A couple of questions answered that are really gay.

Once in a while, I come across an ignorant ass who asks an ignorant question.  Sometimes, it's a question I read in the comment section of an article.  There are a couple in particular I'd like to address.  I give fair warning that when it comes to certain topics, my sarcasm is often on, and in full force.  I'll try to be as civil as I possibly can.

First question:  Why do gay people have to "come out of the closet"?  Interpretation:  I can only understand a reality only based on my own experiences and do not have the capacity to see out of the tiny pinhole that is my universe.

Answer:  When it comes to sexual orientation, everyone is going to be assumed straight unless otherwise indicated.  Still, you may say, it's a personal matter that needs to be kept to oneself.  I would say this is true... as long as you have no family, no friends and no job.  Oops, might also make it hard to meet someone but I guess if you are against being gay, then you will be okay living a life of solitude.  That way, no one can know this most personal thing about you.  Orrrrr you can just close your eyes for a moment, and pretend you had a girlfriend or a boyfriend (whichever is opposite sex for you) whom you really loved.  Maybe you think you want to spend your life with this person.  Oops, but guess what?  There's something about them your parents will disapprove of.  Well you don't want to deal with the wrath of your parents so every holiday, every birthday, every special day that your family normally sees you at, you'll have to leave that person you love at home.  No sharing any memories.  Same with work parties, or social outings with your friends.  No matter how much you love that person, they have to be your dirty little secret to hide away.  In the meantime, this person may or may not be willing to put up with your total cowardice and that you would rather cow to all these people who aren't living your life, aren't holding your hand when you are sick or in pain, aren't holding you when you wake up with nightmares, aren't investing all their work and tears and efforts on you, and make them more important that the person who IS doing all those things.

Well I suppose you could take this person out with you.  They could be your "special friend".  Oops, still treating them like you are ashamed of them in order to cater to other people's comfort levels for the few minutes they will actually spend time around you.  Will you be willing to sacrifice this person and have a life of solitude in order to placate complete strangers who care only of their own comforts and want nothing more than to tell you how horrible of a person you are and how you are cursed forever unless you somehow figure out a way to be attracted to their person of choice?  Only you can answer that.

Oh yeah and how about when you keep getting older and your dear old mom keeps asking when she's going to have grand kids.  She keeps setting you up with people, hoping for a love connection.  Every day you feel like you are living a lie to please others.  How long can you keep it going?  How will you deal with it?  Gee, why can't life be simple and like the good old days when the family all got around and played games and laughed together?  Well see, there's where coming out comes in.  We can live a lie until we just want to jump off a fucking building in order to make the pain and lies stop, or we can just come out with it.  If the family truly loves us they will be willing to work through their feelings.  After all, we aren't suddenly different people.  There's one sliver of us that is in the light when before it wasn't.  We can still get back to the way things were, mostly.  Sometimes people are able to get past it and sometimes people aren't.  Some people are more interested in supporting illusion and perceived social rules than in building relationships and working through issues.  Yeah, there's a big growth opportunity here.  Here's where you get to see what you're made of.

Second Question:  "If a lesbian uses a dildo or strap-on, it's obvious what she really craves is a man.  Why doesn't she just date a man?"  This also goes with "If a lesbian wants to date only women, why date a woman who wants to look like a man?"

Deep breaths...

Okay first of all, my body is created to pro-create.  Therefore, it's pleasurable, sometimes, to have something in my vagina.  This is a feeling on a purely animal level.  Well there's the first clue.  Humans aren't just fuzzy little bunnies with pea brains, who exist to screw and make lots of food for other animals.  We are more complicated than that.  Since I am not just a life support system for my vagina, just because I want to feel something in my vagina, does not mean I want a huge life-support system attached to it.  I don't like the brain, the hair, the sweat, the smell, the goo... none of that.  Yuck!  I'll take mine in a box, thank you very much!

That sort of answers the second part.  If your friend Stan, next door, suddenly puts on make up and a dress, are you going to consider him dating material?  What if he changes his name to Stella?  Not then?  Why not?  I'm not interested in men and yes, I have tried them before.  I am interested in females, but I think it's hot when a female also has a masculine side.  Note I said, masculine, not male.  Those are two different things.  One has soft curves.  One doesn't.  One is more sensitive and sweet, caring, not afraid to cry.  They smell different, feel different, have different brains.  Then there's the whole vagina vs. penis part.  You want to see me start gagging uncontrollably?  Put a penis within 3 feet of my face.  Please don't.  Just trust me, it's not pretty.

