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Two nights ago I left a message for my doc.  I gave her a head's up of what has been going on in my life and how my emotions are taking a major dose dive.  I have only confided in a few people and really only one knew everything.  Tonight I got in a bit of an attempted teaching moment regarding the current craziness in our country of racial tensions and police brutality.  Someone in my family commented a typical bigoted comment on another family's post and I decided to chime in.  It went nowhere, of course, but it triggered a small but maybe necessary shift through a short conversation with her in messenger.  I started by telling her I went ahead and blocked the "Becky".  Honestly I don't even know if she's a Becky or a Karen or a Susan but she's a shitty white lady just the same and an embarrassment to my DNA line.  I told her the gist of what I've been going through and how I've been wishing I could die so I can stop my pain.  She told me about a woman who's on Netflix I should watch. I was skeptical because I thought, Oh yay.  Here's someone who is going to give me a great message that *could* help a relationship if both partners watched it, absorbed it and applied it to their lives together, but in my situation it wouldn't work because there's only one of us willing to do anything like that.  It wasn't.  It was good actually.  I felt better.  I feel a sense of direction which is something I need in life.  I had a short but important dialogue with S through messenger as well.  In his mind, if I urge him to make changes to his behavior I am not accepting of him.  I must accept all the behaviors if I am to accept him as a person.  He has decided not to engage in any type of therapy or self help other than just living his life as he is and how he wants and that is his version of self love and acceptance.  That is not my way.  My way takes a lot of work and the work never ends.  I see now that only certain types of people can be okay with being with me and it is not for the weak.  It is not for people who cannot commit to working on themselves as a lifestyle.  I get it.  Everyone is different.  The path he chooses is his alone to walk and I cannot walk another person's path for them.  I tend to want people to walk with me and sometimes it ends up in my dragging them halfway and that can't last forever.  Both of us get tired.  I have no idea what my future will hold.  Hopefully things will work out and honestly, one way or another, they always have, even if I could not see a way out.  I will likely get a prescription for antidepressants and I may or may not take them right away but I do want to continue to find avenues and people who may help me put myself on a better and healthier path.  I want to get into meditation more too.  I am not too far gone yet. I still enjoy my butterflies and my gardening.  I am practicing more self love and compassion for myself.  I would like to be able to self regulate my emotions better and depend on others less to find balance.  For a long time S and I have said that we had a codependant relationship and since it was mutual it was okay but now that no longer serves us.  It is going to take a while to release old habits we have developed as a couple that no longer serve us so I have set some boundaries and I believe he will respect them.  He has a white knight thing and wants to fix but he can't fix something while also breaking it.  It's confusing for me and causes more pain. 

C and I will be separated from each other for a few weeks since her wife and kid and two nephews are back in town and they have had over a week of careless visiting with no social distancing and no cares towards protecting against Covid and since I am charged with the care of a sweet little boy who could be killed by the virus I will do what needs to be done because I will not be careless and put him in danger.  In that time I will take care of myself and try to get on a better path.

Speaking of my little guy, yesterday I was holding back tears at work and asked his mom for a hug.  She then also voluntold her son to hug me.  He did and he said, "You're so cute".  I mean, he's just repeating what I always tell him but still... He's a little light in my dark world and I am so grateful for him and his family.