We are officially 6 weeks in to Shaun's transition with testosterone. Other people are amazed at the changes they are seeing, which is weird because I don't really see it much at all. I guess because I'm so close to it and see him every day that the tiny day to day changes just change to the new "normal". He went in to see the doc and said she was really amazed at the differences already. Most days I do okay. I have my moments. Yesterday morning he told me he found other transmasculine folks who were on testosterone but still identified as non-binary. I kind of went off on a tangent. I mean nothing against what he was saying but let's be honest. In the PC climate, I can wear a dress, high heels and full make up and if I tell you I'm a transman named Jim, you have to respect that and just call me whatever I label myself as, so this is not something based, in any way, on logic or anything really definitive. It's just whatever you want to be called and I roll with it out of respect. I don't understand any of it and would laugh in the face of anyone else who claimed to. "Transgender" is like saying "Autistic". I mean it can mean a lot of different looking things that are all lumped into a very general category. Also from what research I've been doing, a transgender person changes their mind over time about what needs to be done for them to feel comfortable in their own skin. They may identify one way and a year or 5 later it's something totally different. I mean that's valid, but also makes any kind of predictable category impossible. It's just go with the flow... and I think that's probably a good general lesson in life and finding happiness in it. Let go of rigidity and go with the flow.
I've recently cut all my hair off, shorter than I've ever had it and bleaching it pure white. I love it so fucking much and don't even care if Shaun likes it or not. I fully realize it's part of my existential crisis but it helps me feel less invisible. I'll likely keep my hair short. Besides making me more visible to my peeps, it's just more practical in so many ways.
I'm doing an extra shift tonight at work which is something I rarely do. As long as I make enough money to live comfortably, I don't desire to work more to get more money. I enjoy being at home and/or spending time with Shaun. My bosses are always bugging me to work extra and I find different ways to tell them no... but... seeing as how I just spent the weekend at the beach house they bought for employees to use and I'm coming up on a nurse appreciation party complete with drinks, food and swag, I thought I'd toss them a bone.
I'm working with the type of kid I have never liked working with and that's what I refer to as a "veggie kid". The kind of kids that have severe permanent brain damage and remain in a vegetative state laying in a bed, unable to communicate, eat or breathe on their own. It hits too close to home for me since my own son was a veggie kid and at first I had the "I love you no matter what" soapbox that might make me seem like a selfless person but over time, watching him suffer in his malfunctioning meat sack, I concluded that it was, in fact, very selfish of me to keep him alive indefinitely, which I could have. But then I thought about what happens when I die, which might not even be when I'm old. Who would take care of him? After that his dad and I refused to take him to the hospital anymore and just waited for him to get sick so we could let him go. His death was horrific. He essentially slowly suffocated and it took hours of him panicking. I still get angry about it, knowing that I could have let him easily drift off to sleep and have a comfortable death with a good dose of morphine but no. That would have made me a cold hearted murderer. Much better to just watch a little baby gasp and flail for hours and hours trying to breathe. I called up my hospice team and made them sit with me and watch him suffer until he died. If I had to watch that so could they. His nurse told me that it was the first time he ever witnessed that and it changed forever how he treated his pediatric hospice patients. Good.
Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there. So I've always tried to avoid the veggie kids as I would feel... triggered, I guess is the best word to use. Now you know why. For some reason though, which I'm not sure is good, bad or indifferent, I don't feel triggered by it this time. Now sure if it's a permanent change or just right now but I don't feel weird about it. I'm just taking care of the kid, doing my job, talking to him and trying to give him a sense of peace and kindness as much as I can. There's no baggage attached, which is nice. It's just odd because I think it's the first time I haven't felt any baggage with a kid like this.
I'm still research ayahuasca and the possibilities of going to Peru to take a healing journey with my cuz. I did read on one website a huge laundry list of meds you have to stop taking and foods you have to stop eating weeks before going. That did alarm me. I'm not sure if I'd have to stop my antidepressants but the thought of that scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure how long I'd be able to function without them. Last time was really not good. I don't think Shaun would be too keen on that either. Also you can't take any allergy meds supposedly and while I'd survive, I'm not sure Shaun would. It's just something I need to learn more about and make sure I don't go into something blindly and end up a veggie myself.
