Due to privacy concerns, from now on if you want to have access to my blog you'll have to become a follower. Wimpy Crying Girl is taking a back seat. Flailing Warrior Woman is in charge now.
Monday, June 8, 2020
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Glass and Blood
Happy NOT my birthday as of about an hour ago. Another disatrous birthday flushed down the great toilet of time. Lots of sleeping and crying. Lots of talking to Shaun about all the things that went wrong. Lots of too late apologies.
Have you ever seen a car windshield that got hit with something in a way that the whole thing looks like it's covered in frost but it's really just completely shattered but somehow still holding itself together by some invisible spiderwebs inside? Yes. That. Just one little nudge away from completely falling into sharp tiny shards... Only it's already too late. It's already shattered. It's just holding on to the illusion of being in one piece. It's not and I'm not.
I'm really just wondering what the point of anything is. Not just me but lots of us. My kids are dead. I'm totally replaceable in my job. My marriage exists on paper only at this point. Even my gf can't deal with me at all. Everyone likes an easy person and I'm not. I can be easy in the way any acquaintance or stranger can but I'm a shattered soul trying to appear whole. I'm not. I'm fucking bleeding like crazy and I don't know what healthy coping looks like with my type of personality. I don't know what's reasonable to do or say. I know that I'm emotionally fragile. I know I'm needy as fuck right now. It's been a very long time since I've had to go it alone and I know it's something I need to learn but in the meantime I'm Kermie flailing blood and glass everywhere. I'm not the meek lady that goes away silently in the night. I've never been her. I get angry only I haven't even had the strength to get angry. I've just been crying almost nonstop for a few weeks now. Quiet Crying Girl... Also fairly easy to deal with. Not the soul splitting screaming warrior woman in pain. Not that one. She throws glass and blood and she screams bloody murder as she's going down in flames.
I restarted myself on antidepressants on my birthday, courtesy of S. I will get a legit presecription Friday. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got and right now it's not much except a fiery spirit who at least has a spark of survival. A star burns hottest right before its death. A last gasp. I don't want to die by my own hand, though I think about it. I kind of wish it was simply my time. This world is exhausting to me. I'm exhausting to the world. We don't get along and the world isn't going anywhere so why am I still here? I'm just taking up space in a place I'm not wanted.
Monday, June 1, 2020
444
Two nights ago I left a message for my doc. I gave her a head's up of what has been going on in my life and how my emotions are taking a major dose dive. I have only confided in a few people and really only one knew everything. Tonight I got in a bit of an attempted teaching moment regarding the current craziness in our country of racial tensions and police brutality. Someone in my family commented a typical bigoted comment on another family's post and I decided to chime in. It went nowhere, of course, but it triggered a small but maybe necessary shift through a short conversation with her in messenger. I started by telling her I went ahead and blocked the "Becky". Honestly I don't even know if she's a Becky or a Karen or a Susan but she's a shitty white lady just the same and an embarrassment to my DNA line. I told her the gist of what I've been going through and how I've been wishing I could die so I can stop my pain. She told me about a woman who's on Netflix I should watch. I was skeptical because I thought, Oh yay. Here's someone who is going to give me a great message that *could* help a relationship if both partners watched it, absorbed it and applied it to their lives together, but in my situation it wouldn't work because there's only one of us willing to do anything like that. It wasn't. It was good actually. I felt better. I feel a sense of direction which is something I need in life. I had a short but important dialogue with S through messenger as well. In his mind, if I urge him to make changes to his behavior I am not accepting of him. I must accept all the behaviors if I am to accept him as a person. He has decided not to engage in any type of therapy or self help other than just living his life as he is and how he wants and that is his version of self love and acceptance. That is not my way. My way takes a lot of work and the work never ends. I see now that only certain types of people can be okay with being with me and it is not for the weak. It is not for people who cannot commit to working on themselves as a lifestyle. I get it. Everyone is different. The path he chooses is his alone to walk and I cannot walk another person's path for them. I tend to want people to walk with me and sometimes it ends up in my dragging them halfway and that can't last forever. Both of us get tired. I have no idea what my future will hold. Hopefully things will work out and honestly, one way or another, they always have, even if I could not see a way out. I will likely get a prescription for antidepressants and I may or may not take them right away but I do want to continue to find avenues and people who may help me put myself on a better and healthier path. I want to get into meditation more too. I am not too far gone yet. I still enjoy my butterflies and my gardening. I am practicing more self love and compassion for myself. I would like to be able to self regulate my emotions better and depend on others less to find balance. For a long time S and I have said that we had a codependant relationship and since it was mutual it was okay but now that no longer serves us. It is going to take a while to release old habits we have developed as a couple that no longer serve us so I have set some boundaries and I believe he will respect them. He has a white knight thing and wants to fix but he can't fix something while also breaking it. It's confusing for me and causes more pain.
C and I will be separated from each other for a few weeks since her wife and kid and two nephews are back in town and they have had over a week of careless visiting with no social distancing and no cares towards protecting against Covid and since I am charged with the care of a sweet little boy who could be killed by the virus I will do what needs to be done because I will not be careless and put him in danger. In that time I will take care of myself and try to get on a better path.
Speaking of my little guy, yesterday I was holding back tears at work and asked his mom for a hug. She then also voluntold her son to hug me. He did and he said, "You're so cute". I mean, he's just repeating what I always tell him but still... He's a little light in my dark world and I am so grateful for him and his family.
Friday, May 29, 2020
Watch it burn with grace
At this point in history we have surpassed 100K known Covid deaths in the US and tonight there are riots in the streets in most major cities over yet another murder of a black man by police. I should probably turn the news off at this point because I can feel myself getting obsessive about it.
I kind of wonder if I might be starting to be depressed but sometimes it's something that sneaks up on you. It's either that or I'm just tired of the fight. I've been more prone to tears rather than yelling. I've given up on trying to convince S to care about saving our marriage. You can't make someone love you and you can't make them care. I did make it known that I see he just gave up. He has his list of excuses why he gave up but as per usual he doesn't have much ability to look inward. He half heartedly went to 2 therapy sessions with me and that's his version of "trying everything". That's not trying. That's someone who gave up before it even got to the therapy point. It doesn't matter though. I have spent months listing to him why we are worth fighting for and at no point did he ever tell me why *HE* thinks we should fight for it. The burden has always been on me to sell it. I'm done trying to hold it all up on my own. I've fought that fight before and it can't be won. It takes two to make it work. It takes two willing to look within and to do the hard work. It takes two to take their promises to each other seriously even when things get hard. I'm not going to spend a lot of time in here listing all the details of his claims because they don't matter anymore. None of it matters anymore because he isn't willing to do the work so my focus now is on letting go and attempting to salvage a peaceful enough roommate vibe that we can sustain. I think there's about a snowball's chance in hell that will last long term but at least when it comes to the house, he is willing to put forth the effort to make it work. We will do our best and it will be what it will be.
I have put boundaries into place to hopefully make it work better and that is to cut off couple behaviors that to him are "to keep the peace" and to me are just cruel and confusing. No more hugs or kisses or cuddles. We will no longer have marriage meetings as we were but rather meetings regarding grievances or finances. Sort of the same as marriage meetings but without planning dates and there's no need to spend time complimenting one another.
