It's been forever since I wrote last. It's nearly time for me to go to bed so I can be up in time to go to my doctor's appointment. Today was a mid-term election and Republicans took control of the senate. Okay. Everyone is up in arms about it. They are shocked and upset that a Republican won Texas governor. Really? Texas has been red for so long and lines are drawn to guarantee a win for them so why the shock and emotional upset? It's just the same thing as it's been for years. They really thought Texas was suddenly blue? *sigh* I mean really, nothing major is going to change. I guess they will see in time.
In other news, I have a lump in my breast. I discovered it nearly a week ago. I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I would ever feel something like that. Breast cancer does not run in my family. It doesn't concern me greatly... maybe not even a little. Well a tiny bit, yes. I mean there's a chance that I have it. I've had ideas in my head about stuff like that. You know how we always say, "Well if that happened to ME, I'd..." It's easy to say things like that when the idea is an abstract or unrealistic. My feelings are a little confusing. I have to wonder why I'm not horribly stressed about it. Is it because the chances are that it's nothing or that I just don't value my life all that much? Maybe a little of both. I mean it's not that my life isn't good. It's great, really. I think it got good too late. I was chatting with a co-worker the other day who talked about life going way too fast and how she wants to live to be old. Hrm... I said to her, "I assume you've had a pretty good life up until this point?" She said, "Yes." That explains a lot. Up until 5 years ago my life has mostly sucked and been full of pain and discord. Up until 5 years ago I felt like life was a prison sentence... That this mortal life was the real Hell... You know, like boot camp. So it's weird to me to think of people wanting to cling to it and make it go on as long as possible. Time does seem to go by quickly, but life feels pretty damned long to me.
I do mostly enjoy my life now. I still find it incredibly stressful. I feel like I'm swimming like mad just to hang on to the good stuff. I guess I haven't gotten to the point where I can relax and feel like I get to keep it. I expect it to be ripped away from me at any moment. I convinced myself years ago that I simply wasn't meant to be one of those people who got to have a healthy long-term relationship or a sense of a normal life. Now I have it but it feels like it's precariously balanced. I've never had the luxury of having a sense of permanence of anything. Everything changes and it changes constantly and quickly. It's been rare for me to go a whole year without my life massively changing in ways that I could not have imagined. I have actually forced sameness into my life. Sometimes it drives me crazy with boredom and meaninglessness. I mean I feel like my life now resembles most mainstream people... At least in many ways. I have a house and furniture and a job and a marriage and kitties. I have a family and "stable" life, for the most part. But I look at it and think... Okay so this is it? This is what people do for their whole lives and that's IT?
I don't really know what I expect. More color, I guess. My prison is definitely more comfortable now and more peaceful. Partly that is due to me just going inside myself. Over time I am more and more withdrawn from people. I speak less, ignore more. Many things I worried about before I worry less about now. My main worry is making sure that we are protected, should one of us perish. Of course, living in Texas, we don't have that. I fucking hate Texas. We have a house in order to make money off of it. We are staying where we're at, for the time being, because it's more prudent for our future, assuming we live to retirement.
Tomorrow I'm going to my appointment and I expect I'll have a bit more knowledge than I did before but won't likely have any answers. If it's cancer, then I have to decide what lengths I want to go to attempt to get rid of it or just spend the rest of my life helping my partner to prepare and be protected. I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of living in pain and nausea. I'm afraid of being a burden to my loved ones and traumatizing them with my deterioration.
I guess we'll see what happens.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Why I Cry When I Cry
Today is my first day off after working four 12-hour shifts in a row. On top of that little deficit, I had to wake up early to go to my Jenny Craig appointment. I've been grumpy for about 24 hours now... Well grumpier than my norm. I had a HORRIBLE night with my patient last night. He's super high maintenance and when I'm already exhausted I just don't have the patience and I'm super clumsy and generally feel like an incompetent waste of flesh. It's a horrible state to be in and I feel really vulnerable and emotional. Sometimes I pick fights with my spouse. Fortunately he can usually take it in stride and understands it's not personal. I don't express my feelings of depression and sadness very often, because I hate feeling like it will be used as a weapon against me so it comes out in other ways. I cry at silly shows on TV. I still get teased about crying at Cupcake Wars. Today it was Kitchen Nightmares with Chef Ramsay saving restaurants from bankruptcy. I agree that it sounds silly on the surface, so I did do a little inner digging to figure out why do I cry so easily on shows like this?
It's not actually about the show itself. I generally dislike people. I mean as a general rule, I am disgusted by the human race and would gladly cheer on a global disaster that would wipe us off the face of the planet. It would be in the Earth's best interest to be rid of us. I remember watching The Matrix and agreeing with the bad guys. He's right! We can never be happy when things are going well. We have to have misery in order to be comfortable even if it means creating it. We ARE like a cancer on this planet. We just proliferate and consume everything in our path without balance or regard to other life that shares the planet with us. It's horrible and embarrassing to be called a human!
