Back in January near the end of my radiation treatments, Shaun and I had gotten in a huge fight. For the next day or two, I was thinking about all the crazy shit he's stuck by me on and supported me through, including when I would act like a maniac while I'm doing cancer treatments. Then it occurred to me that even though Shaun wasn't saying anything about it, just in case, I wanted to give my blessing to him doing hormone shots to transition if that was something that he felt he needed to do. I guess at the time I said it he was shocked to hear me say that because I've never been supportive of that. I mean, I'm gay. I'm not attracted to men so I would not want my spouse to be a male, obviously. But, I felt like it would be totally selfish of me to bar Shaun from it for my own desire and that I really wanted to see Shaun be his happiest self, regardless of what that looked like... and yes, even if it meant I might lose him to it.
A few months later it came up in a conversation and I confirmed that I meant what I said. I would never say something that crazy unless I really meant it. He decided it was something he really wanted to do and got so excited that he ended up staying up late and going to my doc appointment with me so he could ask her about doing it. He's now fully emotionally invested in it. I give him a shot in his thigh twice a month. I don't know how it will affect our relationship and marriage over time. I hope everything works out in a way that neither of us have to start over alone. He's been very cool, so far, about me expressing my fears and grief about it. It took me a long time to have the courage to come out of the closet and while I don't care what other people think, I still feel defensive about other people wanting to force a new label on me. Yes, I'm still lesbian. Yes, Shaun is transgender. I don't give a fuck if that doesn't fit neatly in a box. I label me. I know myself well. I am not suddenly open to men. I will try to make it work the best I can and that's all I can do. The rest is not going to be up to me.
The worst thing about it is while loads of people are rallying around Shaun and having a big party, no one seems to give one molecule of thought to how I might be doing or they really just don't care. It's entirely possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure most of them assume that Shaun just put his foot down and demanded I deal with it or leave and have made comments like "Now you get to be the person you've always been on the inside!" Weeeeee! I cannot even begin to tell you how infuriating that shit is. Fucking binary mindset people. We have told people over and over that Shaun has never identified as a man. Never. He's masculine of center. He still refuses to say he wants to be a man. This is not something I have pressured him into saying and in fact, I've been yelled at for saying he should pick a damned side because it's too hard for me to explain to people. But whatever. I don't say anything. I take his progress pic, give his shot and just try to keep an open line of communication. I will, however, and have corrected people who think it's suitable to label me as bisexual or straight. Um no. I am not a puppet of Shaun's or anyone else's who changes who I am anytime they make a change. Do you fucking know me at all?! I'm still gay. I still love women and especially butches. If I were to find myself single I would not seek out men, trans or cis. I fell in love wish Shaun as a butch and my spirit loves his spirit. That does not make me pansexual because that's not criteria I hold for the whole human race. I am not that magical. I just wish I had some type of support for it but there really isn't a lot out there for lesbians married to female to male transgender people who transition later into the relationship.
I don't know. I'm pretty adaptable but man junk is also pretty fucking gross. Shaun doesn't have man junk THANKFULLY so then all I would need to get used to really is hair and smell. I love my relationship with him and want more of it and that's why I'm doing all this. If we just met it would be a deal breaker but that's not the situation I'm in. I just might be a Shaunsexual or I'm a lesbian*. Either way I'm pretty sensitive and defensive about it so it's not going to go over well with me when someone thinks they are being funny and trying to re-label me. I. Will. Cut. You.
I found an awesome soul who also finds me awesome. We get each other. We have supported each other through a lot of major shit. That isn't going to stop now.
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