I used to see my mother as a "good Christian". You know, the kind of Christians that Christians claim to be but most aren't. The kind someone like Jesus would be proud of... Not the bigoted asshats who wrote much of the bible with misogyny, priviledge, and bigotry, but the cool hippy dude that didn't treat The Other like a piece of shit stuck to his sandal. I used to think that. I listened to her prattle on for so many months about how she was sick and tired of doing nice things for people who didn't appreciate it. She was sick of doing what other people wanted and I told her she should stop doing it then. Stop trying to please everyone else and just do you. Do what you want. Be real and authentic. She finally took my advice and I disovered that my mother is a mindless, parrotting, brainwashed bigoted Stepford wife. Right now, I hear she is planning a wedding for my cousin, who my mother idolizes. My cousin is marrying a convicted child molestor. He raped his sister when she was a preteen... but he's okay because he did his time. He is also mean to her dog. I bet my mom is just happy she is marrying a white man. It's not my business what either of them do. It's all just another brick in the wall. It's all just another thing that makes me want to puke on her hypocritical face. Last time I talked to her she would not allow the man in her house because she didn't trust him but I guess it's all good now. Is it possible to love someone you have no respect for? I don't know, honestly. I don't think you can have a close relationship with someone you have no respect for. All my life I tried so hard to get my mom to understand me and love me as I am and I never could totally make that connection. She's a conformist. She likes rules and little brown boxes you can't move in. She likes feeling protected and safe above anything else, including freedom or fairness. She's just about as opposite of me as one can get. She's 65 years old and though she has made inches of progress over the years, she has never really been willing to look in the mirror. The ability to look inward is essential to overcoming or at least understanding the darkness we hold within. I've been doing this since I was a teenager. She even tried to bar me from doing this. I went to group therapy when I was a teen. She took it as a slight on her and grounded me from the car. I walked to my meetings. As an adult, when I sought therapy, she took it as an insult to herself again. I have always fought tooth and nail to be able to have a meaningful conversation with her about our dynamic, about life, about real shit... but that never lasted longer than a few minutes before she would shut down.
It occurs to me how many other people I have counseled about this. It's something I was able to deal with better with my father because he was never in my life. I had most of my childhood and much of my adult life to deal with him being gone so it was easier to let go. I have talked to others who cling to the idea that one day their parents would wake up and be the parent they needed and I would tell them... how old is your parent? How long have they been this way? Do you reallly think they are going to get it at this point?
No. I don't think she will. I want to have hope. I really do. I want to believe my mother is just too stupid to wake up. She might be. She might be stupid or just have no courage. Either way, I feel the warrior woman inside of me drawing the lines of battle. I have a sense of duty as well. My sense of duty is to the massive numbers of The Other that are being chewed up and shat out, simply because they are The Other. How many of us learned about the Holocaust and definantly said we would have helped. We would not have just stood by and let people be brutalized. How many? Most of us? How many would be willing, now, to hide someone who is being hunted because they are brown or black or Muslim or gay or trans? How many will take their phones out and get video and how many will get into the fray for a stranger and try to physically protect them at their own peril? My mother would say I'm being over dramatic and "silly". That will never happen! Fuck you Mother. Fuck you and your fucking pie hole.
I just don't have extra energy to give to fucktwats. My amazing friend is dying from cancer. The only thing that is giving him a few extra years with his wife and kids is Obamacare. Now they get to worry about that too. My best friend has a cyst or tumor wrapped around her spinal cord that may be inoperable. She's my age and her doctors are shocked she can still shit and piss at will. Those are people I love, who actually make the world a better place being in it. Those are the people that need my energy and focus right now, and the countless others who are wonderful caring people, who are getting the shitty end of the stick and don't deserve it.
We are all witnessing the breakdown and crumbling of life as we know it. It's now like a dull roar in the background. I just want my soul to be clean.
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