S is now out of quarantine and feeling much better. He isn't going back to work until this weekend to rebuild his stamina. Saturday night we decided to have a marriage meeting. It was a very good talk and we decided that we might be happier being roommates. We both felt relieved. Neither of us is interested in imploding our lives. We both love the house and yard and our lives together aside from the relationship dynamics. This revelation has been a long time coming but I would say it became more apparent during the past few weeks when we barely saw each other and it was actually really ok with the both of us. I discovered that not only am I already totally used to not spending time with S but that a female brain is more important to me than a female body part. It's something some of us, who are into women who are masculine of center have been asked. Would you date a transman? Would you date a transwoman? I've never cared to date either, to be honest, but that's not my situation. Now I've experienced both and I guess my answer is that I'd rather date a trans woman if given the 2 choices. We have already started sorting things out and redoing our spaces to fit our new dynamic. I bought a TV for my room since I've been wanting to spend more time there. The only reason I went into the living room was to watch TV and it's been by myself for a while. I just don't care for it. I need to get a handle on clutter piles that are mostly mine. I've got a pile for face masks, a pile for art stuff and a pile for gardening stuff. I want to organize it and have things looking neater. I also ordered some twinkly fairy lights for my room. I used to do that back in my younger baccalaureate days and I always loved the warm light it brought into the room. I'm excited! I also am evaluating my closet space to make room for mushroom stuff.
I feel good about things and I don't feel like we are failures. I'm hoping we can sustain things as they are but even if we can't, over time, maybe that will give us time to work things out better. I don't know. I just know that we have always been adaptable and flexible. I know that we want each other to be happy and feel loved. I know we want to do that for each other but we just can't seem to be what the other person needs and trying to make it work out the best we can. I also said I wanted to be able to date C. We have been really good for each other. He seems totally on board for it and possibly relieved that's a mantle he will no longer have to carry. C is more than happy to have me and we are both very invested in putting the work in that is needed but at this time it doesn't seem to really need much work. We hit occasional snags though and we talk through it and it's good.
Hormones change more than appearances. I can say Shaun truly has a male brain and I don't do well with male brains. Never have.
The Covid count is at nearly 1 million for known cases in the US and over 50K for known deaths in the US. I'm hoping I get to see it turn over to 1 mil. I think there should be like an explosion of confetti or something. Don't judge my dark humor.
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