Friday, April 26, 2019
Monday, April 15, 2019
Walking the edge of the abyss
Last weekend we celebrated our 8th anniversary of marriage at a beach house in Port Aransas my work pays for. The first night we got there just after dark so the first thing we wanted to do was watch the sun rise in the morning. While we were up on the rooftop deck, I had a meltdown. Most of the time I'm ok but since Shaun started transitioning, I've had my own moments of bubbling over. I may be dealing with actual depression above and beyond what my meds do for me. I'm not sure yet but I can say that during these times I feel the deepest sadness, feelings of not belonging in this world, of not fitting in anywhere and of not having a purpose at all. I guess overall, I've mainly been feeling invisible for a long time and it used to be comfortable but now it's just distressing.
My sisters are a big part of it. I miss them. I love them and we get along but I really don't think they give a shit if I exist or not. Their mom died a few years ago and that has created an unbreakable bond between them, which is great as long as you share DNA with them. I've always considered them my actual sisters and never felt any different until the past few years. They only seem to acknowledge their blood related siblings now. It hurts so fucking bad. It cuts deep. I don't have many close relationships with anyone in my family except my cousin so if it weren't for her I'd feel like I had no family at all. I've even told my sisters that I miss them and need them in my life. Still... I'm out of sight out of mind. I mean of all the deeply flawed and dark things about my mother, at least she acknowledges me. I guess I just kind of feel like a piece of trash blowing around in the wind. I'm not necessary and apparently I take a LOT of effort to include in most anyone's life. I get very lonely.
The other thing that distresses me is with all the research I'm doing on how testosterone effects transfolks, Shaun and I could do great in our relationship or he could end up coming out as a gay man. Yes, apparently that's a thing with T shots. It changes your brain, how you think, how you feel, how you interact and sometimes, your sexual orientation. At this point things couldn't be stopped. The boulder is rolling down the mountain. All that can be done is try to get out of the way and hope the damage isn't too severe.
This shit has had me in tears and it's weird because I rarely cry over my own stuff. I usually reserve my tears for other people's pain... or joy. Nothing gets my bawling more than a happy reunion. I'm just so goddamned tired of pain and loss. It makes it so hard for me to just be happy when things are good and not just be trying to steel myself for when it all collapses.
On the way home I watched a wreck happen right in front of us on the freeway. I mean, I didn't see exactly what caused it but I saw car chunks go flying up in the air and a truck when spinning out into the middle. I saw the car looking totally mangled and the driver was laying on the street with a man holding his neck. It was maybe 5 cars ahead of me when it happened. Pretty freaky!
When we got home, Shaun asked me if I had been pulling up grass in the back yard. No I hadn't. There was a patchy area that was a lot taller than the rest of the grass, under a tree. I think it was sprouted bird seed. Anyway, all of those tall clumps had been pulled up by the roots and piled up on top of our cat's grave. We have no idea what or who did it and why. It was just a tad creepy. Also, her grave was not marked. Only we know where she's buried.
In other news, I'm trying to work out a way and time to go to Peru with my cousin, Shaun and her husband, to take part in an ayahuasca ceremony. It's essentially therapy in a bottle. It's some deep scary shit that transforms and seemingly even repairs people's broken-ness. I feel very motivated to make this happen. I need this. I feel so close to falling into an abyss right now. I've been in this place before and it did not go well. I need a lifeline.
My sisters are a big part of it. I miss them. I love them and we get along but I really don't think they give a shit if I exist or not. Their mom died a few years ago and that has created an unbreakable bond between them, which is great as long as you share DNA with them. I've always considered them my actual sisters and never felt any different until the past few years. They only seem to acknowledge their blood related siblings now. It hurts so fucking bad. It cuts deep. I don't have many close relationships with anyone in my family except my cousin so if it weren't for her I'd feel like I had no family at all. I've even told my sisters that I miss them and need them in my life. Still... I'm out of sight out of mind. I mean of all the deeply flawed and dark things about my mother, at least she acknowledges me. I guess I just kind of feel like a piece of trash blowing around in the wind. I'm not necessary and apparently I take a LOT of effort to include in most anyone's life. I get very lonely.