Okay now, couple that with this other thing inside of me. No matter how bad things get, I always have a spark of hope that things can get better. That people can actually be GOOD and KIND and can make the world a better place. It's not a big spark, but it just never seems to want to go out completely. It's ever-present. I expect people to be hateful, horrible and destructive. I expect the very worst but always am looking for the people that can show me that we aren't all ruined. We aren't all just one notch above dragging our knuckles on the ground. I need to believe that evolution IS possible.
This brings me to the reasons why I cry in silly TV shows. It's when I see these things that I so desperately need to see. When I see a sleep-walking person who has a spark inside of them ignited. I get to watch them have an emotional breakthrough, to evolve a little. I get to watch people do something that is kind and compassionate and lift the spirits of another who has been totally beaten down. When I see those things, it's like drinking a cool glass of water after walking through a hot desert for a week. It's cathartic and beautiful and I am crying with joy to see it. I'm crying like a starving person in prison might when they are set free and given an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's a little bit of food for my starving soul.
It's not actually about the show itself. I generally dislike people. I mean as a general rule, I am disgusted by the human race and would gladly cheer on a global disaster that would wipe us off the face of the planet. It would be in the Earth's best interest to be rid of us. I remember watching The Matrix and agreeing with the bad guys. He's right! We can never be happy when things are going well. We have to have misery in order to be comfortable even if it means creating it. We ARE like a cancer on this planet. We just proliferate and consume everything in our path without balance or regard to other life that shares the planet with us. It's horrible and embarrassing to be called a human!
Okay now, couple that with this other thing inside of me. No matter how bad things get, I always have a spark of hope that things can get better. That people can actually be GOOD and KIND and can make the world a better place. It's not a big spark, but it just never seems to want to go out completely. It's ever-present. I expect people to be hateful, horrible and destructive. I expect the very worst but always am looking for the people that can show me that we aren't all ruined. We aren't all just one notch above dragging our knuckles on the ground. I need to believe that evolution IS possible.
This brings me to the reasons why I cry in silly TV shows. It's when I see these things that I so desperately need to see. When I see a sleep-walking person who has a spark inside of them ignited. I get to watch them have an emotional breakthrough, to evolve a little. I get to watch people do something that is kind and compassionate and lift the spirits of another who has been totally beaten down. When I see those things, it's like drinking a cool glass of water after walking through a hot desert for a week. It's cathartic and beautiful and I am crying with joy to see it. I'm crying like a starving person in prison might when they are set free and given an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's a little bit of food for my starving soul.
Married vs. REALLY Married
This subject has been swirling around in my head for some time now. It's sort of confusing in my brain because when it happened I totally expected it, yet I was shocked at just how many people, including other LGBT people were so clueless... not even conscious of their own thinking! I'm talking about the response I got when Shaun and I got legally married in New Mexico. We had scores of people congratulating us as newlyweds. Yes, I can see your bewilderment at this right now... How about if I told you we got married 3 years ago, by a licensed clergy person, but it happened to be in Texas? Well these people all knew about that, yet they treated this New Mexico thing as if we were just newly married. I mean, really? How can so many people be so weak-minded and brain washed to allow a bunch of crotchety bigots that don't know them to define when their marriage is real? I bet they haven't even thought about it that far! We have been married for over 3 years now. Yes! REALLY married! We had a ceremony with a licensed clergy person... 2 actually, and we said our vows and exchanged rings and we were married! The New Mexico thing was purely for the legal connection. That was Magical-Piece-of-Paper Day, NOT my wedding day! I mean I appreciate the sentiments but when all those scores of people referred to me as a newlywed last February, they totally invalidated the last 3 years of my life's dedication to my partner. NOT COOL! You may now slap yourself across the back of the head. Yes, right now! Please and thank you!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Activists and Evangelism
Recently I have been under more stress than my normal dose. By that I mean, I'm in the middle of buying a house. Anyone who has bought a house in the last decade will know exactly what I mean by it being a crazy, wild, stressful ride. With all of that going on, my relationship has been largely reduced to cleaning and gathering information together, so rather roommate and business partner-like. That paired with working extra hours has left my only "oasis" to be work, which has NEVER been my oasis. It's the closest thing I have to anything that takes my mind off my stresses for a moment and calms me down. That's pretty bad considering my current patient is the most difficult one I've ever had in my life.
Now I'm not a big people person anymore, due to my over-adventurous past and constant thrust into service jobs which require me to be a sweet little lady in the face of assholery. I really should have included in my past adventures, a career in domination. I could have gotten paid to insult people and smack them around for fun! Nooooo. I had to choose a service career where I'm considered a notch above a servant. At least it pays decent.
