Due to privacy concerns, from now on if you want to have access to my blog you'll have to become a follower. Wimpy Crying Girl is taking a back seat. Flailing Warrior Woman is in charge now.
Monday, June 8, 2020
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Glass and Blood
Happy NOT my birthday as of about an hour ago. Another disatrous birthday flushed down the great toilet of time. Lots of sleeping and crying. Lots of talking to Shaun about all the things that went wrong. Lots of too late apologies.
Have you ever seen a car windshield that got hit with something in a way that the whole thing looks like it's covered in frost but it's really just completely shattered but somehow still holding itself together by some invisible spiderwebs inside? Yes. That. Just one little nudge away from completely falling into sharp tiny shards... Only it's already too late. It's already shattered. It's just holding on to the illusion of being in one piece. It's not and I'm not.
I'm really just wondering what the point of anything is. Not just me but lots of us. My kids are dead. I'm totally replaceable in my job. My marriage exists on paper only at this point. Even my gf can't deal with me at all. Everyone likes an easy person and I'm not. I can be easy in the way any acquaintance or stranger can but I'm a shattered soul trying to appear whole. I'm not. I'm fucking bleeding like crazy and I don't know what healthy coping looks like with my type of personality. I don't know what's reasonable to do or say. I know that I'm emotionally fragile. I know I'm needy as fuck right now. It's been a very long time since I've had to go it alone and I know it's something I need to learn but in the meantime I'm Kermie flailing blood and glass everywhere. I'm not the meek lady that goes away silently in the night. I've never been her. I get angry only I haven't even had the strength to get angry. I've just been crying almost nonstop for a few weeks now. Quiet Crying Girl... Also fairly easy to deal with. Not the soul splitting screaming warrior woman in pain. Not that one. She throws glass and blood and she screams bloody murder as she's going down in flames.
I restarted myself on antidepressants on my birthday, courtesy of S. I will get a legit presecription Friday. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got and right now it's not much except a fiery spirit who at least has a spark of survival. A star burns hottest right before its death. A last gasp. I don't want to die by my own hand, though I think about it. I kind of wish it was simply my time. This world is exhausting to me. I'm exhausting to the world. We don't get along and the world isn't going anywhere so why am I still here? I'm just taking up space in a place I'm not wanted.
Monday, June 1, 2020
444
Two nights ago I left a message for my doc. I gave her a head's up of what has been going on in my life and how my emotions are taking a major dose dive. I have only confided in a few people and really only one knew everything. Tonight I got in a bit of an attempted teaching moment regarding the current craziness in our country of racial tensions and police brutality. Someone in my family commented a typical bigoted comment on another family's post and I decided to chime in. It went nowhere, of course, but it triggered a small but maybe necessary shift through a short conversation with her in messenger. I started by telling her I went ahead and blocked the "Becky". Honestly I don't even know if she's a Becky or a Karen or a Susan but she's a shitty white lady just the same and an embarrassment to my DNA line. I told her the gist of what I've been going through and how I've been wishing I could die so I can stop my pain. She told me about a woman who's on Netflix I should watch. I was skeptical because I thought, Oh yay. Here's someone who is going to give me a great message that *could* help a relationship if both partners watched it, absorbed it and applied it to their lives together, but in my situation it wouldn't work because there's only one of us willing to do anything like that. It wasn't. It was good actually. I felt better. I feel a sense of direction which is something I need in life. I had a short but important dialogue with S through messenger as well. In his mind, if I urge him to make changes to his behavior I am not accepting of him. I must accept all the behaviors if I am to accept him as a person. He has decided not to engage in any type of therapy or self help other than just living his life as he is and how he wants and that is his version of self love and acceptance. That is not my way. My way takes a lot of work and the work never ends. I see now that only certain types of people can be okay with being with me and it is not for the weak. It is not for people who cannot commit to working on themselves as a lifestyle. I get it. Everyone is different. The path he chooses is his alone to walk and I cannot walk another person's path for them. I tend to want people to walk with me and sometimes it ends up in my dragging them halfway and that can't last forever. Both of us get tired. I have no idea what my future will hold. Hopefully things will work out and honestly, one way or another, they always have, even if I could not see a way out. I will likely get a prescription for antidepressants and I may or may not take them right away but I do want to continue to find avenues and people who may help me put myself on a better and healthier path. I want to get into meditation more too. I am not too far gone yet. I still enjoy my butterflies and my gardening. I am practicing more self love and compassion for myself. I would like to be able to self regulate my emotions better and depend on others less to find balance. For a long time S and I have said that we had a codependant relationship and since it was mutual it was okay but now that no longer serves us. It is going to take a while to release old habits we have developed as a couple that no longer serve us so I have set some boundaries and I believe he will respect them. He has a white knight thing and wants to fix but he can't fix something while also breaking it. It's confusing for me and causes more pain.