I have been going through a period of time where I've been crying and psychoanalyzing every single thing about myself and every thought I have. I have discovered that you see whatever you are looking for, which I knew when it came to looking outside of myself but never thought about it in regards to how I see my insides. One thing I do could be viewed as manipulative or controlling or it could be viewed as healthy and setting healthy boundaries. It all depends on what angle you look at it from. I have decided to just do my best in life and be kinder to myself. I mean someone has to and if not me then how can I expect anyone else to? I am worthy of being fought for. I am worthy of being loved, all of me, not just the nice easy parts. If a person really loves me and is committed to me, that means they are also committed to working on things when things are tough. If they aren't willing to do that they either don't actually love me or they really aren't the right person for me. I don't believe a person can be non controversial all the time but perhaps that's only because I just don't know that experience personally. I can be difficult and challenging and I still think I'm worthy of being loved and being fought for. I still think I bring enough to the table to make it worth while. I can't do another person's work for them. I can only work on myself. I am open to doing whatever I need to do to be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday, including going to therapy if I can't figure things out myself. I think that's one major thing that is in my "must" list for a partner. They have to be willing to do all those things as well if they can't figure it out on their own. I don't have a place in my life for people who either shun medication if it's needed or professional therapy.
I've been spending more time with C and occasionally we disagree on things or hit a snag. I've been so worn out and ground down by the dynamic I've had with S for the past year that when I make the decision not to fight it just turns into tears now. I also tend to shut down which is not good but seriously I have no reserves right now. It's going to take some time for me to be okay again. I don't know when I'll stop being sad that when I finally trusted another person to keep their promises, it fell apart.
I really want to believe things happen for a reason or even at the very least, that there's some kind of great lesson to be learned in all this. What would this lesson be? It definitely would not be a hindsight lesson or anything regarding what I could have done differently. I really don't know of anything I personally could have done differently to make things turn out better than they have. The only thing I can think of is to learn that no matter what you do, no matter what safeguards you take or what promises are made, you can only control yourself and the rest is out of your hands. I have standards for myself. Other people have their own. Promises mean something to me. Working my ass off for a relationship and to be a good person means something to me. Owning my own shit means something to me. Being reliable, trustworthy and resilient means something to me. But everyone has their own set of rules to follow and they are all different. It will be what it will be. It's exhausting to be with someone who will say something one day and then change their mind the next. I like to try to be prepared for my life being upended but when you are with someone like that it's really fucking exhausting trying to prepare yourself for whatever whim they follow that will cause havoc in your life. As a teenager I thought it was fun and exciting to be unpredictable but gave those shenanigans up long ago and that is not a kind of excitement that appeals to me now. I need reliable and grounded people in my life. Observing a wild card can be fun but I don't want to live with it.
I have been getting tons of hot flashes lately so maybe my extra tears are hormone related. I don't know yet. I think tears are okay but it's just kind of not like me to be that way. I don't generally like being vulnerable in that way but I don't really know how to handle when my frustration or anger bubbles up. I'm used to being a fighter but I'm just soooooo tired so I just feel that ball of yuck inside in the pit of my stomach or chest or throat. Then it expands until it gets to my eyes and then tears just come flowing out and I want to roll in a ball and disappear. Maybe it's just me letting myself feel what I feel when I feel it. Maybe it's depression or hormones. It's new for me so I don't have much to base it on. Usually I talk to C when this happens and it helps a lot. She absolutely loves working on stuff with me. She's never had someone willing to do that with her so she loves it. I really appreciate that about her. She loves me like a verb... through actions, not just words. I can't even think about future stuff right now because it causes me so much anxiety but I can say right now it's nice to have someone to talk to and someone to work through my stuff with. Sometimes I think I should just learn to be by myself and work through all of this by myself but I'm not by myself and I don't have to so I don't think pushing away someone that cares is the right answer.
I'm just going to take things a day at a time and just focusing on doing my best, being the best person I can be, setting healthy boundaries and giving myself the love, acceptance and compassion that I need rather than being reliant on getting it elsewhere. I'm going to try to deal with my life imploding with as much grace as I can because flailing about it won't be helpful to anyone.
I kind of wonder if I might be starting to be depressed but sometimes it's something that sneaks up on you. It's either that or I'm just tired of the fight. I've been more prone to tears rather than yelling. I've given up on trying to convince S to care about saving our marriage. You can't make someone love you and you can't make them care. I did make it known that I see he just gave up. He has his list of excuses why he gave up but as per usual he doesn't have much ability to look inward. He half heartedly went to 2 therapy sessions with me and that's his version of "trying everything". That's not trying. That's someone who gave up before it even got to the therapy point. It doesn't matter though. I have spent months listing to him why we are worth fighting for and at no point did he ever tell me why *HE* thinks we should fight for it. The burden has always been on me to sell it. I'm done trying to hold it all up on my own. I've fought that fight before and it can't be won. It takes two to make it work. It takes two willing to look within and to do the hard work. It takes two to take their promises to each other seriously even when things get hard. I'm not going to spend a lot of time in here listing all the details of his claims because they don't matter anymore. None of it matters anymore because he isn't willing to do the work so my focus now is on letting go and attempting to salvage a peaceful enough roommate vibe that we can sustain. I think there's about a snowball's chance in hell that will last long term but at least when it comes to the house, he is willing to put forth the effort to make it work. We will do our best and it will be what it will be.
I have put boundaries into place to hopefully make it work better and that is to cut off couple behaviors that to him are "to keep the peace" and to me are just cruel and confusing. No more hugs or kisses or cuddles. We will no longer have marriage meetings as we were but rather meetings regarding grievances or finances. Sort of the same as marriage meetings but without planning dates and there's no need to spend time complimenting one another.
I have been going through a period of time where I've been crying and psychoanalyzing every single thing about myself and every thought I have. I have discovered that you see whatever you are looking for, which I knew when it came to looking outside of myself but never thought about it in regards to how I see my insides. One thing I do could be viewed as manipulative or controlling or it could be viewed as healthy and setting healthy boundaries. It all depends on what angle you look at it from. I have decided to just do my best in life and be kinder to myself. I mean someone has to and if not me then how can I expect anyone else to? I am worthy of being fought for. I am worthy of being loved, all of me, not just the nice easy parts. If a person really loves me and is committed to me, that means they are also committed to working on things when things are tough. If they aren't willing to do that they either don't actually love me or they really aren't the right person for me. I don't believe a person can be non controversial all the time but perhaps that's only because I just don't know that experience personally. I can be difficult and challenging and I still think I'm worthy of being loved and being fought for. I still think I bring enough to the table to make it worth while. I can't do another person's work for them. I can only work on myself. I am open to doing whatever I need to do to be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday, including going to therapy if I can't figure things out myself. I think that's one major thing that is in my "must" list for a partner. They have to be willing to do all those things as well if they can't figure it out on their own. I don't have a place in my life for people who either shun medication if it's needed or professional therapy.
I've been spending more time with C and occasionally we disagree on things or hit a snag. I've been so worn out and ground down by the dynamic I've had with S for the past year that when I make the decision not to fight it just turns into tears now. I also tend to shut down which is not good but seriously I have no reserves right now. It's going to take some time for me to be okay again. I don't know when I'll stop being sad that when I finally trusted another person to keep their promises, it fell apart.
