Meltdowns and Misery

I need to blog, if anything, for the love of patience.  Seriously, if a quarter magically appeared for every person who said, "If there's anything I can do....", I wouldn't even need to worry about taking time off.  Really people,  Come up with something new PLEASE.  Are we really that robotic?  Those words are so empty and so vacuous.  Just.  Stop.  Already.  My own brain washing prevents me from begging them to stop because their intentions are good, therefore I shall only show gratitude for their empty words that mean nothing.

Actually, I'm apparently the sane one in the relationship today.  Earlier there was a problem getting on to the website to pay our power bill so Shaun tried to call them and had a total meltdown after 5 minutes of trying to get a breathing human being on the phone.  I sent him out on an errand and took over the task.  That problem is solved and was done so in a very calm and sane manner, in spite of the abysmal sad excuse for customer service they have.

One good thing about today is I have the cutest crocheted Cabbage Patch wig that a woman made for me who doesn't know me.  I spent half the afternoon braiding the yarn pony tails.  It's the only "wig" I'll be wearing during this journey.  The emotional attachment people have to hair is a little amusing.  Out of all of this, hair being gone is pretty far down on the list of negative side effects to me.  It doesn't hurt to be bald... well not usually and very minimally.  It's attention getting but so what.  I'd way rather be bald than feel like I'm giving anal birth to a baby elephant made of broken glass.

Also, I have a new side effect I've been dealing with for nearly a week.  It's called "hand and foot syndrome".  It's only affecting my feet but it feels like the skin on the bottoms of my feet are burned.  It's actually painful to walk on the cracks of my floor.  I don't walk on them much and just trying to baby them so they don't get worse.  Apparently they really can get huge blisters and crack open with this.  They certainly feel like they are on the verge.

The constant pain and fatigue is making me grumpy and less positive.  I just need a break from misery once in a while and I don't know when I'll get it.  I'm hoping with this next type of chemo it will back off a little so I can have some life enjoyment once more.  I mostly feel like a useless lump of flesh now.

Before I was finished with this, Shaun had another meltdown and called in to work.  Good.  Let's not have a meltdown at work.  Best to do at home.  I really don't know what the solution is except just keep swimming.