The other thing that distresses me is with all the research I'm doing on how testosterone effects transfolks, Shaun and I could do great in our relationship or he could end up coming out as a gay man. Yes, apparently that's a thing with T shots. It changes your brain, how you think, how you feel, how you interact and sometimes, your sexual orientation. At this point things couldn't be stopped. The boulder is rolling down the mountain. All that can be done is try to get out of the way and hope the damage isn't too severe.
This shit has had me in tears and it's weird because I rarely cry over my own stuff. I usually reserve my tears for other people's pain... or joy. Nothing gets my bawling more than a happy reunion. I'm just so goddamned tired of pain and loss. It makes it so hard for me to just be happy when things are good and not just be trying to steel myself for when it all collapses.
On the way home I watched a wreck happen right in front of us on the freeway. I mean, I didn't see exactly what caused it but I saw car chunks go flying up in the air and a truck when spinning out into the middle. I saw the car looking totally mangled and the driver was laying on the street with a man holding his neck. It was maybe 5 cars ahead of me when it happened. Pretty freaky!
When we got home, Shaun asked me if I had been pulling up grass in the back yard. No I hadn't. There was a patchy area that was a lot taller than the rest of the grass, under a tree. I think it was sprouted bird seed. Anyway, all of those tall clumps had been pulled up by the roots and piled up on top of our cat's grave. We have no idea what or who did it and why. It was just a tad creepy. Also, her grave was not marked. Only we know where she's buried.
In other news, I'm trying to work out a way and time to go to Peru with my cousin, Shaun and her husband, to take part in an ayahuasca ceremony. It's essentially therapy in a bottle. It's some deep scary shit that transforms and seemingly even repairs people's broken-ness. I feel very motivated to make this happen. I need this. I feel so close to falling into an abyss right now. I've been in this place before and it did not go well. I need a lifeline.
Friday, April 5, 2019
An unexpected transition
Back in January near the end of my radiation treatments, Shaun and I had gotten in a huge fight. For the next day or two, I was thinking about all the crazy shit he's stuck by me on and supported me through, including when I would act like a maniac while I'm doing cancer treatments. Then it occurred to me that even though Shaun wasn't saying anything about it, just in case, I wanted to give my blessing to him doing hormone shots to transition if that was something that he felt he needed to do. I guess at the time I said it he was shocked to hear me say that because I've never been supportive of that. I mean, I'm gay. I'm not attracted to men so I would not want my spouse to be a male, obviously. But, I felt like it would be totally selfish of me to bar Shaun from it for my own desire and that I really wanted to see Shaun be his happiest self, regardless of what that looked like... and yes, even if it meant I might lose him to it.
A few months later it came up in a conversation and I confirmed that I meant what I said. I would never say something that crazy unless I really meant it. He decided it was something he really wanted to do and got so excited that he ended up staying up late and going to my doc appointment with me so he could ask her about doing it. He's now fully emotionally invested in it. I give him a shot in his thigh twice a month. I don't know how it will affect our relationship and marriage over time. I hope everything works out in a way that neither of us have to start over alone. He's been very cool, so far, about me expressing my fears and grief about it. It took me a long time to have the courage to come out of the closet and while I don't care what other people think, I still feel defensive about other people wanting to force a new label on me. Yes, I'm still lesbian. Yes, Shaun is transgender. I don't give a fuck if that doesn't fit neatly in a box. I label me. I know myself well. I am not suddenly open to men. I will try to make it work the best I can and that's all I can do. The rest is not going to be up to me.
