Driven to Be

I've had some thoughts rolling around in my head lately regarding the difference between people who are driven and people who aren't.  I mean everyone has drive for something, right?  What I mean is the people who are constantly striving for more, better vs. people who are content with sameness for a long period of time.  A few years ago, a friend of mine whom I consider to be extremely driven, said people who are driven are never satisfied.  It really stuck in my head because I can relate to that.  I've always been a mover, a changer and couldn't handle the same of anything for very long... in anything really.  It was so uncommon that I can actually point out the few things that slowly changed that in me... Maybe changed isn't the right word.  I found a better balance with myself and the world around me.  My cat "Bez" was probably the first thing.  She was, by far, my longest commitment.  I remember when my then husband asked me if I ever had to choose between the two of them, who would I pick?  I said I'd keep my cat, without an instant of hesitation.  Well it was true.  I did have her longer than him and it was the better investment, honestly.  He was another one though.  Though the relationship was toxic and abusive, I chose to stay because I wanted to change this part of myself.  I said I'd stay unless there was blatant cheating or abuse, which at the time I thought of as physical.  I now know there are many types of abuse and many that are worse and longer lasting than physical abuse.  Anyway, that relationship allowed me to sort of stretch my own boundaries a bit and focus more on resolution, tolerance, communication, commitment... you know, the things that you have to do to make it in the long run.  I knew we wouldn't make it but when you don't think it's the "one", then why not get some painful growth out of the way while you can so the next one can be easier?

The next one....

The next relationship, the next house, the next move, the next hair style/color, the next car.... always looking towards the next thing... Always looking for the BEST thing.

Okay so I feel I have found my best partner in life.  It doesn't feel stale or old like things have in the past.  After 6 years I still get excited to spend time together.  My favorite time of the day or night is when we are snuggling and kissing and just being together.  It never gets old.  I don't feel like I have the "best" of anything else but I feel like everything else is pretty good.  When I think of the majority of people that I just see from the outside, people that live in the same house for 20 years, work the same job for 20 years, I wonder how they got to the point where they said, "This is it.  This is as good as it's going to get." and then stop striving for more.  I feel like that's part of the driven mentality.  That if I stop... If I say, "This is where I'm staying", then it's good but at the same time it also feels like I'm giving up.  I'm so tired though.  I mean is that normal?  I think it's normal.  Not that I would know what normal is but is that how people decide to be at an even keel?  Is part of it being able to remain living in the moment?  I love the house where I work but usually I feel like it's too easy.  It's SO peaceful and happy though so that should be satisfying... right?  Like I could just do it forever.  I can't stand living in Texas though.  I really have to work hard to ignore the bone-headed politics, policies and the red neck culture.  Are we going to be okay staying here long term?  I know they will just constantly keep trying to pass laws to continue being bigoted ignorant asses and I just want to live in peace.  Peace isn't second nature to me though.  Conflict challenges me but peace is warm and comfortable too.

I mostly feel like my life is back to what it used to be sans the shoulder issues.  I guess I'll eventually get things sorted out in my head.  I usually do.  I do have a very good life... Better than I have ever had it and actually better than I thought I'd ever have it and I am happy with it.  I just feel a little disappointed in myself that I'm going to stop fighting for more.  Is that weird?  I think I'm going in the right direction and I really feel that when I stop feeling like I need to constantly be fighting for more, that will be even more growth.  That's what I want.  I want to just be able to enjoy my life and what I have and be okay to just be.

I have another very driven friend who cannot just be.  It's impossible for her.  I think it's actually helping me to be more stable because when I see what she goes through every day, it just looks stressful and I see others like her doing the same things and I think, "This is humans trying to feel relevant.  I want to be remembered after their death... To leave a big mark.  They don't like feel like a drop in an ocean."  I don't really care if no one remembers me.  I feel special being alive during certain major events in history that I think are important but I don't feel like I need to be a Ghandi or Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King.  I'm pretty sure those people never felt like they were enough and never felt satisfied and I bet they were fucking exhausted and constant targets.  Yuck!  I'm good just being a drop in the sea and I'd rather observe things that I cannot control and not get caught up in things I have no control over and all the ills of the world.  Dealing with myself and my own baggage has been quite a feat in itself.  If only everyone could just focus on dealing with their own baggage, can you imagine how the world would change?  Instead of directing all the pain and angst and baggage outwardly and throwing blame out, if everyone took responsibility for their own lives, for their own happiness AND misery, everything would change.  It's  hard though.  It's far more difficult to face your own demons than to ignore them and start pointing out other people's junk or trying constantly to exert control over what everyone else is doing.

Yeah... That's definitely progress for me.

On that note, I'm going to wrap this up because the love of my life is going to be home soon and I'm ready to get my snuggle on.

2015 Can Suck a Bag of Dicks... Moving On...

It's been a hot minute since I last wrote...

Thank goodness we got through the holidays in one piece.  I ended up going back to work the end of September but only a few days a week and, largely due to my stress levels with dealing with the disability people, I put myself on full time work mid-December.  I have yet to be paid for November and the first 2 weeks of December but it will get worked out one way or another.  Luckily, it wasn't too awfully long before the worst of the pain in my right shoulder was behind me.  It's been probably 3 weeks or more since I had a zinger so I feel pretty good about that.  My ROM is still shit on that side but suddenly I have almost full ROM on my left side.  Still some achiness but who cares!  I can reach stuff!

So... holidays...

The only negative was the awkward visit to Alabama to visit Shaun's family.  It wasn't too horrible and thankfully it was short, but we made the excuse to take our day bed there to set up for his niece since she's nearly a teenager and still using a toddler bed.  We had to pretty much use emotional blackmail on the sister to get her to allow us into her house to set up the bed because we didn't trust that she would ever do it.  It gave her motivation to clean her house, which reeked of animal feces and urine.  She got new sheets and blankets and later we all went out and she picked out her own pillow.  I'm glad we were able to give her something of her own.  The only tense moments were when the poor child's mother just would never stop picking on her.  She's always been that way.  It's sad.

Moving on...

One of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit.  She was in town for a few days to run a marathon and spend some time with me.  It was so great.  We hung out with my bff and her honey, looked at light displays and went on a really cool Chinese lantern parade march.  I did the second half topless!  I even walked back to the car topless.  It was amazing and empowering!  I could tell people were trying to figure out if I was wearing a bikini or decal or what was going on.  Haha!  There was a drone there too.  I looked around for some footage from it but never could find it.  The march was incredible.  There must have been a thousand people there with all different kinds of lanterns all lit up and bobbing around.  The marching band played darker music which is right up my alley.  It was one of those rare treats you get living near Austin that doesn't really happen anywhere else in the bible belt.

We spent a quite New Year's Eve together, which is how we like things now.  Low key.  No drama.  Our relationship is peaceful and loving and so is our home.  Last year sucked a giant bag of dirty dicks but one great thing that came out of it is that we are stronger than ever in our relationship.  It's amazing really and something I never thought I'd have.  I'm humbled by the amount of devotion and effort Shaun put forth last year to make sure I was safe and felt loved.  Everyone should be able to experience that kind of love in their lives but probably most won't.  I consider myself very lucky.

There are lots of big things I see happening this year but one thing that has changed about me is I don't really like to talk about what might be.  I'd rather talk about it when it IS.

Until next time...