Look, we all have our tastes of what we are attracted to.  Yours might be a blonde or a chunky girl with a big butt.  No one really has to understand it or approve of it, right?  You just like what you like.  You may meet some who are like Yeah, buddy!  I totally get it!  You'll have others who will think you are nuts.  So what!  If you still think it's something you need to chime in on, or still can't just be respectful of people's different tastes that have nothing to do with you, then I guess all there is to say is ignore it.  I mean, it's honestly not your business and you don't really get to have a say about who I'm with or not with.  Maybe more time ought to be spent exploring why you are so worried about it.  Where'd you get all that yucky stuff from that you hold inside of you?  How about I'll leave you alone to deal with your yucky stuff if you leave me alone to deal with mine.  Deal?

"Do what you love most and everything will work out"

"Do what you love most and everything will work out"

How many of us have heard this phrase before?  When I was a teenager, I would have said this held some water.  My parents' generation probably also found this to be true, excluding women, of course.  If you were a white man who could, at least, appear straight and possibly Christian, the sky was the limit.  It's not really that way anymore.  That notion left with the existence of Gidget and unicorns.

This post was inspired from many things but the timing was probably linked to a recent article in Huffington post, which got a lot of people "huffy" (I'm so punny).  It was about generation Y people and his views that they are having a hard time in life making it because they were raised with an attitude that everything should come easily to them because they are so amazing an awesome, or so they have been raised to believe.  Is it really doing kids a favor to have sports where no one loses or trophies and awards are given out simply for showing up?  Is it helpful to make life as fun and easy for them as possible because, after all, they are only kids once, so they should have fun while they can?  Or how about the attitude of "I want my kids to have it better than I did"?  How do you define "better"?  What I see is a lot of kids who call their parents "cheap" if they don't hand out money whenever they demand it for whatever they want, or who don't support them indefinitely because working is haaaard <insert whiny voice>.

Then I saw an article countering the other one, which mostly sounded like a generation Y person spouting off about how older people ruined everything for them and everything is too hard now and the economy sucks.  Well, I'm going to do what I do best, and that is to understand all parties.  I agree that the environment is being ruined by the "older" generations.  I agree that the economy is being ruined and everything is a huge mess.  Employment is horrid and I can't imagine being a young person starting out.  That being said, it all still sounds like a bunch of "poor me" blamey bullshit.  I'm not saying they aren't wrong or don't have a point.  What I am saying is that attitude will get them nowhere.  I mean really, if you aren't going to suck it up and adapt to the situation and stop whining, just curl up, lay down and die and stop wasting resources that can go to someone who has a little more will to live under their belt.

Life is hard for everyone right now.  We can stand around and measure who's boo boo hurts the worst if we want.  Older people have it rough because they had an easier time in their earlier adulthood.  They were able to put tons of money away in a retirement fund, which worked directly with the stock market, which was doing quite well... until it wasn't.  My parents have a lot of friends who were near or at retirement age who lost everything.  How would you like that?  You have worked your whole life, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and looking forward to a comfortable life and then BAM!  Overnight, you are looking at trying to find work when you are well past your prime.  My own parents are doing okay, for now, but are stressing over having to pay over $1200 a month for basic health insurance.  That sounds kind of crazy to me.

I am part of generation X but what I see down the road is basically working until I either die, or until I simply can't work and then I'll wander off into the desert in August and die of exposure so I don't have to feel like another useless mouth to feed.  I don't have a retirement account and I'm doing better than a lot of folks.

