A lot has happened in the last several months and it wasn't
pleasant. Shaun and I hit a really rough patch, some individual stuff
and some that was changes in our relationship, imo, due to personality
changes induced by testosterone. He will have his own opinions about
this but I was feeling blown off, uncared for, unloved and like I was
just a burden to him. He was emotionally disconnected and cold,
suspicious of my every word and seemed to only see me in the most
negative light possible. From my stand point, he was turning into a
caricature of the worst kind of douchy "bro" I've ever witnessed in
person. Nothing I said seemed to penetrate. He was completely unaware
of himself and honestly had zero fucks to become aware. I guess that's
what "ignorance is bliss" means. If you are emotionally disconnected,
you couldn't care about anything even if you tried. You have to have
some kind of emotional connection to have access to things like empathy,
compassion and all the GOOD parts about humans. He started seeing his
own therapist for his reasons and I found a therapist that fit for my
needs. At first we went as a couple but I was getting frustrated
because he was not being honest in the sessions and sometimes treated it
like a joke. I went on my own because I needed someone in my corner.
He had that. Seriously, it was getting to the point that I wasn't sure
we'd have a marriage in the next few months. It got bad. I decided not
to blog about it as it was happening because of the people that would
be reading it, which includes Shaun.
Recently, due to
some personal health issues he's had, he has gotten back on a low dose
of estrogen, which may seem weird but all of us have all the hormones.
It's a matter of how much of which, which determines whether our bodies
express one gender variant over another. At the time he had NO estrogen
and it was causing him some problems. He attributes this small dose of
estrogen to his turn around in now actually becoming a kinder, gentler
and less dickish person. I don't know that that's really what caused
it, nor am I confident that this turn around is permanent but I'll take
it as long as I can get it and hope that it's a real change that is here
to stay. I saw some very similar behaviors reported by someone else
close to me whose husband was shooting up black market testosterone. I
think of it like a poison and yes, I see testosterone has something that
produces soulless, heartless assholes. It's all about the balance I
guess.
We've also made a few changes in our
relationship that could either make or break it but so far, it seems to
be a good thing. I got my own checking account for one. I have half my
paycheck deposited in the joint account for bills, have my car and
dental payments taken of my account and the rest I'm spending on my
gardening stuff. That way he's less controlling of my spending, which
was really pissing me off. Alternatively, I have given up the fight of
trying to get Shaun to be on his devices less. Nearly every waking hour
he has his face in a device. This is a fight we've had for years and
it goes nowhere. He's addicted to it completely. I'm doing my own
thing and no longer fighting him on it. If he wants to spend his life
diverted from actually living it, then so be it. It's his life. I know
he appreciates me being less controlling of him as well. The thing that
makes me most happy in life right now is my back yard. I just spent a
fortune getting it made over so I can start planting in it and making it
an oasis for myself, butterflies, bees and hummingbirds. Since it's
not quite planting season yet, I'm not doing much with it but I did buy a
few blueberry bushes that have to live in containers to survive here.
I'm SO EXCITED! I found pink lemonade blueberries! Yes that is a real
thing! I got a blue variety as well and some cloth planting bags to put
them in. I just ordered a small greenhouse to go on one small patio I
had made and a large expanding trellis for all the vine plants that will
be going in. My plan is to support butterflies from eggs to old age.
I've been doing research on what certain butterflies need to eat as
catepillars, as well as what the adults like. I've got butterfly houses
and will be doing puddling as well. I'm also planning on getting 1 or 2
bat houses. I have a bee house already on my big tree. I will have
several fruit trees but I haven't decided whether or not I'll be buying
them this Spring or waiting until the fall to do it. I know it's better
in the fall but I'm also impatient. I plan to get some thornless
blackberries and possibly strawberries. I've got a lot of things on the
list. I suspect it will take me at least a year or two to get the
garden mostly filled out due to the sheer expense of it but I'm finding
ways to make it as affordable as possible. I cannot WAIT to get a
passion flower vine. They are the COOLEST flowers! I have so many
lists in my mind and still trying to figure out what's going to go where
so I can get the best space going possible.
Things are
going well with Cady and I. We are cooling off a bit, which is good,
so we can actually get adulting things done that need to be done and we
aren't super clingy on each other all the time. I'm so happy to have
someone to do outdoorsy stuff with me too.
Shaun and I
just got back from a cruise to the Carribean and this time we got a
suite on the ship. I don't know if I can ever go back to a regular
room! Not only was the room AMAZING but the perks that came with it
were just off the chain. The treatment alone was like peasants vs.
royalty. Aside from me getting sick on day 2, we had a blast. Shaun
spent one night sleeping on our very large balcony and he said it was
one of the best nights sleep he's ever had. My favorite thing was
snorkeling in Grand Caymans. The water was such a gorgeous shade of
turquoise and the coral seemed healthy. There were thousands of
gorgeous colorful fish and groups of sting rays just gliding on through
like a flock of graceful birds. OMG SO AMAZING! I wish I could snorkel
there every day of my life. It was so peaceful and beautiful!
I
think the vacation was good for my relationship with Shaun. This was
the first time we ever did anything independent of one another and it
was good. Sometimes I hung out at the pool by myself or went to my
favorite martini bar by myself while Shaun went to the casino. We'd
meet back up whenever one was done with the other. It wasn't tense or
weird at all. It was good. I think, at least with this particular bump
in the relationship, we'll be okay.
We just found out
Shaun's bro is getting stationed in Germany this year and going to be
there for a while so I'm pushing for us to plan our next vacation
there. I'd love to see Germany and it would be a great way for them to
see each other. He may be there 4 years and that's a long time to go
without seeing family. We'll see what happens there.
I think that's all I've got to report for now, so until next time.
