2018 can officially suck a bag of dicks.
Okay it hasn't been all bad but the past few months have been horrible. Early morning on the 21st, I stayed up late in order to flip back to nights with Shaun. I didn't have long until I had to get up and go to chemo so instead of taking a sleeping pill, I took a benzo. Those put me out for 4 hours, almost to the minute. Perfect. Then Shaun asks me which cat(s) are in the room with me. Just Noodle. He says River is meowing and he can't find her. I got up to help him look and we found her way back in the office inside a wooden crate originally intended for a place for the kitties to hang out in while we were in there but they never used it, so it was odd to see her in there. As I approached her she didn't move but just started meowing like crazy. Not like "Oh hi Mom!" but "Something is wrong. I'm scared. Help me!" I was actually a little nervous to pet her because I've seen her when she's in pain and scared at the same time and she kind of loses her mind. She didn't bite or hiss though. She just kept meowing while I petted her and talked to her. It dawned on me that perhaps the problem was that she couldn't actually get up and walk.
I pulled her from the crate and her back legs were totally flaccid. The second she got near the rug she started trying to drag herself using her front paws alone, to hide. I couldn't find any indication that anything was wrong with her spine. I had no clue what was happening or how she even got in that crate since it has a good 5" clearing to crawl inside. That's a question I doubt I'll ever get an answer to.
Shaun was freaking out and I had to ask him to try to remain calm since kitties are so sensitive to our emotions. I knew she was scared and didn't want to make things worse. I calmly talked to her, petted her and kissed her while Shaun started making phone calls. We found a 24 hour vet to take her to. She cried the entire time.
After telling the vet her history of her cough, he agreed with our suspected diagnosis of CHF and had a hunch about what was wrong with her. If it was what he thought it was, they would need only to take a blood sugar reading from a front leg and back leg. His hunch was right. Her front leg blood sugar was in the 500's. The back leg was in the 100's. He explained why that was but what it boiled down to was she had a blood clot that had formed in her aorta, blocking the flow to the lower half of her body. He explained that there were some things they could try that may work but they would be temporary solutions and most likely would not work. He said it would take daily meds to maintain, assuming it did work and that the problem would keep occurring.
This is the problem with a kitty like River. When I first spotted her at the rescue, she hated humans. Big red letters on her paper said "NEEDS SOCIALIZATION' or something to that effect. She was like a feral kitty. She loved other kitties but did not like humans. I wanted her anyway and was perfectly fine with just making sure she had every need met. They had to chase her all around the room, her hissing and growling and screeching the whole time. Her trust was hard won and it didn't take much to lose it, so things like vet trips and meds required us to chase her around the house until she was exhausted and terrified of us. It would set her back a lot in regards to trusting us and feeling safe. So instead, we would only take her to the vet when something was wrong and we'd opt for longer acting meds that cost more. It was better for everyone.
We asked the doc if she was in pain or just scared. He said she was definitely in pain. We opted to have her euthanized. I was so hoping the answer was some type of deficiency that could be fixed with an IV. Shaun feared the worst and he was right. We just wanted her to stop hurting.
Shaun cradled her head while I talked to her softly and pet and kissed her. She never stopped meowing until it was over. We talked to them about cremation and such but I remembered handing my dead son over to the coroner and not wanting to let go of him. I decided I didn't want to let go of River and wanted to take her home with us. We had to drive to another 24 hour place further into Austin to get the clay paw print thing that some places do. They didn't charge us for it. We were both a mess, bawling non stop. I just wanted to hold her as long as I could.
When we got her home I called Noodle over so he would understand that River was dead so he wouldn't just be wondering what happened to her. They got along pretty well when she was alive. I opened the bag a little and exposed some of her fur. He walked around the bag sniffing it and finally got to her fur. He buried his nose in her fur and really smelled her. I think he understood. Shaun insisted on digging the hole right away and didn't want any help with it. I picked the spot, under the tree with the hanging bird feeders, in front of the catio. He dug the hole and Noodle sat by her body the whole time and we all said our goodbyes to that sweet wild girl.
Last week she wanted so many pets and loves from us, she'd lay right between us on the bed and gently paw each of us to pet her. She went back and forth pawing each of us for more pets. She loved my kisses and would roll around and purr. She wasn't particularly outgoing. She did love her lovins but anytime she sensed she might be in a tight spot, she'd bolt. She hated being held or picked up and she got overwhelmed easily with too much stimulation, but we always loved her unconditionally and on her own terms. I do feel that she had a good life, even though it was only 7 years long. She was deeply embedded in both our hearts.
Shaun has taken this especially hard. Not only had he never had to have a pet euthanized but he felt a pretty deep soul connection with her. There's been some crying off and on, lots of talking about memories of her and general feelings of blah and sadness. He didn't want any holiday decor out anymore so we took it all down last night. I honestly didn't think that would help but he said it did so it was worth it. He said he never understood how people would be so depressed after their pet died but he gets it now. I guess he just never had that strong bond before. We have a digital picture frame that changes pics every few seconds and it's turned off. I don't know when it will be turned on again but right now he can't see pics of her without losing it.
I know things like this take time. We will get through it together.
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