Okay so I'm trying to figure out how to say one more thing without incurring some possible wrath from someone I care very much about.  Well, here goes nothing.  One of my pet peeves is someone who whines incessantly about self-imposed misery.  Perhaps the person is too close to the situation to understand how the ONLY source of their misery is themselves and their poor choices.  For instance, if you decide Underwater Basket Weaving sounds really fun and you decide to spend $40,000 getting a degree in it, you really only have yourself to blame when you are struggling to maintain your household flipping burgers and paying off your ginormous student loan.  Right now is when it's time to be WISE about what kind of education you get because most people aren't getting jobs just for having a degree.  You have to get a degree in something that's actually useful and in demand.  Playtime fun degrees can come later, after your miserable career is paying the bills.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, that sounds horrible doesn't it?  Like maybe I've given up?  I have a pretty hardcore survival instinct.  My survival instinct says, get a job in something that pays well and has high security.  Hello!  I have that and I'm one of the few people not having to deal with low wages and losing my job.  Do I love my job?  No.  There are things about it I love and that's a conscious choice.  I find things to be happy about.  I find things to love about it.  I count my blessings and move on.  I can afford to take a class in Underwater Basket Weaving if that's what my heart desires.  I don't put all my eggs in the Underwater Basket Weaving career ladder and then complain CONSTANTLY and publicly to everyone I know about how poor I am, which really sounds like a passive aggressive form of begging.

So young folks, do yourselves a favor and SUCK IT UP.  I get that you can't really help the state of things outside yourself but you sure as hell can change your attitude from a shitty victim powerless mentality and put on your big-girl/boy panties and figure out a workable solution, which there *always* is.  Don't worry.  Most people won't bother.  Leave them behind to wallow in their self-pity and be the smart one who does what you have to do to survive.  Save your fun time points for other areas of life.  It can be done.

Sure, Sign Me Up!

One of the ways I have evolved over the last few years, is I am no longer rabid about "educating" the masses about all the scary and horrible things in the world, be it political, religious or whatever.  I was pretty obsessed with it and my stress levels were through the roof.  The hardest point in time, for me, would be right before the last elections when gay rights became a platform.  I was dismayed to see my humanity batted around the room like nothing more than a cat toy, while straight male politicians (experts, of course) debated whether or not I should be considered a full-human or some sort of tax-paying sub-human.  I have to at least be sub-human, otherwise I wouldn't be taxable, you see.  I don't get all the rights that I pay for, but pay I must do.  At one point, I found myself depressed and crying almost daily before I would start my shift for the night.  Everyone around me was talking about it.  I got to find out that people who didn't know I was gay, and who I had a great relationship with, hated me without them even realizing it.  I had to start taking care of myself before I went to a place I couldn't come back from.

One of the changes I made was to begin to back away from political debates.  I adopted a philosophy where I had to take a good look at these issues and determine how much, if any, control I had over the outcome.  I am talking about from a realistic sense and not some overblown ego thinking all of us can be a Martin Luther King or Ghandi.  I think some people have a calling for certain things in life and they really don't have a choice in the matter.  It's like a snowball rolling down a hill.  Well this girl can't take that kind of pressure and stress non-stop.  I was called coward, sheep, follower, bitch... Whatever the angry activists could do to try to get me to keep fighting.  They were blind to my sense of self-preservation.  I have a strong need for peace and calm.  I know, weird right?  I do have a strong activist in me.  I think I just used up most of my life's stress points and now I'm very tired... Like a deep fatigue that reaches into my very soul.  I want to be able to feel happiness in my life.  I want to feel peace and a sense of accomplishment.  I can't do that if I'm in a perpetual state of grief, panic, anger and all around negativity.  I will, however, gladly cheer on those who have it in them to fight the good fight and when they come back from the battle field all war-torn and tired, I will give them a nice dinner and prop their feet up for them.

My facebook posts have gone from mach speeds to a nice stroll, as a result.  I've cut my "friends" list down considerably.  It makes it much easier to keep up with.  I'm not part of any political groups anymore either, except food-related activism like GMO's and Monsanto.  Even that makes me weary.  One of the friends I have kept is a legal group who is dedicated to helping same-sex couples to get their legal ducks in a row in case something were to happen to one or both of them.  You know the rights... The ones straight people get without even thinking about it.  Yeah, those ones.  Anyway, they posted something about a pastor who says same-sex married couples should be put to death.  Every week I see something like this.  Every day I see another gay or trans person killed, maimed, bullied... Every day.  But today I actually shared the post.  I shared it because it made me laugh.  It's an ongoing thought I have where I have to chuckle to myself because these people who spew hate and language meant to cause fear and shame, actually think this will win converts to their side.  Really??  Maybe I'll start a bakery and make cakes and cupcakes that look like steaming piles of shit, vomit and rotting corpses.  That will sure sell them!  I mean REALLY?!  So you're telling me, that I could give up the warm place where all the good decorating is, where all the interesting people are, where I can get a good hair cut and amazing conversation, and instead go float around worshipping your god who hates me and hang out with a bunch of hateful, oppressed bigots?  Wow, sign me up!  /sarcasm.  It's no wonder the numbers of church members plummet on a daily basis.  If this is their idea of marketing some amazing thing, they need to make it look amazing.  Using scare tactics only works on children and weak-minded people.  I make it a point not to make a big decision based purely on fear and even if I were to give in to that an join some church, I'd be a liar because I won't be feeling it on the inside.

