It's been forever since I wrote last. It's nearly time for me to go to bed so I can be up in time to go to my doctor's appointment. Today was a mid-term election and Republicans took control of the senate. Okay. Everyone is up in arms about it. They are shocked and upset that a Republican won Texas governor. Really? Texas has been red for so long and lines are drawn to guarantee a win for them so why the shock and emotional upset? It's just the same thing as it's been for years. They really thought Texas was suddenly blue? *sigh* I mean really, nothing major is going to change. I guess they will see in time.
In other news, I have a lump in my breast. I discovered it nearly a week ago. I was surprised. It never occurred to me that I would ever feel something like that. Breast cancer does not run in my family. It doesn't concern me greatly... maybe not even a little. Well a tiny bit, yes. I mean there's a chance that I have it. I've had ideas in my head about stuff like that. You know how we always say, "Well if that happened to ME, I'd..." It's easy to say things like that when the idea is an abstract or unrealistic. My feelings are a little confusing. I have to wonder why I'm not horribly stressed about it. Is it because the chances are that it's nothing or that I just don't value my life all that much? Maybe a little of both. I mean it's not that my life isn't good. It's great, really. I think it got good too late. I was chatting with a co-worker the other day who talked about life going way too fast and how she wants to live to be old. Hrm... I said to her, "I assume you've had a pretty good life up until this point?" She said, "Yes." That explains a lot. Up until 5 years ago my life has mostly sucked and been full of pain and discord. Up until 5 years ago I felt like life was a prison sentence... That this mortal life was the real Hell... You know, like boot camp. So it's weird to me to think of people wanting to cling to it and make it go on as long as possible. Time does seem to go by quickly, but life feels pretty damned long to me.
I do mostly enjoy my life now. I still find it incredibly stressful. I feel like I'm swimming like mad just to hang on to the good stuff. I guess I haven't gotten to the point where I can relax and feel like I get to keep it. I expect it to be ripped away from me at any moment. I convinced myself years ago that I simply wasn't meant to be one of those people who got to have a healthy long-term relationship or a sense of a normal life. Now I have it but it feels like it's precariously balanced. I've never had the luxury of having a sense of permanence of anything. Everything changes and it changes constantly and quickly. It's been rare for me to go a whole year without my life massively changing in ways that I could not have imagined. I have actually forced sameness into my life. Sometimes it drives me crazy with boredom and meaninglessness. I mean I feel like my life now resembles most mainstream people... At least in many ways. I have a house and furniture and a job and a marriage and kitties. I have a family and "stable" life, for the most part. But I look at it and think... Okay so this is it? This is what people do for their whole lives and that's IT?
I don't really know what I expect. More color, I guess. My prison is definitely more comfortable now and more peaceful. Partly that is due to me just going inside myself. Over time I am more and more withdrawn from people. I speak less, ignore more. Many things I worried about before I worry less about now. My main worry is making sure that we are protected, should one of us perish. Of course, living in Texas, we don't have that. I fucking hate Texas. We have a house in order to make money off of it. We are staying where we're at, for the time being, because it's more prudent for our future, assuming we live to retirement.
Tomorrow I'm going to my appointment and I expect I'll have a bit more knowledge than I did before but won't likely have any answers. If it's cancer, then I have to decide what lengths I want to go to attempt to get rid of it or just spend the rest of my life helping my partner to prepare and be protected. I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of living in pain and nausea. I'm afraid of being a burden to my loved ones and traumatizing them with my deterioration.
I guess we'll see what happens.
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