With all of this going on, my patience has run short, if not practically non-existent and because of the nature of myself, I attract certain types of people in my life. I guess I would call them the kind of people that like to live on the fringes of society. That comes in all shapes and sizes but one fringe that I barely can deal with are my activist friends. Two groups that I have a love/hate relationship with are my trans peeps and my vegans. I have never done very well with people who think in black and white.
I have a lot of respect for both of these groups of people but there's a common thread I see among many of them. I don't know if it's because they largely feel ignored, at this point in time, or if both are having extra chemical issues the rest of us don't normally deal with. Many of both of these groups LOVE to evangelize and rule with anger. They are pissed off because no one is listening while atrocities are being committed every moment. Let me split them apart for a moment so I can elaborate.
Let's start with my trans folks first. This group of people is probably the most marginalized and discriminated group there is... On the planet. Yes, I will take the plunge and say they have it worse than anyone in the world. I get why they are pissed off. I get why they rant and rave. I wish so hard I could fix it and hope with everything in me that things will eventually become better and that the world will come to understand them more and treat them like every other human being, except maybe a group with special needs because they have a lot to deal with internally besides just emotional junk. They also have to deal with hormone craziness, assuming they go that route with transition. The thing that irritates the holy hell out of me is the sub-group that holds every person's word, language and mannerisms under a microscope. Not the cheap microscopes in high school science class... The electron microscopes that can make a speck of dust look like a crazy lumpy planet. People who actually give a shit about their feelings are too afraid to say anything contrary for fear of being labeled "trans-phobic" so everyone just tip toes around and wears their kid gloves. Well if you want to be treated like everyone else, here's a dose of reality baby. I get that your whole world is centered around gender identity. I really do get that. What YOU don't get is that the vast majority of the world has other worries and focuses AND THAT'S OKAY. Stop requiring the whole world to have the majority of their focus on gender issues and stop requiring that all people are born with some vast trans-vocabulary that will actually please you, that they are good enough to speak out loud. Please understand that most folks have never and will never meet a trans person, at least that they know of, in their life. They barely even know what the word transgender means, let alone getting all offended if someone says transgendered instead of transgender or they look at you like you have 3 heads when you use the term "cis-gendered". That's YOU separating yourself from everyone else and excluding yourself from the rest of the population. I'm all about labels being used descriptively but when it comes to labeling other people, it's best if we use labels for ourselves. Just like you wish to carry a label that fits your spirit, don't go around presuming to label everyone else and then expect them to welcome you with open arms. Hostility towards cis-gendered folks just makes you look crazy, extreme and frankly, jealous. If you wish to go the route of educating people, most likely you need to dumb it waaaay down and don't be pissed about it. Most of you may live in a safety bubble of people who already know this stuff so you may take for granted how little the rest of the world knows about you. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt that while they may be ignorant and old-fashioned and scared, most people still have a pretty good heart and would actually be open to something new if presented in a kind and patient way.
A lot of this line of thinking goes to the vegans I know. They are hard-core animal rights activists. I get that. I get the love of animals. I get the desire, need and connectedness with the world around us. I get the rage at people's carelessness, at factory farming and all the cruelty and abuse that animals are forced to endure in the name of cheap meat for people. I really do get that. To me veganism is an ideal. I would love it if the human body were designed to be totally healthy living on plants alone. I truly, truly do not believe this is the case. I have studied nutrition extensively, along with my own personal experimentation with different styles of eating. I absolutely, to the core of my being, feel that the human body was designed to be healthy WITH animal products. I absolutely advocate raising animals humanely in as natural of a habitat as possible and that when they are killed for consumption, it be done in the quickest and least traumatic way possible. I absolutely advocate for sustainability of all food resources and energy resources. I have met maybe a small handful of people who have been vegan for decades and appear to be healthy. The vast majority I have met cannot sustain it and their health fails them. Now it is debatable between the vegans and I if said failures were due to eating smart or eating vegan. That being said, I also think that vegans love to lump all "meat eaters" into one category and whatever studies that are performed on health, do not separate out those who eat factory farmed products, along with a bunch of processed junk, and those that eat sustainable, organic and pastured products with no processed fake crap. I get that you think killing animals for ANY reason is committing murder. Do you know who you sound like? You sound like pro-life advocates. You sound like extreme tea-party freaks who think the earth was really built by a big invisible man in a week and that dinosaur bones were put in the Earth to test our faith. I'm being very serious here. As long as you refer to people who eat meat as murderers you will get NO WHERE.
I have a few bones to pick with these people.