I really want to believe things happen for a reason or even at the very least, that there's some kind of great lesson to be learned in all this. What would this lesson be? It definitely would not be a hindsight lesson or anything regarding what I could have done differently. I really don't know of anything I personally could have done differently to make things turn out better than they have. The only thing I can think of is to learn that no matter what you do, no matter what safeguards you take or what promises are made, you can only control yourself and the rest is out of your hands. I have standards for myself. Other people have their own. Promises mean something to me. Working my ass off for a relationship and to be a good person means something to me. Owning my own shit means something to me. Being reliable, trustworthy and resilient means something to me. But everyone has their own set of rules to follow and they are all different. It will be what it will be. It's exhausting to be with someone who will say something one day and then change their mind the next. I like to try to be prepared for my life being upended but when you are with someone like that it's really fucking exhausting trying to prepare yourself for whatever whim they follow that will cause havoc in your life. As a teenager I thought it was fun and exciting to be unpredictable but gave those shenanigans up long ago and that is not a kind of excitement that appeals to me now. I need reliable and grounded people in my life. Observing a wild card can be fun but I don't want to live with it.
I have been getting tons of hot flashes lately so maybe my extra tears are hormone related. I don't know yet. I think tears are okay but it's just kind of not like me to be that way. I don't generally like being vulnerable in that way but I don't really know how to handle when my frustration or anger bubbles up. I'm used to being a fighter but I'm just soooooo tired so I just feel that ball of yuck inside in the pit of my stomach or chest or throat. Then it expands until it gets to my eyes and then tears just come flowing out and I want to roll in a ball and disappear. Maybe it's just me letting myself feel what I feel when I feel it. Maybe it's depression or hormones. It's new for me so I don't have much to base it on. Usually I talk to C when this happens and it helps a lot. She absolutely loves working on stuff with me. She's never had someone willing to do that with her so she loves it. I really appreciate that about her. She loves me like a verb... through actions, not just words. I can't even think about future stuff right now because it causes me so much anxiety but I can say right now it's nice to have someone to talk to and someone to work through my stuff with. Sometimes I think I should just learn to be by myself and work through all of this by myself but I'm not by myself and I don't have to so I don't think pushing away someone that cares is the right answer.
I'm just going to take things a day at a time and just focusing on doing my best, being the best person I can be, setting healthy boundaries and giving myself the love, acceptance and compassion that I need rather than being reliant on getting it elsewhere. I'm going to try to deal with my life imploding with as much grace as I can because flailing about it won't be helpful to anyone.
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
A new norm
Life with my new norm with S is mostly going okay. I did have one day where I cried a lot because I was looking back at our whole relationship and all that we had been through together. I thought about the thousand talks, which were sometimes fights, about me not ever being okay with Shaun being a man and my fears that he would later come out as one, to which he assured me a thousand times that would never happen. Part of me feels like everything was a lie and part of me understands sometimes these things evolve. I feel like you should know yourself by a certain age, especially if you have the support, and you shouldn't make promises that you break and then claim "things change". If you feel that way then don't use terms like "forever" or even "I promise".
Nonetheless, things have changed and there is little I can do about it. S insists this is us taking a break and still staying together. He was actually sweet and pretty understanding the night I was crying, which thankfully was very different than the time something like this happened with my ex husband, who just got annoyed by my crying and left to sleep in another room because my crying was keeping him up. Dick. S and I have had a few talks since our decision that have gone really well so far. We still clash on some things and still clearly are not always on the same page with our individual versions of communication but things continue to go well between he and C when she comes over. I am grateful for that. I got a new mattress as well but that's because I've been in so much pain. Unfortunately, so far, I'm still waking up in pain though I suspect I'd be told I still need to break in the mattress. It has a 100 day money back guarantee if I don't like it. I guess the one plus so far with it is that it's lighter so if I need to move it or change the sheets it's easier. I continue to get hot flashes and overheat as well. Yay hormones. Hormones control a lot of things don't they? Yay. </sarcasm>
People are starting to get used to Covid-19 and aren't being as careful as before. Our numbers have remained constant at around 25-30K new cases a day and around 1.5-2k deaths per day. That's acceptable I guess. Businesses are starting to re-open and when I do get out and about I see a lot of people not wearing masks. Some people are protesting and boycotting if they are required to wear masks. Imagine an ARMED protest over a requirement to wear a mask! It defies logic in every sense. So many things do now. Everything is backwards. I know it can and probably will get worse but how much before the tides finally turn? Humans deserve to die. Seriously.
Recently I sent a friend of mine some mushrooms to try. C and I stayed up with him via video chat for it. It took quite a bit to affect him but when it did he mostly enjoyed looking at the artwork on his walls. Afterwards he said he had an overall feeling of peace and that everything was going to be ok. He messaged me last night (a few days later) to let me know that he still feels that inner peace and he has not every been able to maintain a feeling like that more than a few hours. It made me smile to know that I had a hand in that. It may not work that way for everyone but for some it's amazing medicine and has healing powers. Whenever I do it again I'm going to try wearing sunglasses and see how that goes. My visual cortex goes absolutely bananas and light is overwhelming so it sounds kind of funny but I want to try making an artificial filter for my eyes to see if I can deal with having them open during that first crazy hour. If not, I'll just do what I do and close my eyes for that time. I'm not doing it for a while though. Last time was a bit much.
Until next time!
Nonetheless, things have changed and there is little I can do about it. S insists this is us taking a break and still staying together. He was actually sweet and pretty understanding the night I was crying, which thankfully was very different than the time something like this happened with my ex husband, who just got annoyed by my crying and left to sleep in another room because my crying was keeping him up. Dick. S and I have had a few talks since our decision that have gone really well so far. We still clash on some things and still clearly are not always on the same page with our individual versions of communication but things continue to go well between he and C when she comes over. I am grateful for that. I got a new mattress as well but that's because I've been in so much pain. Unfortunately, so far, I'm still waking up in pain though I suspect I'd be told I still need to break in the mattress. It has a 100 day money back guarantee if I don't like it. I guess the one plus so far with it is that it's lighter so if I need to move it or change the sheets it's easier. I continue to get hot flashes and overheat as well. Yay hormones. Hormones control a lot of things don't they? Yay. </sarcasm>
People are starting to get used to Covid-19 and aren't being as careful as before. Our numbers have remained constant at around 25-30K new cases a day and around 1.5-2k deaths per day. That's acceptable I guess. Businesses are starting to re-open and when I do get out and about I see a lot of people not wearing masks. Some people are protesting and boycotting if they are required to wear masks. Imagine an ARMED protest over a requirement to wear a mask! It defies logic in every sense. So many things do now. Everything is backwards. I know it can and probably will get worse but how much before the tides finally turn? Humans deserve to die. Seriously.
Recently I sent a friend of mine some mushrooms to try. C and I stayed up with him via video chat for it. It took quite a bit to affect him but when it did he mostly enjoyed looking at the artwork on his walls. Afterwards he said he had an overall feeling of peace and that everything was going to be ok. He messaged me last night (a few days later) to let me know that he still feels that inner peace and he has not every been able to maintain a feeling like that more than a few hours. It made me smile to know that I had a hand in that. It may not work that way for everyone but for some it's amazing medicine and has healing powers. Whenever I do it again I'm going to try wearing sunglasses and see how that goes. My visual cortex goes absolutely bananas and light is overwhelming so it sounds kind of funny but I want to try making an artificial filter for my eyes to see if I can deal with having them open during that first crazy hour. If not, I'll just do what I do and close my eyes for that time. I'm not doing it for a while though. Last time was a bit much.
Until next time!
