We now have over 160K *known* cases of Covid19. Since we continue to have a massive shortage of tests and testing, that number is certainly much higher and there are no signs of slowing. The bodies pile up and the unemployment soars. It will continue since our country isn't really serious about distancing from one another to stop it or do massive testing to know who needs to be quarantined.
I am able to handle this now. A few days ago I was only sleeping maybe 4 hours a day *with* a sleeping pill. I was exausted and a wreck. I was going down a very dark path that was not going to end well. I decided to try a big dose of mushrooms to reset my brain. I was nervous because generally that kind of thing is not recommended if you are not in a good head space but I felt it was worth the risk. I'm so glad I did that because it did exactly what I hoped. The first hour after taking them I always feel very anxious and uncomfortable. I get visions of a sterile white room with a weird little factory machine pumping out weird useless little things. I hate it because it is completely void of meaning or emotion. It gives me an empty feeling. This time I was determined to try to deal with that first bit and try to get through it in a more constructive way. This time I found a good kundalini guided meditation and I had my trusty trip partner to help me through it. I curled in a ball and listened to the voice in the video. I had the creepy factory visions for a short time but was able to redirect my mind to better, more soothing things. I felt my tension release into tears. I wept for a good 30 minutes, tears free flowing down my cheeks and I was grateful for it. I felt my walls dissolve and my angst flow out of my body. After that 30 minutes I hid under my blanket in the smallest ball I could be and laid my head down on my trip partner. She talked to me with soothing tones and held me. After that 1st hour it was sweet relief. I was smiling again and felt free in my soul. I had visions of being in the canopy of a vast forest with ferns and mosses leading up to an open cavern. The earth was fertile, the plants healthy. It was a perfect natural balance. There were clear pools of water. The temperature was perfect. It felt like I was getting a loving embrace from Mother Earth. It was absolutely lovely and perfect for what I needed. After that I was able to sleep without meds and I felt happy and comfortable. Upon waking, I still felt really good but could tell it was on fragile ground. Within another 24 hours after that I felt happy and strong. I can even look at the news now without feeling like I am spiraling. I am able to process it in a different way. Instead of looking at it as all death and destruction, I looked at it as more of a painful restructuring that was necessary. I felt like this is the earth attempting a reboot.
Will humans learn from this and fix things that desperately need fixing? We haven't up until now because business was booming and change was impossible without great sacrifice. Now we are being forced into a situation which causes collapse in the most unexpected ways so perhaps after a total collapse we will then be able to rebuild things in a better way. I say perhaps because I love me some fiction. I don't believe in humans being able to change but I also want to be wrong about that. In a way I feel honored to be alive during this period because this is a very pivotal point on the time line. This is a major thing that will be taught in history classes forever. I get to be alive for it. I get to see it first hand. That's kind of cool if you look at it like that. It's rather terrifying to be in it if you look too closely. I am in a better position than most, however. We have "essential" jobs in the healthcare industry. We make enough money to eat. We have insurance and money in savings.
I don't know what's going to happen. I only know that the numbers are shooting up so fast it makes my head spin and it is still difficult for me to accept that this is all happening. That it's real and not a dream. I no longer see very many people making light hearted jokes about it. I think over time we will start to see a lot of mental deterioration as people get more desperate with no escape.
My garden is finished with only 2 plants from a big box store. I got close but then the garden centers closed. Now I am just going to wait and see what grows and hope I get most of it going. I kind of wish I would have planted actual food but I think we'll be ok. The wild things will have plenty to eat in my backyard. I already have a Gulf Fritillary caterpillar on its host plant. That is so exciting to me! That's my focus right now. It's what gives me peace.
