It feels like things are moving in slow motion but at the same time so quickly my head is spinning. Since the initial mayhem and panic have hit the country, I have only ventured out once to the grocery store. I went to the liquor store nearby and could see people going in and out like they would on a normal busy day but not like the few days before where there were lines wrapped around the building. I also just wanted to see for myself what it was like inside. I would say the store was maybe 75% stocked. Actually better than I anticipated. There was plenty of dairy and that was probably a new shipment but most of the isles containing pasta, meat, canned goods, toilet paper and long lasting veggies were mostly empty. I did manage to get most things I was looking for. I'm really glad we are fully stocked up on toilet paper, paper towels and meat though.
As the stories are pouring in from the different states and from different countries my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I feel like we are all standing in the shadow of the biggest tsunami of our lives. That's the slow motion part. A real one would have wiped us out by now but this one is going to take the next several months to do its damage. Americans have gotten so spoiled and pampered with our lifestyles that it has been damn near impossible to get the majority on board with doing what needs to be done to lessen the carnage. Because of that, our worthless government and current regime have been more worried about appearances and stock prices than saving lives. That kind of almost abstract idea isn't what keeps me up at night. What keeps me up is seeing stories of ventilators being jerry rigged to support multiple patients at a time. That has NEVER been done and is frankly, terrifying. The hospitals are begging civilians with sewing machines to download patterns for face masks and make cloth ones to send in to be sterilized due to lack of supplies for healthcare workers. Nurses and doctors are being pulled from retirement due to lack of staffing. Loads of people are losing their jobs due to places of business shutting down. We are all really seeing what we are made of right now. Schools have shut down during spring break but I think they won't be taking kids back until next Fall or even later. Everything is crumbling. Some people are aware of it and a sad large number are still not. There are still kids partying on the beach. My own parents are pretty flippant about the whole thing, even though one of my sisters has the virus. Her symptoms aren't severe right now but from what I understand, it's not until the 2nd or 3rd week that the symptoms get really bad and she isn't even a week into it yet.
It's not even like I think the human race is worth saving. I think of this virus as a kind of chemo therapy with humans being the cancer. It's harsh and severe and kills off good stuff but it attacks the cancer. I mean let's face it. The earth has stage 4 cancer with us on it. We'll never all die but this will be a culling like none of us alive right now has ever seen. When it's over, we will all know someone personally who got the virus or died from it. My mom is still planning to go on her cruise in September, assuming they don't cancel it and she's hoping for a room upgrade. She has jokes about it. I don't find it funny. I mean if people dropped dead instantly maybe I could find humor in it but this one involves a lot of suffering. It's a harsh kind of death where you basically drown in your own lung blood. But, what will be will be. My mother has the information and can make her own decisions.
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my garden and willing it to grow so I can sit in it with my headphones in and block out the world around me and find a bit of solace. Things are starting to grow in it. I don't expect everything I planted to grow but hopefully enough will grow to make it look pretty and inviting. Gardening helps me because I see nature and wildlife carrying on as usual, unaware of the struggles of humans. It's comforting and grounding for me. Also doing something that helps nature in some small way is a way of apologizing for my footprint and the destruction humans have brought to this earth.
For some this is a calling and for others it's a culling. For a few it will be both. This year will be living in a moment of time that will be recorded in history for later generations to study. It's an important time, scary for the ones living in it but also in its own way a privilege to witness in person. I think if I can see it from far away like that, like a person in the future looking back at an event, it might help quell my anxiety but my normal way of dealing, which is to remain in the present, doesn't help much because the shit is hitting the fan in the present.
Until then, I will keep working in my garden and hopefully get all my buying in before we are in total lockdown and just try to focus as much as I can in the ever shrinking bubble of things I actually have control over. I'll walk through my garden, checking the plants carefully to figure out what they need, keep fresh food out for the hummingbirds and just notice the gifts and the beauty around me that I helped to create, and try not the think of the bodies piling up outside that.
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