I'm still diving head first into this thing that now feels like an intense calling to heal... to have my synapses rewired. I've been reading about Ayahuasca, San Pedro (Huachuma) and Sapo. More and more I'm seeing the intense healing potential these can have and have a way of sort of rebooting your soul, mind and body. Shaun is pretty luke warm about the whole thing and mostly I think it has to do with his fears of having to relive traumatic memories but I suspect there's also a major fear of allergy issues and just basic safety with traveling to another country and being out in the middle of nowhere. Now with my personality, that would make it a little more motivating for me to go because I don't like my fears ruling my life and in fact, a big part of me wanting to go is to get rid of fears that I feel control my life too much already. Even if Shaun decides he won't go, I still want to go myself. I need to do this for myself. My cousin and I are trying to work it out so we can go as a group and experience this together and I would love that too. I don't know if we'll actually agree on where and when, however, because what we both want seems to be very drastically different. I'm not personally so concerned with outer appearances of things except what I can see while I'm taking the medicine... so meaning, if I want to be in nature and see the stars and be okay to lay on some grass and look up in the sky, I can do that. She would like to be deep inside a jungle, which sounds really cool, but you can't really go outside and lay down and not be totally with it because the jungle comes with a whole lot of critters, especially at night. Just personally, I'd rather not become lunch to something while I'm tripping balls. From all that I have seen, most people are really exhausted in between the ceremonies so there isn't a lot of running around. Mostly it's quiet time spent reflecting, reading, resting. She doesn't want to go anywhere that has anything resembling "hippies" so it can't have yoga. That just seems very limiting to me. Why would you have that silly rule? No one is forcing anyone to take a yoga class. Why would you care if someone else there wants to do yoga and does it? I don't really understand why it would matter. Let people do what they wish and do what you wish. Simple. There's a retreat I'm looking at that is 7 days and it has 6 ceremonies. Most 7 day retreats have 3. This one also uses 3 different medicines. Most offer 1 or 2. I want to get the most out of it. My intent is mostly focused on the quality of the workers and the ceremonies. I could go anywhere in any nature setting and do it and be just as happy. My purpose isn't the physical destination. My purpose is the internal journey. I am quite nervous to talk to my doctor about it because I will need to go off all western medication several weeks before the retreat. I don't know how supportive she will be about that but there's actually a real chance of healing myself to the point I would not need to be dependent on medications anymore. I would so love to be able to heal my body of all the ailments that have been caused by traumas in my life. I would love to integrate all those experiences and neutralize the power they have had over me.
So far I feel like it's still not a plan. It's a goal. It's a dream. It may actually turn into a plan. That's what I want. It may be with a group I know or it may be just me by myself. There are actually so many choices out there that it's somewhat paralyzing. Maybe I'll talk to my guides and send out the message that I need to be pointed to the place or person that would help me reach my highest potential. It may not be the same place my cousin needs. I don't know what her intentions for herself are. She seems to be mostly focused on what's best for everyone except herself but she seems to want whatever is the most undiscovered, rough, raw kind of experience she can get because she needs that extra bit of danger added. I don't feel like that would be better for me or even good for me. Doing ayahuasca and toxic frog venom is quite dangerous enough for me. It's like, I don't need to go to an actual high security prison so I can feel more. Some things I'll leave to others to experience first hand if they are called to do so. My sense of adventure does not need to come from purposely thumbing my nose up to the fates and begging for an ass beating but hey, my hat's off to those that do it and get away with it. I'll wave my pom poms for you.