Monday, April 27, 2020
I have a new roommate
S is now out of quarantine and feeling much better. He isn't going back to work until this weekend to rebuild his stamina. Saturday night we decided to have a marriage meeting. It was a very good talk and we decided that we might be happier being roommates. We both felt relieved. Neither of us is interested in imploding our lives. We both love the house and yard and our lives together aside from the relationship dynamics. This revelation has been a long time coming but I would say it became more apparent during the past few weeks when we barely saw each other and it was actually really ok with the both of us. I discovered that not only am I already totally used to not spending time with S but that a female brain is more important to me than a female body part. It's something some of us, who are into women who are masculine of center have been asked. Would you date a transman? Would you date a transwoman? I've never cared to date either, to be honest, but that's not my situation. Now I've experienced both and I guess my answer is that I'd rather date a trans woman if given the 2 choices. We have already started sorting things out and redoing our spaces to fit our new dynamic. I bought a TV for my room since I've been wanting to spend more time there. The only reason I went into the living room was to watch TV and it's been by myself for a while. I just don't care for it. I need to get a handle on clutter piles that are mostly mine. I've got a pile for face masks, a pile for art stuff and a pile for gardening stuff. I want to organize it and have things looking neater. I also ordered some twinkly fairy lights for my room. I used to do that back in my younger baccalaureate days and I always loved the warm light it brought into the room. I'm excited! I also am evaluating my closet space to make room for mushroom stuff.
I feel good about things and I don't feel like we are failures. I'm hoping we can sustain things as they are but even if we can't, over time, maybe that will give us time to work things out better. I don't know. I just know that we have always been adaptable and flexible. I know that we want each other to be happy and feel loved. I know we want to do that for each other but we just can't seem to be what the other person needs and trying to make it work out the best we can. I also said I wanted to be able to date C. We have been really good for each other. He seems totally on board for it and possibly relieved that's a mantle he will no longer have to carry. C is more than happy to have me and we are both very invested in putting the work in that is needed but at this time it doesn't seem to really need much work. We hit occasional snags though and we talk through it and it's good.
Hormones change more than appearances. I can say Shaun truly has a male brain and I don't do well with male brains. Never have.
The Covid count is at nearly 1 million for known cases in the US and over 50K for known deaths in the US. I'm hoping I get to see it turn over to 1 mil. I think there should be like an explosion of confetti or something. Don't judge my dark humor.
I feel good about things and I don't feel like we are failures. I'm hoping we can sustain things as they are but even if we can't, over time, maybe that will give us time to work things out better. I don't know. I just know that we have always been adaptable and flexible. I know that we want each other to be happy and feel loved. I know we want to do that for each other but we just can't seem to be what the other person needs and trying to make it work out the best we can. I also said I wanted to be able to date C. We have been really good for each other. He seems totally on board for it and possibly relieved that's a mantle he will no longer have to carry. C is more than happy to have me and we are both very invested in putting the work in that is needed but at this time it doesn't seem to really need much work. We hit occasional snags though and we talk through it and it's good.
Hormones change more than appearances. I can say Shaun truly has a male brain and I don't do well with male brains. Never have.
The Covid count is at nearly 1 million for known cases in the US and over 50K for known deaths in the US. I'm hoping I get to see it turn over to 1 mil. I think there should be like an explosion of confetti or something. Don't judge my dark humor.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Too Close to Home
I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since my last update. Things move so fast but at the same time it's been pretty steady. Like a rocket steadily shooting up into space. About a week and a half ago I got home from work and S was still up. He was home that night. He said he felt like crap. He's a king of vaguery so I have to ask a bazillion questions to get the facts out of him. What he described basically sounded like a sinus thing but I asked him to call the doc anyway just to basically start a paper trail if needed. He argued a bit about it and said if he wasn't feeling better by the end of the weekend he'd call her. After all it was Easter weekend so he didn't want to bother anyone. He ended up sleeping that day and when he woke up he felt worse. I pushed again for him to call the doc and he ended up calling the doc over his work and the guy in charge of the Corona response either over Travis county or all of Texas. I forget which. Anyway, he talked to him for a good 20 minutes and announced to me that he was no longer able to go back to work until he tested negative and would I prefer him to go stay in their quarantine hotel? Um hell yes. Go! He started packing and by the end of it he was feeling really weak and winded. He left and I started wiping everything down.
Here we are 10 days later. We have both tested negative and I feel fine but he continues to be sick with no improvements. Mostly what he feels is overall pain, probably due to a fibromyalgia flare up, and general weakness and malaise. He is back home but I have him in quarantine at home. He is relegated to his room, his bathroom and the garage. I bring him hot meals when I'm able to and he asks for it. Everything else he has access to on his side of the house. Just a few minutes ago he said his oxygen saturation went into the 70s for a bit and took 5 minutes to get up to 97%. I'm concerned about him needing oxygen or worse, a ventilator. Prognosis is really not good for people with Covid who end up on vents. Most of them die and they die alone. I'm going to try not to go there mentally because that's a bad place. He is emailing the doc and hopefully he will be okay until more assessments can be made. The test has a 30% false negative rate so we can't just assume he's really negative and if he is negative and they won't retest then they need to be testing him for whatever it is he does have so he can get treatment for it because this shit is not going away. Since both of us have tested negative, they allowed me to come back to work. I have mixed feelings about it because I feel like the collective relief over our test results is a false sense of security. I don't believe Shaun is truly negative for it, and I think he should still be in quarantine away from me. I have high risk of carrying this thing to my patient which is super scary. It's a hard line to walk. I am doing everything I can to be safe though.
The other frustrating thing is trying to walk that precarious walk of taking this illness very seriously with also needing to cut through any bullshit because Shaun is notorious for exaggerating illness to get attention, which he refuses to accept responsibility for. He gets angry if I even suggest it but it's happened so much it's definitely a pattern. He likes being fussed over and taken care of which is hard wired into him by his mother. She's the same way. Okay I get it but in this situation there's way more at stake so we can't be doing this fuckery dance we usually do. I need numbers and facts and all that other psychological bullshit needs to take a backseat for other less serious stuff. So I basically waffle between being worried and irritated. I really can't deal with the baggage right now and wish I could make it stop, at least for this. He usually gets it if I have him pretend he's a caller and how much his answers would irritate him if someone else were answering the same way. GRRRR! It gets me worked up just thinking about it. Happy thoughts. Happy trees. Happy flowers. *sigh and deep breaths*
I feel like we're all just waiting to take our turns in the barrel.
Count is over 840k known cases so far and almost 47K known deaths in the US. I think I might invest in a UV wand for some stuff. I'm kinda scared to touch my cat after S pets him. This world is so fucked up.
Here we are 10 days later. We have both tested negative and I feel fine but he continues to be sick with no improvements. Mostly what he feels is overall pain, probably due to a fibromyalgia flare up, and general weakness and malaise. He is back home but I have him in quarantine at home. He is relegated to his room, his bathroom and the garage. I bring him hot meals when I'm able to and he asks for it. Everything else he has access to on his side of the house. Just a few minutes ago he said his oxygen saturation went into the 70s for a bit and took 5 minutes to get up to 97%. I'm concerned about him needing oxygen or worse, a ventilator. Prognosis is really not good for people with Covid who end up on vents. Most of them die and they die alone. I'm going to try not to go there mentally because that's a bad place. He is emailing the doc and hopefully he will be okay until more assessments can be made. The test has a 30% false negative rate so we can't just assume he's really negative and if he is negative and they won't retest then they need to be testing him for whatever it is he does have so he can get treatment for it because this shit is not going away. Since both of us have tested negative, they allowed me to come back to work. I have mixed feelings about it because I feel like the collective relief over our test results is a false sense of security. I don't believe Shaun is truly negative for it, and I think he should still be in quarantine away from me. I have high risk of carrying this thing to my patient which is super scary. It's a hard line to walk. I am doing everything I can to be safe though.
