Watch it burn with grace

At this point in history we have surpassed 100K known Covid deaths in the US and tonight there are riots in the streets in most major cities over yet another murder of a black man by police.  I should probably turn the news off at this point because I can feel myself getting obsessive about it.

I kind of wonder if I might be starting to be depressed but sometimes it's something that sneaks up on you.  It's either that or I'm just tired of the fight.  I've been more prone to tears rather than yelling.  I've given up on trying to convince S to care about saving our marriage.  You can't make someone love you and you can't make them care.  I did make it known that I see he just gave up.  He has his list of excuses why he gave up but as per usual he doesn't have much ability to look inward.  He half heartedly went to 2 therapy sessions with me and that's his version of "trying everything".  That's not trying.  That's someone who gave up before it even got to the therapy point.  It doesn't matter though.  I have spent months listing to him why we are worth fighting for and at no point did he ever tell me why *HE* thinks we should fight for it.  The burden has always been on me to sell it.  I'm done trying to hold it all up on my own.  I've fought that fight before and it can't be won.  It takes two to make it work.  It takes two willing to look within and to do the hard work.  It takes two to take their promises to each other seriously even when things get hard.  I'm not going to spend a lot of time in here listing all the details of his claims because they don't matter anymore.  None of it matters anymore because he isn't willing to do the work so my focus now is on letting go and attempting to salvage a peaceful enough roommate vibe that we can sustain.  I think there's about a snowball's chance in hell that will last long term but at least when it comes to the house, he is willing to put forth the effort to make it work.  We will do our best and it will be what it will be.

I have put boundaries into place to hopefully make it work better and that is to cut off couple behaviors that to him are "to keep the peace" and to me are just cruel and confusing.  No more hugs or kisses or cuddles.  We will no longer have marriage meetings as we were but rather meetings regarding grievances or finances.  Sort of the same as marriage meetings but without planning dates and there's no need to spend time complimenting one another.

I have been going through a period of time where I've been crying and psychoanalyzing every single thing about myself and every thought I have.  I have discovered that you see whatever you are looking for, which I knew when it came to looking outside of myself but never thought about it in regards to how I see my insides.  One thing I do could be viewed as manipulative or controlling or it could be viewed as healthy and setting healthy boundaries.  It all depends on what angle you look at it from.  I have decided to just do my best in life and be kinder to myself.  I mean someone has to and if not me then how can I expect anyone else to?  I am worthy of being fought for.  I am worthy of being loved, all of me, not just the nice easy parts.  If a person really loves me and is committed to me, that means they are also committed to working on things when things are tough.  If they aren't willing to do that they either don't actually love me or they really aren't the right person for me.  I don't believe a person can be non controversial all the time but perhaps that's only because I just don't know that experience personally.  I can be difficult and challenging and I still think I'm worthy of being loved and being fought for.  I still think I bring enough to the table to make it worth while.  I can't do another person's work for them.  I can only work on myself.  I am open to doing whatever I need to do to be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday, including going to therapy if I can't figure things out myself.  I think that's one major thing that is in my "must" list for a partner.  They have to be willing to do all those things as well if they can't figure it out on their own.  I don't have a place in my life for people who either shun medication if it's needed or professional therapy.

I've been spending more time with C and occasionally we disagree on things or hit a snag.  I've been so worn out and ground down by the dynamic I've had with S for the past year that when I make the decision not to fight it just turns into tears now.  I also tend to shut down which is not good but seriously I have no reserves right now.  It's going to take some time for me to be okay again.  I don't know when I'll stop being sad that when I finally trusted another person to keep their promises, it fell apart.

I really want to believe things happen for a reason or even at the very least, that there's some kind of great lesson to be learned in all this.  What would this lesson be?  It definitely would not be a hindsight lesson or anything regarding what I could have done differently.  I really don't know of anything I personally could have done differently to make things turn out better than they have.  The only thing I can think of is to learn that no matter what you do, no matter what safeguards you take or what promises are made, you can only control yourself and the rest is out of your hands.  I have standards for myself.  Other people have their own.  Promises mean something to me.  Working my ass off for a relationship and to be a good person means something to me.  Owning my own shit means something to me.  Being reliable, trustworthy and resilient means something to me.  But everyone has their own set of rules to follow and they are all different.  It will be what it will be.  It's exhausting to be with someone who will say something one day and then change their mind the next.  I like to try to be prepared for my life being upended but when you are with someone like that it's really fucking exhausting trying to prepare yourself for whatever whim they follow that will cause havoc in your life. As a teenager I thought it was fun and exciting to be unpredictable but gave those shenanigans up long ago and that is not a kind of excitement that appeals to me now.  I need reliable and grounded people in my life.  Observing a wild card can be fun but I don't want to live with it.

