Pretty much everything.
First of all, I'd have my nose in a book from 9th to 12th grade. I'd spend a lot more time studying, learning and preparing for my dream job and less time worrying about blending in with the crowd and my "love" life. I mean, I didn't know myself back then. Well I did but I was freaked out about it. I was the weird kid where I lived and I hated it. If I went back now, I would celebrate it and not give a single shit about how it came across. I would work my ass off to get great grades, take tons of science and math classes, go to college and get my degree in... Oh, I wonder if anyone would ever even guess. Art? No. Nursing? No again.
Astronomy.
I'd get my degree in Astronomy and the second I got my piece of paper I'd get the fuck out of Utah.
That's right. I don't know much about it but I'm totally obsessed with the Universe beyond our planet. I really have no adequate words to describe the level of awe I have for it. Nebulae, stars that would dwarf our sun, black holes... there is so much mystery and I think some of the creatures on the planet come from somewhere else. It's like the ultimate weird! I love it so hard! It's exactly like microbiology if you just take the scale out of it. There are so many similarities but just knowing how tiny of a speck our planet is in the Universe just amazes me.
It's partly the cause of my disengagement from a lot of woes on the earth. It just seems, ultimately, insignificant. It's like we're all on a holodeck just acting out parts in order to experience certain sensations or emotions to be downloaded into the cosmic hard drive. Every angle and every emotion, every experience... all going into the same core to gain a total perspective of the Truth. Each of a single cell in a large body having our own experience but affecting the Whole.
Then I see how hard the cells try to seem independent and important... relevant. Well I mean each cell is important but it's important as part of a collective. Humans have a hard time with that, I think. They can't deal with not being important or remembered or noticed. They can't deal with being insignificant because they must have meaning to their suffering. For some reason, personal meaning isn't enough. Their suffering must have meaning to the Collective to be worth something. Why is that?
I like the idea of leaving no footprint when I go except I know that isn't true. As a human... as all humans do, we leave an imprint of destruction. We consume resources and take land away for our homes and stores and parking lots. That's the legacy we all leave when we die and then we get buried and take up a ton of land with useless lawns and endless acres of artificially preserved dead flesh that is completely forgotten about within a few generations.
I saw a news article recently, followed by a bunch of others from scientists that say we are in an era of extinction and it will happen within the next 40-100 years. I'll be 84 at the youngest. My generation may be the last generation that dies of old age on the planet while others continue to breed and what will be there for their children when they become adults? Humans cannot handle the idea of this so they pretend it isn't going to happen and just go about life as usual and they will until the last second... until the water starts seeping into their nostrils and choking them. Then the religious freaks will say the bible predicted it and the rest will be so shocked like they never saw it coming. I see it as a self-fulfilling prophecy because the religious freaks need that validation so they will make sure it happens to get it.
The Earth will live on though. After the humans wipe themselves out, the planet will find balance again. The richest people will be able to stockpile and survive and will start over. They will own everything and have slaves and rebuild and the story repeats itself over and over. In the meantime, all will be completely insignificant in the Universe. Whatever happens on our tiny blue dot won't matter in the slightest what happens to the rest of the Universe.
