Why I Cry When I Cry

Today is my first day off after working four 12-hour shifts in a row.  On top of that little deficit, I had to wake up early to go to my Jenny Craig appointment.  I've been grumpy for about 24 hours now... Well grumpier than my norm.  I had a HORRIBLE night with my patient last night.  He's super high maintenance and when I'm already exhausted I just don't have the patience and I'm super clumsy and generally feel like an incompetent waste of flesh.  It's a horrible state to be in and I feel really vulnerable and emotional.  Sometimes I pick fights with my spouse.  Fortunately he can usually take it in stride and understands it's not personal.  I don't express my feelings of depression and sadness very often, because I hate feeling like it will be used as a weapon against me so it comes out in other ways.  I cry at silly shows on TV.  I still get teased about crying at Cupcake Wars.  Today it was Kitchen Nightmares with Chef Ramsay saving restaurants from bankruptcy.  I agree that it sounds silly on the surface, so I did do a little inner digging to figure out why do I cry so easily on shows like this?

It's not actually about the show itself.  I generally dislike people.  I mean as a general rule, I am disgusted by the human race and would gladly cheer on a global disaster that would wipe us off the face of the planet.  It would be in the Earth's best interest to be rid of us.  I remember watching The Matrix and agreeing with the bad guys.  He's right!  We can never be happy when things are going well.  We have to have misery in order to be comfortable even if it means creating it.  We ARE like a cancer on this planet.  We just proliferate and consume everything in our path without balance or regard to other life that shares the planet with us.  It's horrible and embarrassing to be called a human!

Okay now, couple that with this other thing inside of me.  No matter how bad things get, I always have a spark of hope that things can get better.  That people can actually be GOOD and KIND and can make the world a better place.  It's not a big spark, but it just never seems to want to go out completely.  It's ever-present.  I expect people to be hateful, horrible and destructive.  I expect the very worst but always am looking for the people that can show me that we aren't all ruined.  We aren't all just one notch above dragging our knuckles on the ground.  I need to believe that evolution IS possible.

This brings me to the reasons why I cry in silly TV shows.  It's when I see these things that I so desperately need to see.  When I see a sleep-walking person who has a spark inside of them ignited.  I get to watch them have an emotional breakthrough, to evolve a little.  I get to watch people do something that is kind and compassionate and lift the spirits of another who has been totally beaten down.  When I see those things, it's like drinking a cool glass of water after walking through a hot desert for a week.  It's cathartic and beautiful and I am crying with joy to see it.  I'm crying like a starving person in prison might when they are set free and given an all-you-can-eat buffet.  It's a little bit of food for my starving soul.

Married vs. REALLY Married

This subject has been swirling around in my head for some time now.  It's sort of confusing in my brain because when it happened I totally expected it, yet I was shocked at just how many people, including other LGBT people were so clueless... not even conscious of their own thinking!  I'm talking about the response I got when Shaun and I got legally married in New Mexico.  We had scores of people congratulating us as newlyweds.  Yes, I can see your bewilderment at this right now... How about if I told you we got married 3 years ago, by a licensed clergy person, but it happened to be in Texas?  Well these people all knew about that, yet they treated this New Mexico thing as if we were just newly married.  I mean, really?  How can so many people be so weak-minded and brain washed to allow a bunch of crotchety bigots that don't know them to define when their marriage is real?  I bet they haven't even thought about it that far!  We have been married for over 3 years now.  Yes!  REALLY married!  We had a ceremony with a licensed clergy person... 2 actually, and we said our vows and exchanged rings and we were married!  The New Mexico thing was purely for the legal connection.  That was Magical-Piece-of-Paper Day, NOT my wedding day!  I mean I appreciate the sentiments but when all those scores of people referred to me as a newlywed last February, they totally invalidated the last 3 years of my life's dedication to my partner.  NOT COOL!  You may now slap yourself across the back of the head.  Yes, right now!  Please and thank you!