Recently my husbutch talked with me about the idea of buying a house together. My initial response? PANIC! It was like my life was flashing before my eyes... Well, my past rather. On 2 separate occasions I have purchased a house with a significant other, only to live in it for a year or two and have it turn into a huge anchor around my neck as our relationship exploded into a fireball of toxic venom and shrapnel. It did not end up being an investment for me. Both times I signed a "quit-claim" giving them the burden as well as the benefits and I was left homeless and starting over *again*. I've done this so many times, due to living life by the seat of my pants and throwing caution to the wind. Over the years I have grown weary of adventure, drama and turmoil. Mostly I have grown weary of pain and suffering. During one of the relationships I just mentioned, I completely invested myself emotionally. In my mind and heart it was "til death do us part" and no matter how bad it got, I was committed to staying in the relationship and working out our problems. I trusted this and in my gut, the core of my very being, I KNEW we would be together forever. Knew... Beyond the shadow of a doubt. Well I was wrong. I felt something was up but every time I asked my spouse about it, I was told I was just being paranoid. Then one day, out of the blue, I was told I no longer had a marriage and it had been decided months ago, without my knowledge, of course. This experience, along with the betrayal of every person who promised to be there for me, since the day I was born, has shaped how I process my life. So the things I learned were to NEVER trust a person 100% again. Never. I learned that talk is cheap and that includes spoken vows. Marriage guarantees nothing. I learned that people lie and change their minds, promises are meaningless, and nothing is permanent. This belief system has sent me into a panic every time I am presented with some new and normal step in my relationship that blends our lives together, especially if it's blended in a legal fashion. It scares me to death. From marriage, to joint checking accounts, to sharing cell phone plans, moving in together with both our names on the same lease... Now it's to buy a house. Wow... That's huge! I'm okay now but I've had to do a bit of mental masturbation to get there and I don't mean of the sexual kind. I'm actually having to make a conscious choice to trust someone's word, for the millionth time and hope, that this one time, it won't blow up in my face. I've had to completely go into my head to see this situation and ignore my screaming wounded inner self. Most would say that's my intuition talking but is it? I can't really tell the difference between my phobia of pain and my intuition. Logically, I have no reason to distrust my partner. We've been together nearly 4 years now and he's put up with so much of my crap and never talked about walking out. No matter how horrid our fights have been in the past, he's always been willing to work things out with me. All the people who's judgment I trust completely, have given the green light and thumbs up after meeting him. He's always been a very responsible and loyal person throughout his life. I think it's safe to say that my anxiety is purely based on baggage and not on intuition. It's a gamble I'm willing to take now. All I want in life is to have stability, a healthy relationship and a satisfying life. I can't have those things if I'm willing to let my past rule my present and future. Another important step I'm taking is to forgive myself for poor judgment in the past. I bash on myself constantly for being too this or not enough that. I've always done that. I'm tired. Very, very tired. Tired of fighting with myself and with the world. I want to be as happy as possible and in order to be happy, I have to let go of my pain, my past, my unreachable expectation of myself and others, and just be. Let myself enjoy the now.
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