Nothing new has been done on the ayahuasca front. There may be complications forming but time will tell with that. I am still willing to go it alone, if need be. I will see what the Universe has in store and go with the flow.
It's been a while since I updated. As you know, I have been floundering and having a bit of an existential crisis. I've cut all my hair off so it's now very short and also bleached it as light as I can get it. I no longer feel invisible in that regard. I actually love how low maintenance it is and how edgy it looks. At first I found myself dressing more feminine and wearing make up and false boobs more to compensate but I've now let that go. Back to giving no fucks, which is good. I mean, internally I'm curious as to how people interpret me with a flat chest and short hair next to Shaun, who is transgender but it's more a curiosity than a worry. I also started going to PFLAG meetings and I have really liked that atmosphere and the people in it. I would say that majority of people I have seen in attendance has been trans folks and it's been every age group and every variation of gender non conformity. Pretty cool! One is a very young person that has some serious mental issues to overcome. Her dad did not allow her to transition when she was younger and though it hasn't been said in plain English, it's pretty apparent she was very abused and fucked up mentally by it. Her mom is dealing with it all like a champ though. I suppose if I were in the situation I would deal with it. I mean it's easy to say "There's no way..." but I know better. When it's your kid and you love them, you figure out a way to deal. I've been worried about having no group to fit into but I do think I fit in to that group well. Really nice people in there. I even got Shaun to go to one with me, to my surprise, and he also really enjoyed it.
I have started really getting into gardening in the last month or two as well. I have barely begun but one area of my backyard has been turned into a paradise for hummingbirds. Every plant in it makes a flower that caters to hummingbirds and it is SO fun and rewarding to watch them come in. One of the plants I got that was my only impulse buy is their favorite one. They virtually ignore all the others for that one but some will carefully inspect each plant. I got a pretty rock fountain for my birthday because I read that they are attracted to the sound of running water. I have yet to see one take a bird bath in it but other birds do and that is so great to see. It's just a great feeling to create something for wildlife and then they actually use it. I feel like I'm actually contributing to making the earth a tiny bit better rather than just being a cancer to it. At some point I'll rent a tiller from the hardware store and map out the other areas I want to plant in. I've already ordered tons of bulbs to plant in the fall. It's very expensive to transform the back yard so I'm kind of dong it a little at a time. I wish I had about $15K to just pay some people to do it in a few days. I just no longer have the strength and stamina that I used to. I will get it done though. Shaun's been really awesome about letting me be spendy on the garden. The rest of the yard will be more catered to butterflies and bees. I got a bee house to hang on our big tree but I don't think it will be very useful until next year. It's SO wonderful to be surrounded by blooming and growing things, and animals that thrive in it. I want to create a little oasis.
My mom is really wanting to have a family vacation in Hawaii to celebrate her 70th birthday. I do want to do it but don't want family drama. There are already problems cropping up. Whyyyyyyy... Why can't my famliy just be normal and get along? I may just tell her to just let me know the dates and don't want to hear anything else going on about it. I'll just do the things with her she wants to do. Family is super important to her and though she is annoyingly weak minded and needs to smoke a doob to calm her ass down, it's her birthday vacation so if other family members want to go off and do their own thing to avoid her, then just don't come. Seriously. I haven't even gone and already ready to be back home. LOL... Anyway, just gonna put that in a box for later because that's way far off.
We are now in full swing for the presidential debates for next year's election. If the Youtube time traveler has a right, Dump will get re-elected. The upside to that is if the time traveler is real, we'll also get to meet aliens in 2029 and time travel will be possible. Yeah baby! Focusing on the silver lining. I give myself permission to check out of all of that bullshit whenever it gets overwhelming.
Shaun's transition is moving right along. He was sick a few weeks ago and his voice legit sounded like Barry White. Holy shit. It was so deep I actually had a hard time understanding him because it sounded like mumbling. Crazy.
On a last note, I think the next time I go in for a med check with my doc, I'm going to ask her to lower the dose of my anti-depressant because I feel myself going numb inside. I don't like feeling nothing. I'd rather feel bad than nothing.
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