C and I will be separated from each other for a few weeks since her wife and kid and two nephews are back in town and they have had over a week of careless visiting with no social distancing and no cares towards protecting against Covid and since I am charged with the care of a sweet little boy who could be killed by the virus I will do what needs to be done because I will not be careless and put him in danger. In that time I will take care of myself and try to get on a better path.
Speaking of my little guy, yesterday I was holding back tears at work and asked his mom for a hug. She then also voluntold her son to hug me. He did and he said, "You're so cute". I mean, he's just repeating what I always tell him but still... He's a little light in my dark world and I am so grateful for him and his family.
Friday, May 29, 2020
Watch it burn with grace
At this point in history we have surpassed 100K known Covid deaths in the US and tonight there are riots in the streets in most major cities over yet another murder of a black man by police. I should probably turn the news off at this point because I can feel myself getting obsessive about it.
I kind of wonder if I might be starting to be depressed but sometimes it's something that sneaks up on you. It's either that or I'm just tired of the fight. I've been more prone to tears rather than yelling. I've given up on trying to convince S to care about saving our marriage. You can't make someone love you and you can't make them care. I did make it known that I see he just gave up. He has his list of excuses why he gave up but as per usual he doesn't have much ability to look inward. He half heartedly went to 2 therapy sessions with me and that's his version of "trying everything". That's not trying. That's someone who gave up before it even got to the therapy point. It doesn't matter though. I have spent months listing to him why we are worth fighting for and at no point did he ever tell me why *HE* thinks we should fight for it. The burden has always been on me to sell it. I'm done trying to hold it all up on my own. I've fought that fight before and it can't be won. It takes two to make it work. It takes two willing to look within and to do the hard work. It takes two to take their promises to each other seriously even when things get hard. I'm not going to spend a lot of time in here listing all the details of his claims because they don't matter anymore. None of it matters anymore because he isn't willing to do the work so my focus now is on letting go and attempting to salvage a peaceful enough roommate vibe that we can sustain. I think there's about a snowball's chance in hell that will last long term but at least when it comes to the house, he is willing to put forth the effort to make it work. We will do our best and it will be what it will be.
I have put boundaries into place to hopefully make it work better and that is to cut off couple behaviors that to him are "to keep the peace" and to me are just cruel and confusing. No more hugs or kisses or cuddles. We will no longer have marriage meetings as we were but rather meetings regarding grievances or finances. Sort of the same as marriage meetings but without planning dates and there's no need to spend time complimenting one another.