The other frustrating thing is trying to walk that precarious walk of taking this illness very seriously with also needing to cut through any bullshit because Shaun is notorious for exaggerating illness to get attention, which he refuses to accept responsibility for. He gets angry if I even suggest it but it's happened so much it's definitely a pattern. He likes being fussed over and taken care of which is hard wired into him by his mother. She's the same way. Okay I get it but in this situation there's way more at stake so we can't be doing this fuckery dance we usually do. I need numbers and facts and all that other psychological bullshit needs to take a backseat for other less serious stuff. So I basically waffle between being worried and irritated. I really can't deal with the baggage right now and wish I could make it stop, at least for this. He usually gets it if I have him pretend he's a caller and how much his answers would irritate him if someone else were answering the same way. GRRRR! It gets me worked up just thinking about it. Happy thoughts. Happy trees. Happy flowers. *sigh and deep breaths*
I feel like we're all just waiting to take our turns in the barrel.
Count is over 840k known cases so far and almost 47K known deaths in the US. I think I might invest in a UV wand for some stuff. I'm kinda scared to touch my cat after S pets him. This world is so fucked up.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Circling the Drain
We now have over 160K *known* cases of Covid19. Since we continue to have a massive shortage of tests and testing, that number is certainly much higher and there are no signs of slowing. The bodies pile up and the unemployment soars. It will continue since our country isn't really serious about distancing from one another to stop it or do massive testing to know who needs to be quarantined.
I am able to handle this now. A few days ago I was only sleeping maybe 4 hours a day *with* a sleeping pill. I was exausted and a wreck. I was going down a very dark path that was not going to end well. I decided to try a big dose of mushrooms to reset my brain. I was nervous because generally that kind of thing is not recommended if you are not in a good head space but I felt it was worth the risk. I'm so glad I did that because it did exactly what I hoped. The first hour after taking them I always feel very anxious and uncomfortable. I get visions of a sterile white room with a weird little factory machine pumping out weird useless little things. I hate it because it is completely void of meaning or emotion. It gives me an empty feeling. This time I was determined to try to deal with that first bit and try to get through it in a more constructive way. This time I found a good kundalini guided meditation and I had my trusty trip partner to help me through it. I curled in a ball and listened to the voice in the video. I had the creepy factory visions for a short time but was able to redirect my mind to better, more soothing things. I felt my tension release into tears. I wept for a good 30 minutes, tears free flowing down my cheeks and I was grateful for it. I felt my walls dissolve and my angst flow out of my body. After that 30 minutes I hid under my blanket in the smallest ball I could be and laid my head down on my trip partner. She talked to me with soothing tones and held me. After that 1st hour it was sweet relief. I was smiling again and felt free in my soul. I had visions of being in the canopy of a vast forest with ferns and mosses leading up to an open cavern. The earth was fertile, the plants healthy. It was a perfect natural balance. There were clear pools of water. The temperature was perfect. It felt like I was getting a loving embrace from Mother Earth. It was absolutely lovely and perfect for what I needed. After that I was able to sleep without meds and I felt happy and comfortable. Upon waking, I still felt really good but could tell it was on fragile ground. Within another 24 hours after that I felt happy and strong. I can even look at the news now without feeling like I am spiraling. I am able to process it in a different way. Instead of looking at it as all death and destruction, I looked at it as more of a painful restructuring that was necessary. I felt like this is the earth attempting a reboot.
Will humans learn from this and fix things that desperately need fixing? We haven't up until now because business was booming and change was impossible without great sacrifice. Now we are being forced into a situation which causes collapse in the most unexpected ways so perhaps after a total collapse we will then be able to rebuild things in a better way. I say perhaps because I love me some fiction. I don't believe in humans being able to change but I also want to be wrong about that. In a way I feel honored to be alive during this period because this is a very pivotal point on the time line. This is a major thing that will be taught in history classes forever. I get to be alive for it. I get to see it first hand. That's kind of cool if you look at it like that. It's rather terrifying to be in it if you look too closely. I am in a better position than most, however. We have "essential" jobs in the healthcare industry. We make enough money to eat. We have insurance and money in savings.
I don't know what's going to happen. I only know that the numbers are shooting up so fast it makes my head spin and it is still difficult for me to accept that this is all happening. That it's real and not a dream. I no longer see very many people making light hearted jokes about it. I think over time we will start to see a lot of mental deterioration as people get more desperate with no escape.
My garden is finished with only 2 plants from a big box store. I got close but then the garden centers closed. Now I am just going to wait and see what grows and hope I get most of it going. I kind of wish I would have planted actual food but I think we'll be ok. The wild things will have plenty to eat in my backyard. I already have a Gulf Fritillary caterpillar on its host plant. That is so exciting to me! That's my focus right now. It's what gives me peace.
I will likely post again next week as things are changing so rapidly.
I am able to handle this now. A few days ago I was only sleeping maybe 4 hours a day *with* a sleeping pill. I was exausted and a wreck. I was going down a very dark path that was not going to end well. I decided to try a big dose of mushrooms to reset my brain. I was nervous because generally that kind of thing is not recommended if you are not in a good head space but I felt it was worth the risk. I'm so glad I did that because it did exactly what I hoped. The first hour after taking them I always feel very anxious and uncomfortable. I get visions of a sterile white room with a weird little factory machine pumping out weird useless little things. I hate it because it is completely void of meaning or emotion. It gives me an empty feeling. This time I was determined to try to deal with that first bit and try to get through it in a more constructive way. This time I found a good kundalini guided meditation and I had my trusty trip partner to help me through it. I curled in a ball and listened to the voice in the video. I had the creepy factory visions for a short time but was able to redirect my mind to better, more soothing things. I felt my tension release into tears. I wept for a good 30 minutes, tears free flowing down my cheeks and I was grateful for it. I felt my walls dissolve and my angst flow out of my body. After that 30 minutes I hid under my blanket in the smallest ball I could be and laid my head down on my trip partner. She talked to me with soothing tones and held me. After that 1st hour it was sweet relief. I was smiling again and felt free in my soul. I had visions of being in the canopy of a vast forest with ferns and mosses leading up to an open cavern. The earth was fertile, the plants healthy. It was a perfect natural balance. There were clear pools of water. The temperature was perfect. It felt like I was getting a loving embrace from Mother Earth. It was absolutely lovely and perfect for what I needed. After that I was able to sleep without meds and I felt happy and comfortable. Upon waking, I still felt really good but could tell it was on fragile ground. Within another 24 hours after that I felt happy and strong. I can even look at the news now without feeling like I am spiraling. I am able to process it in a different way. Instead of looking at it as all death and destruction, I looked at it as more of a painful restructuring that was necessary. I felt like this is the earth attempting a reboot.
Will humans learn from this and fix things that desperately need fixing? We haven't up until now because business was booming and change was impossible without great sacrifice. Now we are being forced into a situation which causes collapse in the most unexpected ways so perhaps after a total collapse we will then be able to rebuild things in a better way. I say perhaps because I love me some fiction. I don't believe in humans being able to change but I also want to be wrong about that. In a way I feel honored to be alive during this period because this is a very pivotal point on the time line. This is a major thing that will be taught in history classes forever. I get to be alive for it. I get to see it first hand. That's kind of cool if you look at it like that. It's rather terrifying to be in it if you look too closely. I am in a better position than most, however. We have "essential" jobs in the healthcare industry. We make enough money to eat. We have insurance and money in savings.