First off, if you associate openly with PETA, you will automatically be put in the crazy freak group and no longer listened to. PETA is known for pulling crazy stunts that involve vandalizing property and actually putting animals in MORE harm than they were before. Another thing, which will also be in another post regarding Facebook etiquette, please know that ALL animal lovers know that there are people out there that are cruel to animals and abuse them. When you post graphic depictions of this it doesn't save any animals. It only traumatizes the people who are already on your side and makes them feel even more helpless than before... and depressed. Depressed at the state of the world because there is so much shittiness in it. It's overwhelming and WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! So thanks for your images that we can never unsee and will haunt us forever. Your tactics of guilt and shame are really shitty and ineffective because the rest of the people who aren't animal lovers don't give a shit. IF there is an actual way to save these animals, please post THAT. Not, "Oh the humanity! Look what you pieces of shit condone!" Really? How well is that working for you? I have news for you. I'm not going to starve my body to suit you. I feel like total shit if I eat nothing but plants and I always feel like I'm starving. Starving makes me bitchy. Like I am going to kill someone and then eat them, kind of bitchy. Don't TELL me I don't love animals because I eat meat. Some animals eat other animals. It's called NATURE. Nature is a bitch sometimes. I can't watch a lion kill a gazelle but I realize it is the natural order of things. I hate that my cats might catch a cute little bunny and kill it. It's their nature. If I had to live off the land, I would kill animals and eat them. I would not find joy in it but I would do what needs to be done in order to survive. I get that this probably pisses you off. I DON'T CARE. Your emotional overload is really your issue to deal with. I will fight factory farming with you. Not with rage and screaming and ranting though. I will calmly educate people I believe are ready to hear it and I will not try to shock them into complying. People are being more educated. I see the change. The world will never be vegan but I do believe that animals will receive better treatment than they do now. I do believe that local farms that are honest and transparent will be seeing more and more business and that will create other problems, but hopefully we will work out better solutions. You will NOT win people to your side with anger and rage, with guilt and shame. You just look like a crazy person who is starving for nutrients you aren't getting from plants. You will get lots of cheers from the people already on your side and if that's what you are going for, all the more power. If you are just needed to say, "Here's my opinion!" then go for it. If you really want to win people over, being an asshole isn't going to work.
If you want to create change then BE the change. Be friendly and respectful to the people around you and they will come to you for information. Give your information in a calm and non-judgmental manner and allow them the space to come to their own conclusions. If you try to force the issue, it will only make matters worse. That being said, no matter how sweet and kind religious people are to me, I will never identify with their religion. I will appreciate their gentle manner and will have an exchange of ideas with them but I will never be one of them. I will also never be a vegan but I'm perfectly open to dialogue and meeting at a certain level of common ground. This can be done. I know it can. Death is a part of life and every living thing becomes food to sustain other living things. That's how life keeps going on. It can be done with reverence and respect and I hope that some day that will be enough to bring you peace.
Now I'm not a big people person anymore, due to my over-adventurous past and constant thrust into service jobs which require me to be a sweet little lady in the face of assholery. I really should have included in my past adventures, a career in domination. I could have gotten paid to insult people and smack them around for fun! Nooooo. I had to choose a service career where I'm considered a notch above a servant. At least it pays decent.
With all of this going on, my patience has run short, if not practically non-existent and because of the nature of myself, I attract certain types of people in my life. I guess I would call them the kind of people that like to live on the fringes of society. That comes in all shapes and sizes but one fringe that I barely can deal with are my activist friends. Two groups that I have a love/hate relationship with are my trans peeps and my vegans. I have never done very well with people who think in black and white.
I have a lot of respect for both of these groups of people but there's a common thread I see among many of them. I don't know if it's because they largely feel ignored, at this point in time, or if both are having extra chemical issues the rest of us don't normally deal with. Many of both of these groups LOVE to evangelize and rule with anger. They are pissed off because no one is listening while atrocities are being committed every moment. Let me split them apart for a moment so I can elaborate.
Let's start with my trans folks first. This group of people is probably the most marginalized and discriminated group there is... On the planet. Yes, I will take the plunge and say they have it worse than anyone in the world. I get why they are pissed off. I get why they rant and rave. I wish so hard I could fix it and hope with everything in me that things will eventually become better and that the world will come to understand them more and treat them like every other human being, except maybe a group with special needs because they have a lot to deal with internally besides just emotional junk. They also have to deal with hormone craziness, assuming they go that route with transition. The thing that irritates the holy hell out of me is the sub-group that holds every person's word, language and mannerisms under a microscope. Not the cheap microscopes in high school science class... The electron microscopes that can make a speck of dust look like a crazy lumpy planet. People who actually give a shit about their feelings are too afraid to say anything contrary for fear of being labeled "trans-phobic" so everyone just tip toes around and wears their kid gloves. Well if you want to be treated like everyone else, here's a dose of reality baby. I get that your whole world is centered around gender identity. I really do get that. What YOU don't get is that the vast majority of the world has other worries and focuses AND THAT'S OKAY. Stop requiring the whole world to have the majority of their focus on gender issues and stop requiring that all people are born with some vast trans-vocabulary that will actually please you, that they are good enough to speak out loud. Please understand that most folks have never and will never meet a trans person, at least that they know of, in their life. They barely even know what the word transgender means, let alone getting all offended if someone says transgendered instead of transgender or they look at you like you have 3 heads when you use the term "cis-gendered". That's YOU separating yourself from everyone else and excluding yourself from the rest of the population. I'm all about labels being used descriptively but when it comes to labeling other people, it's best if we use labels for ourselves. Just like you wish to carry a label that fits your spirit, don't go around presuming to label everyone else and then expect them to welcome you with open arms. Hostility towards cis-gendered folks just makes you look crazy, extreme and frankly, jealous. If you wish to go the route of educating people, most likely you need to dumb it waaaay down and don't be pissed about it. Most of you may live in a safety bubble of people who already know this stuff so you may take for granted how little the rest of the world knows about you. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt that while they may be ignorant and old-fashioned and scared, most people still have a pretty good heart and would actually be open to something new if presented in a kind and patient way.
