Life with my new norm with S is mostly going okay. I did have one day where I cried a lot because I was looking back at our whole relationship and all that we had been through together. I thought about the thousand talks, which were sometimes fights, about me not ever being okay with Shaun being a man and my fears that he would later come out as one, to which he assured me a thousand times that would never happen. Part of me feels like everything was a lie and part of me understands sometimes these things evolve. I feel like you should know yourself by a certain age, especially if you have the support, and you shouldn't make promises that you break and then claim "things change". If you feel that way then don't use terms like "forever" or even "I promise".
Nonetheless, things have changed and there is little I can do about it. S insists this is us taking a break and still staying together. He was actually sweet and pretty understanding the night I was crying, which thankfully was very different than the time something like this happened with my ex husband, who just got annoyed by my crying and left to sleep in another room because my crying was keeping him up. Dick. S and I have had a few talks since our decision that have gone really well so far. We still clash on some things and still clearly are not always on the same page with our individual versions of communication but things continue to go well between he and C when she comes over. I am grateful for that. I got a new mattress as well but that's because I've been in so much pain. Unfortunately, so far, I'm still waking up in pain though I suspect I'd be told I still need to break in the mattress. It has a 100 day money back guarantee if I don't like it. I guess the one plus so far with it is that it's lighter so if I need to move it or change the sheets it's easier. I continue to get hot flashes and overheat as well. Yay hormones. Hormones control a lot of things don't they? Yay. </sarcasm>
People are starting to get used to Covid-19 and aren't being as careful as before. Our numbers have remained constant at around 25-30K new cases a day and around 1.5-2k deaths per day. That's acceptable I guess. Businesses are starting to re-open and when I do get out and about I see a lot of people not wearing masks. Some people are protesting and boycotting if they are required to wear masks. Imagine an ARMED protest over a requirement to wear a mask! It defies logic in every sense. So many things do now. Everything is backwards. I know it can and probably will get worse but how much before the tides finally turn? Humans deserve to die. Seriously.
Recently I sent a friend of mine some mushrooms to try. C and I stayed up with him via video chat for it. It took quite a bit to affect him but when it did he mostly enjoyed looking at the artwork on his walls. Afterwards he said he had an overall feeling of peace and that everything was going to be ok. He messaged me last night (a few days later) to let me know that he still feels that inner peace and he has not every been able to maintain a feeling like that more than a few hours. It made me smile to know that I had a hand in that. It may not work that way for everyone but for some it's amazing medicine and has healing powers. Whenever I do it again I'm going to try wearing sunglasses and see how that goes. My visual cortex goes absolutely bananas and light is overwhelming so it sounds kind of funny but I want to try making an artificial filter for my eyes to see if I can deal with having them open during that first crazy hour. If not, I'll just do what I do and close my eyes for that time. I'm not doing it for a while though. Last time was a bit much.
Until next time!
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