Meltdown

A week ago I was content,  happy and secure in my life and in my marriage.  In the past several days, everything was turned upsidedown.  Shaun has been battling some depression for the past month and an incident involving another person I love who turned into a mean drunk, was the last straw for him and sent him into a tailspin.  Now he's decided that he needs to transition more and start taking testosterone.  That sent me into a tailspin.  That's the one stipulation I put on us having a relationship, since before we even got serious and all throughout our marriage.  It took me many years of self hatred and denial to finally get to a place where I can realize I'm totally gay.  I can find a guy handsome but once the clothes come off and the sweat and hair and smells and bits get involved... *barf*.  I just can't deal.  He says it's to "contour" his body.  Really?  So your reflection in the mirror is important enough to throw away our marriage and life together?  Wow.  He thinks I should just love him for his spirit.  Helloooo... What part of TOTALLY GAY do you not understand?  I'm not pansexual.  I'm not bisexual.  I'M GAY.  I know exactly what testosterone does to appearances and to behavior and I don't like either.  I'm not attracted to it at all.  Most of this discussion has gone on over text messaging, which is very bad, and last night at work it was like I could hear something snap inside me.  I couldn't stop crying for hours.  I feel like this is the beginning of the end.  We have had hundreds of discussion, even arguments about this, where I shared my fear that he would pull the "bait and switch" tactic on me and he has vowed he would never do that.  When I first met him he identified as a gay butch woman, female name.  Then after talking he said he'd prefer male pronouns and that I call him Shaun.  I paid for him to have his name legally changed.  It was actually my idea.  He said that's all he needed.  Later he would go on and on about how much he hated having boobs.  I surprised him with a consultation with my plastic surgeon.  I fully supported him with the top surgery thing.  A man's chest pecs never bothered me.  Okay fine.  He said that was truly the only thing he really hated about his body and would be great if he just got the boobs removed. All of a sudden, right when we are ready to go to sleep, he blurts out that he's thinking about taking testosterone.  What the ever loving fuck???  He's still acutally trying to say that he is non binary... but he wants to take hormones and he's not really a man since he'll still have a vagina.  Um... I'd love to hear him say that in a room full of transmen.  He says he's "growing" and I'm standing still.  I'm not growing.  My whole world is dissolving before my eyes.  I don't know what's real anymore.  He says I've never really known him.  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???!!!!  It took me nearly 24 hours to actually formulate a sentence.  I have felt exhausted and paralyzed.  I feel like there are tiny icicles all over inside of my body poking through my skin.  Like I can feel prickles on my scalp and my head hurts.  I worked SO FUCKING HARD to make sure I got someone honest and real and whose word meant soomething.  It actually took me years to be able to really trust him because my trust has been broken so much.  I have been broken so much.  I've always been very open and consistent.  I've never thrown him any life curve balls, that I had any control over.  I mean I had cancer.  I thought we were doing so great and now everything is bad and wrong???  I really just want to die right now.  I cannot take more pain in my life.  I cannot!!!  I also really have no sounding board anymore either.  I can feel myself cracking inside... like when a diver goes too deep and their face mask starts cracking under the pressure and you know, any moment, it's going to shatter and water is going to come rushing in.  I cannot handle this life.  Why can I not have stability?  Why can I not find someone who can be stable and trustworthy?  Somebody kill me please!!!!

Resigned

One silver lining with all the bullshit happening in 'Murica right now is it's a great way to push my personal growth. I'm getting a lot of practice in not getting too hooked into the fear frenzy. Mostly I just feel resigned to whatever. For me, it takes a tremendous amount of will for me to just let things go. I don't always but I'm MUCH better at it, to the point of not even typing stuff out that ends up being deleted. I also no longer pressure myself to get caught up on everyone's posts. I just scroll though for a minute and turn it off. It's a good thing.

Speaking of resigned, I found out that a close friend of mine has rectal cancer. Since he had no insurance, he waited 18 months after having problems to get it checked out. He's only gotten the biopsy done so he knows it's actually cancer but has no idea how bad it is since the doctor he was referred to doesn't do "self pay" and the one who does has a long waiting list. Based on everything he has told me and his appearance, he knows and we all know but don't say out loud, that he doesn't have long enough to be on a waiting list. In order for him to be on hospice, he has to have a referral from doctor about his prognosis. He's also not exactly "low income" so he's in quite a difficult spot. He's having to call doctors one by one, begging them to accept cash, just so he knows if he's a gonner or he needs treatment.  No one should have to deal with this shit on top of a cancer diagnosis.  The man has kids at home and a wife of 23 years who has her own difficult health problems.  Once we found out, we made a dinner date with them and brought all the fixins so they wouldn't have to worry about it.  He's compartmentalizing his emotions right now and focusing on getting everything in order so his family isn't left in a lurch.  His wife is struggling with her emotions (duh) and trying to wrap her mind around losing her soul mate and being left without a spouse.  We've offered to be emotional support, of course, but I'm not sure they will ask for it.  I'll have to just keep checking in to see how things are going.  It's just fucking heartbreaking though.  2016 is so fucking fired.  All the good guys are dying and the bad guys are running the fucking world.  It's such a joke.

I just finished the season finale of Westworld and made the parallel of the androids in the show and 99% of the rest of us who are trapped in our confined reality with our script that we repeat over and over, even when we try to get away from it, while the rich guys get to do whatever the fuck they want.  Of course the show gives hope to the trapped people because that's how fiction is needed to be portrayed so we can all hold on to that sliver of hope of escaping our confinement so we don't all go apeshit and rebel.