I need to blog, if anything, for the love of patience. Seriously, if a quarter magically appeared for every person who said, "If there's anything I can do....", I wouldn't even need to worry about taking time off. Really people, Come up with something new PLEASE. Are we really that robotic? Those words are so empty and so vacuous. Just. Stop. Already. My own brain washing prevents me from begging them to stop because their intentions are good, therefore I shall only show gratitude for their empty words that mean nothing.
Actually, I'm apparently the sane one in the relationship today. Earlier there was a problem getting on to the website to pay our power bill so Shaun tried to call them and had a total meltdown after 5 minutes of trying to get a breathing human being on the phone. I sent him out on an errand and took over the task. That problem is solved and was done so in a very calm and sane manner, in spite of the abysmal sad excuse for customer service they have.
One good thing about today is I have the cutest crocheted Cabbage Patch wig that a woman made for me who doesn't know me. I spent half the afternoon braiding the yarn pony tails. It's the only "wig" I'll be wearing during this journey. The emotional attachment people have to hair is a little amusing. Out of all of this, hair being gone is pretty far down on the list of negative side effects to me. It doesn't hurt to be bald... well not usually and very minimally. It's attention getting but so what. I'd way rather be bald than feel like I'm giving anal birth to a baby elephant made of broken glass.
Also, I have a new side effect I've been dealing with for nearly a week. It's called "hand and foot syndrome". It's only affecting my feet but it feels like the skin on the bottoms of my feet are burned. It's actually painful to walk on the cracks of my floor. I don't walk on them much and just trying to baby them so they don't get worse. Apparently they really can get huge blisters and crack open with this. They certainly feel like they are on the verge.
The constant pain and fatigue is making me grumpy and less positive. I just need a break from misery once in a while and I don't know when I'll get it. I'm hoping with this next type of chemo it will back off a little so I can have some life enjoyment once more. I mostly feel like a useless lump of flesh now.
Before I was finished with this, Shaun had another meltdown and called in to work. Good. Let's not have a meltdown at work. Best to do at home. I really don't know what the solution is except just keep swimming.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
3rd chemo in... 13 more to go
I just had my 3rd chemo treatment 2 days ago. It's been.... interesting, to say the least. I haven't had a lot of the side effects but the few I have had have kicked my ass. I mean that sort of literally. My first major side effects were with one of the anti-nausea meds they give before they administer the chemo drugs. I had a few minutes where I could barely breathe, like I was breathing through a tiny hole. That was stressful but didn't last very long. Then at the end of the treatment I had severe abdominal cramping. Well it felt like period cramps but got a lot worse and went down my legs. They had to dope me up with Ativan to make it stop. It sucked and lasted maybe 20 minutes. Shaun was stressed out watching me have a stoned conversation with another stoned patient. Haha! I sort of remember it but I slept a lot.
Now when I go in they start me off with Ativan and slow that other med down and I have no problems at all. I sleep through most of the treatment and I don't get stoned. I curl up with ear buds and music to listen to and all is okay in the world.
The second time I had severe side effects was with constipation. Try to imagine being anally raped with a giant dick made of glass shards. Yeah, that about sums it up. OMG it was HORRIBLE. I did damage. It has taken me weeks of tweaking medicine and sitz baths to not feel like shooting myself in the head every time I need to go to the bathroom. I seem to have it under control again, thank the Universe! I was worried for a little bit that I may end up needing surgery for a fissure. Nature is cruel to put so many nerve endings down there. Bad nature! Bad!
My latest major side effect is also my most disappointing. I had to stop working. During the first week of my second chemo, I went ahead and went to work. It was absolute hell to get to the end of that work schedule. I was incredibly exhausted but I made it. After that I sort of tanked and my blood counts were in the toilet. My energy was also in the toilet. I had to go in to the hospital 3 days in a row to receive extra fluids and also was put on prophylactic antibiotics because I had neutropenic fevers for about 5 days in a row. I had to get extra shots to get my bones to make more blood because my counts were so low and weren't going up. I finally gave in and filed for short term disability. I don't think there will be any problems getting on it. I mean, I simply can't work right now. I have maybe 3 or 4 days every 2 weeks that I can go out in public and feel pretty good. I can't make a living doing that. This way I get 60% of my regular pay and I can actually enjoy my good days and get some things done besides working. I was using all my good days at work and Shaun was having to do everything else.
Shaun is another ball of wax. He is so stressed and on the verge of falling apart through this but is taking every measure possible to hold it together. He's on supplements for adrenal fatigue and mineral deficiency as well as some other stuff. He is on western meds for anxiety, has a really great book for the spouse of a breast cancer patient and has started therapy. It's been a rough road. He's gotten very controlling lately but is trying to take that down a notch. I'm trying to be patient and understanding about it but sometimes it goes over the top and I have to say something.
Financially I think we'll be okay. We have a fundraiser page that isn't doing that great but it's okay. On top of that we have people sending checks in the mail, which is great, and my sister and mom are both doing their own fundraiser. The amount of love and support I have in my life is amazing. It truly is. If I am to be thankful to cancer for anything, that will be it.
Okay signing off for now.
Now when I go in they start me off with Ativan and slow that other med down and I have no problems at all. I sleep through most of the treatment and I don't get stoned. I curl up with ear buds and music to listen to and all is okay in the world.
The second time I had severe side effects was with constipation. Try to imagine being anally raped with a giant dick made of glass shards. Yeah, that about sums it up. OMG it was HORRIBLE. I did damage. It has taken me weeks of tweaking medicine and sitz baths to not feel like shooting myself in the head every time I need to go to the bathroom. I seem to have it under control again, thank the Universe! I was worried for a little bit that I may end up needing surgery for a fissure. Nature is cruel to put so many nerve endings down there. Bad nature! Bad!
My latest major side effect is also my most disappointing. I had to stop working. During the first week of my second chemo, I went ahead and went to work. It was absolute hell to get to the end of that work schedule. I was incredibly exhausted but I made it. After that I sort of tanked and my blood counts were in the toilet. My energy was also in the toilet. I had to go in to the hospital 3 days in a row to receive extra fluids and also was put on prophylactic antibiotics because I had neutropenic fevers for about 5 days in a row. I had to get extra shots to get my bones to make more blood because my counts were so low and weren't going up. I finally gave in and filed for short term disability. I don't think there will be any problems getting on it. I mean, I simply can't work right now. I have maybe 3 or 4 days every 2 weeks that I can go out in public and feel pretty good. I can't make a living doing that. This way I get 60% of my regular pay and I can actually enjoy my good days and get some things done besides working. I was using all my good days at work and Shaun was having to do everything else.
Shaun is another ball of wax. He is so stressed and on the verge of falling apart through this but is taking every measure possible to hold it together. He's on supplements for adrenal fatigue and mineral deficiency as well as some other stuff. He is on western meds for anxiety, has a really great book for the spouse of a breast cancer patient and has started therapy. It's been a rough road. He's gotten very controlling lately but is trying to take that down a notch. I'm trying to be patient and understanding about it but sometimes it goes over the top and I have to say something.
Financially I think we'll be okay. We have a fundraiser page that isn't doing that great but it's okay. On top of that we have people sending checks in the mail, which is great, and my sister and mom are both doing their own fundraiser. The amount of love and support I have in my life is amazing. It truly is. If I am to be thankful to cancer for anything, that will be it.
Okay signing off for now.
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