Monday, December 26, 2016
Meltdown
A week ago I was content, happy and secure in my life and in my marriage. In the past several days, everything was turned upsidedown. Shaun has been battling some depression for the past month and an incident involving another person I love who turned into a mean drunk, was the last straw for him and sent him into a tailspin. Now he's decided that he needs to transition more and start taking testosterone. That sent me into a tailspin. That's the one stipulation I put on us having a relationship, since before we even got serious and all throughout our marriage. It took me many years of self hatred and denial to finally get to a place where I can realize I'm totally gay. I can find a guy handsome but once the clothes come off and the sweat and hair and smells and bits get involved... *barf*. I just can't deal. He says it's to "contour" his body. Really? So your reflection in the mirror is important enough to throw away our marriage and life together? Wow. He thinks I should just love him for his spirit. Helloooo... What part of TOTALLY GAY do you not understand? I'm not pansexual. I'm not bisexual. I'M GAY. I know exactly what testosterone does to appearances and to behavior and I don't like either. I'm not attracted to it at all. Most of this discussion has gone on over text messaging, which is very bad, and last night at work it was like I could hear something snap inside me. I couldn't stop crying for hours. I feel like this is the beginning of the end. We have had hundreds of discussion, even arguments about this, where I shared my fear that he would pull the "bait and switch" tactic on me and he has vowed he would never do that. When I first met him he identified as a gay butch woman, female name. Then after talking he said he'd prefer male pronouns and that I call him Shaun. I paid for him to have his name legally changed. It was actually my idea. He said that's all he needed. Later he would go on and on about how much he hated having boobs. I surprised him with a consultation with my plastic surgeon. I fully supported him with the top surgery thing. A man's chest pecs never bothered me. Okay fine. He said that was truly the only thing he really hated about his body and would be great if he just got the boobs removed. All of a sudden, right when we are ready to go to sleep, he blurts out that he's thinking about taking testosterone. What the ever loving fuck??? He's still acutally trying to say that he is non binary... but he wants to take hormones and he's not really a man since he'll still have a vagina. Um... I'd love to hear him say that in a room full of transmen. He says he's "growing" and I'm standing still. I'm not growing. My whole world is dissolving before my eyes. I don't know what's real anymore. He says I've never really known him. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???!!!! It took me nearly 24 hours to actually formulate a sentence. I have felt exhausted and paralyzed. I feel like there are tiny icicles all over inside of my body poking through my skin. Like I can feel prickles on my scalp and my head hurts. I worked SO FUCKING HARD to make sure I got someone honest and real and whose word meant soomething. It actually took me years to be able to really trust him because my trust has been broken so much. I have been broken so much. I've always been very open and consistent. I've never thrown him any life curve balls, that I had any control over. I mean I had cancer. I thought we were doing so great and now everything is bad and wrong??? I really just want to die right now. I cannot take more pain in my life. I cannot!!! I also really have no sounding board anymore either. I can feel myself cracking inside... like when a diver goes too deep and their face mask starts cracking under the pressure and you know, any moment, it's going to shatter and water is going to come rushing in. I cannot handle this life. Why can I not have stability? Why can I not find someone who can be stable and trustworthy? Somebody kill me please!!!!
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Resigned
One silver lining with all the bullshit happening in 'Murica right now is it's a great way to push my personal growth. I'm getting a lot of practice in not getting too hooked into the fear frenzy. Mostly I just feel resigned to whatever. For me, it takes a tremendous amount of will for me to just let things go. I don't always but I'm MUCH better at it, to the point of not even typing stuff out that ends up being deleted. I also no longer pressure myself to get caught up on everyone's posts. I just scroll though for a minute and turn it off. It's a good thing.
Speaking of resigned, I found out that a close friend of mine has rectal cancer. Since he had no insurance, he waited 18 months after having problems to get it checked out. He's only gotten the biopsy done so he knows it's actually cancer but has no idea how bad it is since the doctor he was referred to doesn't do "self pay" and the one who does has a long waiting list. Based on everything he has told me and his appearance, he knows and we all know but don't say out loud, that he doesn't have long enough to be on a waiting list. In order for him to be on hospice, he has to have a referral from doctor about his prognosis. He's also not exactly "low income" so he's in quite a difficult spot. He's having to call doctors one by one, begging them to accept cash, just so he knows if he's a gonner or he needs treatment. No one should have to deal with this shit on top of a cancer diagnosis. The man has kids at home and a wife of 23 years who has her own difficult health problems. Once we found out, we made a dinner date with them and brought all the fixins so they wouldn't have to worry about it. He's compartmentalizing his emotions right now and focusing on getting everything in order so his family isn't left in a lurch. His wife is struggling with her emotions (duh) and trying to wrap her mind around losing her soul mate and being left without a spouse. We've offered to be emotional support, of course, but I'm not sure they will ask for it. I'll have to just keep checking in to see how things are going. It's just fucking heartbreaking though. 2016 is so fucking fired. All the good guys are dying and the bad guys are running the fucking world. It's such a joke.
I just finished the season finale of Westworld and made the parallel of the androids in the show and 99% of the rest of us who are trapped in our confined reality with our script that we repeat over and over, even when we try to get away from it, while the rich guys get to do whatever the fuck they want. Of course the show gives hope to the trapped people because that's how fiction is needed to be portrayed so we can all hold on to that sliver of hope of escaping our confinement so we don't all go apeshit and rebel.
Speaking of resigned, I found out that a close friend of mine has rectal cancer. Since he had no insurance, he waited 18 months after having problems to get it checked out. He's only gotten the biopsy done so he knows it's actually cancer but has no idea how bad it is since the doctor he was referred to doesn't do "self pay" and the one who does has a long waiting list. Based on everything he has told me and his appearance, he knows and we all know but don't say out loud, that he doesn't have long enough to be on a waiting list. In order for him to be on hospice, he has to have a referral from doctor about his prognosis. He's also not exactly "low income" so he's in quite a difficult spot. He's having to call doctors one by one, begging them to accept cash, just so he knows if he's a gonner or he needs treatment. No one should have to deal with this shit on top of a cancer diagnosis. The man has kids at home and a wife of 23 years who has her own difficult health problems. Once we found out, we made a dinner date with them and brought all the fixins so they wouldn't have to worry about it. He's compartmentalizing his emotions right now and focusing on getting everything in order so his family isn't left in a lurch. His wife is struggling with her emotions (duh) and trying to wrap her mind around losing her soul mate and being left without a spouse. We've offered to be emotional support, of course, but I'm not sure they will ask for it. I'll have to just keep checking in to see how things are going. It's just fucking heartbreaking though. 2016 is so fucking fired. All the good guys are dying and the bad guys are running the fucking world. It's such a joke.
I just finished the season finale of Westworld and made the parallel of the androids in the show and 99% of the rest of us who are trapped in our confined reality with our script that we repeat over and over, even when we try to get away from it, while the rich guys get to do whatever the fuck they want. Of course the show gives hope to the trapped people because that's how fiction is needed to be portrayed so we can all hold on to that sliver of hope of escaping our confinement so we don't all go apeshit and rebel.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Trying to Deal
Well the election happened and much to the shock of the world, Trump has won. It has created a hell storm of craziness so here are my thoughts after the past couple of weeks...
I've been doing a lot of reflection lately, in order to combat anxiety and fear of the future. Fear is the mind killer. It offers nothing positive except to become more focused in a life or death situation. While many of us feel that we ARE in a life or death situation, most of us really aren't. I mean not right now. We fear that we will be in one in the next four years sometime, and we might, but I personally cannot deal with this level of anxiety for that long of a period of time and none of us were meant to. So how do we deal with what appears to be impending doom?
Well, first off, I'm stepping back and trying to view the incoming information with a more critical view. Since leaders are allowed to lie straight to our faces and get away with it and since journalism has completely turned into a reactionary tabloid in order to guide a herd of cattle from one side to another, I feel like nothing is really trustworthy anymore. I also feel like we really have no control over what is going on. If we peacefully assemble, we are brutalized and smeared. If we vote, our votes don't really count. It really comes down to the serenity prayer, which I think everyone knows, but mainly to focus on the part that says, "Accept the things I cannot change".
I am a spiritual being having a human experience. If I keep that in my mind then I cannot go wrong. No matter what happens, I'm having a human experience. I get that isn't helpful for some that don't believe in any afterlife at all but it helps me. Everyone has to figure out what helps them cope. I also think of the book "Conversations With God", which is rather unfortunately titled, but amazing and inspirational to read. In it, it talks about how the entire timeline already exists. Everything that has happened, is happening or will happen, has already happened. We just happen to be present at this dot on the timeline. If time travel was possible, we could jump to any spot and it would be "now" for us. Every time spot is "now" for someone. If I think about all of this as already having happened, then I just think about it as a sort of living history moment. I'm alive during a major event on the timeline and that in itself is terrifying but also intriguing and awe inspiring in its own way... Sort of like being part of a major surgery. Not that you'd wish it on the person on the table, but very interesting and amazing on a clinical level.
I'm seeing so much emotionally manipulative garbage everywhere right now. It's coming in from all sides. I keep screaming in my head, "They don't care! Why do you think they will suddenly care now when they haven't cared about the thousand horrible things before it?!!"
Just stop already! They don't care! We now live in a time where there are no more fucks to give. I think half the world is in a state of shock and reacting to the shock. I mean, I totally get it. It helps that I already lost faith in humans to do the right thing a long time ago. It means I had less of a distance to fall on my ass in shock like most everyone I know. It's human nature to feel hope because without hope we would be totally lost. When hope fades, people freak out. There's nothing more dangerous than a person who has nothing left to lose. When I watched the first Hunger Games movie, President Snow talked about hope and I've never forgotten what he said because it made so much make sense in this world... The way things are run and the way they turn out.
