Cancer gives and it takes away

Several months ago I responded to a FB post from a friend of a friend who was wanting to do photo shoots of breast cancer survivors in order to make a book.  It was one woman's journey to her own healing through artistic expression.  She had asked me for a write up on my journey through my diagnosis and I hadn't heard from her until yesterday.  She came to mind from time to time but since I hadn't heard from her in so long I thought the project had been abandoned.  Apparently due to people lagging behind on sending her their write ups (that includes me), it's just taking longer than she anticipated.  I've decided to use this medium because I didn't want to put something long and thoughtful in messenger.  Here seems more appropriate, so here goes...

Being a realist and often a nihilist, I was hesitant to write this but I figure with all the women out there dealing with cancer, some of you may find something worthwhile through my eyes.  I'm not the type to paint a rosy picture of breast cancer or the aftermath of it, though I will give a balanced view.  My diagnosis was a total shock to me.  I have no cancer gene, no cases in my family history, and at the time, I was spending a fortune on "clean eating", everything organic, locally sourced, grain fed, pastured... you get the picture.  I used natural supplements to stay healthy and I really did have an amazing immune system... well except for cancer.  When I found the lump I was in denial for a few weeks and to make matters worse, it was right before the holidays so getting all the tests done and a plan of action going was a huge headache.  The worst part was the waiting.  Once I knew what I was dealing with and had a plan, the main challenge was just patience.  I was very anti chemo and radiation.  I even had it in my living will that I'd rather die than do it.

Lesson #1:  You really can't know what you're going to do in a situation until you're in it.

I wanted to do things naturally but there's so much information to sift through and most of it isn't going to be true.  Plus insurance will only pay for poison.  Yes, that's what it is.  Just keeping things real.  You hope the poison kills your cancer before it kills you.  The side effects are horrid.  Please don't waste too much energy on losing your hair.  It will be the least of your problems and honestly, being bald comes in handy when the hot flashes hit.  Wigs and hats were often too hot to me and the steroids changed me.  I was fearless, bold and could not compute sarcasm.  Everything was taken literally.

Lesson #2:  When faced with a life threatening disease, mundane everyday worries on top of it will crush you so just let those go.  Let other people's comfort become their concern.

Since I had no immune system, I didn't get out very often but when I did, I did it bald.  Some women cheered me.  Some gave me looks of pity.  Once I got confrontational with a total stranger for treating our waitress poorly.  I literally yawned in his face while he yelled at me.  Go steroids!

Lesson #3:  You'll learn who your support system really is and it will surprise you who stays and who goes.  Let the leavers go.  You never had them, really.

Cancer can come with its own gifts, if you choose to see them.  You will find out that there are people you really thought you could trust and depend on who will ditch you like a defective toy.  You'll have people you never really connected to who will reach out to you and support you in ways you never imagined.  It's a very effective, and sometimes painful, way to weed out who deserves to stay in your inner circle and who doesn't.  You are worthy of being loved and supported.  Know it and repeat it to yourself whenever it's needed.  Sometimes marriages break up over it.  Sometimes it makes them stronger.  I'm incredibly grateful I was part of the latter group.

I personally hate when people use terms like "fight" and "strong" in regards to cancer because it implies that if a person dies from it they were weak.  While a healthy "positive" outlook can be beneficial, it won't cure cancer and feeling down and depressed about it won't make it kill you.  Every body (not a typo) is different.  Every treatment is different.  I have a strong personality but cancer treatments made my body weak.  I was more sensitive to the treatments than the majority.  I chose not to do all my treatments because personally, it's more important to me to have a quality life than a long life.  Some side effects are permanent and I had to choose whether or not I was willing to live with them for the rest of my life.  Some I wasn't and discontinued that particular treatment.  Everything is a crap shoot.  You can do all the treatments and still get cancer again.  You can do none of them and live a long life.  It's all based on a percentage.  Yes, your oncologist will be the expert, but you still need to advocate for yourself and decide what is right for you based on the information you have.

Lesson #4:  Learn as much as you can about your cancer type and treatments offered and know that some side effects will last the rest of your life.  That's important.

Four years later, my short term memory is scary bad.  I have more body pain and less physical strength.  I tire far more easily and have difficulty adjusting to hot and cold weather.  That was with me doing less than half my treatments.

On the positive side, I'm better about setting healthy boundaries and not letting mundane worries get to me too much.  I live more in the now and spend less time worrying about the past or future.  Once you get cancer, you'll always have that sword hanging over your head, just waiting to fall.  It forced me to not take things in life for granted as much.  I try to get the most out of whatever time I have left on this earth.  I think everyone would benefit from living like that because anything can happen to any of us at any time, right?  Consequently, I recently found out my cancer is back.  This time I've chosen to have a complete double mastectomy and do radiation.  I refused radiation last time because of the side effects, which brings me to the next lesson.

Lesson #5:  There's nothing like cancer and the treatments to give you a big life lesson on having perspective.

When the terror of door #1 looks like a picnic compared to the likely outcome behind door #2, I'll suck it up and take the radiation.  It won't be helpful to anyone to get too far into this one but it is definitely about having quality over quantity.  Death doesn't scare me anymore.  A lifetime of pain and suffering is what keeps me up at night.

What it really comes down to for me is that the good times should be cherished, as well as true friends.  I do my best to be the best me I can be, live life to the fullest.  Cancer comes with a heavy price but it also comes bearing gifts.  This mortal coil can be noisy, especially with social media.  I've learned to distance myself from the drains of it.  I'm not going to change the world, but I can make my tiny corner a better place for me. I can more easily pick the battles that are worthy of my energy.  I have more gratitude for things I may have not paid attention to before.    I'm going to end this with one more lesson that you should probably not broadcast.

Lesson #6:  Use your C-card whenever you damned well please.

I really hate pity.  It negates everything positive and every forward step.  Nonetheless, people will pity you.  They will offer to help.  Most won't mean it but if they are going to pity you, make them work for it.  When you hear "Let me know if I can do anything to help", give them a job.  Bring you food, clean your house, give you a ride somewhere because you are too special to drive.  Make sure you keep a straight face.  Also, you can get out of uncomfortable situations like unwanted people at your front door.  Just be your bald pitiful self and most who have even the tiniest soul will not pressure you into buying whatever they are selling.  I even got a really great deal on a new car and did it all through email so all I had to do was go in and sign the paperwork.  Hey, it's just making the most out of the situation!

Hopefully that ends it on a humorous note and whoever reads this, I wish the best for you.  Honor yourself and however you process what you're going through.  Just do the best you can do.  That's all you can do and that's enough.

Unapologetically yours,

A strong, bold, loving, fierce, nutty human who happens to have cancer