A lot of this line of thinking goes to the vegans I know. They are hard-core animal rights activists. I get that. I get the love of animals. I get the desire, need and connectedness with the world around us. I get the rage at people's carelessness, at factory farming and all the cruelty and abuse that animals are forced to endure in the name of cheap meat for people. I really do get that. To me veganism is an ideal. I would love it if the human body were designed to be totally healthy living on plants alone. I truly, truly do not believe this is the case. I have studied nutrition extensively, along with my own personal experimentation with different styles of eating. I absolutely, to the core of my being, feel that the human body was designed to be healthy WITH animal products. I absolutely advocate raising animals humanely in as natural of a habitat as possible and that when they are killed for consumption, it be done in the quickest and least traumatic way possible. I absolutely advocate for sustainability of all food resources and energy resources. I have met maybe a small handful of people who have been vegan for decades and appear to be healthy. The vast majority I have met cannot sustain it and their health fails them. Now it is debatable between the vegans and I if said failures were due to eating smart or eating vegan. That being said, I also think that vegans love to lump all "meat eaters" into one category and whatever studies that are performed on health, do not separate out those who eat factory farmed products, along with a bunch of processed junk, and those that eat sustainable, organic and pastured products with no processed fake crap. I get that you think killing animals for ANY reason is committing murder. Do you know who you sound like? You sound like pro-life advocates. You sound like extreme tea-party freaks who think the earth was really built by a big invisible man in a week and that dinosaur bones were put in the Earth to test our faith. I'm being very serious here. As long as you refer to people who eat meat as murderers you will get NO WHERE.
I have a few bones to pick with these people.
First off, if you associate openly with PETA, you will automatically be put in the crazy freak group and no longer listened to. PETA is known for pulling crazy stunts that involve vandalizing property and actually putting animals in MORE harm than they were before. Another thing, which will also be in another post regarding Facebook etiquette, please know that ALL animal lovers know that there are people out there that are cruel to animals and abuse them. When you post graphic depictions of this it doesn't save any animals. It only traumatizes the people who are already on your side and makes them feel even more helpless than before... and depressed. Depressed at the state of the world because there is so much shittiness in it. It's overwhelming and WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! So thanks for your images that we can never unsee and will haunt us forever. Your tactics of guilt and shame are really shitty and ineffective because the rest of the people who aren't animal lovers don't give a shit. IF there is an actual way to save these animals, please post THAT. Not, "Oh the humanity! Look what you pieces of shit condone!" Really? How well is that working for you? I have news for you. I'm not going to starve my body to suit you. I feel like total shit if I eat nothing but plants and I always feel like I'm starving. Starving makes me bitchy. Like I am going to kill someone and then eat them, kind of bitchy. Don't TELL me I don't love animals because I eat meat. Some animals eat other animals. It's called NATURE. Nature is a bitch sometimes. I can't watch a lion kill a gazelle but I realize it is the natural order of things. I hate that my cats might catch a cute little bunny and kill it. It's their nature. If I had to live off the land, I would kill animals and eat them. I would not find joy in it but I would do what needs to be done in order to survive. I get that this probably pisses you off. I DON'T CARE. Your emotional overload is really your issue to deal with. I will fight factory farming with you. Not with rage and screaming and ranting though. I will calmly educate people I believe are ready to hear it and I will not try to shock them into complying. People are being more educated. I see the change. The world will never be vegan but I do believe that animals will receive better treatment than they do now. I do believe that local farms that are honest and transparent will be seeing more and more business and that will create other problems, but hopefully we will work out better solutions. You will NOT win people to your side with anger and rage, with guilt and shame. You just look like a crazy person who is starving for nutrients you aren't getting from plants. You will get lots of cheers from the people already on your side and if that's what you are going for, all the more power. If you are just needed to say, "Here's my opinion!" then go for it. If you really want to win people over, being an asshole isn't going to work.