The worst thing about it is while loads of people are rallying around Shaun and having a big party, no one seems to give one molecule of thought to how I might be doing or they really just don't care. It's entirely possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure most of them assume that Shaun just put his foot down and demanded I deal with it or leave and have made comments like "Now you get to be the person you've always been on the inside!" Weeeeee! I cannot even begin to tell you how infuriating that shit is. Fucking binary mindset people. We have told people over and over that Shaun has never identified as a man. Never. He's masculine of center. He still refuses to say he wants to be a man. This is not something I have pressured him into saying and in fact, I've been yelled at for saying he should pick a damned side because it's too hard for me to explain to people. But whatever. I don't say anything. I take his progress pic, give his shot and just try to keep an open line of communication. I will, however, and have corrected people who think it's suitable to label me as bisexual or straight. Um no. I am not a puppet of Shaun's or anyone else's who changes who I am anytime they make a change. Do you fucking know me at all?! I'm still gay. I still love women and especially butches. If I were to find myself single I would not seek out men, trans or cis. I fell in love wish Shaun as a butch and my spirit loves his spirit. That does not make me pansexual because that's not criteria I hold for the whole human race. I am not that magical. I just wish I had some type of support for it but there really isn't a lot out there for lesbians married to female to male transgender people who transition later into the relationship.
I don't know. I'm pretty adaptable but man junk is also pretty fucking gross. Shaun doesn't have man junk THANKFULLY so then all I would need to get used to really is hair and smell. I love my relationship with him and want more of it and that's why I'm doing all this. If we just met it would be a deal breaker but that's not the situation I'm in. I just might be a Shaunsexual or I'm a lesbian*. Either way I'm pretty sensitive and defensive about it so it's not going to go over well with me when someone thinks they are being funny and trying to re-label me. I. Will. Cut. You.
I found an awesome soul who also finds me awesome. We get each other. We have supported each other through a lot of major shit. That isn't going to stop now.
A few months later it came up in a conversation and I confirmed that I meant what I said. I would never say something that crazy unless I really meant it. He decided it was something he really wanted to do and got so excited that he ended up staying up late and going to my doc appointment with me so he could ask her about doing it. He's now fully emotionally invested in it. I give him a shot in his thigh twice a month. I don't know how it will affect our relationship and marriage over time. I hope everything works out in a way that neither of us have to start over alone. He's been very cool, so far, about me expressing my fears and grief about it. It took me a long time to have the courage to come out of the closet and while I don't care what other people think, I still feel defensive about other people wanting to force a new label on me. Yes, I'm still lesbian. Yes, Shaun is transgender. I don't give a fuck if that doesn't fit neatly in a box. I label me. I know myself well. I am not suddenly open to men. I will try to make it work the best I can and that's all I can do. The rest is not going to be up to me.
The worst thing about it is while loads of people are rallying around Shaun and having a big party, no one seems to give one molecule of thought to how I might be doing or they really just don't care. It's entirely possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure most of them assume that Shaun just put his foot down and demanded I deal with it or leave and have made comments like "Now you get to be the person you've always been on the inside!" Weeeeee! I cannot even begin to tell you how infuriating that shit is. Fucking binary mindset people. We have told people over and over that Shaun has never identified as a man. Never. He's masculine of center. He still refuses to say he wants to be a man. This is not something I have pressured him into saying and in fact, I've been yelled at for saying he should pick a damned side because it's too hard for me to explain to people. But whatever. I don't say anything. I take his progress pic, give his shot and just try to keep an open line of communication. I will, however, and have corrected people who think it's suitable to label me as bisexual or straight. Um no. I am not a puppet of Shaun's or anyone else's who changes who I am anytime they make a change. Do you fucking know me at all?! I'm still gay. I still love women and especially butches. If I were to find myself single I would not seek out men, trans or cis. I fell in love wish Shaun as a butch and my spirit loves his spirit. That does not make me pansexual because that's not criteria I hold for the whole human race. I am not that magical. I just wish I had some type of support for it but there really isn't a lot out there for lesbians married to female to male transgender people who transition later into the relationship.
I don't know. I'm pretty adaptable but man junk is also pretty fucking gross. Shaun doesn't have man junk THANKFULLY so then all I would need to get used to really is hair and smell. I love my relationship with him and want more of it and that's why I'm doing all this. If we just met it would be a deal breaker but that's not the situation I'm in. I just might be a Shaunsexual or I'm a lesbian*. Either way I'm pretty sensitive and defensive about it so it's not going to go over well with me when someone thinks they are being funny and trying to re-label me. I. Will. Cut. You.
I found an awesome soul who also finds me awesome. We get each other. We have supported each other through a lot of major shit. That isn't going to stop now.
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