A few days ago I had a nightmare. Most of it is gone but one scene remains with me. I'm walking through a dimly lit forest and I come upon various wild animals with serious injuries. These injuries were all done by humans. I remember a raccoon with no skin on one of its legs. Then I came upon 2 teenage kids that were kicking 2 polar bear cubs in the guts, over and over. Though the cubs were upright, I knew they were already dead from being beaten and kicked to death. I also knew that there was no reason for any of it. Just humans being humans, destroying everything beautiful in the world. This is the general state of the world in my brain. I watch helplessly as my own species burns the world down and I have to come up with some way to endure this for several more decades without going stark raving mad. Then comes the question in my mind... Should I remain totally aware of the horror or medicate myself into artificially induced inner peace? Insanity and authenticity on one hand, fake plastic happiness on the other. Decisions, decisions.
This unfortunate state of mind has me going deeper and deeper into my cave of isolation, which is also depressing as hell. I mean, I'm isolated because of my work schedule... every weekend night shift for a year now. I am practically anxious for the other night nurse to die so I can take his shifts. He's a very nice guy and I hold nothing against him but I do have small resentments that he won't share weekends with me since he has already told me he has no social life to speak of and just sits home all the time. Well dude, YOU work the fucking weekend then! His doctor ordered him to stop working 5 nights a week due to his health. It must seem terrible that I just see it as one domino knocked over in the quest for being able to work week days. Neither of us want to give up the case because it's so awesome. If he dies, I'll be super sad. I'll cry at his funeral... And then I'll demand his shifts. Damn... another question to answer... How soon will be too soon to make my demands? Better not do it before he croaks but how soon after is acceptable? Dear Abby....
While I'm on my morbid kick, I noticed an article floating through FB where Colorado is the next state discussing the right to die. I wanted to ask if they thought it would ever be acceptable for 2 people to make that choice together because they never wanted to be without the other. I decided not to post it since it was public and that might be upset delicate sensibilities. I'm not making any plans here... Just curious about what the future will be like.
A week, or so, ago, I had a little brain excursion with a family member and her spouse. It was great in a way because we were all chemically altered and talking through a lot of deep stuff. I was hesitant to use it as it would "open up all empathy" and honestly, I don't really need help in that department. That part made it alarming to me. The only thing that pulled me in was that there was also a happy and calm aspect to it. Yes, I can use more of that, thank you very much. So one thing that I got from it was that I need to lower my expectation of humans and their intelligence. This might seem strange coming from me because I expect the worst, but I'm also disappointed constantly, which suggests that deep down I expect better than I say I do. Expectations lead to disappointment. I also got to know my family member and her spouse better, which is amazing, because they live very far away and my family member is one of the few that really gets me. I mean REALLY gets me. We also have a hard time finding others who get us. I wondered to myself, if either of us would live to old age. I got a strong sense of mortality from both of us. We have horrid DNA and generations of abuse, rage, depression... Just overall our family tree is horrible in relationships of every kind. We are incredibly messed up and it's a wonder we have even survived this far. I felt like I needed to cherish every moment I can get with her and her husband because I don't know how long I have left... whether it be my mortality or hers or both of us. It all just feels very temporary.
She and my mother can't stand each other. We did talk a bit about our moms, who feud with each other, but, for some reason, still want to hang out, and the need from both of us to defend our moms to each other. I honestly don't know her mom that well but never had a good impression and she is the same about my mom. I know my mom better than she does, which makes me more forgiving of my mom's flaws, and I believe she is the same way with hers. Normally we have a rule not to discuss our moms with each other but that night we did a bit and there were no hard feelings... It was mostly just filling in the blanks of things we never talk about because I only ever hear my mom's side and she only ever hears her mom's side. I also know this family member way more than my mom does, so I understand her. Both of them think the other are horrible, worthless human beings. I defend them to each other. It really comes down to communication styles. I have to baby my mom a lot so she doesn't get hurt but I also know that she really does feel that hurt deeply. I don't want to hurt her so I go easy on her most of the time. My other family member is blunt like me and doesn't want to go gentle on her because she doesn't believe my mom deserves it easier. My mom refuses to get aggressive with anyone because it goes against her nature and her internalized rule book. So on and on it goes... round and round and round. They don't speak to each other because each refuses to speak in a way the other will hear it. Such is life. I love them both.
I'm so very tired in my soul... So so so tired. I don't want to be a human anymore. I don't want to be on this planet anymore.
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