Mother Do You Think They'll Drop the Bomb?

I used to see my mother as a "good Christian".  You know, the kind of Christians that Christians claim to be but most aren't.  The kind someone like Jesus would be proud of... Not the bigoted asshats who wrote much of the bible with misogyny, priviledge, and bigotry, but the cool hippy dude that didn't treat The Other like a piece of shit stuck to his sandal.  I used to think that.  I listened to her prattle on for so many months about how she was sick and tired of doing nice things for people who didn't appreciate it.  She was sick of doing what other people wanted and I told her she should stop doing it then.  Stop trying to please everyone else and just do you.  Do what you want.  Be real and authentic.  She finally took my advice and I disovered that my mother is a mindless, parrotting, brainwashed bigoted Stepford wife.  Right now, I hear she is planning a wedding for my cousin, who my mother idolizes.  My cousin is marrying a convicted child molestor.  He raped his sister when she was a preteen... but he's okay because he did his time.  He is also mean to her dog.  I bet my mom is just happy she is marrying a white man.  It's not my business what either of them do.  It's all just another brick in the wall.  It's all just another thing that makes me want to puke on her hypocritical face.  Last time I talked to her she would not allow the man in her house because she didn't trust him but I guess it's all good now.  Is it possible to love someone you have no respect for?  I don't know, honestly.  I don't think you can have a close relationship with someone you have no respect for.  All my life I tried so hard to get my mom to understand me and love me as I am and I never could totally make that connection. She's a conformist.  She likes rules and little brown boxes you can't move in.  She likes feeling protected and safe above anything else, including freedom or fairness.  She's just about as opposite of me as one can get.  She's 65 years old and though she has made inches of progress over the years, she has never really been willing to look in the mirror.  The ability to look inward is essential to overcoming or at least understanding the darkness we hold within.  I've been doing this since I was a teenager.  She even tried to bar me from doing this.  I went to group therapy when I was a teen.  She took it as a slight on her and grounded me from the car.  I walked to my meetings.  As an adult, when I sought therapy, she took it as an insult to herself again.  I have always fought tooth and nail to be able to have a meaningful conversation with her about our dynamic, about life, about real shit... but that never lasted longer than a few minutes before she would shut down.

It occurs to me how many other people I have counseled about this.  It's something I was able to deal with better with my father because he was never in my life.  I had most of my childhood and much of my adult life to deal with him being gone so it was easier to let go.  I have talked to others who cling to the idea that one day their parents would wake up and be the parent they needed and I would tell them... how old is your parent?  How long have they been this way?  Do you reallly think they are going to get it at this point?

No.  I don't think she will.  I want to have hope.  I really do.  I want to believe my mother is just too stupid to wake up.  She might be.  She might be stupid or just have no courage.  Either way, I feel the warrior woman inside of me drawing the lines of battle.  I have a sense of duty as well.  My sense of duty is to the massive numbers of The Other that are being chewed up and shat out, simply because they are The Other.  How many of us learned about the Holocaust and definantly said we would have helped.  We would not have just stood by and let people be brutalized.  How many?  Most of us?  How many would be willing, now, to hide someone who is being hunted because they are brown or black or Muslim or gay or trans?  How many will take their phones out and get video and how many will get into the fray for a stranger and try to physically protect them at their own peril?  My mother would say I'm being over dramatic and "silly".  That will never happen!  Fuck you Mother.  Fuck you and your fucking pie hole.

I just don't have extra energy to give to fucktwats.  My amazing friend is dying from cancer.  The only thing that is giving him a few extra years with his wife and kids is Obamacare.  Now they get to worry about that too.  My best friend has a cyst or tumor wrapped around her spinal cord that may be inoperable.  She's my age and her doctors are shocked she can still shit and piss at will.  Those are people I love, who actually make the world a better place being in it.  Those are the people that need my energy and focus right now, and the countless others who are wonderful caring people, who are getting the shitty end of the stick and don't deserve it.

We are all witnessing the breakdown and crumbling of life as we know it.  It's now like a dull roar in the background.  I just want my soul to be clean.  

All the King's Horses and All the King's Men

Last weekend, since Shaun and I had it off together, we went to visit our friend who is dying of cancer.  He had more energy than the last time we saw him but he's still very thin.  He's trying but I guess his body is way too busy with things other than accumulating weight, such as accumulating iron and making blood.  His counts are all looking better so he says it may actually buy him a few extra years.  We were so relieved to hear that.  The world is a better place with him alive in it.  His quality of life is still good too.  He also found out he was approved to go on disability which is absolutely wonderful news, and his youngest will get some monetary assistance until he reaches 18.  I know that has been a major concern of his... Taking care of his family since he can no longer work.

