I'm awake right now but I'm not supposed to be. I let my husbutch talk me into going to bed hours before I normally do and woke up right about the time I normally go to sleep. No matter. I might as well make the best of it and post a blog.
At this point in my life, I try to make it a point to have the most uneventful life possible. Until the last few years, my life was like living in a tornado. It was just constant change, be it relationships, moving, jobs or whatever. I've held my current job for 3 years. I'm nearing my 4 year anniversary in my relationship. I've lived in the same apartment for almost 2.5 years. That's really good for me. This new year will hopefully hold some changes in it that move us in a positive direction, like buying a house and dropping some weight. I have an appointment tomorrow at Jenny Craig to get started. I don't know if it will work, because nothing else has, but it has worked in the past so I'll give it a try. I just have to ignore the ingredient list on the food because I'm sure I would be totally appalled if I read it.
In reflecting over 2013, I'd say it was a year of general stabilization. That's the best word I can use. My relationship feels more solid than it did before. I did hit a difficult spot but it has to do with baggage from the past that needs a bit of attention. I plan to try out an alternative type therapy that involves lights and colors and makes a physiological brain shift. Sometimes we have experiences in life that have such a deep impression that it's like our brains get rewired. My trust issues run that deep. I have trusted a few individuals completely, as I should have been able to do, and was completely betrayed. It just messed with my head to the point that I think everything I see, hear and experience is an illusion. Some may argue that all of life is an illusion but I'm not talking about physics here. I'm talking about the simplicity of being able to trust certain people to not tear your world apart without a backward glance, like spouses and parents.
This past summer, we went on a long road trip with the primary focus of attending a family reunion. It was the first time of me taking a same-sex significant other to meet my WHOLE family. It have to say, for a bunch of Idahoan rednecks, it went swimmingly. No one made a big deal about it, at least not to my face. Most went out of their way to be welcoming, which I very much appreciated. Mostly I appreciate my parents for this since I can't say the same thing for my in-law family. I now have nearly every person related to my spouse deleted and blocked, save for a few cousins who are always very supportive. I avoid them like the plague. I'll be grateful it isn't both of our families that put us through hell. The level of disrespect on that side... It runs so deep and rampant, but they are only barely aware of themselves and the pain they cause. They care only of their own whims and in the process they push us farther away every day. If only they could actually put forth the tiniest bit of effort and humility, but the ego is in control so there isn't much one can do to change it unless they actually desired to see a world outside of their paper-thin view. My brother is the only one on my side of the family that is a religious extremist. I have no contact with him and haven't in... Maybe almost a decade by now. I'm not sure. It's my poor parents that have to endure that. For all these people, I just wish inner peace and the ability to see outside of the tiny little brown box they exist in that they think is the world.
Speaking of which, Utah has same-sex marriage now! I just can't get over that. I am from there and never thought I'd see the day. Well I think most of them are thinking that. People are still reeling and I can't help but have a giggle over it because I know many are scrambling over there to put a stop to the whole thing. It's so much better to view life as a series of movies going on around me. I'm less emotionally involved in the world outside of myself that I have absolutely no control over.
Okay so... this year, drop 50 pounds, at least, and get in a house. I guess that means we are deciding to stay living in Texas. I would LOVE to be able to live in Portland so I can be closer to my family but it would cost so much and neither of us are looking forward to totally starting over with looking for jobs and a place to live. I don't think I can count on my sister to give her adult children the boot to make room for us and not looking forward to dealing with her stairs anyway.
I'll try to be better about posting more introspections. I have them in my mind but whenever I'm really thinking about them, I'm not in a place where I can just write the blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment