I really hate this time of year. I love the pretty lights and stuff but for the last... 5 years? It's just maddening. I am trying to deal with health stuff and the holidays get in the way. Why can't people just do their fucking jobs? Why do they go insane just because Christmas is coming up? Like that takes precedence over everything else. Well this is my life I'm trying to salvage. You get paid to help me try to do that so do your fucking job. I'm sick of dealing with incompetence and it's from every corner of my oncologist office right now. I'm tired and grumpy because I got 3 phone calls waking me up and it was 100% pure incompetence. A waste of my fucking sleep time. I have abnormally high levels of sodium so I got another blood test a week later. Then my sodium was higher and creatinine was abnormal. So there's talk of me going to stay in the hospital a few days while a nephrologist pokes and prods me to figure out what's wrong. Then at the eleventh hour, incompetence. Taking my sleep away. Now I am supposed to take another lab test Monday and wait for another nephrologist to call me. I don't know what the fuck is going on and normally I'd blow this off but silly me did a big of Googling, trying to match what goes with those labs and other stuff I'm dealing with and the only thing it points to is kidney disease/failure, which points to dialysis or a transplant. NOOOOOO.... Every time I think about it I start bawling. Sometimes I wonder if my body is just trying to die because it's tired. I say it's not a big deal but now I'm scared. I'm really, really scared. I cannot be tied to a dialysis machine. I know way too much about that shit. Just take me behind the shed and shoot me like a lame horse. That terrifies me too. Will I be in tons of pain? Will I linger on suffering? Will I spend every day shaking in fear? Why can't things just be normal?
This thing started tonight when I was eating a chocolate ball and suddenly got so nauseous I had to spit it out. I felt like I was going to puke for about an hour. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. Maybe I'm just overreacting and it's a fluke. My body is just having a momentary sputter before gets going again. Where's my reboot switch? Sometimes that's all it needs.
I finally feel like I'm getting out in the world again. I'm doing stuff and being social and happy and now I want things to be okay and keep going but what if my body is just done with me? Maybe I wouldn't have all these pauses in figuring it out if Christmas could just go the fuck away and stop getting in my way.
Also I am so goddamned sick and tired of being cold. I am always fucking COLD.
I am trying to stay focused on the good things in my life. I'm going to therapy with Shaun to work on our communication skills and make sure we are doing our poly thing the right way. Then in a month I get a new back yard and I get to start filling it with plants that make flowers and fruit and bring hungry and thirsty little critters. It is really fun to think about that so let's just keep thinking about that stuff. My GF is amazing and the relationship is so easy it's weird. I've never had a really easy relationship before. We just... fit. I navigate the biology part because the rest of the package is just so amazing it's totally worth it and I realize that my stance on dating someone transgender was just stupid. I'm still wrapping my mind around it all but it's all making me a better person. We are both learning a lot and just want to learn more and more.
I don't want her to see me this upset though. I know she'd want to be there to comfort me but I just want to hide away in a corner and have a major freak out and then maybe things will be ok for another minute.
No comments:
Post a Comment