I have been going through a period of time where I've been crying and psychoanalyzing every single thing about myself and every thought I have. I have discovered that you see whatever you are looking for, which I knew when it came to looking outside of myself but never thought about it in regards to how I see my insides. One thing I do could be viewed as manipulative or controlling or it could be viewed as healthy and setting healthy boundaries. It all depends on what angle you look at it from. I have decided to just do my best in life and be kinder to myself. I mean someone has to and if not me then how can I expect anyone else to? I am worthy of being fought for. I am worthy of being loved, all of me, not just the nice easy parts. If a person really loves me and is committed to me, that means they are also committed to working on things when things are tough. If they aren't willing to do that they either don't actually love me or they really aren't the right person for me. I don't believe a person can be non controversial all the time but perhaps that's only because I just don't know that experience personally. I can be difficult and challenging and I still think I'm worthy of being loved and being fought for. I still think I bring enough to the table to make it worth while. I can't do another person's work for them. I can only work on myself. I am open to doing whatever I need to do to be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday, including going to therapy if I can't figure things out myself. I think that's one major thing that is in my "must" list for a partner. They have to be willing to do all those things as well if they can't figure it out on their own. I don't have a place in my life for people who either shun medication if it's needed or professional therapy.
I've been spending more time with C and occasionally we disagree on things or hit a snag. I've been so worn out and ground down by the dynamic I've had with S for the past year that when I make the decision not to fight it just turns into tears now. I also tend to shut down which is not good but seriously I have no reserves right now. It's going to take some time for me to be okay again. I don't know when I'll stop being sad that when I finally trusted another person to keep their promises, it fell apart.
I really want to believe things happen for a reason or even at the very least, that there's some kind of great lesson to be learned in all this. What would this lesson be? It definitely would not be a hindsight lesson or anything regarding what I could have done differently. I really don't know of anything I personally could have done differently to make things turn out better than they have. The only thing I can think of is to learn that no matter what you do, no matter what safeguards you take or what promises are made, you can only control yourself and the rest is out of your hands. I have standards for myself. Other people have their own. Promises mean something to me. Working my ass off for a relationship and to be a good person means something to me. Owning my own shit means something to me. Being reliable, trustworthy and resilient means something to me. But everyone has their own set of rules to follow and they are all different. It will be what it will be. It's exhausting to be with someone who will say something one day and then change their mind the next. I like to try to be prepared for my life being upended but when you are with someone like that it's really fucking exhausting trying to prepare yourself for whatever whim they follow that will cause havoc in your life. As a teenager I thought it was fun and exciting to be unpredictable but gave those shenanigans up long ago and that is not a kind of excitement that appeals to me now. I need reliable and grounded people in my life. Observing a wild card can be fun but I don't want to live with it.
I have been getting tons of hot flashes lately so maybe my extra tears are hormone related. I don't know yet. I think tears are okay but it's just kind of not like me to be that way. I don't generally like being vulnerable in that way but I don't really know how to handle when my frustration or anger bubbles up. I'm used to being a fighter but I'm just soooooo tired so I just feel that ball of yuck inside in the pit of my stomach or chest or throat. Then it expands until it gets to my eyes and then tears just come flowing out and I want to roll in a ball and disappear. Maybe it's just me letting myself feel what I feel when I feel it. Maybe it's depression or hormones. It's new for me so I don't have much to base it on. Usually I talk to C when this happens and it helps a lot. She absolutely loves working on stuff with me. She's never had someone willing to do that with her so she loves it. I really appreciate that about her. She loves me like a verb... through actions, not just words. I can't even think about future stuff right now because it causes me so much anxiety but I can say right now it's nice to have someone to talk to and someone to work through my stuff with. Sometimes I think I should just learn to be by myself and work through all of this by myself but I'm not by myself and I don't have to so I don't think pushing away someone that cares is the right answer.
I'm just going to take things a day at a time and just focusing on doing my best, being the best person I can be, setting healthy boundaries and giving myself the love, acceptance and compassion that I need rather than being reliant on getting it elsewhere. I'm going to try to deal with my life imploding with as much grace as I can because flailing about it won't be helpful to anyone.