If you want to create change then BE the change. Be friendly and respectful to the people around you and they will come to you for information. Give your information in a calm and non-judgmental manner and allow them the space to come to their own conclusions. If you try to force the issue, it will only make matters worse. That being said, no matter how sweet and kind religious people are to me, I will never identify with their religion. I will appreciate their gentle manner and will have an exchange of ideas with them but I will never be one of them. I will also never be a vegan but I'm perfectly open to dialogue and meeting at a certain level of common ground. This can be done. I know it can. Death is a part of life and every living thing becomes food to sustain other living things. That's how life keeps going on. It can be done with reverence and respect and I hope that some day that will be enough to bring you peace.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Enlightenment vs. Moral Superiority
A few days ago I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them asked a very good question:
I brought up the discussion with another friend of mine I consider to be intelligent and wise in life, who stated one cannot be both empathetic and judgmental. I disagree with this since I can and frequently have felt both, intensely, at the same time. For instance, if a person is abusing an animal, I feel empathetic towards the animal and it also brings out a protector side to me that would be dangerous towards the abuser, if faced with it in person. Who knows? Perhaps potentially fatal. It brings out that much emotion in me.
So with that subject matter, becoming acutely aware of the atrocities that humans are capable of towards each other, towards other creatures or towards the environment as a whole, leaves some of us who have a protective and empathic side, to then feel depressed, anxious, angry and overwhelmed and it's frustrating knowing that things *could* change for the better, if only people were informed. Surly people would take action to stop it if they only knew about it, right? Wrong. In spite of how unbelievable it is to just *know* that people would make the same decisions or come to the same conclusions of us, if we just make them aware, we are all still interpreting our reality through our own tiny little window. Every single one of us has to make judgments based on what we are told, based on our experiences, based on what we see and feel... We are at different points in our lives and perhaps are basing our opinions on very specific instances that may sway a point of view one way or another.
The only tool I have that even comes close to avoiding the judgment of others actually has everything to do with how I interpret spirituality, which is also very unique to me. I'm mainly a Humanist, so I believe in "doing the right thing", simply for the sake of making the world a better place. That has to be based on my own judgment which may not match someone else's. The other part of my personal belief system has to do with us having roles in each other's mortal lives in order to be challenged and grow. I do think it's entirely plausible that some souls have the difficult mission of being antagonists in this life in order to challenge us and allow us opportunities to grow and learn. Unfortunately, most of the best learning comes from pain and suffering. Sometimes it's our own but we are all connected so it's going to also result in the suffering of others. It's not a justification of poor behavior. It's simply a way that I, personally, am able to view the world as an organism and all life on it as organisms who's purpose is to experience life in one form or another and create a story of billions of different points of view and billions of different versions of what's real, what's true, what's important. I have to stand way back, like I'm on the moon looking at the Earth and seeing the whole thing all at once. It's an understanding that we all have roles to play, warriors and peacekeepers alike, victims and abusers, hunters and the hunted... Whatever combination you can come up with, there's an agonist and an antagonist.
In certain schools of spiritual teachings, real "truth" is seen like a pie, with every person able to see only a sliver of the pie due to our limited view that can only be based on our own experiences in life. My slice is truth, while someone else may have the opposite view point and also have truth. I can allow for the possibility that the opposite of one truth can also be part of the whole truth, no matter how hard it is for me to fathom it. Ego needs to be "right". It needs pettings and worship and validation. Enlightenment comes when one no longer needs that from others. My "truth" of enlightenment is causing change in the world through change in myself, for allowing others to walk their path and find their own truth, whether it agrees with mine or not. For allowing others to learn and grow at their own pace and not require all people to be at the same place I am, nor expecting myself to be at the same place as another. There's a purpose for all of us. Some of us have the difficult job of being the antagonists, while others get to be the saviors of the world and take the credit for the change.
I aspire to this. I'm not there completely or even half the time, but I thank my friend for asking the question and challenging me to answer it.
Peace.
"How does one become more enlightened and avoid being more judgmental or feeling superior to others?"Just speaking for myself, this is a challenge I face in my own life and I have never found a way out of it. The short answer? I don't know but when I figure it out I'll let you know. My opinion is that enlightenment and feelings of superiority are the opposite of each other. As I learn and evolve and make decisions in my life that I feel make the world a better place, I also take on frustrations with others who don't seem to care about how their actions affect the world around them. I lack patience. I'm incredibly judgmental but I don't consider it a virtue. I consider it to be one of my biggest flaws and one of the top most important things to overcome. I want to be able to make choices that leave the world a better place without letting other people's actions dictate my emotions.
I brought up the discussion with another friend of mine I consider to be intelligent and wise in life, who stated one cannot be both empathetic and judgmental. I disagree with this since I can and frequently have felt both, intensely, at the same time. For instance, if a person is abusing an animal, I feel empathetic towards the animal and it also brings out a protector side to me that would be dangerous towards the abuser, if faced with it in person. Who knows? Perhaps potentially fatal. It brings out that much emotion in me.
