the highest trim possible so it's full of amazing tech.  I'm kind of a tech whore. Shaun helped me figure out why I was so focused on replacing a car that was actually very nice.  Accords are great... Very sensible cars, very comfortable inside and had lots of options for comfort.  So what was the problem besides that for some reason I couldn't get the satellite radio to work anymore?  The problem was that the reason I bought it in the first place, was because I was exhausted and fucked up from chemo, had frozen shoulders and was in too much pain to drive a stick so I had to get an automatic.  At the time I wanted to roll up in a ball and disappear.  So I got a very ordinary looking car that didn't stand out but was very comfortable on the inside.  I'm in a different mindset today.  Now I've gotten cancer twice.  I'm no longer in pain like I was and though I still don't have loads of energy, I feel more at peace with myself and was ready for a car that made me feel happy.  This is the first blue car I've ever had.  It makes me think of the color of the Caribbean water.  It's full of awesome tech.  It is small but has power.  I feel like it fits my personality a lot better.  Shaun is the one who pushed me to get it because I was being super wishy washy.  I mean... the Accord was a great car so it felt weird to replace it already.  It's only 4 years old.  It had its purpose and I am grateful I had it.  So this car I decided on wasn't available in Texas.  I knew exactly what I wanted and contacted 2 dealerships but they only had the gray ones.  I got a dealership to go to Wichita, KS to get me the one I have.  I was in contact with them maybe 3 weeks trying to find a way to get the trim and color I wanted.  Okay anyway, moving on.  I'm probably the only one this excited about it.  Ha!

In other news, I finally got my prosthetic boobs, 2 bras, 2 tank tops and 2 swim suits.  They were expensive AF but I will say very well made and they have the pockets I need for the boobs.  I will make sure those last me a long time.  I also got a sleeve and glove.  With my insurance and a 20% discount on top of that, it was $500 if you can even believe it.  JHC!  The day I went to the car dealership to talk to someone was the day I got the boobs and it was SO NICE to walk around in a tank top and not have a little bit of self consciousness.  I just felt like a normal person going in to look at a car.  I should probably stop looking at high ticket items "just for fun".  Oh who am I kidding?  Fun is good and I can afford it right now so fuck yeah I should do it. 

Speaking of fun, I dropped some <redacted> a little while ago which is something I hadn't done since my early 20's.  It was way more chill this time than last time but that may also be partly because of the amount.  The last time I did it was 6 hits which is sort of insane.  This time it was 2 but hours spaced apart so not bad. I spent 12 hours face timing with my awesome Cuz and her hubby.  It was nice actually.  First off, I never get to see my family so it was nice to get a long visit with her and secondly, I loved talking to her about our ideas about what life is about because we are both... I guess some would say really "out there" with our theories but we are pretty much on the same page about it.  I guess my favorite part was watching "Living Art" on Netflix which is basically just nature shots.  I slept a bunch in the next few days after that but other than that, it was really nice and didn't seem endless like the last time.  My kitty was a little weirded out by me.  It could have been partly my own visuals but her eyes looked a lot like the cat in Shrek when he makes his eyes get all big and sad.  She is so expressive.  I guess it's because I had a fair bit of nervous energy.  It does that to me.

I guess that's pretty much it for now.  Until next time, live each day like it might be the last because it might be.  This is a crazy time to be alive between climate change and political unrest.  Live it up!

Back to normal

Shaun told me the other day I hadn't posted since River died.  I didn't realize that.  I barely picked up my laptop during my time off but I'm back at work now and using my laptop.  The latter half of my radiation was pretty intense and while I love to blog my raw emotions in the moment to capture the feeling, I draw the line where it comes to relationship stuff with Shaun because I know how that negative feeling can stick with others even if things get solved.  Let's just say that I don't handle things well when I am overwhelmed with stress and pain.  I lost my shit a few times over things that were legit problems but I took them above and beyond what was necessary.  It took a bit of time to get over that hump.  I did manage to finish radiation but I nearly cancelled the last one.  The second to last treatment was awful because I was so raw that when a nurse tried to draw on my skin with a marker, I screamed because it felt like she just sliced my skin open.  It felt like that for probably the next 24 hours.  Awful. 

I am now in physical therapy and according to her, it will likely be a lifelong need.  I was fitted for a bra with boob prosthetics and a sleeve and glove for lymphedema.  I am supposed to get a call in the next week or 2 to go pick them up.  I'm so excited to have a normal looking body again even if I'll have to wear a sleeve and glove everywhere.  I've decided that for me, losing my hair was WAY easier than losing my boobs.  It's been hard to ever feel attractive since then. I feel like I stand out in a way I don't want to.  I'm married to a trans person who got a double mastectomy and I've had a double mastectomy and I... okay I'll admit the confusion that could result from that can be amusing.  Still, if I stand out I want it to be on my terms.

Another thing that I think affected me in a huge way was that Shaun and I focused so much on processing my possible death that we totally forgot about the life part.  Everything was put on hold while I had treatment and I get that it makes pragmatic sense, but it also ripped every bit of hope and joy from me.  It felt punative.  I need things to look forward to besides being done with treatment.  All these things have been discussed and we are a better couple for it.  It's just hard being in the middle of it.

Since then we have booked another cruise.  The last cruise was kind of the "Last Cruise" mentality where I learned halfway through that my biopsy showed I really had cancer again.  We spent a ton on pictures but nothing on excursions.  We are redoing the same cruise but this time taking some friends with us and we booked an amazing room.  It's a suite and it's a SWEET suite!  We plan to take a few excursions.  I need to swim with some sting rays and frolic in water falls.  It's still almost a year away but it's something to look forward to and I haven't really had that in a while. 

It might seem silly but I want to travel as much as I can right now not because I think I'll die or be debilitated by cancer, but by the state of the world.  Between the effects of climate change and the polarization of countries and all humans, I feel like something will happen there very soon that will make it impossible to travel for leisure reasons.  I just want to get as much in as I can.  Treat each day as if it will be the last.

I'm SO happy to be back to work.  I feel like I have purpose again and I missed my sweet patient and his family.  When I got back he hugged me a bunch and said he was so glad I was back and he missed me real bad while I was gone.  That kid just melts my stone cold heart.  I adore him.  Then he asked me if I brought him a present.  Ha!  Well to be fair, it was his birthday the day before I came in and I did indeed get him a present but I forgot to bring it with me.  Things feel mostly back to normal and even my pain from working is back full force.  I will do what I've always done.  Do stretches, massages and take pain meds until I'm so crippled I can no longer work.  Hopefully that's still a ways off.