I will likely post again next week as things are changing so rapidly.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Standing in the Shadow
It feels like things are moving in slow motion but at the same time so quickly my head is spinning. Since the initial mayhem and panic have hit the country, I have only ventured out once to the grocery store. I went to the liquor store nearby and could see people going in and out like they would on a normal busy day but not like the few days before where there were lines wrapped around the building. I also just wanted to see for myself what it was like inside. I would say the store was maybe 75% stocked. Actually better than I anticipated. There was plenty of dairy and that was probably a new shipment but most of the isles containing pasta, meat, canned goods, toilet paper and long lasting veggies were mostly empty. I did manage to get most things I was looking for. I'm really glad we are fully stocked up on toilet paper, paper towels and meat though.
As the stories are pouring in from the different states and from different countries my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I feel like we are all standing in the shadow of the biggest tsunami of our lives. That's the slow motion part. A real one would have wiped us out by now but this one is going to take the next several months to do its damage. Americans have gotten so spoiled and pampered with our lifestyles that it has been damn near impossible to get the majority on board with doing what needs to be done to lessen the carnage. Because of that, our worthless government and current regime have been more worried about appearances and stock prices than saving lives. That kind of almost abstract idea isn't what keeps me up at night. What keeps me up is seeing stories of ventilators being jerry rigged to support multiple patients at a time. That has NEVER been done and is frankly, terrifying. The hospitals are begging civilians with sewing machines to download patterns for face masks and make cloth ones to send in to be sterilized due to lack of supplies for healthcare workers. Nurses and doctors are being pulled from retirement due to lack of staffing. Loads of people are losing their jobs due to places of business shutting down. We are all really seeing what we are made of right now. Schools have shut down during spring break but I think they won't be taking kids back until next Fall or even later. Everything is crumbling. Some people are aware of it and a sad large number are still not. There are still kids partying on the beach. My own parents are pretty flippant about the whole thing, even though one of my sisters has the virus. Her symptoms aren't severe right now but from what I understand, it's not until the 2nd or 3rd week that the symptoms get really bad and she isn't even a week into it yet.
It's not even like I think the human race is worth saving. I think of this virus as a kind of chemo therapy with humans being the cancer. It's harsh and severe and kills off good stuff but it attacks the cancer. I mean let's face it. The earth has stage 4 cancer with us on it. We'll never all die but this will be a culling like none of us alive right now has ever seen. When it's over, we will all know someone personally who got the virus or died from it. My mom is still planning to go on her cruise in September, assuming they don't cancel it and she's hoping for a room upgrade. She has jokes about it. I don't find it funny. I mean if people dropped dead instantly maybe I could find humor in it but this one involves a lot of suffering. It's a harsh kind of death where you basically drown in your own lung blood. But, what will be will be. My mother has the information and can make her own decisions.
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my garden and willing it to grow so I can sit in it with my headphones in and block out the world around me and find a bit of solace. Things are starting to grow in it. I don't expect everything I planted to grow but hopefully enough will grow to make it look pretty and inviting. Gardening helps me because I see nature and wildlife carrying on as usual, unaware of the struggles of humans. It's comforting and grounding for me. Also doing something that helps nature in some small way is a way of apologizing for my footprint and the destruction humans have brought to this earth.
For some this is a calling and for others it's a culling. For a few it will be both. This year will be living in a moment of time that will be recorded in history for later generations to study. It's an important time, scary for the ones living in it but also in its own way a privilege to witness in person. I think if I can see it from far away like that, like a person in the future looking back at an event, it might help quell my anxiety but my normal way of dealing, which is to remain in the present, doesn't help much because the shit is hitting the fan in the present.
Until then, I will keep working in my garden and hopefully get all my buying in before we are in total lockdown and just try to focus as much as I can in the ever shrinking bubble of things I actually have control over. I'll walk through my garden, checking the plants carefully to figure out what they need, keep fresh food out for the hummingbirds and just notice the gifts and the beauty around me that I helped to create, and try not the think of the bodies piling up outside that.
