Glass and Blood

Happy NOT my birthday as of about an hour ago.  Another disatrous birthday flushed down the great toilet of time.  Lots of sleeping and crying.  Lots of talking to Shaun about all the things that went wrong.  Lots of too late apologies.

Have you ever seen a car windshield that got hit with something in a way that the whole thing looks like it's covered in frost but it's really just completely shattered but somehow still holding itself together by some invisible spiderwebs inside?  Yes.  That.  Just one little nudge away from completely falling into sharp tiny shards... Only it's already too late.  It's already shattered.  It's just holding on to the illusion of being in one piece.  It's not and I'm not.  

I'm really just wondering what the point of anything is.  Not just me but lots of us.  My kids are dead.  I'm totally replaceable in my job.  My marriage exists on paper only at this point.  Even my gf can't deal with me at all.  Everyone likes an easy person and I'm not.  I can be easy in the way any acquaintance or stranger can but I'm a shattered soul trying to appear whole.  I'm not.  I'm fucking bleeding like crazy and I don't know what healthy coping looks like with my type of personality.  I don't know what's reasonable to do or say.  I know that I'm emotionally fragile.  I know I'm needy as fuck right now.  It's been a very long time since I've had to go it alone and I know it's something I need to learn but in the meantime I'm Kermie flailing blood and glass everywhere.  I'm not the meek lady that goes away silently in the night.  I've never been her.  I get angry only I haven't even had the strength to get angry.  I've just been crying almost nonstop for a few weeks now.  Quiet Crying Girl... Also fairly easy to deal with.  Not the soul splitting screaming warrior woman in pain.  Not that one.  She throws glass and blood and she screams bloody murder as she's going down in flames.

I restarted myself on antidepressants on my birthday, courtesy of S.  I will get a legit presecription Friday.  I'm doing the best I can with what I've got and right now it's not much except a fiery spirit who at least has a spark of survival.  A star burns hottest right before its death.  A last gasp.  I don't want to die by my own hand, though I think about it.  I kind of wish it was simply my time.  This world is exhausting to me.  I'm exhausting to the world.  We don't get along and the world isn't going anywhere so why am I still here?  I'm just taking up space in a place I'm not wanted.