This will be my last public post

Due to privacy concerns, from now on if you want to have access to my blog you'll have to become a follower.  Wimpy Crying Girl is taking a back seat.  Flailing Warrior Woman is in charge now.

Glass and Blood

Happy NOT my birthday as of about an hour ago.  Another disatrous birthday flushed down the great toilet of time.  Lots of sleeping and crying.  Lots of talking to Shaun about all the things that went wrong.  Lots of too late apologies.

Have you ever seen a car windshield that got hit with something in a way that the whole thing looks like it's covered in frost but it's really just completely shattered but somehow still holding itself together by some invisible spiderwebs inside?  Yes.  That.  Just one little nudge away from completely falling into sharp tiny shards... Only it's already too late.  It's already shattered.  It's just holding on to the illusion of being in one piece.  It's not and I'm not.  

I'm really just wondering what the point of anything is.  Not just me but lots of us.  My kids are dead.  I'm totally replaceable in my job.  My marriage exists on paper only at this point.  Even my gf can't deal with me at all.  Everyone likes an easy person and I'm not.  I can be easy in the way any acquaintance or stranger can but I'm a shattered soul trying to appear whole.  I'm not.  I'm fucking bleeding like crazy and I don't know what healthy coping looks like with my type of personality.  I don't know what's reasonable to do or say.  I know that I'm emotionally fragile.  I know I'm needy as fuck right now.  It's been a very long time since I've had to go it alone and I know it's something I need to learn but in the meantime I'm Kermie flailing blood and glass everywhere.  I'm not the meek lady that goes away silently in the night.  I've never been her.  I get angry only I haven't even had the strength to get angry.  I've just been crying almost nonstop for a few weeks now.  Quiet Crying Girl... Also fairly easy to deal with.  Not the soul splitting screaming warrior woman in pain.  Not that one.  She throws glass and blood and she screams bloody murder as she's going down in flames.

I restarted myself on antidepressants on my birthday, courtesy of S.  I will get a legit presecription Friday.  I'm doing the best I can with what I've got and right now it's not much except a fiery spirit who at least has a spark of survival.  A star burns hottest right before its death.  A last gasp.  I don't want to die by my own hand, though I think about it.  I kind of wish it was simply my time.  This world is exhausting to me.  I'm exhausting to the world.  We don't get along and the world isn't going anywhere so why am I still here?  I'm just taking up space in a place I'm not wanted.

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Two nights ago I left a message for my doc.  I gave her a head's up of what has been going on in my life and how my emotions are taking a major dose dive.  I have only confided in a few people and really only one knew everything.  Tonight I got in a bit of an attempted teaching moment regarding the current craziness in our country of racial tensions and police brutality.  Someone in my family commented a typical bigoted comment on another family's post and I decided to chime in.  It went nowhere, of course, but it triggered a small but maybe necessary shift through a short conversation with her in messenger.  I started by telling her I went ahead and blocked the "Becky".  Honestly I don't even know if she's a Becky or a Karen or a Susan but she's a shitty white lady just the same and an embarrassment to my DNA line.  I told her the gist of what I've been going through and how I've been wishing I could die so I can stop my pain.  She told me about a woman who's on Netflix I should watch. I was skeptical because I thought, Oh yay.  Here's someone who is going to give me a great message that *could* help a relationship if both partners watched it, absorbed it and applied it to their lives together, but in my situation it wouldn't work because there's only one of us willing to do anything like that.  It wasn't.  It was good actually.  I felt better.  I feel a sense of direction which is something I need in life.  I had a short but important dialogue with S through messenger as well.  In his mind, if I urge him to make changes to his behavior I am not accepting of him.  I must accept all the behaviors if I am to accept him as a person.  He has decided not to engage in any type of therapy or self help other than just living his life as he is and how he wants and that is his version of self love and acceptance.  That is not my way.  My way takes a lot of work and the work never ends.  I see now that only certain types of people can be okay with being with me and it is not for the weak.  It is not for people who cannot commit to working on themselves as a lifestyle.  I get it.  Everyone is different.  The path he chooses is his alone to walk and I cannot walk another person's path for them.  I tend to want people to walk with me and sometimes it ends up in my dragging them halfway and that can't last forever.  Both of us get tired.  I have no idea what my future will hold.  Hopefully things will work out and honestly, one way or another, they always have, even if I could not see a way out.  I will likely get a prescription for antidepressants and I may or may not take them right away but I do want to continue to find avenues and people who may help me put myself on a better and healthier path.  I want to get into meditation more too.  I am not too far gone yet. I still enjoy my butterflies and my gardening.  I am practicing more self love and compassion for myself.  I would like to be able to self regulate my emotions better and depend on others less to find balance.  For a long time S and I have said that we had a codependant relationship and since it was mutual it was okay but now that no longer serves us.  It is going to take a while to release old habits we have developed as a couple that no longer serve us so I have set some boundaries and I believe he will respect them.  He has a white knight thing and wants to fix but he can't fix something while also breaking it.  It's confusing for me and causes more pain. 

C and I will be separated from each other for a few weeks since her wife and kid and two nephews are back in town and they have had over a week of careless visiting with no social distancing and no cares towards protecting against Covid and since I am charged with the care of a sweet little boy who could be killed by the virus I will do what needs to be done because I will not be careless and put him in danger.  In that time I will take care of myself and try to get on a better path.

Speaking of my little guy, yesterday I was holding back tears at work and asked his mom for a hug.  She then also voluntold her son to hug me.  He did and he said, "You're so cute".  I mean, he's just repeating what I always tell him but still... He's a little light in my dark world and I am so grateful for him and his family.