I kind of wonder if I might be starting to be depressed but sometimes it's something that sneaks up on you. It's either that or I'm just tired of the fight. I've been more prone to tears rather than yelling. I've given up on trying to convince S to care about saving our marriage. You can't make someone love you and you can't make them care. I did make it known that I see he just gave up. He has his list of excuses why he gave up but as per usual he doesn't have much ability to look inward. He half heartedly went to 2 therapy sessions with me and that's his version of "trying everything". That's not trying. That's someone who gave up before it even got to the therapy point. It doesn't matter though. I have spent months listing to him why we are worth fighting for and at no point did he ever tell me why *HE* thinks we should fight for it. The burden has always been on me to sell it. I'm done trying to hold it all up on my own. I've fought that fight before and it can't be won. It takes two to make it work. It takes two willing to look within and to do the hard work. It takes two to take their promises to each other seriously even when things get hard. I'm not going to spend a lot of time in here listing all the details of his claims because they don't matter anymore. None of it matters anymore because he isn't willing to do the work so my focus now is on letting go and attempting to salvage a peaceful enough roommate vibe that we can sustain. I think there's about a snowball's chance in hell that will last long term but at least when it comes to the house, he is willing to put forth the effort to make it work. We will do our best and it will be what it will be.
I have put boundaries into place to hopefully make it work better and that is to cut off couple behaviors that to him are "to keep the peace" and to me are just cruel and confusing. No more hugs or kisses or cuddles. We will no longer have marriage meetings as we were but rather meetings regarding grievances or finances. Sort of the same as marriage meetings but without planning dates and there's no need to spend time complimenting one another.
I have been going through a period of time where I've been crying and psychoanalyzing every single thing about myself and every thought I have. I have discovered that you see whatever you are looking for, which I knew when it came to looking outside of myself but never thought about it in regards to how I see my insides. One thing I do could be viewed as manipulative or controlling or it could be viewed as healthy and setting healthy boundaries. It all depends on what angle you look at it from. I have decided to just do my best in life and be kinder to myself. I mean someone has to and if not me then how can I expect anyone else to? I am worthy of being fought for. I am worthy of being loved, all of me, not just the nice easy parts. If a person really loves me and is committed to me, that means they are also committed to working on things when things are tough. If they aren't willing to do that they either don't actually love me or they really aren't the right person for me. I don't believe a person can be non controversial all the time but perhaps that's only because I just don't know that experience personally. I can be difficult and challenging and I still think I'm worthy of being loved and being fought for. I still think I bring enough to the table to make it worth while. I can't do another person's work for them. I can only work on myself. I am open to doing whatever I need to do to be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday, including going to therapy if I can't figure things out myself. I think that's one major thing that is in my "must" list for a partner. They have to be willing to do all those things as well if they can't figure it out on their own. I don't have a place in my life for people who either shun medication if it's needed or professional therapy.
I've been spending more time with C and occasionally we disagree on things or hit a snag. I've been so worn out and ground down by the dynamic I've had with S for the past year that when I make the decision not to fight it just turns into tears now. I also tend to shut down which is not good but seriously I have no reserves right now. It's going to take some time for me to be okay again. I don't know when I'll stop being sad that when I finally trusted another person to keep their promises, it fell apart.
I really want to believe things happen for a reason or even at the very least, that there's some kind of great lesson to be learned in all this. What would this lesson be? It definitely would not be a hindsight lesson or anything regarding what I could have done differently. I really don't know of anything I personally could have done differently to make things turn out better than they have. The only thing I can think of is to learn that no matter what you do, no matter what safeguards you take or what promises are made, you can only control yourself and the rest is out of your hands. I have standards for myself. Other people have their own. Promises mean something to me. Working my ass off for a relationship and to be a good person means something to me. Owning my own shit means something to me. Being reliable, trustworthy and resilient means something to me. But everyone has their own set of rules to follow and they are all different. It will be what it will be. It's exhausting to be with someone who will say something one day and then change their mind the next. I like to try to be prepared for my life being upended but when you are with someone like that it's really fucking exhausting trying to prepare yourself for whatever whim they follow that will cause havoc in your life. As a teenager I thought it was fun and exciting to be unpredictable but gave those shenanigans up long ago and that is not a kind of excitement that appeals to me now. I need reliable and grounded people in my life. Observing a wild card can be fun but I don't want to live with it.