As the stories are pouring in from the different states and from different countries my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I feel like we are all standing in the shadow of the biggest tsunami of our lives. That's the slow motion part. A real one would have wiped us out by now but this one is going to take the next several months to do its damage. Americans have gotten so spoiled and pampered with our lifestyles that it has been damn near impossible to get the majority on board with doing what needs to be done to lessen the carnage. Because of that, our worthless government and current regime have been more worried about appearances and stock prices than saving lives. That kind of almost abstract idea isn't what keeps me up at night. What keeps me up is seeing stories of ventilators being jerry rigged to support multiple patients at a time. That has NEVER been done and is frankly, terrifying. The hospitals are begging civilians with sewing machines to download patterns for face masks and make cloth ones to send in to be sterilized due to lack of supplies for healthcare workers. Nurses and doctors are being pulled from retirement due to lack of staffing. Loads of people are losing their jobs due to places of business shutting down. We are all really seeing what we are made of right now. Schools have shut down during spring break but I think they won't be taking kids back until next Fall or even later. Everything is crumbling. Some people are aware of it and a sad large number are still not. There are still kids partying on the beach. My own parents are pretty flippant about the whole thing, even though one of my sisters has the virus. Her symptoms aren't severe right now but from what I understand, it's not until the 2nd or 3rd week that the symptoms get really bad and she isn't even a week into it yet.
It's not even like I think the human race is worth saving. I think of this virus as a kind of chemo therapy with humans being the cancer. It's harsh and severe and kills off good stuff but it attacks the cancer. I mean let's face it. The earth has stage 4 cancer with us on it. We'll never all die but this will be a culling like none of us alive right now has ever seen. When it's over, we will all know someone personally who got the virus or died from it. My mom is still planning to go on her cruise in September, assuming they don't cancel it and she's hoping for a room upgrade. She has jokes about it. I don't find it funny. I mean if people dropped dead instantly maybe I could find humor in it but this one involves a lot of suffering. It's a harsh kind of death where you basically drown in your own lung blood. But, what will be will be. My mother has the information and can make her own decisions.
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my garden and willing it to grow so I can sit in it with my headphones in and block out the world around me and find a bit of solace. Things are starting to grow in it. I don't expect everything I planted to grow but hopefully enough will grow to make it look pretty and inviting. Gardening helps me because I see nature and wildlife carrying on as usual, unaware of the struggles of humans. It's comforting and grounding for me. Also doing something that helps nature in some small way is a way of apologizing for my footprint and the destruction humans have brought to this earth.
For some this is a calling and for others it's a culling. For a few it will be both. This year will be living in a moment of time that will be recorded in history for later generations to study. It's an important time, scary for the ones living in it but also in its own way a privilege to witness in person. I think if I can see it from far away like that, like a person in the future looking back at an event, it might help quell my anxiety but my normal way of dealing, which is to remain in the present, doesn't help much because the shit is hitting the fan in the present.
Until then, I will keep working in my garden and hopefully get all my buying in before we are in total lockdown and just try to focus as much as I can in the ever shrinking bubble of things I actually have control over. I'll walk through my garden, checking the plants carefully to figure out what they need, keep fresh food out for the hummingbirds and just notice the gifts and the beauty around me that I helped to create, and try not the think of the bodies piling up outside that.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
It's the End of the World As We Know It
Holy shit. I mean, none of this will be news to anyone reading this now but maybe it will be useful to someone somewhere sometime? Just a few weeks ago I made a doctor's appointment to address my ongoing sinus issues and a worldwide pandemic wasn't even in my radar. In just that 1-2 weeks' time I was thinking how ridiculous it was for me to go to the doctor right now for such a minor thing. Thankfully the decision was made for me and my appointment was cancelled due to my doc being ill. We are in major crisis mode and it's so much worse than most people realize. Governments are lying their asses off about how many people are infected. In the US we can't even get tests so it's just totally a guess and all "confirmed" cases are just based off the very few tests that are given. Not accurate at all! While