Last weekend we celebrated our 8th anniversary of marriage at a beach house in Port Aransas my work pays for. The first night we got there just after dark so the first thing we wanted to do was watch the sun rise in the morning. While we were up on the rooftop deck, I had a meltdown. Most of the time I'm ok but since Shaun started transitioning, I've had my own moments of bubbling over. I may be dealing with actual depression above and beyond what my meds do for me. I'm not sure yet but I can say that during these times I feel the deepest sadness, feelings of not belonging in this world, of not fitting in anywhere and of not having a purpose at all. I guess overall, I've mainly been feeling invisible for a long time and it used to be comfortable but now it's just distressing.
My sisters are a big part of it. I miss them. I love them and we get along but I really don't think they give a shit if I exist or not. Their mom died a few years ago and that has created an unbreakable bond between them, which is great as long as you share DNA with them. I've always considered them my actual sisters and never felt any different until the past few years. They only seem to acknowledge their blood related siblings now. It hurts so fucking bad. It cuts deep. I don't have many close relationships with anyone in my family except my cousin so if it weren't for her I'd feel like I had no family at all. I've even told my sisters that I miss them and need them in my life. Still... I'm out of sight out of mind. I mean of all the deeply flawed and dark things about my mother, at least she acknowledges me. I guess I just kind of feel like a piece of trash blowing around in the wind. I'm not necessary and apparently I take a LOT of effort to include in most anyone's life. I get very lonely.
The other thing that distresses me is with all the research I'm doing on how testosterone effects transfolks, Shaun and I could do great in our relationship or he could end up coming out as a gay man. Yes, apparently that's a thing with T shots. It changes your brain, how you think, how you feel, how you interact and sometimes, your sexual orientation. At this point things couldn't be stopped. The boulder is rolling down the mountain. All that can be done is try to get out of the way and hope the damage isn't too severe.
This shit has had me in tears and it's weird because I rarely cry over my own stuff. I usually reserve my tears for other people's pain... or joy. Nothing gets my bawling more than a happy reunion. I'm just so goddamned tired of pain and loss. It makes it so hard for me to just be happy when things are good and not just be trying to steel myself for when it all collapses.
On the way home I watched a wreck happen right in front of us on the freeway. I mean, I didn't see exactly what caused it but I saw car chunks go flying up in the air and a truck when spinning out into the middle. I saw the car looking totally mangled and the driver was laying on the street with a man holding his neck. It was maybe 5 cars ahead of me when it happened. Pretty freaky!
When we got home, Shaun asked me if I had been pulling up grass in the back yard. No I hadn't. There was a patchy area that was a lot taller than the rest of the grass, under a tree. I think it was sprouted bird seed. Anyway, all of those tall clumps had been pulled up by the roots and piled up on top of our cat's grave. We have no idea what or who did it and why. It was just a tad creepy. Also, her grave was not marked. Only we know where she's buried.
In other news, I'm trying to work out a way and time to go to Peru with my cousin, Shaun and her husband, to take part in an ayahuasca ceremony. It's essentially therapy in a bottle. It's some deep scary shit that transforms and seemingly even repairs people's broken-ness. I feel very motivated to make this happen. I need this. I feel so close to falling into an abyss right now. I've been in this place before and it did not go well. I need a lifeline.
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