I have been getting tons of hot flashes lately so maybe my extra tears are hormone related. I don't know yet. I think tears are okay but it's just kind of not like me to be that way. I don't generally like being vulnerable in that way but I don't really know how to handle when my frustration or anger bubbles up. I'm used to being a fighter but I'm just soooooo tired so I just feel that ball of yuck inside in the pit of my stomach or chest or throat. Then it expands until it gets to my eyes and then tears just come flowing out and I want to roll in a ball and disappear. Maybe it's just me letting myself feel what I feel when I feel it. Maybe it's depression or hormones. It's new for me so I don't have much to base it on. Usually I talk to C when this happens and it helps a lot. She absolutely loves working on stuff with me. She's never had someone willing to do that with her so she loves it. I really appreciate that about her. She loves me like a verb... through actions, not just words. I can't even think about future stuff right now because it causes me so much anxiety but I can say right now it's nice to have someone to talk to and someone to work through my stuff with. Sometimes I think I should just learn to be by myself and work through all of this by myself but I'm not by myself and I don't have to so I don't think pushing away someone that cares is the right answer.
I'm just going to take things a day at a time and just focusing on doing my best, being the best person I can be, setting healthy boundaries and giving myself the love, acceptance and compassion that I need rather than being reliant on getting it elsewhere. I'm going to try to deal with my life imploding with as much grace as I can because flailing about it won't be helpful to anyone.
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
A new norm
Life with my new norm with S is mostly going okay. I did have one day where I cried a lot because I was looking back at our whole relationship and all that we had been through together. I thought about the thousand talks, which were sometimes fights, about me not ever being okay with Shaun being a man and my fears that he would later come out as one, to which he assured me a thousand times that would never happen. Part of me feels like everything was a lie and part of me understands sometimes these things evolve. I feel like you should know yourself by a certain age, especially if you have the support, and you shouldn't make promises that you break and then claim "things change". If you feel that way then don't use terms like "forever" or even "I promise".
Nonetheless, things have changed and there is little I can do about it. S insists this is us taking a break and still staying together. He was actually sweet and pretty understanding the night I was crying, which thankfully was very different than the time something like this happened with my ex husband, who just got annoyed by my crying and left to sleep in another room because my crying was keeping him up. Dick. S and I have had a few talks since our decision that have gone really well so far. We still clash on some things and still clearly are not always on the same page with our individual versions of communication but things continue to go well between he and C when she comes over. I am grateful for that. I got a new mattress as well but that's because I've been in so much pain. Unfortunately, so far, I'm still waking up in pain though I suspect I'd be told I still need to break in the mattress. It has a 100 day money back guarantee if I don't like it. I guess the one plus so far with it is that it's lighter so if I need to move it or change the sheets it's easier. I continue to get hot flashes and overheat as well. Yay hormones. Hormones control a lot of things don't they? Yay. </sarcasm>
People are starting to get used to Covid-19 and aren't being as careful as before. Our numbers have remained constant at around 25-30K new cases a day and around 1.5-2k deaths per day. That's acceptable I guess. Businesses are starting to re-open and when I do get out and about I see a lot of people not wearing masks. Some people are protesting and boycotting if they are required to wear masks. Imagine an ARMED protest over a requirement to wear a mask! It defies logic in every sense. So many things do now. Everything is backwards. I know it can and probably will get worse but how much before the tides finally turn? Humans deserve to die. Seriously.
Recently I sent a friend of mine some mushrooms to try. C and I stayed up with him via video chat for it. It took quite a bit to affect him but when it did he mostly enjoyed looking at the artwork on his walls. Afterwards he said he had an overall feeling of peace and that everything was going to be ok. He messaged me last night (a few days later) to let me know that he still feels that inner peace and he has not every been able to maintain a feeling like that more than a few hours. It made me smile to know that I had a hand in that. It may not work that way for everyone but for some it's amazing medicine and has healing powers. Whenever I do it again I'm going to try wearing sunglasses and see how that goes. My visual cortex goes absolutely bananas and light is overwhelming so it sounds kind of funny but I want to try making an artificial filter for my eyes to see if I can deal with having them open during that first crazy hour. If not, I'll just do what I do and close my eyes for that time. I'm not doing it for a while though. Last time was a bit much.