This brings me to my second worry which is for my bff.  She has had a problem with her leg for some time, as well as some nerve problems.  After weeks of testing she has discovered that she has a cyst around her spinal cord, which may be inoperable.  She does not know if it's cancer, yet and has to wait again to see a neurologist about the possibility of having surgery.  I'm so worried about her.  She is so full of life and loves getting outdoors and living life to the fullest.  I guess my biggest worry is paralysis but it could be even worse than that.  The silver lining right now is they know for sure it's not ALS because that was the worry for a while.

Shaun said, "It sucks getting old" but these are 2 people in their 40s.  I don't associate cancer and spinal cysts with 40s.  I don't think these are "getting old" things.  They aren't a normal part of the aging process at all.  It sure seems as though we are all falling apart though.  It's a true reflection of our country and our planet.

My step dad called my phone earlier.  I sent it to voice mail.  I don't know how I can give someone my love and time that I have no respect for.  I just don't know how to make peace with it.  Them simply being my parents doesn't seem to be enough for me to just ignore the racism, the religious zealotry, the hatred of women and minorities.  I just can't make it work... So until I figure it out, I wll not speak to them.  I wish I knew less about her.  She's just gross to me.

The Deed Is Done

So things are moving fast still!  I went to my pre op appointment a week ago (Monday) and started my hi protein/lo carb diet the Tuesday before that in hopes that I would be able to schedule my surgery for this week, since I was told we had to do the high protein/lo carb diet for 2 weeks before surgery to shrink the liver.  That would be why my head was spinning when, at my pre op appointment they asked, "How about tomorrrow?"  Uhhhhhh whaaaaat?  They said I could choose between the following day or April.  I have to work a bunch of extra time in April due to the other night nurse being gone on vacation so guess what I did?  I had my surgery last Tuesday, the following day.  I as able to get away with only one week on the pre surgery diet because my BMI was lower than most patients.  No sleep was had that day.  We were at the store getting all the necessary heavy stuff since Shaun is still on a weight restriction and I had mere hours before I would be on one too.  We were on the phone all day arranging all the pre surgery stuff, paying everything.  When you are self pay, they are on your ass for all of it right up front.  We thought the hospital would at least allow us the possibility of payments but nope... hand it over.  Over $10K spent in a day.  Yikes!  We will still get a bill for pathology and imaging but that's maybe $250 total.  Shaun was needing a paper bag to breathe into most of the day.

We did manage to sleep that night and managed to pay for the anesthesiologist about an hour before the surgery.  They were closed the previous day when we were told we would have to pay them before the surgery.  Stress!  Anyway, it was done.  I had Shaun take a before pic of me.  After the surgery I woke up pretty perky and didn't have a whole lot of pain.  The rest of my day went pretty well.  The pain didn't really hit me until the next day and it's mainly one particular incision where my stomach was pulled through and there were extra stitches put in.  I can touch it with a feather light touch and oooooooo, it burns!  Coughing... well just don't.  Sneezing is almost as bad.  I had to do clear liquids only, no sugar, for 3 days.  That was harsh.  I was pretty shaky and weak by the end of that.  I was getting max maybe 50 calories a day.  Then it's 2 weeks of any liquids, needs to be low or no sugar.  That's where I'm at now.  I mostly drink V8 juice and Boost with watered down fruity drink.  I went in for my follow up appointment earlier this morning and I've lost 8 pounds so far.  Woot!  I can't really tell by looking yet except my new boobs no longer look like they come from a 20 year old.  Shaun says my hips and butt look smaller.  I'm rejoicing that.  He is not.

The first day I had to get in at least 40 oz of liquids.  It took me a good 12 hours to finish off a 20 oz drink.  Now I can do it easily.  One more week and I get to add pureed foods.  Oh... one unexpected, but positive side effect, I have had no hip pain.  I've had hip pain daily for years now.  I mean, excruciating hip pain.  Now it's gone.  This makes me think I was eating something that was having a bad effect or it was something coming from the stomach part they cut out.  Is that even possible?  It's just really weird.  It's still very odd to me that I did this surgery.  I do look forward to the day I don't feel like I'm carrying a solid block of cement in my torso anymore.  It's not a comfortable feeling.