President Snow: Seneca... why do you think we have a winner?
Seneca Crane: [frowns] What do you mean?
President Snow: I mean, why do we have a winner? I mean, if we just wanted to intimidate the districts, why not round up twenty-four of them at random and execute them all at once? Be a lot faster.
[Seneca just stares, confused]
President Snow: Hope.
Seneca Crane: Hope?
President Snow: Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it's contained.
As long as the Powers That Be, toss a few crumbs from the table, the people will have hope that things will get better... That they will move forward. They need us to believe that in order to maintain control. They also know they need to leave the people wanting because it's also human nature to always want more, no matter what we have. If we get what we want, we will want more. So we get crumbs and sometimes a bite of meat, but it will never likely be enough for us, just like the power and the money will never be enough for them.
I've been doing a lot of reflection lately, in order to combat anxiety and fear of the future. Fear is the mind killer. It offers nothing positive except to become more focused in a life or death situation. While many of us feel that we ARE in a life or death situation, most of us really aren't. I mean not right now. We fear that we will be in one in the next four years sometime, and we might, but I personally cannot deal with this level of anxiety for that long of a period of time and none of us were meant to. So how do we deal with what appears to be impending doom?
Well, first off, I'm stepping back and trying to view the incoming information with a more critical view. Since leaders are allowed to lie straight to our faces and get away with it and since journalism has completely turned into a reactionary tabloid in order to guide a herd of cattle from one side to another, I feel like nothing is really trustworthy anymore. I also feel like we really have no control over what is going on. If we peacefully assemble, we are brutalized and smeared. If we vote, our votes don't really count. It really comes down to the serenity prayer, which I think everyone knows, but mainly to focus on the part that says, "Accept the things I cannot change".
I am a spiritual being having a human experience. If I keep that in my mind then I cannot go wrong. No matter what happens, I'm having a human experience. I get that isn't helpful for some that don't believe in any afterlife at all but it helps me. Everyone has to figure out what helps them cope. I also think of the book "Conversations With God", which is rather unfortunately titled, but amazing and inspirational to read. In it, it talks about how the entire timeline already exists. Everything that has happened, is happening or will happen, has already happened. We just happen to be present at this dot on the timeline. If time travel was possible, we could jump to any spot and it would be "now" for us. Every time spot is "now" for someone. If I think about all of this as already having happened, then I just think about it as a sort of living history moment. I'm alive during a major event on the timeline and that in itself is terrifying but also intriguing and awe inspiring in its own way... Sort of like being part of a major surgery. Not that you'd wish it on the person on the table, but very interesting and amazing on a clinical level.
I'm seeing so much emotionally manipulative garbage everywhere right now. It's coming in from all sides. I keep screaming in my head, "They don't care! Why do you think they will suddenly care now when they haven't cared about the thousand horrible things before it?!!"
Just stop already! They don't care! We now live in a time where there are no more fucks to give. I think half the world is in a state of shock and reacting to the shock. I mean, I totally get it. It helps that I already lost faith in humans to do the right thing a long time ago. It means I had less of a distance to fall on my ass in shock like most everyone I know. It's human nature to feel hope because without hope we would be totally lost. When hope fades, people freak out. There's nothing more dangerous than a person who has nothing left to lose. When I watched the first Hunger Games movie, President Snow talked about hope and I've never forgotten what he said because it made so much make sense in this world... The way things are run and the way they turn out.
President Snow: Seneca... why do you think we have a winner?
Seneca Crane: [frowns] What do you mean?
President Snow: I mean, why do we have a winner? I mean, if we just wanted to intimidate the districts, why not round up twenty-four of them at random and execute them all at once? Be a lot faster.
[Seneca just stares, confused]
President Snow: Hope.
Seneca Crane: Hope?
President Snow: Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous. A spark is fine, as long as it's contained.
As long as the Powers That Be, toss a few crumbs from the table, the people will have hope that things will get better... That they will move forward. They need us to believe that in order to maintain control. They also know they need to leave the people wanting because it's also human nature to always want more, no matter what we have. If we get what we want, we will want more. So we get crumbs and sometimes a bite of meat, but it will never likely be enough for us, just like the power and the money will never be enough for them.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Dark Musings
A few days ago I had a nightmare. Most of it is gone but one scene remains with me. I'm walking through a dimly lit forest and I come upon various wild animals with serious injuries. These injuries were all done by humans. I remember a raccoon with no skin on one of its legs. Then I came upon 2 teenage kids that were kicking 2 polar bear cubs in the guts, over and over. Though the cubs were upright, I knew they were already dead from being beaten and kicked to death. I also knew that there was no reason for any of it. Just humans being humans, destroying everything beautiful in the world. This is the general state of the world in my brain. I watch helplessly as my own species burns the world down and I have to come up with some way to endure this for several more decades without going stark raving mad. Then comes the question in my mind... Should I remain totally aware of the horror or medicate myself into artificially induced inner peace? Insanity and authenticity on one hand, fake plastic happiness on the other. Decisions, decisions.
This unfortunate state of mind has me going deeper and deeper into my cave of isolation, which is also depressing as hell. I mean, I'm isolated because of my work schedule... every weekend night shift for a year now. I am practically anxious for the other night nurse to die so I can take his shifts. He's a very nice guy and I hold nothing against him but I do have small resentments that he won't share weekends with me since he has already told me he has no social life to speak of and just sits home all the time. Well dude, YOU work the fucking weekend then! His doctor ordered him to stop working 5 nights a week due to his health. It must seem terrible that I just see it as one domino knocked over in the quest for being able to work week days. Neither of us want to give up the case because it's so awesome. If he dies, I'll be super sad. I'll cry at his funeral... And then I'll demand his shifts. Damn... another question to answer... How soon will be too soon to make my demands? Better not do it before he croaks but how soon after is acceptable? Dear Abby....
While I'm on my morbid kick, I noticed an article floating through FB where Colorado is the next state discussing the right to die. I wanted to ask if they thought it would ever be acceptable for 2 people to make that choice together because they never wanted to be without the other. I decided not to post it since it was public and that might be upset delicate sensibilities. I'm not making any plans here... Just curious about what the future will be like.
A week, or so, ago, I had a little brain excursion with a family member and her spouse. It was great in a way because we were all chemically altered and talking through a lot of deep stuff. I was hesitant to use it as it would "open up all empathy" and honestly, I don't really need help in that department. That part made it alarming to me. The only thing that pulled me in was that there was also a happy and calm aspect to it. Yes, I can use more of that, thank you very much. So one thing that I got from it was that I need to lower my expectation of humans and their intelligence. This might seem strange coming from me because I expect the worst, but I'm also disappointed constantly, which suggests that deep down I expect better than I say I do. Expectations lead to disappointment. I also got to know my family member and her spouse better, which is amazing, because they live very far away and my family member is one of the few that really gets me. I mean REALLY gets me. We also have a hard time finding others who get us. I wondered to myself, if either of us would live to old age. I got a strong sense of mortality from both of us. We have horrid DNA and generations of abuse, rage, depression... Just overall our family tree is horrible in relationships of every kind. We are incredibly messed up and it's a wonder we have even survived this far. I felt like I needed to cherish every moment I can get with her and her husband because I don't know how long I have left... whether it be my mortality or hers or both of us. It all just feels very temporary.
She and my mother can't stand each other. We did talk a bit about our moms, who feud with each other, but, for some reason, still want to hang out, and the need from both of us to defend our moms to each other. I honestly don't know her mom that well but never had a good impression and she is the same about my mom. I know my mom better than she does, which makes me more forgiving of my mom's flaws, and I believe she is the same way with hers. Normally we have a rule not to discuss our moms with each other but that night we did a bit and there were no hard feelings... It was mostly just filling in the blanks of things we never talk about because I only ever hear my mom's side and she only ever hears her mom's side. I also know this family member way more than my mom does, so I understand her. Both of them think the other are horrible, worthless human beings. I defend them to each other. It really comes down to communication styles. I have to baby my mom a lot so she doesn't get hurt but I also know that she really does feel that hurt deeply. I don't want to hurt her so I go easy on her most of the time. My other family member is blunt like me and doesn't want to go gentle on her because she doesn't believe my mom deserves it easier. My mom refuses to get aggressive with anyone because it goes against her nature and her internalized rule book. So on and on it goes... round and round and round. They don't speak to each other because each refuses to speak in a way the other will hear it. Such is life. I love them both.
I'm so very tired in my soul... So so so tired. I don't want to be a human anymore. I don't want to be on this planet anymore.
This unfortunate state of mind has me going deeper and deeper into my cave of isolation, which is also depressing as hell. I mean, I'm isolated because of my work schedule... every weekend night shift for a year now. I am practically anxious for the other night nurse to die so I can take his shifts. He's a very nice guy and I hold nothing against him but I do have small resentments that he won't share weekends with me since he has already told me he has no social life to speak of and just sits home all the time. Well dude, YOU work the fucking weekend then! His doctor ordered him to stop working 5 nights a week due to his health. It must seem terrible that I just see it as one domino knocked over in the quest for being able to work week days. Neither of us want to give up the case because it's so awesome. If he dies, I'll be super sad. I'll cry at his funeral... And then I'll demand his shifts. Damn... another question to answer... How soon will be too soon to make my demands? Better not do it before he croaks but how soon after is acceptable? Dear Abby....
While I'm on my morbid kick, I noticed an article floating through FB where Colorado is the next state discussing the right to die. I wanted to ask if they thought it would ever be acceptable for 2 people to make that choice together because they never wanted to be without the other. I decided not to post it since it was public and that might be upset delicate sensibilities. I'm not making any plans here... Just curious about what the future will be like.