I don't know what's going to happen. I only know that the numbers are shooting up so fast it makes my head spin and it is still difficult for me to accept that this is all happening. That it's real and not a dream. I no longer see very many people making light hearted jokes about it. I think over time we will start to see a lot of mental deterioration as people get more desperate with no escape.
My garden is finished with only 2 plants from a big box store. I got close but then the garden centers closed. Now I am just going to wait and see what grows and hope I get most of it going. I kind of wish I would have planted actual food but I think we'll be ok. The wild things will have plenty to eat in my backyard. I already have a Gulf Fritillary caterpillar on its host plant. That is so exciting to me! That's my focus right now. It's what gives me peace.
I will likely post again next week as things are changing so rapidly.
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Standing in the Shadow
It feels like things are moving in slow motion but at the same time so quickly my head is spinning. Since the initial mayhem and panic have hit the country, I have only ventured out once to the grocery store. I went to the liquor store nearby and could see people going in and out like they would on a normal busy day but not like the few days before where there were lines wrapped around the building. I also just wanted to see for myself what it was like inside. I would say the store was maybe 75% stocked. Actually better than I anticipated. There was plenty of dairy and that was probably a new shipment but most of the isles containing pasta, meat, canned goods, toilet paper and long lasting veggies were mostly empty. I did manage to get most things I was looking for. I'm really glad we are fully stocked up on toilet paper, paper towels and meat though.
As the stories are pouring in from the different states and from different countries my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I feel like we are all standing in the shadow of the biggest tsunami of our lives. That's the slow motion part. A real one would have wiped us out by now but this one is going to take the next several months to do its damage. Americans have gotten so spoiled and pampered with our lifestyles that it has been damn near impossible to get the majority on board with doing what needs to be done to lessen the carnage. Because of that, our worthless government and current regime have been more worried about appearances and stock prices than saving lives. That kind of almost abstract idea isn't what keeps me up at night. What keeps me up is seeing stories of ventilators being jerry rigged to support multiple patients at a time. That has NEVER been done and is frankly, terrifying. The hospitals are begging civilians with sewing machines to download patterns for face masks and make cloth ones to send in to be sterilized due to lack of supplies for healthcare workers. Nurses and doctors are being pulled from retirement due to lack of staffing. Loads of people are losing their jobs due to places of business shutting down. We are all really seeing what we are made of right now. Schools have shut down during spring break but I think they won't be taking kids back until next Fall or even later. Everything is crumbling. Some people are aware of it and a sad large number are still not. There are still kids partying on the beach. My own parents are pretty flippant about the whole thing, even though one of my sisters has the virus. Her symptoms aren't severe right now but from what I understand, it's not until the 2nd or 3rd week that the symptoms get really bad and she isn't even a week into it yet.
It's not even like I think the human race is worth saving. I think of this virus as a kind of chemo therapy with humans being the cancer. It's harsh and severe and kills off good stuff but it attacks the cancer. I mean let's face it. The earth has stage 4 cancer with us on it. We'll never all die but this will be a culling like none of us alive right now has ever seen. When it's over, we will all know someone personally who got the virus or died from it. My mom is still planning to go on her cruise in September, assuming they don't cancel it and she's hoping for a room upgrade. She has jokes about it. I don't find it funny. I mean if people dropped dead instantly maybe I could find humor in it but this one involves a lot of suffering. It's a harsh kind of death where you basically drown in your own lung blood. But, what will be will be. My mother has the information and can make her own decisions.
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my garden and willing it to grow so I can sit in it with my headphones in and block out the world around me and find a bit of solace. Things are starting to grow in it. I don't expect everything I planted to grow but hopefully enough will grow to make it look pretty and inviting. Gardening helps me because I see nature and wildlife carrying on as usual, unaware of the struggles of humans. It's comforting and grounding for me. Also doing something that helps nature in some small way is a way of apologizing for my footprint and the destruction humans have brought to this earth.
For some this is a calling and for others it's a culling. For a few it will be both. This year will be living in a moment of time that will be recorded in history for later generations to study. It's an important time, scary for the ones living in it but also in its own way a privilege to witness in person. I think if I can see it from far away like that, like a person in the future looking back at an event, it might help quell my anxiety but my normal way of dealing, which is to remain in the present, doesn't help much because the shit is hitting the fan in the present.
Until then, I will keep working in my garden and hopefully get all my buying in before we are in total lockdown and just try to focus as much as I can in the ever shrinking bubble of things I actually have control over. I'll walk through my garden, checking the plants carefully to figure out what they need, keep fresh food out for the hummingbirds and just notice the gifts and the beauty around me that I helped to create, and try not the think of the bodies piling up outside that.
As the stories are pouring in from the different states and from different countries my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I feel like we are all standing in the shadow of the biggest tsunami of our lives. That's the slow motion part. A real one would have wiped us out by now but this one is going to take the next several months to do its damage. Americans have gotten so spoiled and pampered with our lifestyles that it has been damn near impossible to get the majority on board with doing what needs to be done to lessen the carnage. Because of that, our worthless government and current regime have been more worried about appearances and stock prices than saving lives. That kind of almost abstract idea isn't what keeps me up at night. What keeps me up is seeing stories of ventilators being jerry rigged to support multiple patients at a time. That has NEVER been done and is frankly, terrifying. The hospitals are begging civilians with sewing machines to download patterns for face masks and make cloth ones to send in to be sterilized due to lack of supplies for healthcare workers. Nurses and doctors are being pulled from retirement due to lack of staffing. Loads of people are losing their jobs due to places of business shutting down. We are all really seeing what we are made of right now. Schools have shut down during spring break but I think they won't be taking kids back until next Fall or even later. Everything is crumbling. Some people are aware of it and a sad large number are still not. There are still kids partying on the beach. My own parents are pretty flippant about the whole thing, even though one of my sisters has the virus. Her symptoms aren't severe right now but from what I understand, it's not until the 2nd or 3rd week that the symptoms get really bad and she isn't even a week into it yet.
It's not even like I think the human race is worth saving. I think of this virus as a kind of chemo therapy with humans being the cancer. It's harsh and severe and kills off good stuff but it attacks the cancer. I mean let's face it. The earth has stage 4 cancer with us on it. We'll never all die but this will be a culling like none of us alive right now has ever seen. When it's over, we will all know someone personally who got the virus or died from it. My mom is still planning to go on her cruise in September, assuming they don't cancel it and she's hoping for a room upgrade. She has jokes about it. I don't find it funny. I mean if people dropped dead instantly maybe I could find humor in it but this one involves a lot of suffering. It's a harsh kind of death where you basically drown in your own lung blood. But, what will be will be. My mother has the information and can make her own decisions.
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my garden and willing it to grow so I can sit in it with my headphones in and block out the world around me and find a bit of solace. Things are starting to grow in it. I don't expect everything I planted to grow but hopefully enough will grow to make it look pretty and inviting. Gardening helps me because I see nature and wildlife carrying on as usual, unaware of the struggles of humans. It's comforting and grounding for me. Also doing something that helps nature in some small way is a way of apologizing for my footprint and the destruction humans have brought to this earth.
For some this is a calling and for others it's a culling. For a few it will be both. This year will be living in a moment of time that will be recorded in history for later generations to study. It's an important time, scary for the ones living in it but also in its own way a privilege to witness in person. I think if I can see it from far away like that, like a person in the future looking back at an event, it might help quell my anxiety but my normal way of dealing, which is to remain in the present, doesn't help much because the shit is hitting the fan in the present.