Until next time!
Nonetheless, things have changed and there is little I can do about it. S insists this is us taking a break and still staying together. He was actually sweet and pretty understanding the night I was crying, which thankfully was very different than the time something like this happened with my ex husband, who just got annoyed by my crying and left to sleep in another room because my crying was keeping him up. Dick. S and I have had a few talks since our decision that have gone really well so far. We still clash on some things and still clearly are not always on the same page with our individual versions of communication but things continue to go well between he and C when she comes over. I am grateful for that. I got a new mattress as well but that's because I've been in so much pain. Unfortunately, so far, I'm still waking up in pain though I suspect I'd be told I still need to break in the mattress. It has a 100 day money back guarantee if I don't like it. I guess the one plus so far with it is that it's lighter so if I need to move it or change the sheets it's easier. I continue to get hot flashes and overheat as well. Yay hormones. Hormones control a lot of things don't they? Yay. </sarcasm>
People are starting to get used to Covid-19 and aren't being as careful as before. Our numbers have remained constant at around 25-30K new cases a day and around 1.5-2k deaths per day. That's acceptable I guess. Businesses are starting to re-open and when I do get out and about I see a lot of people not wearing masks. Some people are protesting and boycotting if they are required to wear masks. Imagine an ARMED protest over a requirement to wear a mask! It defies logic in every sense. So many things do now. Everything is backwards. I know it can and probably will get worse but how much before the tides finally turn? Humans deserve to die. Seriously.
Recently I sent a friend of mine some mushrooms to try. C and I stayed up with him via video chat for it. It took quite a bit to affect him but when it did he mostly enjoyed looking at the artwork on his walls. Afterwards he said he had an overall feeling of peace and that everything was going to be ok. He messaged me last night (a few days later) to let me know that he still feels that inner peace and he has not every been able to maintain a feeling like that more than a few hours. It made me smile to know that I had a hand in that. It may not work that way for everyone but for some it's amazing medicine and has healing powers. Whenever I do it again I'm going to try wearing sunglasses and see how that goes. My visual cortex goes absolutely bananas and light is overwhelming so it sounds kind of funny but I want to try making an artificial filter for my eyes to see if I can deal with having them open during that first crazy hour. If not, I'll just do what I do and close my eyes for that time. I'm not doing it for a while though. Last time was a bit much.
Until next time!
Monday, April 27, 2020
I have a new roommate
S is now out of quarantine and feeling much better. He isn't going back to work until this weekend to rebuild his stamina. Saturday night we decided to have a marriage meeting. It was a very good talk and we decided that we might be happier being roommates. We both felt relieved. Neither of us is interested in imploding our lives. We both love the house and yard and our lives together aside from the relationship dynamics. This revelation has been a long time coming but I would say it became more apparent during the past few weeks when we barely saw each other and it was actually really ok with the both of us. I discovered that not only am I already totally used to not spending time with S but that a female brain is more important to me than a female body part. It's something some of us, who are into women who are masculine of center have been asked. Would you date a transman? Would you date a transwoman? I've never cared to date either, to be honest, but that's not my situation. Now I've experienced both and I guess my answer is that I'd rather date a trans woman if given the 2 choices. We have already started sorting things out and redoing our spaces to fit our new dynamic. I bought a TV for my room since I've been wanting to spend more time there. The only reason I went into the living room was to watch TV and it's been by myself for a while. I just don't care for it. I need to get a handle on clutter piles that are mostly mine. I've got a pile for face masks, a pile for art stuff and a pile for gardening stuff. I want to organize it and have things looking neater. I also ordered some twinkly fairy lights for my room. I used to do that back in my younger baccalaureate days and I always loved the warm light it brought into the room. I'm excited! I also am evaluating my closet space to make room for mushroom stuff.