A week, or so, ago, I had a little brain excursion with a family member and her spouse. It was great in a way because we were all chemically altered and talking through a lot of deep stuff. I was hesitant to use it as it would "open up all empathy" and honestly, I don't really need help in that department. That part made it alarming to me. The only thing that pulled me in was that there was also a happy and calm aspect to it. Yes, I can use more of that, thank you very much. So one thing that I got from it was that I need to lower my expectation of humans and their intelligence. This might seem strange coming from me because I expect the worst, but I'm also disappointed constantly, which suggests that deep down I expect better than I say I do. Expectations lead to disappointment. I also got to know my family member and her spouse better, which is amazing, because they live very far away and my family member is one of the few that really gets me. I mean REALLY gets me. We also have a hard time finding others who get us. I wondered to myself, if either of us would live to old age. I got a strong sense of mortality from both of us. We have horrid DNA and generations of abuse, rage, depression... Just overall our family tree is horrible in relationships of every kind. We are incredibly messed up and it's a wonder we have even survived this far. I felt like I needed to cherish every moment I can get with her and her husband because I don't know how long I have left... whether it be my mortality or hers or both of us. It all just feels very temporary.
She and my mother can't stand each other. We did talk a bit about our moms, who feud with each other, but, for some reason, still want to hang out, and the need from both of us to defend our moms to each other. I honestly don't know her mom that well but never had a good impression and she is the same about my mom. I know my mom better than she does, which makes me more forgiving of my mom's flaws, and I believe she is the same way with hers. Normally we have a rule not to discuss our moms with each other but that night we did a bit and there were no hard feelings... It was mostly just filling in the blanks of things we never talk about because I only ever hear my mom's side and she only ever hears her mom's side. I also know this family member way more than my mom does, so I understand her. Both of them think the other are horrible, worthless human beings. I defend them to each other. It really comes down to communication styles. I have to baby my mom a lot so she doesn't get hurt but I also know that she really does feel that hurt deeply. I don't want to hurt her so I go easy on her most of the time. My other family member is blunt like me and doesn't want to go gentle on her because she doesn't believe my mom deserves it easier. My mom refuses to get aggressive with anyone because it goes against her nature and her internalized rule book. So on and on it goes... round and round and round. They don't speak to each other because each refuses to speak in a way the other will hear it. Such is life. I love them both.
I'm so very tired in my soul... So so so tired. I don't want to be a human anymore. I don't want to be on this planet anymore.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Write the change
The other day I read an article about a scientist who says the human race has, at most, 100 years left. I actually had a little *squee* burst forth from within. We are definitely in a shitstorm on this planet. Since Orlando, hardly a day has gone by without a mass shooting happening somewhere in the world... a mass shooter, bomber or whatever. It's strange to me how, almost never, is the perpetrator apprehended. Almost always they die from suicide or by being shot by police. Is it weird for me to think that's weird? I saw a documentary some months ago where an experiment was done to see if it was possible to use hypnosis to create a mercenary and it worked. They took a focus group of people and tried various tests and hypnosis on them, narrowing the group down until they were left with a few people. All but one backed out at the end. In the end, there was a situation where a "diplomat" would make an appearance and a hypnotic suggestion would be given. Then the hypnotized person would be given a particular suggestion in which they would carry out a list of orders, which included killing the diplomat. They were not told it was staged and believed the weapons given to them were very real. It had everything to make it seem real, down to the blood bags. One individual carried out the orders and didn't bat an eyelash after killing the diplomat. He also didn't remember doing it afterwards.
I often think about that when these mass shootings happen. It seems to be the same type of person that does it... History of spousal abuse and belligerence. General unhappiness and problems with their temper but never murdered anyone before. Then one day they just start picking off total strangers, one by one and finally off themselves. They have no known ties to any terrorists, groups or anyone dangerous on a watch list but will be tied to them anyway, keeping the cycle of violence, fear and control going.
So... I've been pondering over a story for months now. At first it started as a nod to the transgender community. Then it morphed into "What would I do if I had superpowers?" or "How would I handle this if I were a god?" I have a theory... If you have no control over a situation but you know just how you wish it would go, then write a story about it happening just exactly as you want it to. I can wipe out the entire human species that way, yet no one suffers. Since then, my story morphed into a book and it's already a series of 5 or 6 books. I haven't even started. I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed but I feel very inspired. The story in my head is very layered and complex. Not like George RR Martin kind of complex. I mean, hopefully I won't need an extra booklet just to keep the characters straight in my head, or the map of their world. I just wanted to create my own explanation of what's going on in the world, in a way that also takes me from it.
I ran the gist of it through a writer friend and she loves it. She can't wait to start reading it. I hope I don't disappoint.
I often think about that when these mass shootings happen. It seems to be the same type of person that does it... History of spousal abuse and belligerence. General unhappiness and problems with their temper but never murdered anyone before. Then one day they just start picking off total strangers, one by one and finally off themselves. They have no known ties to any terrorists, groups or anyone dangerous on a watch list but will be tied to them anyway, keeping the cycle of violence, fear and control going.
So... I've been pondering over a story for months now. At first it started as a nod to the transgender community. Then it morphed into "What would I do if I had superpowers?" or "How would I handle this if I were a god?" I have a theory... If you have no control over a situation but you know just how you wish it would go, then write a story about it happening just exactly as you want it to. I can wipe out the entire human species that way, yet no one suffers. Since then, my story morphed into a book and it's already a series of 5 or 6 books. I haven't even started. I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed but I feel very inspired. The story in my head is very layered and complex. Not like George RR Martin kind of complex. I mean, hopefully I won't need an extra booklet just to keep the characters straight in my head, or the map of their world. I just wanted to create my own explanation of what's going on in the world, in a way that also takes me from it.
I ran the gist of it through a writer friend and she loves it. She can't wait to start reading it. I hope I don't disappoint.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Culpability
A few days ago a man gunned down 49 people in gay bar in Orlando. He got the trophy of the worst mass shooting in the US. Most of the conservative media has refused to acknowledge that it was gay people who were killed at a gay club. They want to turn it into a platform to hate on the Muslims. There are actually Christian churches who are trying to play the victim here... that they and "America" are being victimized by the Muslim outsiders. First off, the dude was American. Secondly, don't you fucking DARE use the dead bodies of our dead gay brothers and sisters as a platform for the hate you are also responsible for creating!!!! I am so livid!
The true colors of my family are emerging. They are now offended that I dare to point a finger at their beloved religion. *gasp*
I found this FB post that sums up my feelings SO perfectly and I want to make it immortal so I'm capturing it in here:
"Fuck. Your thoughts. And Prayers. We don't need them. I don't want them.
The true colors of my family are emerging. They are now offended that I dare to point a finger at their beloved religion. *gasp*
I found this FB post that sums up my feelings SO perfectly and I want to make it immortal so I'm capturing it in here:
"Fuck. Your thoughts. And Prayers. We don't need them. I don't want them.
You can't elevate people like Kim Davis, Ted Cruz, Huckabee and Trump and then as a country turn around and pretend that it's Islam that caused this.
We have been beaten to death with fists and boots and bottles and bats and lead pipes. We have been shot and stabbed and mutilated. We have been raped to death and we have been raped as punishment. We have been trapped and burned alive, families too ashamed to claim our corpses, churches refusing us burial. We have been strangled and stuffed under motel mattresses. We have been hung from barbed wire fences and left, alone, to die slowly.
America you have done all of this to us while calling *us* the predators, accusing *us* of perversion. You have stripped us of honor and titles even after we fought and died for you. You have called our bodies and our families unnatural and legislated against their safety. America, your politicians have fractured our bones under the heels of their shoes and their footprints have tracked our blood all the way to the airport bathrooms and clandestine hotel rooms where they seek pleasurable release from us.
How dare you, America, use our suffering and our corpses as a shield to attack 1.6 billion people. How dare you pretend that suddenly, just today, you care for our safety while you do nothing about the reckless greed of gun manufacturers, do nothing about the people in power who mock us and encourage fear of us.
How dare you, America, try to co-opt the fear that I live with every day of my life - every threat, every attack, every slur that has been screamed at me, every bit of rage hurled at me by men who wanted my number in a gay bar or men who cornered me to demand to know how my girlfriends taste, every bit of shame from the pulpit on Sundays, every time I had to hear as dobson said my queerness should be beaten out of me, every time I gripped my son's hand a little tighter to walk past the protesters outside of Pride. How dare you try to take this fear that *you* have instilled in me and redirect it towards YOUR war.
America, you have been at war with me since before I was even born. I am not your cannon fodder. You are not actually angry on my behalf and you do not get to twist my anguish to fuel yet more hatred and yet more death.
So take your thoughts and your prayers and turn them inward. They won't help me, but maybe they'll help you realize that we've been dying all this time and you never cared before."