Until then, I will keep working in my garden and hopefully get all my buying in before we are in total lockdown and just try to focus as much as I can in the ever shrinking bubble of things I actually have control over. I'll walk through my garden, checking the plants carefully to figure out what they need, keep fresh food out for the hummingbirds and just notice the gifts and the beauty around me that I helped to create, and try not the think of the bodies piling up outside that.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
It's the End of the World As We Know It
Holy shit. I mean, none of this will be news to anyone reading this now but maybe it will be useful to someone somewhere sometime? Just a few weeks ago I made a doctor's appointment to address my ongoing sinus issues and a worldwide pandemic wasn't even in my radar. In just that 1-2 weeks' time I was thinking how ridiculous it was for me to go to the doctor right now for such a minor thing. Thankfully the decision was made for me and my appointment was cancelled due to my doc being ill. We are in major crisis mode and it's so much worse than most people realize. Governments are lying their asses off about how many people are infected. In the US we can't even get tests so it's just totally a guess and all "confirmed" cases are just based off the very few tests that are given. Not accurate at all! While this may seem like some conspiracy theory stuff, AuThatsstin was reporting only a few cases of infected people and in EMS there were at least 6 people infected and NONE of those were reported on. It was all on the down low. The only cases being reported on are either high profile people or people on the edge of death. It's frightening, alarming and fascinating how fast this is all moving. I mean we've seen it in the movies but it seems so unreal and now we are living it. I'm actually around to witness a pandemic. It seems to be going easy on the kids and killing off the old and weak. I mean, that kinda seems like nature right? On a completely abstract level, we could use a good culling. I'm not being mean here, just practical. In just the last few weeks there's been a huge decline in air pollution just from people not traveling. It's like nature was saying, "Oh you need more motivation to fix your shit? Here, let me help you." The worst thing for me personally is that while we did stock up before the mass hysteria hit, we will, at some point, need to go grocery shopping and the grocery stores are all empty! It's absolute madness. Lines going around the block, people waiting hours and then there's nothing to buy. It's complete craziness. So half the people now have a year's worth of food and the other half nothing. It really speaks to how selfish our social construct has become. People are fighting over paper that wipes shit from your skin. I mean think about it. If we got shit on any other part of our body, would we wipe it off with paper and call it clean? Hell no! But that's what we do and now people are fighting over the fucking toilet paper. Like full on brawls! We have plenty but I bought a pack of bar towels that we can cut up and use if this keeps going the way it is. People are hoarding water... like somehow we will run out of water because of a virus? Seriously, this is just more proof that we need to be eliminated. The human race is too stupid to live. I have basically cancelled all social plans involving crowds for at least the next year. I don't want to risk getting my patient sick. I could probably survive it ok but he probably can't. If something happens to him I don't want me to be the cause of it. I don't think I could live with that. I feel so bad for his poor mom. She is so worried and upset. I've been spending a bunch of time and money on planting in my garden so that will be my refuge at least until winter. I'm nearly done planting in it. Just mostly waiting on stuff to hurry up and grow. I've got a few warmer weather plants I'm waiting to plant because most things are still dormant.
Cady is still very much in my life, thankfully. She is part of that which gives me peace and happiness so we are trying to sort out our new dynamic. That's really all I'm going to say about that.
I was really excited yesterday because I planted a few passion flower vines, which are host plants to the Gulf Fritillary butterfly and I saw one scoping out my vines! I don't know if it laid an egg but it was spending quite a bit of time inspecting the plants and also scoping out the rest of the yard, like it was deciding if the whole area was acceptable. So cool! Also the bulbs I have planted aer starting to sprout. I've seen maybe 3 of them sprout and it's so exciting. I'm always amazed when I plant things and they actually survive. I'm definitely not a green thumb person. I may need to buy a few flats of parsley if my little sprouts don't make it. Those are host plants to Black Swallowtail butterflies. I also have milkweed for the Monarchs and Pipevine for Pipevine Swallowtails. Yesterday I planted tons of Zinnias and some red sunflowers that were an impulse buy. I'm just so hoping everything grows and I can create an amazing garden that attracts lots of life. I need that in myl ife.
I will try to update this in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see how much crazier things have gotten in that time.
Cady is still very much in my life, thankfully. She is part of that which gives me peace and happiness so we are trying to sort out our new dynamic. That's really all I'm going to say about that.
I was really excited yesterday because I planted a few passion flower vines, which are host plants to the Gulf Fritillary butterfly and I saw one scoping out my vines! I don't know if it laid an egg but it was spending quite a bit of time inspecting the plants and also scoping out the rest of the yard, like it was deciding if the whole area was acceptable. So cool! Also the bulbs I have planted aer starting to sprout. I've seen maybe 3 of them sprout and it's so exciting. I'm always amazed when I plant things and they actually survive. I'm definitely not a green thumb person. I may need to buy a few flats of parsley if my little sprouts don't make it. Those are host plants to Black Swallowtail butterflies. I also have milkweed for the Monarchs and Pipevine for Pipevine Swallowtails. Yesterday I planted tons of Zinnias and some red sunflowers that were an impulse buy. I'm just so hoping everything grows and I can create an amazing garden that attracts lots of life. I need that in myl ife.
I will try to update this in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see how much crazier things have gotten in that time.
Sunday, February 9, 2020
Cruise, relationship stuff and gardening
A lot has happened in the last several months and it wasn't
pleasant. Shaun and I hit a really rough patch, some individual stuff
and some that was changes in our relationship, imo, due to personality
changes induced by testosterone. He will have his own opinions about
this but I was feeling blown off, uncared for, unloved and like I was
just a burden to him. He was emotionally disconnected and cold,
suspicious of my every word and seemed to only see me in the most
negative light possible. From my stand point, he was turning into a
caricature of the worst kind of douchy "bro" I've ever witnessed in
person. Nothing I said seemed to penetrate. He was completely unaware
of himself and honestly had zero fucks to become aware. I guess that's
what "ignorance is bliss" means. If you are emotionally disconnected,
you couldn't care about anything even if you tried. You have to have
some kind of emotional connection to have access to things like empathy,
compassion and all the GOOD parts about humans. He started seeing his
own therapist for his reasons and I found a therapist that fit for my
needs. At first we went as a couple but I was getting frustrated
because he was not being honest in the sessions and sometimes treated it
like a joke. I went on my own because I needed someone in my corner.
He had that. Seriously, it was getting to the point that I wasn't sure
we'd have a marriage in the next few months. It got bad. I decided not
to blog about it as it was happening because of the people that would
be reading it, which includes Shaun.
Recently, due to some personal health issues he's had, he has gotten back on a low dose of estrogen, which may seem weird but all of us have all the hormones. It's a matter of how much of which, which determines whether our bodies express one gender variant over another. At the time he had NO estrogen and it was causing him some problems. He attributes this small dose of estrogen to his turn around in now actually becoming a kinder, gentler and less dickish person. I don't know that that's really what caused it, nor am I confident that this turn around is permanent but I'll take it as long as I can get it and hope that it's a real change that is here to stay. I saw some very similar behaviors reported by someone else close to me whose husband was shooting up black market testosterone. I think of it like a poison and yes, I see testosterone has something that produces soulless, heartless assholes. It's all about the balance I guess.
