One of the ways I have evolved over the last few years, is I am no longer rabid about "educating" the masses about all the scary and horrible things in the world, be it political, religious or whatever. I was pretty obsessed with it and my stress levels were through the roof. The hardest point in time, for me, would be right before the last elections when gay rights became a platform. I was dismayed to see my humanity batted around the room like nothing more than a cat toy, while straight male politicians (experts, of course) debated whether or not I should be considered a full-human or some sort of tax-paying sub-human. I have to at least be sub-human, otherwise I wouldn't be taxable, you see. I don't get all the rights that I pay for, but pay I must do. At one point, I found myself depressed and crying almost daily before I would start my shift for the night. Everyone around me was talking about it. I got to find out that people who didn't know I was gay, and who I had a great relationship with, hated me without them even realizing it. I had to start taking care of myself before I went to a place I couldn't come back from.
One of the changes I made was to begin to back away from political debates. I adopted a philosophy where I had to take a good look at these issues and determine how much, if any, control I had over the outcome. I am talking about from a realistic sense and not some overblown ego thinking all of us can be a Martin Luther King or Ghandi. I think some people have a calling for certain things in life and they really don't have a choice in the matter. It's like a snowball rolling down a hill. Well this girl can't take that kind of pressure and stress non-stop. I was called coward, sheep, follower, bitch... Whatever the angry activists could do to try to get me to keep fighting. They were blind to my sense of self-preservation. I have a strong need for peace and calm. I know, weird right? I do have a strong activist in me. I think I just used up most of my life's stress points and now I'm very tired... Like a deep fatigue that reaches into my very soul. I want to be able to feel happiness in my life. I want to feel peace and a sense of accomplishment. I can't do that if I'm in a perpetual state of grief, panic, anger and all around negativity. I will, however, gladly cheer on those who have it in them to fight the good fight and when they come back from the battle field all war-torn and tired, I will give them a nice dinner and prop their feet up for them.
My facebook posts have gone from mach speeds to a nice stroll, as a result. I've cut my "friends" list down considerably. It makes it much easier to keep up with. I'm not part of any political groups anymore either, except food-related activism like GMO's and Monsanto. Even that makes me weary. One of the friends I have kept is a legal group who is dedicated to helping same-sex couples to get their legal ducks in a row in case something were to happen to one or both of them. You know the rights... The ones straight people get without even thinking about it. Yeah, those ones. Anyway, they posted something about a pastor who says same-sex married couples should be put to death. Every week I see something like this. Every day I see another gay or trans person killed, maimed, bullied... Every day. But today I actually shared the post. I shared it because it made me laugh. It's an ongoing thought I have where I have to chuckle to myself because these people who spew hate and language meant to cause fear and shame, actually think this will win converts to their side. Really?? Maybe I'll start a bakery and make cakes and cupcakes that look like steaming piles of shit, vomit and rotting corpses. That will sure sell them! I mean REALLY?! So you're telling me, that I could give up the warm place where all the good decorating is, where all the interesting people are, where I can get a good hair cut and amazing conversation, and instead go float around worshipping your god who hates me and hang out with a bunch of hateful, oppressed bigots? Wow, sign me up! /sarcasm. It's no wonder the numbers of church members plummet on a daily basis. If this is their idea of marketing some amazing thing, they need to make it look amazing. Using scare tactics only works on children and weak-minded people. I make it a point not to make a big decision based purely on fear and even if I were to give in to that an join some church, I'd be a liar because I won't be feeling it on the inside.
I do have spiritual beliefs actually, and they get stronger every day, but there's no hate involved. No judgement or punishment. It's all about love and a process of gathering information. To me, my mortal human life is but a blip on the time line that my soul has. It's just one way of gathering a certain type of experience and that's what I'm doing. I'm experiencing. I get to choose what I want to experience and the outcome of my choices. I get to choose how I look at things and what I learn from it. I don't need a man to tell me how to do that. It comes very naturally. I don't need a special building to do it. It's a life I live on a daily basis. I can only hope that when those people pass to the other side, they are able to see the big picture and they are able to learn from the harm they put forth to others.
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