I have been getting tons of hot flashes lately so maybe my extra tears are hormone related.  I don't know yet.  I think tears are okay but it's just kind of not like me to be that way.  I don't generally like being vulnerable in that way but I don't really know how to handle when my frustration or anger bubbles up.  I'm used to being a fighter but I'm just soooooo tired so I just feel that ball of yuck inside in the pit of my stomach or chest or throat.  Then it expands until it gets to my eyes and then tears just come flowing out and I want to roll in a ball and disappear. Maybe it's just me letting myself feel what I feel when I feel it.  Maybe it's depression or hormones.  It's new for me so I don't have much to base it on. Usually I talk to C when this happens and it helps a lot.  She absolutely loves working on stuff with me.  She's never had someone willing to do that with her so she loves it.  I really appreciate that about her.  She loves me like a verb... through actions, not just words.  I can't even think about future stuff right now because it causes me so much anxiety but I can say right now it's nice to have someone to talk to and someone to work through my stuff with.  Sometimes I think I should just learn to be by myself and work through all of this by myself but I'm not by myself and I don't have to so I don't think pushing away someone that cares is the right answer.

I'm just going to take things a day at a time and just focusing on doing my best, being the best person I can be, setting healthy boundaries and giving myself the love, acceptance and compassion that I need rather than being reliant on getting it elsewhere.  I'm going to try to deal with my life imploding with as much grace as I can because flailing about it won't be helpful to anyone. 

A new norm

Life with my new norm with S is mostly going okay.  I did have one day where I cried a lot because I was looking back at our whole relationship and all that we had been through together.  I thought about the thousand talks, which were sometimes fights, about me not ever being okay with Shaun being a man and my fears that he would later come out as one, to which he assured me a thousand times that would never happen.  Part of me feels like everything was a lie and part of me understands sometimes these things evolve.  I feel like you should know yourself by a certain age, especially if you have the support, and you shouldn't make promises that you break and then claim "things change".  If you feel that way then don't use terms like "forever" or even "I promise". 

Nonetheless, things have changed and there is little I can do about it.  S insists this is us taking a break and still staying together.  He was actually sweet and pretty understanding the night I was crying, which thankfully was very different than the time something like this happened with my ex husband, who just got annoyed by my crying and left to sleep in another room because my crying was keeping him up.  Dick.  S and I have had a few talks since our decision that have gone really well so far. We still clash on some things and still clearly are not always on the same page with our individual versions of communication but things continue to go well between he and C when she comes over.  I am grateful for that.  I got a new mattress as well but that's because I've been in so much pain.  Unfortunately, so far, I'm still waking up in pain though I suspect I'd be told I still need to break in the mattress.  It has a 100 day money back guarantee if I don't like it. I guess the one plus so far with it is that it's lighter so if I need to move it or change the sheets it's easier.  I continue to get hot flashes and overheat as well.  Yay hormones.  Hormones control a lot of things don't they?  Yay. </sarcasm>

People are starting to get used to Covid-19 and aren't being as careful as before.  Our numbers have remained constant at around 25-30K new cases a day and around 1.5-2k deaths per day.  That's acceptable I guess.  Businesses are starting to re-open and when I do get out and about I see a lot of people not wearing masks.  Some people are protesting and boycotting if they are required to wear masks.  Imagine an ARMED protest over a requirement to wear a mask!  It defies logic in every sense.  So many things do now.  Everything is backwards.  I know it can and probably will get worse but how much before the tides finally turn?  Humans deserve to die.  Seriously.

Recently I sent a friend of mine some mushrooms to try.  C and I stayed up with him via video chat for it.  It took quite a bit to affect him but when it did he mostly enjoyed looking at the artwork on his walls.  Afterwards he said he had an overall feeling of peace and that everything was going to be ok.  He messaged me last night (a few days later) to let me know that he still feels that inner peace and he has not every been able to maintain a feeling like that more than a few hours.  It made me smile to know that I had a hand in that.  It may not work that way for everyone but for some it's amazing medicine and has healing powers.  Whenever I do it again I'm going to try wearing sunglasses and see how that goes.  My visual cortex goes absolutely bananas and light is overwhelming so it sounds kind of funny but I want to try making an artificial filter for my eyes to see if I can deal with having them open during that first crazy hour.  If not, I'll just do what I do and close my eyes for that time.  I'm not doing it for a while though.  Last time was a bit much.

Until next time!