Back to normal

Shaun told me the other day I hadn't posted since River died.  I didn't realize that.  I barely picked up my laptop during my time off but I'm back at work now and using my laptop.  The latter half of my radiation was pretty intense and while I love to blog my raw emotions in the moment to capture the feeling, I draw the line where it comes to relationship stuff with Shaun because I know how that negative feeling can stick with others even if things get solved.  Let's just say that I don't handle things well when I am overwhelmed with stress and pain.  I lost my shit a few times over things that were legit problems but I took them above and beyond what was necessary.  It took a bit of time to get over that hump.  I did manage to finish radiation but I nearly cancelled the last one.  The second to last treatment was awful because I was so raw that when a nurse tried to draw on my skin with a marker, I screamed because it felt like she just sliced my skin open.  It felt like that for probably the next 24 hours.  Awful. 

I am now in physical therapy and according to her, it will likely be a lifelong need.  I was fitted for a bra with boob prosthetics and a sleeve and glove for lymphedema.  I am supposed to get a call in the next week or 2 to go pick them up.  I'm so excited to have a normal looking body again even if I'll have to wear a sleeve and glove everywhere.  I've decided that for me, losing my hair was WAY easier than losing my boobs.  It's been hard to ever feel attractive since then. I feel like I stand out in a way I don't want to.  I'm married to a trans person who got a double mastectomy and I've had a double mastectomy and I... okay I'll admit the confusion that could result from that can be amusing.  Still, if I stand out I want it to be on my terms.

Another thing that I think affected me in a huge way was that Shaun and I focused so much on processing my possible death that we totally forgot about the life part.  Everything was put on hold while I had treatment and I get that it makes pragmatic sense, but it also ripped every bit of hope and joy from me.  It felt punative.  I need things to look forward to besides being done with treatment.  All these things have been discussed and we are a better couple for it.  It's just hard being in the middle of it.

Since then we have booked another cruise.  The last cruise was kind of the "Last Cruise" mentality where I learned halfway through that my biopsy showed I really had cancer again.  We spent a ton on pictures but nothing on excursions.  We are redoing the same cruise but this time taking some friends with us and we booked an amazing room.  It's a suite and it's a SWEET suite!  We plan to take a few excursions.  I need to swim with some sting rays and frolic in water falls.  It's still almost a year away but it's something to look forward to and I haven't really had that in a while. 

It might seem silly but I want to travel as much as I can right now not because I think I'll die or be debilitated by cancer, but by the state of the world.  Between the effects of climate change and the polarization of countries and all humans, I feel like something will happen there very soon that will make it impossible to travel for leisure reasons.  I just want to get as much in as I can.  Treat each day as if it will be the last.

I'm SO happy to be back to work.  I feel like I have purpose again and I missed my sweet patient and his family.  When I got back he hugged me a bunch and said he was so glad I was back and he missed me real bad while I was gone.  That kid just melts my stone cold heart.  I adore him.  Then he asked me if I brought him a present.  Ha!  Well to be fair, it was his birthday the day before I came in and I did indeed get him a present but I forgot to bring it with me.  Things feel mostly back to normal and even my pain from working is back full force.  I will do what I've always done.  Do stretches, massages and take pain meds until I'm so crippled I can no longer work.  Hopefully that's still a ways off.