I feel good about things and I don't feel like we are failures. I'm hoping we can sustain things as they are but even if we can't, over time, maybe that will give us time to work things out better. I don't know. I just know that we have always been adaptable and flexible. I know that we want each other to be happy and feel loved. I know we want to do that for each other but we just can't seem to be what the other person needs and trying to make it work out the best we can. I also said I wanted to be able to date C. We have been really good for each other. He seems totally on board for it and possibly relieved that's a mantle he will no longer have to carry. C is more than happy to have me and we are both very invested in putting the work in that is needed but at this time it doesn't seem to really need much work. We hit occasional snags though and we talk through it and it's good.
Hormones change more than appearances. I can say Shaun truly has a male brain and I don't do well with male brains. Never have.
The Covid count is at nearly 1 million for known cases in the US and over 50K for known deaths in the US. I'm hoping I get to see it turn over to 1 mil. I think there should be like an explosion of confetti or something. Don't judge my dark humor.
I feel good about things and I don't feel like we are failures. I'm hoping we can sustain things as they are but even if we can't, over time, maybe that will give us time to work things out better. I don't know. I just know that we have always been adaptable and flexible. I know that we want each other to be happy and feel loved. I know we want to do that for each other but we just can't seem to be what the other person needs and trying to make it work out the best we can. I also said I wanted to be able to date C. We have been really good for each other. He seems totally on board for it and possibly relieved that's a mantle he will no longer have to carry. C is more than happy to have me and we are both very invested in putting the work in that is needed but at this time it doesn't seem to really need much work. We hit occasional snags though and we talk through it and it's good.
Hormones change more than appearances. I can say Shaun truly has a male brain and I don't do well with male brains. Never have.
The Covid count is at nearly 1 million for known cases in the US and over 50K for known deaths in the US. I'm hoping I get to see it turn over to 1 mil. I think there should be like an explosion of confetti or something. Don't judge my dark humor.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
Too Close to Home
I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since my last update. Things move so fast but at the same time it's been pretty steady. Like a rocket steadily shooting up into space. About a week and a half ago I got home from work and S was still up. He was home that night. He said he felt like crap. He's a king of vaguery so I have to ask a bazillion questions to get the facts out of him. What he described basically sounded like a sinus thing but I asked him to call the doc anyway just to basically start a paper trail if needed. He argued a bit about it and said if he wasn't feeling better by the end of the weekend he'd call her. After all it was Easter weekend so he didn't want to bother anyone. He ended up sleeping that day and when he woke up he felt worse. I pushed again for him to call the doc and he ended up calling the doc over his work and the guy in charge of the Corona response either over Travis county or all of Texas. I forget which. Anyway, he talked to him for a good 20 minutes and announced to me that he was no longer able to go back to work until he tested negative and would I prefer him to go stay in their quarantine hotel? Um hell yes. Go! He started packing and by the end of it he was feeling really weak and winded. He left and I started wiping everything down.
Here we are 10 days later. We have both tested negative and I feel fine but he continues to be sick with no improvements. Mostly what he feels is overall pain, probably due to a fibromyalgia flare up, and general weakness and malaise. He is back home but I have him in quarantine at home. He is relegated to his room, his bathroom and the garage. I bring him hot meals when I'm able to and he asks for it. Everything else he has access to on his side of the house. Just a few minutes ago he said his oxygen saturation went into the 70s for a bit and took 5 minutes to get up to 97%. I'm concerned about him needing oxygen or worse, a ventilator. Prognosis is really not good for people with Covid who end up on vents. Most of them die and they die alone. I'm going to try not to go there mentally because that's a bad place. He is emailing the doc and hopefully he will be okay until more assessments can be made. The test has a 30% false negative rate so we can't just assume he's really negative and if he is negative and they won't retest then they need to be testing him for whatever it is he does have so he can get treatment for it because this shit is not going away. Since both of us have tested negative, they allowed me to come back to work. I have mixed feelings about it because I feel like the collective relief over our test results is a false sense of security. I don't believe Shaun is truly negative for it, and I think he should still be in quarantine away from me. I have high risk of carrying this thing to my patient which is super scary. It's a hard line to walk. I am doing everything I can to be safe though.