We've also made a few changes in our relationship that could either make or break it but so far, it seems to be a good thing. I got my own checking account for one. I have half my paycheck deposited in the joint account for bills, have my car and dental payments taken of my account and the rest I'm spending on my gardening stuff. That way he's less controlling of my spending, which was really pissing me off. Alternatively, I have given up the fight of trying to get Shaun to be on his devices less. Nearly every waking hour he has his face in a device. This is a fight we've had for years and it goes nowhere. He's addicted to it completely. I'm doing my own thing and no longer fighting him on it. If he wants to spend his life diverted from actually living it, then so be it. It's his life. I know he appreciates me being less controlling of him as well. The thing that makes me most happy in life right now is my back yard. I just spent a fortune getting it made over so I can start planting in it and making it an oasis for myself, butterflies, bees and hummingbirds. Since it's not quite planting season yet, I'm not doing much with it but I did buy a few blueberry bushes that have to live in containers to survive here. I'm SO EXCITED! I found pink lemonade blueberries! Yes that is a real thing! I got a blue variety as well and some cloth planting bags to put them in. I just ordered a small greenhouse to go on one small patio I had made and a large expanding trellis for all the vine plants that will be going in. My plan is to support butterflies from eggs to old age. I've been doing research on what certain butterflies need to eat as catepillars, as well as what the adults like. I've got butterfly houses and will be doing puddling as well. I'm also planning on getting 1 or 2 bat houses. I have a bee house already on my big tree. I will have several fruit trees but I haven't decided whether or not I'll be buying them this Spring or waiting until the fall to do it. I know it's better in the fall but I'm also impatient. I plan to get some thornless blackberries and possibly strawberries. I've got a lot of things on the list. I suspect it will take me at least a year or two to get the garden mostly filled out due to the sheer expense of it but I'm finding ways to make it as affordable as possible. I cannot WAIT to get a passion flower vine. They are the COOLEST flowers! I have so many lists in my mind and still trying to figure out what's going to go where so I can get the best space going possible.
Things are going well with Cady and I. We are cooling off a bit, which is good, so we can actually get adulting things done that need to be done and we aren't super clingy on each other all the time. I'm so happy to have someone to do outdoorsy stuff with me too.
Shaun and I just got back from a cruise to the Carribean and this time we got a suite on the ship. I don't know if I can ever go back to a regular room! Not only was the room AMAZING but the perks that came with it were just off the chain. The treatment alone was like peasants vs. royalty. Aside from me getting sick on day 2, we had a blast. Shaun spent one night sleeping on our very large balcony and he said it was one of the best nights sleep he's ever had. My favorite thing was snorkeling in Grand Caymans. The water was such a gorgeous shade of turquoise and the coral seemed healthy. There were thousands of gorgeous colorful fish and groups of sting rays just gliding on through like a flock of graceful birds. OMG SO AMAZING! I wish I could snorkel there every day of my life. It was so peaceful and beautiful!
I think the vacation was good for my relationship with Shaun. This was the first time we ever did anything independent of one another and it was good. Sometimes I hung out at the pool by myself or went to my favorite martini bar by myself while Shaun went to the casino. We'd meet back up whenever one was done with the other. It wasn't tense or weird at all. It was good. I think, at least with this particular bump in the relationship, we'll be okay.
We just found out Shaun's bro is getting stationed in Germany this year and going to be there for a while so I'm pushing for us to plan our next vacation there. I'd love to see Germany and it would be a great way for them to see each other. He may be there 4 years and that's a long time to go without seeing family. We'll see what happens there.
I think that's all I've got to report for now, so until next time.
Recently, due to some personal health issues he's had, he has gotten back on a low dose of estrogen, which may seem weird but all of us have all the hormones. It's a matter of how much of which, which determines whether our bodies express one gender variant over another. At the time he had NO estrogen and it was causing him some problems. He attributes this small dose of estrogen to his turn around in now actually becoming a kinder, gentler and less dickish person. I don't know that that's really what caused it, nor am I confident that this turn around is permanent but I'll take it as long as I can get it and hope that it's a real change that is here to stay. I saw some very similar behaviors reported by someone else close to me whose husband was shooting up black market testosterone. I think of it like a poison and yes, I see testosterone has something that produces soulless, heartless assholes. It's all about the balance I guess.
We've also made a few changes in our relationship that could either make or break it but so far, it seems to be a good thing. I got my own checking account for one. I have half my paycheck deposited in the joint account for bills, have my car and dental payments taken of my account and the rest I'm spending on my gardening stuff. That way he's less controlling of my spending, which was really pissing me off. Alternatively, I have given up the fight of trying to get Shaun to be on his devices less. Nearly every waking hour he has his face in a device. This is a fight we've had for years and it goes nowhere. He's addicted to it completely. I'm doing my own thing and no longer fighting him on it. If he wants to spend his life diverted from actually living it, then so be it. It's his life. I know he appreciates me being less controlling of him as well. The thing that makes me most happy in life right now is my back yard. I just spent a fortune getting it made over so I can start planting in it and making it an oasis for myself, butterflies, bees and hummingbirds. Since it's not quite planting season yet, I'm not doing much with it but I did buy a few blueberry bushes that have to live in containers to survive here. I'm SO EXCITED! I found pink lemonade blueberries! Yes that is a real thing! I got a blue variety as well and some cloth planting bags to put them in. I just ordered a small greenhouse to go on one small patio I had made and a large expanding trellis for all the vine plants that will be going in. My plan is to support butterflies from eggs to old age. I've been doing research on what certain butterflies need to eat as catepillars, as well as what the adults like. I've got butterfly houses and will be doing puddling as well. I'm also planning on getting 1 or 2 bat houses. I have a bee house already on my big tree. I will have several fruit trees but I haven't decided whether or not I'll be buying them this Spring or waiting until the fall to do it. I know it's better in the fall but I'm also impatient. I plan to get some thornless blackberries and possibly strawberries. I've got a lot of things on the list. I suspect it will take me at least a year or two to get the garden mostly filled out due to the sheer expense of it but I'm finding ways to make it as affordable as possible. I cannot WAIT to get a passion flower vine. They are the COOLEST flowers! I have so many lists in my mind and still trying to figure out what's going to go where so I can get the best space going possible.
Things are going well with Cady and I. We are cooling off a bit, which is good, so we can actually get adulting things done that need to be done and we aren't super clingy on each other all the time. I'm so happy to have someone to do outdoorsy stuff with me too.
Shaun and I just got back from a cruise to the Carribean and this time we got a suite on the ship. I don't know if I can ever go back to a regular room! Not only was the room AMAZING but the perks that came with it were just off the chain. The treatment alone was like peasants vs. royalty. Aside from me getting sick on day 2, we had a blast. Shaun spent one night sleeping on our very large balcony and he said it was one of the best nights sleep he's ever had. My favorite thing was snorkeling in Grand Caymans. The water was such a gorgeous shade of turquoise and the coral seemed healthy. There were thousands of gorgeous colorful fish and groups of sting rays just gliding on through like a flock of graceful birds. OMG SO AMAZING! I wish I could snorkel there every day of my life. It was so peaceful and beautiful!
I think the vacation was good for my relationship with Shaun. This was the first time we ever did anything independent of one another and it was good. Sometimes I hung out at the pool by myself or went to my favorite martini bar by myself while Shaun went to the casino. We'd meet back up whenever one was done with the other. It wasn't tense or weird at all. It was good. I think, at least with this particular bump in the relationship, we'll be okay.
We just found out Shaun's bro is getting stationed in Germany this year and going to be there for a while so I'm pushing for us to plan our next vacation there. I'd love to see Germany and it would be a great way for them to see each other. He may be there 4 years and that's a long time to go without seeing family. We'll see what happens there.
I think that's all I've got to report for now, so until next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)