I do have spiritual beliefs actually, and they get stronger every day, but there's no hate involved.  No judgement or punishment.  It's all about love and a process of gathering information.  To me, my mortal human life is but a blip on the time line that my soul has.  It's just one way of gathering a certain type of experience and that's what I'm doing.  I'm experiencing.  I get to choose what I want to experience and the outcome of my choices.  I get to choose how I look at things and what I learn from it.  I don't need a man to tell me how to do that.  It comes very naturally.  I don't need a special building to do it.  It's a life I live on a daily basis.  I can only hope that when those people pass to the other side, they are able to see the big picture and they are able to learn from the harm they put forth to others.

Intuition or Baggage?

Recently my husbutch talked with me about the idea of buying a house together.  My initial response?  PANIC!  It was like my life was flashing before my eyes... Well, my past rather.  On 2 separate occasions I have purchased a house with a significant other, only to live in it for a year or two and have it turn into a huge anchor around my neck as our relationship exploded into a fireball of toxic venom and shrapnel.  It did not end up being an investment for me.  Both times I signed a "quit-claim" giving them the burden as well as the benefits and I was left homeless and starting over *again*.  I've done this so many times, due to living life by the seat of my pants and throwing caution to the wind.  Over the years I have grown weary of adventure, drama and turmoil.  Mostly I have grown weary of pain and suffering.  During one of the relationships I just mentioned, I completely invested myself emotionally.  In my mind and heart it was "til death do us part" and no matter how bad it got, I was committed to staying in the relationship and working out our problems.  I trusted this and in my gut, the core of my very being, I KNEW we would be together forever.  Knew... Beyond the shadow of a doubt.  Well I was wrong.  I felt something was up but every time I asked my spouse about it, I was told I was just being paranoid.  Then one day, out of the blue, I was told I no longer had a marriage and it had been decided months ago, without my knowledge, of course.  This experience, along with the betrayal of every person who promised to be there for me, since the day I was born, has shaped how I process my life.  So the things I learned were to NEVER trust a person 100% again.  Never.  I learned that talk is cheap and that includes spoken vows.  Marriage guarantees nothing.  I learned that people lie and change their minds, promises are meaningless, and nothing is permanent.  This belief system has sent me into a panic every time I am presented with some new and normal step in my relationship that blends our lives together, especially if it's blended in a legal fashion.  It scares me to death.  From marriage, to joint checking accounts, to sharing cell phone plans, moving in together with both our names on the same lease... Now it's to buy a house.  Wow... That's huge!  I'm okay now but I've had to do a bit of mental masturbation to get there and I don't mean of the sexual kind.  I'm actually having to make a conscious choice to trust someone's word, for the millionth time and hope, that this one time, it won't blow up in my face.  I've had to completely go into my head to see this situation and ignore my screaming wounded inner self.  Most would say that's my intuition talking but is it?  I can't really tell the difference between my phobia of pain and my intuition.  Logically, I have no reason to distrust my partner.  We've been together nearly 4 years now and he's put up with so much of my crap and never talked about walking out.  No matter how horrid our fights have been in the past, he's always been willing to work things out with me.  All the people who's judgment I trust completely, have given the green light and thumbs up after meeting him.  He's always been a very responsible and loyal person throughout his life.  I think it's safe to say that my anxiety is purely based on baggage and not on intuition.  It's a gamble I'm willing to take now.  All I want in life is to have stability, a healthy relationship and a satisfying life.  I can't have those things if I'm willing to let my past rule my present and future.  Another important step I'm taking is to forgive myself for poor judgment in the past.  I bash on myself constantly for being too this or not enough that.  I've always done that.  I'm tired.  Very, very tired.  Tired of fighting with myself and with the world.  I want to be as happy as possible and in order to be happy, I have to let go of my pain, my past, my unreachable expectation of myself and others, and just be.  Let myself enjoy the now.