My aunt has deleted and blocked me. My mother isn't currently speaking to me. She is playing the victim card like the sun and moon revolve around her over sensitive ass. Sorry Mom. I let you play that card every day if you want but not this time. You don't get to claim this one. If only you defended the queer folks with half the fervor you defend your religion, who is also complicit in the culture of hate in this country, it wouldn't be a problem. If only you would have discussed this with ME, instead of showing your ass in public and when you didn't get your way, deleted all your comments so I looked like a raving lunatic talking to myself. Thanks Mom! You're a peach! Once you told me that your church didn't accept gay people and I asked you how you reconciled this... being in an anti-gay church while being supportive to your gay daughter and her partner. You said you couldn't so you just ignored it. Ignoring the hatred is as bad as the hating. If you don't take a stand against toxicity, you are also responsible for it. You have a voice of privilege. Fucking USE it! Sometimes it just amazes me I came out of you. Your mind is weak. You are self hating. I pity you. I love you but I pity you.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Social Paradigms and "PC"
Here's another subject that I've been mulling over in my mind for quite a while now. It's taken me a while to figure out why "PC" has become such frowned upon thing. Well it didn't used to be called PC. It used to be called treating other humans beings with respect. Then it got changed to PC when people got sick of being nice to others. So I kind of view this from 2 directions, depending on my mood. One is from my bitter jaded side that has the view that it's no longer in fashion to throw minority or disadvantaged groups of people under the bus, make them the butt of every joke, perpetuate negative stereotypes as if it's normal acceptable conversation or use words to describe a minority as a slang insult. People who have privilege have always done this with abandon in the past but now the minority groups are sick of it and taking their fun away. Seriously. Watch some oldie but goodie movies like Porky's, Revenge of the Nerds, Police Academy, Airplane, 16 Candles.... etc. It's kind of shocking what used to pass as funny. Most of it just isn't even funny. Some of it is disturbing like the rape culture stuff. Anyway, the other, more soft and forgiving side of me sees it has a rapid social dynamic change. Some people like change. Some people have a hard time with change. It seems the main people that have a hard time with change are the people who had the rules and social "norm" going in their favor in the first place. They never got the ass end of the deal so now they are upset that something is being fixed they weren't aware was ever broken. Some people have gotten really upset at the rapid rate of change and believe that we should require decades or centuries for changes to gradually happen. Well I guess that works great for those who are in a position of privilege and don't have to endure abuse generation after generation, waiting for significant change to happen in their favor.
So, I get that "PC" is pissing a lot of people off. Partly that is because that's the way media and politics is herding them. It tells them what to think and feel and most people are easy to herd. It used to be the cool thing to start taking into account how normal social interactions actually harm others. Now it's cool to say what's on your mind and if anyone is harmed then it's just because they were being oversensitive and weak so they need to sit down. Freedom of speech... 'Murica, etc.
I even hear this from normally very caring and good hearted individuals and that's what really made me want to kind of analyze this to death. I wanted to be able to wrap my mind around how being nice became undesirable. Aside from constant messages all around us that we should keep fighting with each other and be divided, that we should always be distracted from the real criminals, there's one really big thing that never gets mentioned. There's a social norm that has been with us a really long time. More and more people are becoming aware of how our social norms are very subtly chipping away at minorities, at poor people, at women, even men. It's a constant thing I see everywhere I see that people are completely unaware of how they speak and blow it off like it's nothing. It's far from nothing. It's self programming and affirmation that is often self hating, self depreciating and divisive in ways that could topple any empire if there was more consciousness and rebellion against this constant brain washing. It's in our very DNA. Hard wired into us. This doesn't make us helpless against it but it will take constant self monitoring to change wiring. Changing these subtle things, over time, will change a social paradigm that could literally change the world as we know it but first, we have to take personal responsibility and change these small things inside of ALL of us, no matter how exhausting or annoying it seems. Otherwise, all we are doing is remaining an easily led herd of cattle that remains helpless and hopeless against those who control everything else in our lives.
Here are but a few phrases and words that are destructive, both in a direct and subconscious manner. Take it seriously and give each other permission to say something when you slip up. If there is to be any hope at all for humanity, we must change how we behave and speak about each other.
First, women, stop self hating! When you make statements about all women being catty or bitches, you are also including yourself, since you are also a woman! Don't buy into this crap that women are weak, petty, manipulative, over emotional, etc. These are destructive sexist phrases that keep us slowly cannibalizing ourselves and make the world a more hostile place to live in:
*Don't be such a pussy
*That's so gay
*You must have a small dick
*You're a whore/slut/bitch
*He screamed like a little bitch/girl
Any kind of slut shaming, talking about women's appearances in order to insult, talking about their sex lives in order to shame, any kind of shaming really. Shaming belongs in churches. That's how they control people and also why I don't go into churches. Don't shame.
Speaking of sexist shaming, boobs and pecs are the same. Everyone has nipples unless they had them surgically removed. Some feed. Some don't. Some are large. Some are small. NONE of those things are even gender based except the feeding thing. Stop breast shaming women. It's brain washing to separate men's chests from women's chests. Stop perpetuating gender stereotypes. Let humans be humans. If a person is sad, let them grieve. Let them cry. If a person is angry, let them speak with passion. If a person wants to wear a skirt, pants, short hair, long hair, no hair... LET THEM without judgement. It's not your business or concern. Gender and sexual expression is a huge gray area. Nothing is black or white. Not even crayons. One reflects all color and the other absorbs all color. Our brains interpret and filter information and relay back to us what it thinks fits best. That does not really equal reality. "Reality" is subjective to each individual. That means what you feel is absolute truth may be the absolute opposite with equal passion and conviction to another person.
Understand that not understanding something is OKAY. It doesn't mean you are defective and it doesn't mean the thing you don't understand is defective or doesn't exist. Not everything has been discovered. Not everything has been studied and not everything has a way to be studied with our current stage in evolution and technology. Not being able to measure or understand is only a statement about the tools or the person trying to understand. It does not negate what IS.
When something exists that you don't like, there is really not choice to "not believe" in it. It exists or it does not. Not wanting it to exist does not negate its existence. You can say "I don't believe in being gay", yet it exists whether you believe in it or not, whether you want it or not. You will never be able to exterminate that which you do not like.
Let go of the need for boxes and categories. Just let things be what they are without need to give it rigid rules of what it can like or not like. I get that must seem weird reading this but if your true self is to be racist or sexist or really mean... uhhh knock yourself out I guess. I don't really think that's anyone's true aspiration but you know, you do you.
If you don't like being "PC", then stop thinking of it as "PC" and start thinking of it as being a more emotionally intelligent and thoughtful person. Educate yourself about others, not for the purpose of being able to empathize, since that's hard to do if you aren't boxed into that group label, but for the purpose to seeing things from another point of view. You don't have to self hate or walk on eggshells. You don't have to own other people's feelings. If you want your children or grandchildren to have any kind of a peaceful existence though, you need to start making changes in the way you think and speak and relate to others and teach your kids the same so a new paradigm can be born and peace can be possible. It's already happening. Just go watch those old favorite movies. It's an eye opener.
So, I get that "PC" is pissing a lot of people off. Partly that is because that's the way media and politics is herding them. It tells them what to think and feel and most people are easy to herd. It used to be the cool thing to start taking into account how normal social interactions actually harm others. Now it's cool to say what's on your mind and if anyone is harmed then it's just because they were being oversensitive and weak so they need to sit down. Freedom of speech... 'Murica, etc.
I even hear this from normally very caring and good hearted individuals and that's what really made me want to kind of analyze this to death. I wanted to be able to wrap my mind around how being nice became undesirable. Aside from constant messages all around us that we should keep fighting with each other and be divided, that we should always be distracted from the real criminals, there's one really big thing that never gets mentioned. There's a social norm that has been with us a really long time. More and more people are becoming aware of how our social norms are very subtly chipping away at minorities, at poor people, at women, even men. It's a constant thing I see everywhere I see that people are completely unaware of how they speak and blow it off like it's nothing. It's far from nothing. It's self programming and affirmation that is often self hating, self depreciating and divisive in ways that could topple any empire if there was more consciousness and rebellion against this constant brain washing. It's in our very DNA. Hard wired into us. This doesn't make us helpless against it but it will take constant self monitoring to change wiring. Changing these subtle things, over time, will change a social paradigm that could literally change the world as we know it but first, we have to take personal responsibility and change these small things inside of ALL of us, no matter how exhausting or annoying it seems. Otherwise, all we are doing is remaining an easily led herd of cattle that remains helpless and hopeless against those who control everything else in our lives.
Here are but a few phrases and words that are destructive, both in a direct and subconscious manner. Take it seriously and give each other permission to say something when you slip up. If there is to be any hope at all for humanity, we must change how we behave and speak about each other.
First, women, stop self hating! When you make statements about all women being catty or bitches, you are also including yourself, since you are also a woman! Don't buy into this crap that women are weak, petty, manipulative, over emotional, etc. These are destructive sexist phrases that keep us slowly cannibalizing ourselves and make the world a more hostile place to live in:
*Don't be such a pussy
*That's so gay
*You must have a small dick
*You're a whore/slut/bitch
*He screamed like a little bitch/girl
Any kind of slut shaming, talking about women's appearances in order to insult, talking about their sex lives in order to shame, any kind of shaming really. Shaming belongs in churches. That's how they control people and also why I don't go into churches. Don't shame.
Speaking of sexist shaming, boobs and pecs are the same. Everyone has nipples unless they had them surgically removed. Some feed. Some don't. Some are large. Some are small. NONE of those things are even gender based except the feeding thing. Stop breast shaming women. It's brain washing to separate men's chests from women's chests. Stop perpetuating gender stereotypes. Let humans be humans. If a person is sad, let them grieve. Let them cry. If a person is angry, let them speak with passion. If a person wants to wear a skirt, pants, short hair, long hair, no hair... LET THEM without judgement. It's not your business or concern. Gender and sexual expression is a huge gray area. Nothing is black or white. Not even crayons. One reflects all color and the other absorbs all color. Our brains interpret and filter information and relay back to us what it thinks fits best. That does not really equal reality. "Reality" is subjective to each individual. That means what you feel is absolute truth may be the absolute opposite with equal passion and conviction to another person.
Understand that not understanding something is OKAY. It doesn't mean you are defective and it doesn't mean the thing you don't understand is defective or doesn't exist. Not everything has been discovered. Not everything has been studied and not everything has a way to be studied with our current stage in evolution and technology. Not being able to measure or understand is only a statement about the tools or the person trying to understand. It does not negate what IS.
