We now have over 160K *known* cases of Covid19. Since we continue to have a massive shortage of tests and testing, that number is certainly much higher and there are no signs of slowing. The bodies pile up and the unemployment soars. It will continue since our country isn't really serious about distancing from one another to stop it or do massive testing to know who needs to be quarantined.
I am able to handle this now. A few days ago I was only sleeping maybe 4 hours a day *with* a sleeping pill. I was exausted and a wreck. I was going down a very dark path that was not going to end well. I decided to try a big dose of mushrooms to reset my brain. I was nervous because generally that kind of thing is not recommended if you are not in a good head space but I felt it was worth the risk. I'm so glad I did that because it did exactly what I hoped. The first hour after taking them I always feel very anxious and uncomfortable. I get visions of a sterile white room with a weird little factory machine pumping out weird useless little things. I hate it because it is completely void of meaning or emotion. It gives me an empty feeling. This time I was determined to try to deal with that first bit and try to get through it in a more constructive way. This time I found a good kundalini guided meditation and I had my trusty trip partner to help me through it. I curled in a ball and listened to the voice in the video. I had the creepy factory visions for a short time but was able to redirect my mind to better, more soothing things. I felt my tension release into tears. I wept for a good 30 minutes, tears free flowing down my cheeks and I was grateful for it. I felt my walls dissolve and my angst flow out of my body. After that 30 minutes I hid under my blanket in the smallest ball I could be and laid my head down on my trip partner. She talked to me with soothing tones and held me. After that 1st hour it was sweet relief. I was smiling again and felt free in my soul. I had visions of being in the canopy of a vast forest with ferns and mosses leading up to an open cavern. The earth was fertile, the plants healthy. It was a perfect natural balance. There were clear pools of water. The temperature was perfect. It felt like I was getting a loving embrace from Mother Earth. It was absolutely lovely and perfect for what I needed. After that I was able to sleep without meds and I felt happy and comfortable. Upon waking, I still felt really good but could tell it was on fragile ground. Within another 24 hours after that I felt happy and strong. I can even look at the news now without feeling like I am spiraling. I am able to process it in a different way. Instead of looking at it as all death and destruction, I looked at it as more of a painful restructuring that was necessary. I felt like this is the earth attempting a reboot.
Will humans learn from this and fix things that desperately need fixing? We haven't up until now because business was booming and change was impossible without great sacrifice. Now we are being forced into a situation which causes collapse in the most unexpected ways so perhaps after a total collapse we will then be able to rebuild things in a better way. I say perhaps because I love me some fiction. I don't believe in humans being able to change but I also want to be wrong about that. In a way I feel honored to be alive during this period because this is a very pivotal point on the time line. This is a major thing that will be taught in history classes forever. I get to be alive for it. I get to see it first hand. That's kind of cool if you look at it like that. It's rather terrifying to be in it if you look too closely. I am in a better position than most, however. We have "essential" jobs in the healthcare industry. We make enough money to eat. We have insurance and money in savings.
I don't know what's going to happen. I only know that the numbers are shooting up so fast it makes my head spin and it is still difficult for me to accept that this is all happening. That it's real and not a dream. I no longer see very many people making light hearted jokes about it. I think over time we will start to see a lot of mental deterioration as people get more desperate with no escape.
My garden is finished with only 2 plants from a big box store. I got close but then the garden centers closed. Now I am just going to wait and see what grows and hope I get most of it going. I kind of wish I would have planted actual food but I think we'll be ok. The wild things will have plenty to eat in my backyard. I already have a Gulf Fritillary caterpillar on its host plant. That is so exciting to me! That's my focus right now. It's what gives me peace.
I will likely post again next week as things are changing so rapidly.
No comments:
Post a Comment