Slight update before the real post... I'm done with all my scans, which are all clear except a 3 mm lump in my liver. Okay sounds scary but in looking at my scans from 4 years ago, the lump was there then too. Likely it's benign, though it would have been nice to have been told about it 4 years ago and have it investigated further then. I met with the radiologist and was hoping to hear I'd just need a few treatments after the surgery but she wants 6 to 8 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week. I think I'm more scared of that than the surgery. Anyway, I'm feeling super overwhelmed inside and yet, still need to function and get things done. I do have my ways of getting through things like this so that's what this post is about.
Now for the actual blog post...
Two of my cousins messaged me a few days ago. They are sisters so I assume that wasn't a coincidence. Both totally well meaning but I found myself feeling very annoyed and on the surface, I wasn't sure exactly why. I was being asked a lot of questions not only regarding my surgery and cancer updates, but how I feel about them. I mean the obvious answer here is I was annoyed because people are so fucking lazy and dependent on Facebook for all info. I plainly state in my FB that my updates are in MeWe, but no, they need me to repeatedly update each and every single one of them personally through messenger. No. I have neither the time, energy or desire to do that.
It was more than that though. I was more annoyed by the questions about my emotions surrounding it. I had to think it over a few days before figuring it out. This is one of those "knowing myself" moments. The best thing I've ever done for myself is to figure out who I am and why I process things the way I do. It's a sort of ongoing therapy... a decluttering of it's own.
So why was I annoyed? I figured it out.
Many people who have known me a long time and know some of the horrific things I've been through, have never understood how I've managed to survive it. That's how I get the "strong" label. Well this is how I survive when I'm going through a nightmare. I kind of go into clinical/business mode. I engage my brain maybe 80% and my heart 20%, or less. For me survival mode is all about the basics. Grief is a luxury. All my energy goes to keeping my head above water long enough to even get to a point where I am allowed to grieve. I need to make sure we can survive financially while I'm out of work. I need to make sure I have Plan A, B, C and D in order for whatever may occur. Life insurace? Check. Disability pay? Check. A job when it's all done? Check. House cleaned and provisions obtained? Check. All doctor and scan appointments put in calendar? Check. The list goes on. I'm a survivor. It's in my DNA. Being emotionally healthy is not hard wired into me. I have to go with what I know in times of dire need. Any emotional energy I can muster up goes to Shaun 100%. My relationship is my priority. Keeping our home calm and peaceful, while still being real, is a huge undertaking for me. When I get stressed I tend to lash out. It takes a lot out of me to not give into that.
So until the immediate crisis is over, my grief gets tucked into a little box and pushed under the bed for a later time. Or maybe we could say it gets tucked into a muscle on the right side of my back about midway down and all my neck muscles. Still, it's an improvement over the past.
Right now, I want to savor every pain free moment I have. I want to embrace every feeling of freedom, of feeling good, of being able to feel productive and loved and alive. Wallowing in self pity does nothing for me. All it would do is shit all over everything good I actually DO have. Sadness is looking at the past. Fear is looking at the future. Do I have both? Hell fucking yes. I just choose not to give it the center stage. Right now I just want to savor every good moment I have and try not to take it for granted by focusing on the wrong things.
I absolutely am grateful for friends and family extending to me, but the last thing I want to do is talk more about my cancer. I'd rather just shoot the shit like if it's any other day. I'd rather listen to other people's problems for a while. Sometimes it's nice to have a distraction from my own shit. I mean, we all have our shit to deal with in life. We all sometimes go through serious shit. Traumatic life altering shit. I don't rank it on a pain scale. I'd like to be able to be there for someone else as they are for me and I like it when people give me the chance to. I'm not good at reaching out right now because when I'm in crisis mode I tend to turn inward. It's sort of like a sprint vs a marathon. I am in marathon mode right now so I'm conserving my energy. I don't have the extra energy to reach out to others but when I get lost in myself it's nice to get pulled out of it by a friend.
I want to laugh. I want to smile. Give me conversation that does those. Another cousin tells me of all the crazy shit that goes on in her life and it's great. It's exactly what I need. Cuz loves! I want my life to feel as normal as possible. That's what keeps me stable and is what I need. The earth beneath me is crumbling. The sky above me is dark and ominous. Those are two things I have no control over. All I can do is control myself. (Also praise Cymbalta! I should totally be a spokesperson for them). All I can do is choose how I'm going to react and how I react right now is taking things day by day, moment to moment and cherish every single good thing, no matter how small.
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