When something exists that you don't like, there is really not choice to "not believe" in it. It exists or it does not. Not wanting it to exist does not negate its existence. You can say "I don't believe in being gay", yet it exists whether you believe in it or not, whether you want it or not. You will never be able to exterminate that which you do not like.
Let go of the need for boxes and categories. Just let things be what they are without need to give it rigid rules of what it can like or not like. I get that must seem weird reading this but if your true self is to be racist or sexist or really mean... uhhh knock yourself out I guess. I don't really think that's anyone's true aspiration but you know, you do you.
If you don't like being "PC", then stop thinking of it as "PC" and start thinking of it as being a more emotionally intelligent and thoughtful person. Educate yourself about others, not for the purpose of being able to empathize, since that's hard to do if you aren't boxed into that group label, but for the purpose to seeing things from another point of view. You don't have to self hate or walk on eggshells. You don't have to own other people's feelings. If you want your children or grandchildren to have any kind of a peaceful existence though, you need to start making changes in the way you think and speak and relate to others and teach your kids the same so a new paradigm can be born and peace can be possible. It's already happening. Just go watch those old favorite movies. It's an eye opener.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Transitions and transissues....
A few weeks ago, Shaun was able to get top surgery. After 20ish years of fretting over puberty, those sad squished down boobs are in the past. Fighting with the insurance company was a real bitch. As of January, the new insurance policies came out and outright stated that they cover all transgender surgeries, yet when we submitted the paperwork, it was denied, saying they do not cover mastectomies except in cases of breast cancer. WRONG. When he called them, the lady he talked to said it appeared they didn't even read it but even with it being their mistake, we had to go through an appeals process and re-submit the paperwork. It was denied again, on the grounds that they do not cover it. We got the plastic surgeon to do a peer to peer with the insurance company doctor. Again he was told that they do not cover it and that we must be mistaken. Shaun had to take a screen shot of the policy that states that YES they do cover it and even lists exactly which procedures, including mastectomy. I think the plastic surgeon thought we were delusional until he saw that. Then it was on. His insurance gal took over and she fought like hell with them for months. It went all the way to the top and even past the date of the surgery. They were afraid the insurance company would not cover it. Oh hell yes, they would, even if we had to sue the shit out of them to get it covered. If you don't want to cover something, don't list it as something you cover! Quite simple! The main worry was that the hospital would not authorize the procedure without the go ahead from the insurance company but they did. We just had to sign an agreement saying we'd pay it if the insurance company didn't. They milked every minute out of it they could. I don't know what they possibly had to gain from stalling like that but they weren't going to win. They had a deadline in which they *had* to have it all resolved, which happened around a week after the surgery took place. It was down to the last 2 hours and that was when they started asking for proof that Shaun was really transgender. REALLY??? NOW??? From the beginning, they said over and over that they needed no proof, even though we were totally prepared to provide it. They ended up having a special committee just for this particular benefit and at that last minute, when they could no longer deny that they cover it, they just tried to go after the money part. The plastic surgeon wasn't on their list so they were only going to pay half. No bitches. Try again. We submitted a gap waiver already because they had no doctor on their list that could do the procedure. Eventually, in the last hour, they finally conceded and agreed to authorize the whole thing. Well thanks for doing your actual jobs finally. Bastards. The poor insurance lady was in tears with relief when it was all over. She was such a trooper. We brought them a box of cookies as a thank you for being so awesome.
The surgery went well, however, it hasn't been totally smooth sailing. Shaun has a very low pain tolerance and that translates to a tremendous amount of whining. LOL... No really. Like constant. I think he's finally gearing down on that. Hey I get that there's pain but vocalizing and focusing on every minute sensation isn't helpful in any way and it's torture for everyone else too. I've been through this and so much more so I feel like I can have a say in this matter, plus, I admit that I'm a little judgy about excessive whining when a perfectly healthy person chooses to undergo a cosmetic surgery. Suck it up buttercup. I know I'm a bitch like that. I'm okay with it. There haven't been any dangerous side effects but there has been a bit of fluid trapped and it makes a sloshing sound. It's pretty common in these circumstances and usually resolves on its own, being reabsorbed into the body. Sometimes it can turn into a seroma though and has to be manually sucked out with a syringe. That does suck. I'm not going to lie. So far, it looks like he may escape that part but we'll find out tomorrow.
So on to related matters. It just so happened that the timing of Shaun having his breasts removed coincided with the nation-wide frenzy over trans people in bathrooms. It's a fucking witch hunt right now and I'm somewhere between insanely afraid for Shaun's safety and in a murderous rage over the dangerous stupidity that surrounds me. Suddenly trans people are a danger to small children. I've decided to include a Q&A here, which won't get read, but it will make me feel better to get it off my chest.
QUESTION; I'm not against people being trans but if a law allows them to go into the restroom they identify with, what's to stop a man in a dress from coming and and molesting me and/or my children?!
ANSWER; Well nothing stopped it before and it wouldn't be stopped now, IF that were an actual problem, but it's not. 99% of child molesters are regular straight males, most are a family member or friend of the family. There have been ZERO instances of a transperson assaulting or molesting people in a restroom, however, on the flip side, there have been countless times transpeople have been assaulted or murdered just for being trans.
STATEMENT: It's common sense that if you have a penis you go into the male restroom and if you have a vagina you go into a female restroom. That's how we keep men out of the women's restroom.
ANSWER; If this is how you want to keep men out of the restroom, you're going to have a problem. First off, most transmen (born women who later transitioned to being a man) have a vagina and that's the only female part they do have. Many have taken hormones, which means they have body hair and their bodies have reshaped to make them look more male. In fact, many are totally indistinguishable from men who have penises. To require the rules to be based on genitalia, without actually being able to check genitalia, that just opens the door wide open for any male to come into the female restroom, no dress needed.
Secondly, some states allow trans people to have their gender marker changed, on their driver's license and their birth certificate, even if they have the opposite genitalia.
Thirdly, since genitalia cannot be checked and there's such a big deal being made out of it, the backlash is that any person who does not neatly fit into the stereotype of a girly girl or manly man, is being harassed... I mean, they always have been but now it's even moreso. Women, who identify as women, who happen to have short hair and pants on are being forcibly pulled out of the restroom by actual MEN and kicked out of establishments if they do not produce proper ID. Last I checked, no one really has the right to demand anyone's ID in the restroom but even if I fit the bill genetically, I'd say kiss my ass on the ID thing because it's not being required for EVERYONE to provide their ID to use the restroom. If you want to impose those kinds of restrictions, you can't just single out people here and there. That's called BIGOTRY. Make it equal or STFU.
Fourth, there are many people who have had surgery to change their genitalia or who were born with unclear genitalia or both genitalia. There are people who have crazy stuff going on with their hormones that make it scientifically unclear which gender they belong to so doctors just assign one at birth and hope it's the right one. That's the thing... there are so many variables to this but many are uneducated so they think it's just a very black and white issue. It's not!
Fifth, last I heard, it's still against the law to assualt, molest, rape, etc. This has nothing to do with which gender is using which bathroom. This law was made before a problem presented itself. It, in effect, created the problem it was meant to fix.
Also, if you start a sentence with, "I'm not against "A", but....", chances are you are, in fact, against "A" but don't want to look or feel like an asshole. News flash... You're an asshole. Now you get to choose to fix yourself or not.
My theory is this... The conservatives and privileged are losing their ability to control everything and everyone around them. The political parties are crumbling. There is scandal and corruption everywhere. The people in power needed a distraction from what was going on in their ranks, so they picked a minority group that hardly anyone knew any information about and threw them right under the bus with all sorts of crazy bullshit that would feed the paranoia and constant state of terror that the uneducated bigots live with on a daily basis. They can't handle if things are calm. They need that constant adrenaline flow to remind them that the "enemy" is just about to kill them all, or take something away from them, i.e. freedom, guns, their ability to flap their worthless pie holes in public spaces, etc. Almost everyone knows a gay person by now, so they can no longer make gays the unknown scary boogeyman, but transpeople... Oh hey! There we go! Most people have never met a transperson, that they know of and it's weird and freaky so it must be dangerous and bad. New boogeyman to throw our rage at! Woooooooo!
The crazy amounts of stupidity that I constantly see in the human race just never fails to disappoint me even more... Even when I think I cannot have a lower opinion than I already do, I get surprised again. It's just amazing to me how low people can get and how EASILY manipulated and herded they are by the media and politicians. I mean, I can imagine they get a huge laugh out of how easy it is and make bets about how far they can go with outrageous bullshit that people will still believe, no matter how ridiculous, as long as it continues to feed their paranoia, superstitions and ignorance.
No one wants your guns. No one wants to see you take a shit.
I'd rather you not breed and I'd rather you STFU, yes, but I am not trying to have laws put in place to make that happen. That's just my fantasy super power.
The surgery went well, however, it hasn't been totally smooth sailing. Shaun has a very low pain tolerance and that translates to a tremendous amount of whining. LOL... No really. Like constant. I think he's finally gearing down on that. Hey I get that there's pain but vocalizing and focusing on every minute sensation isn't helpful in any way and it's torture for everyone else too. I've been through this and so much more so I feel like I can have a say in this matter, plus, I admit that I'm a little judgy about excessive whining when a perfectly healthy person chooses to undergo a cosmetic surgery. Suck it up buttercup. I know I'm a bitch like that. I'm okay with it. There haven't been any dangerous side effects but there has been a bit of fluid trapped and it makes a sloshing sound. It's pretty common in these circumstances and usually resolves on its own, being reabsorbed into the body. Sometimes it can turn into a seroma though and has to be manually sucked out with a syringe. That does suck. I'm not going to lie. So far, it looks like he may escape that part but we'll find out tomorrow.
