Surgery date moved up... no more chemo

I've been really struggling with the Taxol chemo treatments.  My white blood cell counts have been terrible and it seems to be something rare... or at least uncommon with this type of chemo.  On top of that, I've been super sensitive to it in that I've gotten neuropathy with the very first treatment.  This chemo is cumulative and the neuropathy can be permanent so that has really freaked me out.  I continue to have extreme fatigue, hot flashes every few hours, and sleepless nights.  This past Monday I had a Neupogen shot to help with my blood counts but Tuesday, the day of chemo, they were still in the crapper.  I had another Neupogen shot and was sent home.

We discussed our options with the doctor.  We can't keep coming in every day, expecting to get chemo and be sent home just to come in the next day.  The only real option that was given to me was to do it every 2 weeks and extend my chemo 2 more months.  No thanks!  I'd rather do the A/C chemo than the Taxol and Taxol is supposed to be the easy one!  For me it was not.  We decided to go to my surgeon and have her do an ultrasound to look at the lymph node that had cancer in it and my tumor to see how far things had progressed.  She was unable to even find the lymph node and the tumor didn't look like it was there anymore.  She said it may be remnants of a tumor or it may be repairative tissue.  Well that's pretty great news!

My doctor was fairly adamant that I should continue my treatments regardless of my side effects.  I kind of felt like she was treating me like I was a big wuss.  I also told her I had no plans to do the radiation treatments but that I'd wait to make a final decision until after the surgery, when they'd see exactly what was really inside of me still, if anything.  I'm pretty adamant that I won't do it though.

Together Shaun and I decided I would stop doing the chemo and go ahead with the surgery.  It's scheduled for May 13th.  I didn't pick the day but I am so excited it's on the 13th.  That's my favorite number!  I'm nervous and a little scared that I'm making the wrong decision but mainly I think I'm too exhausted to even celebrate.  I did celebrate a little bit with some sushi from my favorite foodie store.  I haven't been able to eat anything raw in months.  I figure, after the 2 Neulasta shots my immune system is acceptable for sushi.  I also picked up a bottle of wine but I have yet to uncork it.  I think I forgot it was in the fridge.

When we got home I was so exhausted I was about to fall over.  We decided to take a nap.  I ended up laying in bed for an hour before I finally got up.  No sleep for me... again.  Gotta love that chemo coursing through the veins!  I think it takes a long time to go away... like several months or even years.

I also got a text on my phone from a previous patient's mom that he was going on hospice.  I was actually surprised to hear from her.  I don't think I'm on her favorite person list but I'm glad she did anyway.  If I am able to attend his funeral I definitely will.  He's not even 3 yet.  So sad... He was suffering and declining a lot when I was with him though.  I wonder if her marriage will survive it.

I think I shall go take a Xanax and see if I can actually sleep tonight.  I should start counting how many hot flashes I have in a day.

Finally done with the worst of the chemo! Original date Feb 13

So good news... I'm done with the worst chemo on the face of the planet.  Thank the Universe!!!  I'm now on a chemo called Taxol, which comes with its own set of side effects.  The neuropathy is the scariest one because it could be permanent.  I heard that if you put your fingers and toes on ice it helps but that lasted all of about 5 minutes.  Who wants to feel like they are freezing for 6 hours?  Not this girl!  Also it made it impossible for me to hide under my blanket because of my positioning.  I just opted for hiding and sleeping.  The worst part is all the steroids they give during chemo.  It made it damn near impossible for me to sleep last night, even with 2 Xanax.  At least I don't have to take oral ones for the following 3 days so this will wear off.  I hear the other side effects are nails turning black and possibly fall off but they do grow back in.  Fatigue and nausea are 2 more.  I'm really dreading the nausea part but hopefully the strong ginger tea I have in the fridge will help.

My feet went back to normal.  Yay!  I also celebrated my last A/C treatment with a most fabulous weekend.  Shaun was gifted 2 tickets to see Jane Lynch on Friday, I was gifted with a Painting with a Twist painting and then the following day I went back to do another painting that I REALLY wanted to do.  Monday I visited my patient and his family.  It was a great weekend and took my mind off of things.

Speaking of "things", I'm to the point that I can barely even say the word "chemo".  I have such a strong aversion to the whole process and the place that I am looking into going to therapy for it.  The day before another treatment I'm a total ball of anxiety.  I can't believe I still have 3 months of it.  Ugh!

I have 2 funny stories to share.  The first one happened maybe a week and a half ago.  Shaun spent a bunch of money getting his truck detailed

Brain Fog and Other Unpleasantness

It's getting very difficult to update this blog due to brain fogginess.  I often think of things I want to write about but now my mind is virtually blank, except for some clouds.  I am going to start by listing all the side effects I have dealt with from head to toe.  I have tried writing lists before but then forget some of them so here goes...

Brain fog
Confusion
Short term memory loss
Headaches
Dry eyes
Blurred vision
Dulled or changed taste buds
Teeth pain
Bone pain
Dehydration
Tender nail beds
Nausea
Heart Burn
Diarrhea
Constipation
Weakness
Fatigue
Burned and blistered feet
Trouble sleeping
Fatigue
Compromised Speech
Neuropathy

My friend Ang spent the last week with us due to her having a case of Bells Palsy.  We caught it early so hopefully she will make a full recovery.  She has become extremely needy from it, which probably wouldn't normally be a problem except it's sort of sucking me dry.  It's taking a lot of energy I don't have to try to keep her feeling okay and I don't know how to say, "Hey my friend.  You need to take care of yourself now because I'm having a hard time giving you so much of my energy that I really don't have" without sounding shitty.  I love her so much but dayum on the neediness.  It's just hard because sometimes I just need to pull inside of myself to make it through a day.  I don't want to talk to anyone.  Other than that, I couldn't ask for a better friend.

While we were out, a few days ago, we witnessed a young woman running.  Apparently she was running for her life.  We asked her if she needed help and she wanted a ride somewhere.  Just then we noticed a man chasing her.  I tried to get her to get in the car but he was blocking her way, coming towards the car.  I called 911 to get the police involved and the girl ran out of our view.  I'm quite sure that she was involved in human trafficking somehow.  I can't seem to make my mind peaceful about it.  I wish I knew what happened to her.  I asked my guides to give her some extra help.  I hope we were able to give her extra time to get away and she was able to stay away from him.  I wouldn't bet money on it though.  That got me all shaky from the adrenaline rush.  Now I just feel worried and sad.

My shoulder has also been hurting for 3 months now.  I went to a doctor for it and he gave me a cortisone shot.  It's worse now than it was before.  My arm is so weak now and my shoulder constantly hurts.  I can only lay on that side for a few minutes before it's unbearable.  Monday I'm going to a physical therapist to see if anything can be done in that way.  I also have an appointment with a mental therapist and I have to go in to get a shot for my blood counts.

I am done with the AC chemo, which was the hardest one, or so they say.  Supposedly the Taxol that I'm on now is supposed to be a cinch but it's not.  My blood counts are still very low with it, even when I skipped a week of chemo.  My blood counts were even lower the following week.  Now I have to go in every Monday for labs and a shot and Tuesdays for the chemo.  I've started to color instead of going to sleep during chemo, just to see how it goes.  Last time some old man was talking my ear off and I just wanted him to stop.  He was real nice but I guess I just don't enjoy talking to people as much as I used to.  *sigh*  I feel so stupid in the brain.  I mean it's a real struggle just to type this and it seems very clunky and low level.

I guess I'll stop for now and go to bed.