The other frustrating thing is trying to walk that precarious walk of taking this illness very seriously with also needing to cut through any bullshit because Shaun is notorious for exaggerating illness to get attention, which he refuses to accept responsibility for. He gets angry if I even suggest it but it's happened so much it's definitely a pattern. He likes being fussed over and taken care of which is hard wired into him by his mother. She's the same way. Okay I get it but in this situation there's way more at stake so we can't be doing this fuckery dance we usually do. I need numbers and facts and all that other psychological bullshit needs to take a backseat for other less serious stuff. So I basically waffle between being worried and irritated. I really can't deal with the baggage right now and wish I could make it stop, at least for this. He usually gets it if I have him pretend he's a caller and how much his answers would irritate him if someone else were answering the same way. GRRRR! It gets me worked up just thinking about it. Happy thoughts. Happy trees. Happy flowers. *sigh and deep breaths*
I feel like we're all just waiting to take our turns in the barrel.
Count is over 840k known cases so far and almost 47K known deaths in the US. I think I might invest in a UV wand for some stuff. I'm kinda scared to touch my cat after S pets him. This world is so fucked up.
Here we are 10 days later. We have both tested negative and I feel fine but he continues to be sick with no improvements. Mostly what he feels is overall pain, probably due to a fibromyalgia flare up, and general weakness and malaise. He is back home but I have him in quarantine at home. He is relegated to his room, his bathroom and the garage. I bring him hot meals when I'm able to and he asks for it. Everything else he has access to on his side of the house. Just a few minutes ago he said his oxygen saturation went into the 70s for a bit and took 5 minutes to get up to 97%. I'm concerned about him needing oxygen or worse, a ventilator. Prognosis is really not good for people with Covid who end up on vents. Most of them die and they die alone. I'm going to try not to go there mentally because that's a bad place. He is emailing the doc and hopefully he will be okay until more assessments can be made. The test has a 30% false negative rate so we can't just assume he's really negative and if he is negative and they won't retest then they need to be testing him for whatever it is he does have so he can get treatment for it because this shit is not going away. Since both of us have tested negative, they allowed me to come back to work. I have mixed feelings about it because I feel like the collective relief over our test results is a false sense of security. I don't believe Shaun is truly negative for it, and I think he should still be in quarantine away from me. I have high risk of carrying this thing to my patient which is super scary. It's a hard line to walk. I am doing everything I can to be safe though.
The other frustrating thing is trying to walk that precarious walk of taking this illness very seriously with also needing to cut through any bullshit because Shaun is notorious for exaggerating illness to get attention, which he refuses to accept responsibility for. He gets angry if I even suggest it but it's happened so much it's definitely a pattern. He likes being fussed over and taken care of which is hard wired into him by his mother. She's the same way. Okay I get it but in this situation there's way more at stake so we can't be doing this fuckery dance we usually do. I need numbers and facts and all that other psychological bullshit needs to take a backseat for other less serious stuff. So I basically waffle between being worried and irritated. I really can't deal with the baggage right now and wish I could make it stop, at least for this. He usually gets it if I have him pretend he's a caller and how much his answers would irritate him if someone else were answering the same way. GRRRR! It gets me worked up just thinking about it. Happy thoughts. Happy trees. Happy flowers. *sigh and deep breaths*
I feel like we're all just waiting to take our turns in the barrel.
Count is over 840k known cases so far and almost 47K known deaths in the US. I think I might invest in a UV wand for some stuff. I'm kinda scared to touch my cat after S pets him. This world is so fucked up.
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