So with that subject matter, becoming acutely aware of the atrocities that humans are capable of towards each other, towards other creatures or towards the environment as a whole, leaves some of us who have a protective and empathic side, to then feel depressed, anxious, angry and overwhelmed and it's frustrating knowing that things *could* change for the better, if only people were informed. Surly people would take action to stop it if they only knew about it, right? Wrong. In spite of how unbelievable it is to just *know* that people would make the same decisions or come to the same conclusions of us, if we just make them aware, we are all still interpreting our reality through our own tiny little window. Every single one of us has to make judgments based on what we are told, based on our experiences, based on what we see and feel... We are at different points in our lives and perhaps are basing our opinions on very specific instances that may sway a point of view one way or another.
The only tool I have that even comes close to avoiding the judgment of others actually has everything to do with how I interpret spirituality, which is also very unique to me. I'm mainly a Humanist, so I believe in "doing the right thing", simply for the sake of making the world a better place. That has to be based on my own judgment which may not match someone else's. The other part of my personal belief system has to do with us having roles in each other's mortal lives in order to be challenged and grow. I do think it's entirely plausible that some souls have the difficult mission of being antagonists in this life in order to challenge us and allow us opportunities to grow and learn. Unfortunately, most of the best learning comes from pain and suffering. Sometimes it's our own but we are all connected so it's going to also result in the suffering of others. It's not a justification of poor behavior. It's simply a way that I, personally, am able to view the world as an organism and all life on it as organisms who's purpose is to experience life in one form or another and create a story of billions of different points of view and billions of different versions of what's real, what's true, what's important. I have to stand way back, like I'm on the moon looking at the Earth and seeing the whole thing all at once. It's an understanding that we all have roles to play, warriors and peacekeepers alike, victims and abusers, hunters and the hunted... Whatever combination you can come up with, there's an agonist and an antagonist.
In certain schools of spiritual teachings, real "truth" is seen like a pie, with every person able to see only a sliver of the pie due to our limited view that can only be based on our own experiences in life. My slice is truth, while someone else may have the opposite view point and also have truth. I can allow for the possibility that the opposite of one truth can also be part of the whole truth, no matter how hard it is for me to fathom it. Ego needs to be "right". It needs pettings and worship and validation. Enlightenment comes when one no longer needs that from others. My "truth" of enlightenment is causing change in the world through change in myself, for allowing others to walk their path and find their own truth, whether it agrees with mine or not. For allowing others to learn and grow at their own pace and not require all people to be at the same place I am, nor expecting myself to be at the same place as another. There's a purpose for all of us. Some of us have the difficult job of being the antagonists, while others get to be the saviors of the world and take the credit for the change.
I aspire to this. I'm not there completely or even half the time, but I thank my friend for asking the question and challenging me to answer it.
Peace.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Reflections of a Year
I'm awake right now but I'm not supposed to be. I let my husbutch talk me into going to bed hours before I normally do and woke up right about the time I normally go to sleep. No matter. I might as well make the best of it and post a blog.
At this point in my life, I try to make it a point to have the most uneventful life possible. Until the last few years, my life was like living in a tornado. It was just constant change, be it relationships, moving, jobs or whatever. I've held my current job for 3 years. I'm nearing my 4 year anniversary in my relationship. I've lived in the same apartment for almost 2.5 years. That's really good for me. This new year will hopefully hold some changes in it that move us in a positive direction, like buying a house and dropping some weight. I have an appointment tomorrow at Jenny Craig to get started. I don't know if it will work, because nothing else has, but it has worked in the past so I'll give it a try. I just have to ignore the ingredient list on the food because I'm sure I would be totally appalled if I read it.
In reflecting over 2013, I'd say it was a year of general stabilization. That's the best word I can use. My relationship feels more solid than it did before. I did hit a difficult spot but it has to do with baggage from the past that needs a bit of attention. I plan to try out an alternative type therapy that involves lights and colors and makes a physiological brain shift. Sometimes we have experiences in life that have such a deep impression that it's like our brains get rewired. My trust issues run that deep. I have trusted a few individuals completely, as I should have been able to do, and was completely betrayed. It just messed with my head to the point that I think everything I see, hear and experience is an illusion. Some may argue that all of life is an illusion but I'm not talking about physics here. I'm talking about the simplicity of being able to trust certain people to not tear your world apart without a backward glance, like spouses and parents.