this may seem like some conspiracy theory stuff, AuThatsstin was reporting only a few cases of infected people and in EMS there were at least 6 people infected and NONE of those were reported on. It was all on the down low. The only cases being reported on are either high profile people or people on the edge of death. It's frightening, alarming and fascinating how fast this is all moving. I mean we've seen it in the movies but it seems so unreal and now we are living it. I'm actually around to witness a pandemic. It seems to be going easy on the kids and killing off the old and weak. I mean, that kinda seems like nature right? On a completely abstract level, we could use a good culling. I'm not being mean here, just practical. In just the last few weeks there's been a huge decline in air pollution just from people not traveling. It's like nature was saying, "Oh you need more motivation to fix your shit? Here, let me help you." The worst thing for me personally is that while we did stock up before the mass hysteria hit, we will, at some point, need to go grocery shopping and the grocery stores are all empty! It's absolute madness. Lines going around the block, people waiting hours and then there's nothing to buy. It's complete craziness. So half the people now have a year's worth of food and the other half nothing. It really speaks to how selfish our social construct has become. People are fighting over paper that wipes shit from your skin. I mean think about it. If we got shit on any other part of our body, would we wipe it off with paper and call it clean? Hell no! But that's what we do and now people are fighting over the fucking toilet paper. Like full on brawls! We have plenty but I bought a pack of bar towels that we can cut up and use if this keeps going the way it is. People are hoarding water... like somehow we will run out of water because of a virus? Seriously, this is just more proof that we need to be eliminated. The human race is too stupid to live. I have basically cancelled all social plans involving crowds for at least the next year. I don't want to risk getting my patient sick. I could probably survive it ok but he probably can't. If something happens to him I don't want me to be the cause of it. I don't think I could live with that. I feel so bad for his poor mom. She is so worried and upset. I've been spending a bunch of time and money on planting in my garden so that will be my refuge at least until winter. I'm nearly done planting in it. Just mostly waiting on stuff to hurry up and grow. I've got a few warmer weather plants I'm waiting to plant because most things are still dormant.
Cady is still very much in my life, thankfully. She is part of that which gives me peace and happiness so we are trying to sort out our new dynamic. That's really all I'm going to say about that.
I was really excited yesterday because I planted a few passion flower vines, which are host plants to the Gulf Fritillary butterfly and I saw one scoping out my vines! I don't know if it laid an egg but it was spending quite a bit of time inspecting the plants and also scoping out the rest of the yard, like it was deciding if the whole area was acceptable. So cool! Also the bulbs I have planted aer starting to sprout. I've seen maybe 3 of them sprout and it's so exciting. I'm always amazed when I plant things and they actually survive. I'm definitely not a green thumb person. I may need to buy a few flats of parsley if my little sprouts don't make it. Those are host plants to Black Swallowtail butterflies. I also have milkweed for the Monarchs and Pipevine for Pipevine Swallowtails. Yesterday I planted tons of Zinnias and some red sunflowers that were an impulse buy. I'm just so hoping everything grows and I can create an amazing garden that attracts lots of life. I need that in myl ife.
I will try to update this in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see how much crazier things have gotten in that time.
Cady is still very much in my life, thankfully. She is part of that which gives me peace and happiness so we are trying to sort out our new dynamic. That's really all I'm going to say about that.
I was really excited yesterday because I planted a few passion flower vines, which are host plants to the Gulf Fritillary butterfly and I saw one scoping out my vines! I don't know if it laid an egg but it was spending quite a bit of time inspecting the plants and also scoping out the rest of the yard, like it was deciding if the whole area was acceptable. So cool! Also the bulbs I have planted aer starting to sprout. I've seen maybe 3 of them sprout and it's so exciting. I'm always amazed when I plant things and they actually survive. I'm definitely not a green thumb person. I may need to buy a few flats of parsley if my little sprouts don't make it. Those are host plants to Black Swallowtail butterflies. I also have milkweed for the Monarchs and Pipevine for Pipevine Swallowtails. Yesterday I planted tons of Zinnias and some red sunflowers that were an impulse buy. I'm just so hoping everything grows and I can create an amazing garden that attracts lots of life. I need that in myl ife.
I will try to update this in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see how much crazier things have gotten in that time.
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