So on to related matters. It just so happened that the timing of Shaun having his breasts removed coincided with the nation-wide frenzy over trans people in bathrooms. It's a fucking witch hunt right now and I'm somewhere between insanely afraid for Shaun's safety and in a murderous rage over the dangerous stupidity that surrounds me. Suddenly trans people are a danger to small children. I've decided to include a Q&A here, which won't get read, but it will make me feel better to get it off my chest.
QUESTION; I'm not against people being trans but if a law allows them to go into the restroom they identify with, what's to stop a man in a dress from coming and and molesting me and/or my children?!
ANSWER; Well nothing stopped it before and it wouldn't be stopped now, IF that were an actual problem, but it's not. 99% of child molesters are regular straight males, most are a family member or friend of the family. There have been ZERO instances of a transperson assaulting or molesting people in a restroom, however, on the flip side, there have been countless times transpeople have been assaulted or murdered just for being trans.
STATEMENT: It's common sense that if you have a penis you go into the male restroom and if you have a vagina you go into a female restroom. That's how we keep men out of the women's restroom.
ANSWER; If this is how you want to keep men out of the restroom, you're going to have a problem. First off, most transmen (born women who later transitioned to being a man) have a vagina and that's the only female part they do have. Many have taken hormones, which means they have body hair and their bodies have reshaped to make them look more male. In fact, many are totally indistinguishable from men who have penises. To require the rules to be based on genitalia, without actually being able to check genitalia, that just opens the door wide open for any male to come into the female restroom, no dress needed.
Secondly, some states allow trans people to have their gender marker changed, on their driver's license and their birth certificate, even if they have the opposite genitalia.
Thirdly, since genitalia cannot be checked and there's such a big deal being made out of it, the backlash is that any person who does not neatly fit into the stereotype of a girly girl or manly man, is being harassed... I mean, they always have been but now it's even moreso. Women, who identify as women, who happen to have short hair and pants on are being forcibly pulled out of the restroom by actual MEN and kicked out of establishments if they do not produce proper ID. Last I checked, no one really has the right to demand anyone's ID in the restroom but even if I fit the bill genetically, I'd say kiss my ass on the ID thing because it's not being required for EVERYONE to provide their ID to use the restroom. If you want to impose those kinds of restrictions, you can't just single out people here and there. That's called BIGOTRY. Make it equal or STFU.
Fourth, there are many people who have had surgery to change their genitalia or who were born with unclear genitalia or both genitalia. There are people who have crazy stuff going on with their hormones that make it scientifically unclear which gender they belong to so doctors just assign one at birth and hope it's the right one. That's the thing... there are so many variables to this but many are uneducated so they think it's just a very black and white issue. It's not!
Fifth, last I heard, it's still against the law to assualt, molest, rape, etc. This has nothing to do with which gender is using which bathroom. This law was made before a problem presented itself. It, in effect, created the problem it was meant to fix.
Also, if you start a sentence with, "I'm not against "A", but....", chances are you are, in fact, against "A" but don't want to look or feel like an asshole. News flash... You're an asshole. Now you get to choose to fix yourself or not.
My theory is this... The conservatives and privileged are losing their ability to control everything and everyone around them. The political parties are crumbling. There is scandal and corruption everywhere. The people in power needed a distraction from what was going on in their ranks, so they picked a minority group that hardly anyone knew any information about and threw them right under the bus with all sorts of crazy bullshit that would feed the paranoia and constant state of terror that the uneducated bigots live with on a daily basis. They can't handle if things are calm. They need that constant adrenaline flow to remind them that the "enemy" is just about to kill them all, or take something away from them, i.e. freedom, guns, their ability to flap their worthless pie holes in public spaces, etc. Almost everyone knows a gay person by now, so they can no longer make gays the unknown scary boogeyman, but transpeople... Oh hey! There we go! Most people have never met a transperson, that they know of and it's weird and freaky so it must be dangerous and bad. New boogeyman to throw our rage at! Woooooooo!
The crazy amounts of stupidity that I constantly see in the human race just never fails to disappoint me even more... Even when I think I cannot have a lower opinion than I already do, I get surprised again. It's just amazing to me how low people can get and how EASILY manipulated and herded they are by the media and politicians. I mean, I can imagine they get a huge laugh out of how easy it is and make bets about how far they can go with outrageous bullshit that people will still believe, no matter how ridiculous, as long as it continues to feed their paranoia, superstitions and ignorance.
No one wants your guns. No one wants to see you take a shit.
I'd rather you not breed and I'd rather you STFU, yes, but I am not trying to have laws put in place to make that happen. That's just my fantasy super power.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Tropical vacation and blasts from the past
Damn, I just never really get around to doing this regularly anymore but I used to have a Live Journal and there was some good content but a lot of it was nothing noteworthy.
So Shaun and I went to Vieques for a vacation. It's a little island just east of Puerto Rico. I was supposed to go last year but agreed to cancel it in order to do chemo. I'm glad I was able to do it eventually. We had a limited time to use our plane fare. That was the deal with Blue Jet. They would issue a refund but it was only good for a year so use it or lose it. Most of the vacation had already been paid for by the time we went. We stayed in a cute B&B that was owned by a lesbian couple. The only downside to it was that it was at the top of a very steep hill. Walking to the ocean was no big deal but the walk back was a killer. We intended to rent a golf cart but when we got there we found that they would only accept major credit cards. No debit cards and no cash. That was all we had on us. We ended up having to call a taxi to take us to our hotel. It ended up not being that big of a deal really but after the horrible flight delays, it was part of a bad start to the vacation. The rest went well. Speaking of flight credits, we ended up each getting a $250 credit because the trip there was such a nightmare. We ended up getting there about 6 hours late. I wish we could have experienced our first room a little longer but we ended up getting there about 2am and had to leave by 8 or 9 in the morning. That was a bit harsh.
Vieques was slow moving and gorgeous. We met a really cool couple at the B&B and they took us to some of the beaches that were farther away. I also got to do some snorkeling for the first time, thanks to them. I have no idea why I was so scared to do that for so long. It was amazing!! I saw several tropical fish, my favorite being a puffer fish. Everyone asked me if I made it puff up and no, I did not. I know that it causes stress on them to do it and just didn't feel like freaking it out just to be amused. Shaun walked around on the beach for a long time looking for shells and sea glass. He found quite a bit of cool stuff, which we brought back.
We were having a hard time finding cool gifts that were made locally but I found a few. Most of the stuff we got was from a museum in the main city... I forget the name. Some woman's name. LOL... Shaun ended up falling in love with a big photo of a sea turtle that was imprinted on metal. I told him we should get it then so now it's on our wall. It's not a painting but it's something unique that can't just be bought at a local store.
My favorite part, I think, was the bioluminescent bay. OMG it was SO AMAZING!!! I thought I wouldn't be able to do it because of my silly shoulders. Most people kayak and I thought... there's no way I am going to be able to row long term without making it suck for me and everyone else. Luckily we found a tour that uses a pontoon. Almost all the people were old and it was expensive as hell but once I went on it, I felt like it was worth it. The little organisms glow blue when they are disturbed so when the fish would swim in a burst, you could see them glowing blue in the water. I'm pretty sure I saw a manta ray a few times. I wish camera phones were high enough quality to pick up that sort of thing but they weren't. It was magical though. They said they only glow about 10% of what they used to. I'm glad I was able to witness it before they all died off.
Mostly what we did on our vacation was drink cocktails and eat yummy food. We both gained about 10 pounds that week. Totally worth it!
I was kind of scared about going because I have some ghosts of Christmas past there but it was all good. Now I have some really positive memories associated with Puerto Rico and that was kind of the point of it.
On a completely different subject, one of my old time friends came to stay with us recently. I hadn't really gotten to hang out with her in a super long time so we stayed up late several nights just chatting and catching up. In a way it was great and in a way insightful, but not like a comfortable insightful kind of way. She brought up a few things I had said to her in the past. On the positive side, it showed me just how far I've come in my own self development and I thought I was damned lucky that she stuck by me. I mean the stuff I said wasn't meant to harm but it was pretty fucking harsh. I'm glad she allowed me to rephrase what I said so it didn't come off like a cold bitch. Good grief! I could go back in time and shake myself! Tact has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I think I even surprised her a bit with how much I have calmed down over the years but I'll take that as a compliment. She is in a very hard stage in life and one that I wrestle with. On the one hand, I could totally help her out and really want to. On the other hand, as she said, it's her path to walk and her lessons to learn. She's totally right, of course, and I know this but seeing suffering and doing nothing is very hard for me. All I can really do, and all I really have permission to do, is to love her unconditionally which is pretty big for her, based on her past experiences. I can do that, no problem. She's one of the few people on the earth I see as really being a GOOD person. Not necessarily what she may describe as good but I see her as a pure soul stuck in Hell. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to know how to navigate it. She only knows how to be true to her heart and for that I love her to the moon and back. It's so rare.
There is more big stuff coming up soon but I'd rather talk about it after it's happened so bye for now!
So Shaun and I went to Vieques for a vacation. It's a little island just east of Puerto Rico. I was supposed to go last year but agreed to cancel it in order to do chemo. I'm glad I was able to do it eventually. We had a limited time to use our plane fare. That was the deal with Blue Jet. They would issue a refund but it was only good for a year so use it or lose it. Most of the vacation had already been paid for by the time we went. We stayed in a cute B&B that was owned by a lesbian couple. The only downside to it was that it was at the top of a very steep hill. Walking to the ocean was no big deal but the walk back was a killer. We intended to rent a golf cart but when we got there we found that they would only accept major credit cards. No debit cards and no cash. That was all we had on us. We ended up having to call a taxi to take us to our hotel. It ended up not being that big of a deal really but after the horrible flight delays, it was part of a bad start to the vacation. The rest went well. Speaking of flight credits, we ended up each getting a $250 credit because the trip there was such a nightmare. We ended up getting there about 6 hours late. I wish we could have experienced our first room a little longer but we ended up getting there about 2am and had to leave by 8 or 9 in the morning. That was a bit harsh.