This past summer, we went on a long road trip with the primary focus of attending a family reunion. It was the first time of me taking a same-sex significant other to meet my WHOLE family. It have to say, for a bunch of Idahoan rednecks, it went swimmingly. No one made a big deal about it, at least not to my face. Most went out of their way to be welcoming, which I very much appreciated. Mostly I appreciate my parents for this since I can't say the same thing for my in-law family. I now have nearly every person related to my spouse deleted and blocked, save for a few cousins who are always very supportive. I avoid them like the plague. I'll be grateful it isn't both of our families that put us through hell. The level of disrespect on that side... It runs so deep and rampant, but they are only barely aware of themselves and the pain they cause. They care only of their own whims and in the process they push us farther away every day. If only they could actually put forth the tiniest bit of effort and humility, but the ego is in control so there isn't much one can do to change it unless they actually desired to see a world outside of their paper-thin view. My brother is the only one on my side of the family that is a religious extremist. I have no contact with him and haven't in... Maybe almost a decade by now. I'm not sure. It's my poor parents that have to endure that. For all these people, I just wish inner peace and the ability to see outside of the tiny little brown box they exist in that they think is the world.
Speaking of which, Utah has same-sex marriage now! I just can't get over that. I am from there and never thought I'd see the day. Well I think most of them are thinking that. People are still reeling and I can't help but have a giggle over it because I know many are scrambling over there to put a stop to the whole thing. It's so much better to view life as a series of movies going on around me. I'm less emotionally involved in the world outside of myself that I have absolutely no control over.
Okay so... this year, drop 50 pounds, at least, and get in a house. I guess that means we are deciding to stay living in Texas. I would LOVE to be able to live in Portland so I can be closer to my family but it would cost so much and neither of us are looking forward to totally starting over with looking for jobs and a place to live. I don't think I can count on my sister to give her adult children the boot to make room for us and not looking forward to dealing with her stairs anyway.
I'll try to be better about posting more introspections. I have them in my mind but whenever I'm really thinking about them, I'm not in a place where I can just write the blog.
At this point in my life, I try to make it a point to have the most uneventful life possible. Until the last few years, my life was like living in a tornado. It was just constant change, be it relationships, moving, jobs or whatever. I've held my current job for 3 years. I'm nearing my 4 year anniversary in my relationship. I've lived in the same apartment for almost 2.5 years. That's really good for me. This new year will hopefully hold some changes in it that move us in a positive direction, like buying a house and dropping some weight. I have an appointment tomorrow at Jenny Craig to get started. I don't know if it will work, because nothing else has, but it has worked in the past so I'll give it a try. I just have to ignore the ingredient list on the food because I'm sure I would be totally appalled if I read it.
In reflecting over 2013, I'd say it was a year of general stabilization. That's the best word I can use. My relationship feels more solid than it did before. I did hit a difficult spot but it has to do with baggage from the past that needs a bit of attention. I plan to try out an alternative type therapy that involves lights and colors and makes a physiological brain shift. Sometimes we have experiences in life that have such a deep impression that it's like our brains get rewired. My trust issues run that deep. I have trusted a few individuals completely, as I should have been able to do, and was completely betrayed. It just messed with my head to the point that I think everything I see, hear and experience is an illusion. Some may argue that all of life is an illusion but I'm not talking about physics here. I'm talking about the simplicity of being able to trust certain people to not tear your world apart without a backward glance, like spouses and parents.
This past summer, we went on a long road trip with the primary focus of attending a family reunion. It was the first time of me taking a same-sex significant other to meet my WHOLE family. It have to say, for a bunch of Idahoan rednecks, it went swimmingly. No one made a big deal about it, at least not to my face. Most went out of their way to be welcoming, which I very much appreciated. Mostly I appreciate my parents for this since I can't say the same thing for my in-law family. I now have nearly every person related to my spouse deleted and blocked, save for a few cousins who are always very supportive. I avoid them like the plague. I'll be grateful it isn't both of our families that put us through hell. The level of disrespect on that side... It runs so deep and rampant, but they are only barely aware of themselves and the pain they cause. They care only of their own whims and in the process they push us farther away every day. If only they could actually put forth the tiniest bit of effort and humility, but the ego is in control so there isn't much one can do to change it unless they actually desired to see a world outside of their paper-thin view. My brother is the only one on my side of the family that is a religious extremist. I have no contact with him and haven't in... Maybe almost a decade by now. I'm not sure. It's my poor parents that have to endure that. For all these people, I just wish inner peace and the ability to see outside of the tiny little brown box they exist in that they think is the world.
Speaking of which, Utah has same-sex marriage now! I just can't get over that. I am from there and never thought I'd see the day. Well I think most of them are thinking that. People are still reeling and I can't help but have a giggle over it because I know many are scrambling over there to put a stop to the whole thing. It's so much better to view life as a series of movies going on around me. I'm less emotionally involved in the world outside of myself that I have absolutely no control over.
Okay so... this year, drop 50 pounds, at least, and get in a house. I guess that means we are deciding to stay living in Texas. I would LOVE to be able to live in Portland so I can be closer to my family but it would cost so much and neither of us are looking forward to totally starting over with looking for jobs and a place to live. I don't think I can count on my sister to give her adult children the boot to make room for us and not looking forward to dealing with her stairs anyway.
I'll try to be better about posting more introspections. I have them in my mind but whenever I'm really thinking about them, I'm not in a place where I can just write the blog.
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