Married to transguy, GF to transwoman... whaaaaaat

Okay so lots has happened in the last month.  My friend died and now we go spend time with his wife about once a week.  I assume the other peeps in our little group are also making sure she has company and it's cool that I got to make some new friends in all that.  Speaking of all that, at some point they are wanting to get a boat and scatter his ashes out in the ocean and it might end up being during the time I planned to go to Peru and speaking of Peru, I decided to postpone my trip.  My original reasons for wanting it are falling away one by one and then there are other factors that have been giving me a constant uneasy feeling about it for months.  I assume that I'll have one chance to go to Peru and do this and I don't want to squander it when my instincts are screaming at me that this is not flowing anymore.  Especially with me going there to do deep interpersonal work, it's crucial that I'm in the right headspace with the right peeps who are also in the right headspace.

In the meantime, C & I had done mushrooms together one night and while snuggling under a blanket together, we were just gliding our fingers over each others arms and hands.  It was sensory play and it was absolutely heavenly.  Un/Fortunately, it also broke something in me and I was super horny 24/7 after that.  Haha!  I eventually talked to C about it and S and asked S if C and I can kiss and he was so flippant about and was like "Whatevs, no big deal".  So yeah, we kissed and it was sweet and tender and gentle.  Oh it was amazing!  Shaun was helping me on the sex side of things and I figured out that for some reason I'm having a hard time having an orgasm and no idea why.  Could it be the antidepressants I'm on?  I'm on a low dose and it wasn't causing a problem like this before but I've also never been horny 24/7 so this is uncharted territory.

So since S said I could do "whatever" as long as I was honest about it, C & I took it to the next level and...omgexplosionsfuuuuuuck.....

So apparently I'm in a poly relationship now and I'm incredibly happy about it.  C & I fit together so amazingly... I mean just as friends we fit amazingly and with the sex stuff it's also pretty perfect.  We both love art and kitties and we just really get each other.  She has the biggest heart and weirdly I don't feel weighed down by baggage when I'm with her and that has NEVER happened in my adult life.  I feel like she's actually having a healing affect on my soul.  She brings out the best in me.  I can tell her absolutely anything and I trust her.  I TRUST her.  That is huge for me. My life is weird and I'm with someone that is an absolutely pure soul.  She also happens to be transgender so that's a whole different thing for me to navigate and not something I ever imagined navigating but for reals, the physical meat sack is the only male thing about her and her beautiful soul just makes all that irrelevant. Plus, lucky me, she has the softest skin.  LOVE.

It feels like fate had a hand in all this... The timing, our 3 personalities being exactly what they are and our compatibility together.  It just might work.  I mean chances are this will all blow up in a spectacular firework show but there's a small chance it might end up working out if we are careful and do things the right way and we have some luck and/or fate on our side.  Our attraction is so strong we can't not try.  So here we are trying to make this crazy thing work that absolutely shouldn't work and lots of people would be happy to badger us about how stupid it is.  But here we are anyway.  I'm keeping it on the DL right now until we can get some time behind us so we shall see what happens.  Until then, I'm enjoying having a relationship with no games, no paranoia, no holding back or following silly dating rules that someone made up about playing it cool or whatever.  We just talk about everything and are completely open and honest and it's amazing.  How has life not ruined her like it has the rest of us?  I just feel incredibly lucky to have her and incredibly grateful to S for agreeing to this.  I feel happier and lighter now.

The Hard Nut

My friend didn't last long on hospice.  Once he got out of the hospital and home, it was maybe a week or so before we got the call that he was actively dying and those who wanted to say good bye needed to come quickly.  I was thinking it would be a matter of hours so we just kind of dropped everything and drove over there as quickly as we could.  S called into work and I just happened to have that night off.  We ended up staying the whole night and became part of a core group of friends and family that would end up taking shifts, always a person by his side and always holding his hand, tagging each other out when someone needed a rest or a bathroom break.  We played Iron Maiden for hours, at his previous request.  One night we spent hours watching professional wrestling but it was mainly Japanese men.  I didn't even know they had their own.  That was possibly the most interactive I saw my friend. For about the first 5 or 10 minutes he seemed to watch it and was entertained.  Other than that there were just a few brief moments where he'd make eye contact or whisper a word.  He was in a lot of pain and could not tolerate being moved, which made things tricky because not moving can also cause pain and then at times he needed to be cleaned up.  That was very taxing on him and it was hard to see how much pain it would cause him.  Also he had a hard time with secretions and coughing was also very painful for him.  We had meds for it but really had to stay on top of it because it took a good 30 to 45 minutes to dry him up.  I went in on a Thursday night and he died early Sunday morning while I was at work.  From what I was told, the last breath was quick and that was it.  It was not too long after they had to clean him up and I think that took whatever energy he had left.  His wife, girlfriend and sister were with him.  It couldn't have been much more perfect really.  S and I went there the next morning after work and chatted a bit with the sister and another friend.  His wife and kids had fallen asleep by then and his body had been taken by the undertakers.  I'm grateful I got to be there those last days.  It was tiring but it was important to me to be there to honor our friendship.  Since then, our little core group has been working together to clean the house, do necessary repairs and give support to the wife and adult kids he left behind.  The plan is sometime in the next year to get a boat and scatter his ashes in the ocean.  I really hope I can make it to that.  I know we will make a concerted effort to do it.  It all leaves me in a quiet contemplative state and wanting to isolate a bit.  It's what I do.

There's really so much more I want to say... No.  There's so much more swirling inside my head but I'm going to leave it there.  I just don't feel like sharing more.  Maybe next time I'll feel like being more forth coming but for now, the hard shell goes back up.