Vieques was slow moving and gorgeous. We met a really cool couple at the B&B and they took us to some of the beaches that were farther away. I also got to do some snorkeling for the first time, thanks to them. I have no idea why I was so scared to do that for so long. It was amazing!! I saw several tropical fish, my favorite being a puffer fish. Everyone asked me if I made it puff up and no, I did not. I know that it causes stress on them to do it and just didn't feel like freaking it out just to be amused. Shaun walked around on the beach for a long time looking for shells and sea glass. He found quite a bit of cool stuff, which we brought back.
We were having a hard time finding cool gifts that were made locally but I found a few. Most of the stuff we got was from a museum in the main city... I forget the name. Some woman's name. LOL... Shaun ended up falling in love with a big photo of a sea turtle that was imprinted on metal. I told him we should get it then so now it's on our wall. It's not a painting but it's something unique that can't just be bought at a local store.
My favorite part, I think, was the bioluminescent bay. OMG it was SO AMAZING!!! I thought I wouldn't be able to do it because of my silly shoulders. Most people kayak and I thought... there's no way I am going to be able to row long term without making it suck for me and everyone else. Luckily we found a tour that uses a pontoon. Almost all the people were old and it was expensive as hell but once I went on it, I felt like it was worth it. The little organisms glow blue when they are disturbed so when the fish would swim in a burst, you could see them glowing blue in the water. I'm pretty sure I saw a manta ray a few times. I wish camera phones were high enough quality to pick up that sort of thing but they weren't. It was magical though. They said they only glow about 10% of what they used to. I'm glad I was able to witness it before they all died off.
Mostly what we did on our vacation was drink cocktails and eat yummy food. We both gained about 10 pounds that week. Totally worth it!
I was kind of scared about going because I have some ghosts of Christmas past there but it was all good. Now I have some really positive memories associated with Puerto Rico and that was kind of the point of it.
On a completely different subject, one of my old time friends came to stay with us recently. I hadn't really gotten to hang out with her in a super long time so we stayed up late several nights just chatting and catching up. In a way it was great and in a way insightful, but not like a comfortable insightful kind of way. She brought up a few things I had said to her in the past. On the positive side, it showed me just how far I've come in my own self development and I thought I was damned lucky that she stuck by me. I mean the stuff I said wasn't meant to harm but it was pretty fucking harsh. I'm glad she allowed me to rephrase what I said so it didn't come off like a cold bitch. Good grief! I could go back in time and shake myself! Tact has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I think I even surprised her a bit with how much I have calmed down over the years but I'll take that as a compliment. She is in a very hard stage in life and one that I wrestle with. On the one hand, I could totally help her out and really want to. On the other hand, as she said, it's her path to walk and her lessons to learn. She's totally right, of course, and I know this but seeing suffering and doing nothing is very hard for me. All I can really do, and all I really have permission to do, is to love her unconditionally which is pretty big for her, based on her past experiences. I can do that, no problem. She's one of the few people on the earth I see as really being a GOOD person. Not necessarily what she may describe as good but I see her as a pure soul stuck in Hell. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to know how to navigate it. She only knows how to be true to her heart and for that I love her to the moon and back. It's so rare.
There is more big stuff coming up soon but I'd rather talk about it after it's happened so bye for now!
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
We're all just dust in the wind
For the past couple of weeks I've been enjoying some 80's tunes on my satellite radio. It has me reminiscing about the old days but one thought that comes to me constantly. I'd say I'm borderline obsessed with it. If I was somehow in a situation where my 44 year old brain was transplanted into my teenage body and life, what would I do differently?
Pretty much everything.
First of all, I'd have my nose in a book from 9th to 12th grade. I'd spend a lot more time studying, learning and preparing for my dream job and less time worrying about blending in with the crowd and my "love" life. I mean, I didn't know myself back then. Well I did but I was freaked out about it. I was the weird kid where I lived and I hated it. If I went back now, I would celebrate it and not give a single shit about how it came across. I would work my ass off to get great grades, take tons of science and math classes, go to college and get my degree in... Oh, I wonder if anyone would ever even guess. Art? No. Nursing? No again.
Astronomy.
I'd get my degree in Astronomy and the second I got my piece of paper I'd get the fuck out of Utah.
That's right. I don't know much about it but I'm totally obsessed with the Universe beyond our planet. I really have no adequate words to describe the level of awe I have for it. Nebulae, stars that would dwarf our sun, black holes... there is so much mystery and I think some of the creatures on the planet come from somewhere else. It's like the ultimate weird! I love it so hard! It's exactly like microbiology if you just take the scale out of it. There are so many similarities but just knowing how tiny of a speck our planet is in the Universe just amazes me.
It's partly the cause of my disengagement from a lot of woes on the earth. It just seems, ultimately, insignificant. It's like we're all on a holodeck just acting out parts in order to experience certain sensations or emotions to be downloaded into the cosmic hard drive. Every angle and every emotion, every experience... all going into the same core to gain a total perspective of the Truth. Each of a single cell in a large body having our own experience but affecting the Whole.
Then I see how hard the cells try to seem independent and important... relevant. Well I mean each cell is important but it's important as part of a collective. Humans have a hard time with that, I think. They can't deal with not being important or remembered or noticed. They can't deal with being insignificant because they must have meaning to their suffering. For some reason, personal meaning isn't enough. Their suffering must have meaning to the Collective to be worth something. Why is that?
I like the idea of leaving no footprint when I go except I know that isn't true. As a human... as all humans do, we leave an imprint of destruction. We consume resources and take land away for our homes and stores and parking lots. That's the legacy we all leave when we die and then we get buried and take up a ton of land with useless lawns and endless acres of artificially preserved dead flesh that is completely forgotten about within a few generations.
I saw a news article recently, followed by a bunch of others from scientists that say we are in an era of extinction and it will happen within the next 40-100 years. I'll be 84 at the youngest. My generation may be the last generation that dies of old age on the planet while others continue to breed and what will be there for their children when they become adults? Humans cannot handle the idea of this so they pretend it isn't going to happen and just go about life as usual and they will until the last second... until the water starts seeping into their nostrils and choking them. Then the religious freaks will say the bible predicted it and the rest will be so shocked like they never saw it coming. I see it as a self-fulfilling prophecy because the religious freaks need that validation so they will make sure it happens to get it.
The Earth will live on though. After the humans wipe themselves out, the planet will find balance again. The richest people will be able to stockpile and survive and will start over. They will own everything and have slaves and rebuild and the story repeats itself over and over. In the meantime, all will be completely insignificant in the Universe. Whatever happens on our tiny blue dot won't matter in the slightest what happens to the rest of the Universe.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Driven to Be
I've had some thoughts rolling around in my head lately regarding the difference between people who are driven and people who aren't. I mean everyone has drive for something, right? What I mean is the people who are constantly striving for more, better vs. people who are content with sameness for a long period of time. A few years ago, a friend of mine whom I consider to be extremely driven, said people who are driven are never satisfied. It really stuck in my head because I can relate to that. I've always been a mover, a changer and couldn't handle the same of anything for very long... in anything really. It was so uncommon that I can actually point out the few things that slowly changed that in me... Maybe changed isn't the right word. I found a better balance with myself and the world around me. My cat "Bez" was probably the first thing. She was, by far, my longest commitment. I remember when my then husband asked me if I ever had to choose between the two of them, who would I pick? I said I'd keep my cat, without an instant of hesitation. Well it was true. I did have her longer than him and it was the better investment, honestly. He was another one though. Though the relationship was toxic and abusive, I chose to stay because I wanted to change this part of myself. I said I'd stay unless there was blatant cheating or abuse, which at the time I thought of as physical. I now know there are many types of abuse and many that are worse and longer lasting than physical abuse. Anyway, that relationship allowed me to sort of stretch my own boundaries a bit and focus more on resolution, tolerance, communication, commitment... you know, the things that you have to do to make it in the long run. I knew we wouldn't make it but when you don't think it's the "one", then why not get some painful growth out of the way while you can so the next one can be easier?
The next one....
The next relationship, the next house, the next move, the next hair style/color, the next car.... always looking towards the next thing... Always looking for the BEST thing.
Okay so I feel I have found my best partner in life. It doesn't feel stale or old like things have in the past. After 6 years I still get excited to spend time together. My favorite time of the day or night is when we are snuggling and kissing and just being together. It never gets old. I don't feel like I have the "best" of anything else but I feel like everything else is pretty good. When I think of the majority of people that I just see from the outside, people that live in the same house for 20 years, work the same job for 20 years, I wonder how they got to the point where they said, "This is it. This is as good as it's going to get." and then stop striving for more. I feel like that's part of the driven mentality. That if I stop... If I say, "This is where I'm staying", then it's good but at the same time it also feels like I'm giving up. I'm so tired though. I mean is that normal? I think it's normal. Not that I would know what normal is but is that how people decide to be at an even keel? Is part of it being able to remain living in the moment? I love the house where I work but usually I feel like it's too easy. It's SO peaceful and happy though so that should be satisfying... right? Like I could just do it forever. I can't stand living in Texas though. I really have to work hard to ignore the bone-headed politics, policies and the red neck culture. Are we going to be okay staying here long term? I know they will just constantly keep trying to pass laws to continue being bigoted ignorant asses and I just want to live in peace. Peace isn't second nature to me though. Conflict challenges me but peace is warm and comfortable too.
I mostly feel like my life is back to what it used to be sans the shoulder issues. I guess I'll eventually get things sorted out in my head. I usually do. I do have a very good life... Better than I have ever had it and actually better than I thought I'd ever have it and I am happy with it. I just feel a little disappointed in myself that I'm going to stop fighting for more. Is that weird? I think I'm going in the right direction and I really feel that when I stop feeling like I need to constantly be fighting for more, that will be even more growth. That's what I want. I want to just be able to enjoy my life and what I have and be okay to just be.
I have another very driven friend who cannot just be. It's impossible for her. I think it's actually helping me to be more stable because when I see what she goes through every day, it just looks stressful and I see others like her doing the same things and I think, "This is humans trying to feel relevant. I want to be remembered after their death... To leave a big mark. They don't like feel like a drop in an ocean." I don't really care if no one remembers me. I feel special being alive during certain major events in history that I think are important but I don't feel like I need to be a Ghandi or Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King. I'm pretty sure those people never felt like they were enough and never felt satisfied and I bet they were fucking exhausted and constant targets. Yuck! I'm good just being a drop in the sea and I'd rather observe things that I cannot control and not get caught up in things I have no control over and all the ills of the world. Dealing with myself and my own baggage has been quite a feat in itself. If only everyone could just focus on dealing with their own baggage, can you imagine how the world would change? Instead of directing all the pain and angst and baggage outwardly and throwing blame out, if everyone took responsibility for their own lives, for their own happiness AND misery, everything would change. It's hard though. It's far more difficult to face your own demons than to ignore them and start pointing out other people's junk or trying constantly to exert control over what everyone else is doing.
Yeah... That's definitely progress for me.
On that note, I'm going to wrap this up because the love of my life is going to be home soon and I'm ready to get my snuggle on.
The next one....
The next relationship, the next house, the next move, the next hair style/color, the next car.... always looking towards the next thing... Always looking for the BEST thing.
Okay so I feel I have found my best partner in life. It doesn't feel stale or old like things have in the past. After 6 years I still get excited to spend time together. My favorite time of the day or night is when we are snuggling and kissing and just being together. It never gets old. I don't feel like I have the "best" of anything else but I feel like everything else is pretty good. When I think of the majority of people that I just see from the outside, people that live in the same house for 20 years, work the same job for 20 years, I wonder how they got to the point where they said, "This is it. This is as good as it's going to get." and then stop striving for more. I feel like that's part of the driven mentality. That if I stop... If I say, "This is where I'm staying", then it's good but at the same time it also feels like I'm giving up. I'm so tired though. I mean is that normal? I think it's normal. Not that I would know what normal is but is that how people decide to be at an even keel? Is part of it being able to remain living in the moment? I love the house where I work but usually I feel like it's too easy. It's SO peaceful and happy though so that should be satisfying... right? Like I could just do it forever. I can't stand living in Texas though. I really have to work hard to ignore the bone-headed politics, policies and the red neck culture. Are we going to be okay staying here long term? I know they will just constantly keep trying to pass laws to continue being bigoted ignorant asses and I just want to live in peace. Peace isn't second nature to me though. Conflict challenges me but peace is warm and comfortable too.
I mostly feel like my life is back to what it used to be sans the shoulder issues. I guess I'll eventually get things sorted out in my head. I usually do. I do have a very good life... Better than I have ever had it and actually better than I thought I'd ever have it and I am happy with it. I just feel a little disappointed in myself that I'm going to stop fighting for more. Is that weird? I think I'm going in the right direction and I really feel that when I stop feeling like I need to constantly be fighting for more, that will be even more growth. That's what I want. I want to just be able to enjoy my life and what I have and be okay to just be.
I have another very driven friend who cannot just be. It's impossible for her. I think it's actually helping me to be more stable because when I see what she goes through every day, it just looks stressful and I see others like her doing the same things and I think, "This is humans trying to feel relevant. I want to be remembered after their death... To leave a big mark. They don't like feel like a drop in an ocean." I don't really care if no one remembers me. I feel special being alive during certain major events in history that I think are important but I don't feel like I need to be a Ghandi or Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King. I'm pretty sure those people never felt like they were enough and never felt satisfied and I bet they were fucking exhausted and constant targets. Yuck! I'm good just being a drop in the sea and I'd rather observe things that I cannot control and not get caught up in things I have no control over and all the ills of the world. Dealing with myself and my own baggage has been quite a feat in itself. If only everyone could just focus on dealing with their own baggage, can you imagine how the world would change? Instead of directing all the pain and angst and baggage outwardly and throwing blame out, if everyone took responsibility for their own lives, for their own happiness AND misery, everything would change. It's hard though. It's far more difficult to face your own demons than to ignore them and start pointing out other people's junk or trying constantly to exert control over what everyone else is doing.
Yeah... That's definitely progress for me.
On that note, I'm going to wrap this up because the love of my life is going to be home soon and I'm ready to get my snuggle on.
Friday, January 15, 2016
2015 Can Suck a Bag of Dicks... Moving On...
It's been a hot minute since I last wrote...
Thank goodness we got through the holidays in one piece. I ended up going back to work the end of September but only a few days a week and, largely due to my stress levels with dealing with the disability people, I put myself on full time work mid-December. I have yet to be paid for November and the first 2 weeks of December but it will get worked out one way or another. Luckily, it wasn't too awfully long before the worst of the pain in my right shoulder was behind me. It's been probably 3 weeks or more since I had a zinger so I feel pretty good about that. My ROM is still shit on that side but suddenly I have almost full ROM on my left side. Still some achiness but who cares! I can reach stuff!
So... holidays...
The only negative was the awkward visit to Alabama to visit Shaun's family. It wasn't too horrible and thankfully it was short, but we made the excuse to take our day bed there to set up for his niece since she's nearly a teenager and still using a toddler bed. We had to pretty much use emotional blackmail on the sister to get her to allow us into her house to set up the bed because we didn't trust that she would ever do it. It gave her motivation to clean her house, which reeked of animal feces and urine. She got new sheets and blankets and later we all went out and she picked out her own pillow. I'm glad we were able to give her something of her own. The only tense moments were when the poor child's mother just would never stop picking on her. She's always been that way. It's sad.
Moving on...
One of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit. She was in town for a few days to run a marathon and spend some time with me. It was so great. We hung out with my bff and her honey, looked at light displays and went on a really cool Chinese lantern parade march. I did the second half topless! I even walked back to the car topless. It was amazing and empowering! I could tell people were trying to figure out if I was wearing a bikini or decal or what was going on. Haha! There was a drone there too. I looked around for some footage from it but never could find it. The march was incredible. There must have been a thousand people there with all different kinds of lanterns all lit up and bobbing around. The marching band played darker music which is right up my alley. It was one of those rare treats you get living near Austin that doesn't really happen anywhere else in the bible belt.
We spent a quite New Year's Eve together, which is how we like things now. Low key. No drama. Our relationship is peaceful and loving and so is our home. Last year sucked a giant bag of dirty dicks but one great thing that came out of it is that we are stronger than ever in our relationship. It's amazing really and something I never thought I'd have. I'm humbled by the amount of devotion and effort Shaun put forth last year to make sure I was safe and felt loved. Everyone should be able to experience that kind of love in their lives but probably most won't. I consider myself very lucky.
There are lots of big things I see happening this year but one thing that has changed about me is I don't really like to talk about what might be. I'd rather talk about it when it IS.
Until next time...
Thank goodness we got through the holidays in one piece. I ended up going back to work the end of September but only a few days a week and, largely due to my stress levels with dealing with the disability people, I put myself on full time work mid-December. I have yet to be paid for November and the first 2 weeks of December but it will get worked out one way or another. Luckily, it wasn't too awfully long before the worst of the pain in my right shoulder was behind me. It's been probably 3 weeks or more since I had a zinger so I feel pretty good about that. My ROM is still shit on that side but suddenly I have almost full ROM on my left side. Still some achiness but who cares! I can reach stuff!
So... holidays...
The only negative was the awkward visit to Alabama to visit Shaun's family. It wasn't too horrible and thankfully it was short, but we made the excuse to take our day bed there to set up for his niece since she's nearly a teenager and still using a toddler bed. We had to pretty much use emotional blackmail on the sister to get her to allow us into her house to set up the bed because we didn't trust that she would ever do it. It gave her motivation to clean her house, which reeked of animal feces and urine. She got new sheets and blankets and later we all went out and she picked out her own pillow. I'm glad we were able to give her something of her own. The only tense moments were when the poor child's mother just would never stop picking on her. She's always been that way. It's sad.
Moving on...
One of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit. She was in town for a few days to run a marathon and spend some time with me. It was so great. We hung out with my bff and her honey, looked at light displays and went on a really cool Chinese lantern parade march. I did the second half topless! I even walked back to the car topless. It was amazing and empowering! I could tell people were trying to figure out if I was wearing a bikini or decal or what was going on. Haha! There was a drone there too. I looked around for some footage from it but never could find it. The march was incredible. There must have been a thousand people there with all different kinds of lanterns all lit up and bobbing around. The marching band played darker music which is right up my alley. It was one of those rare treats you get living near Austin that doesn't really happen anywhere else in the bible belt.
We spent a quite New Year's Eve together, which is how we like things now. Low key. No drama. Our relationship is peaceful and loving and so is our home. Last year sucked a giant bag of dirty dicks but one great thing that came out of it is that we are stronger than ever in our relationship. It's amazing really and something I never thought I'd have. I'm humbled by the amount of devotion and effort Shaun put forth last year to make sure I was safe and felt loved. Everyone should be able to experience that kind of love in their lives but probably most won't. I consider myself very lucky.
There are lots of big things I see happening this year but one thing that has changed about me is I don't really like to talk about what might be. I'd rather talk about it when it IS.
Until next time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)