The Sword Falls

Wow, it's been a minute.  They say pain brings the most inspiration to create.  The past 4 years have been the best of my life.  I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world except to have 4 more.  The jury is out on that one.  Recently I found another lump in the same spot as the last one.  I just knew instantly, it was cancer again.  This time I didn't sit on it.  I called to Shaun immediately to feel it.  His head dropped just like mine did.  We just knew.  He had a med appointment with the doc the next morning so I decided to tag along just to have her opinion.  I ended up making a real appointment while I was there, piggy-backing on Shaun's.  Within an hour I was on my way to get a mammogram and ultrasound.  She's good.  I didn't want things to stretch into the Christmas season like they did last time.  That was a total nightmare.  I made them tell me the truth.  They said it was most likely cancer.  Two days later I was getting another needle biopsy.  I have to drive far to get these appointments done back to back.  I also had to get a new surgeon since my previous one was no longer with my insurance.  This one had a much better bedside manner.  Shaun wasn't able to be there this time because it was the same day his cadet class was graduating so I had a good friend go as my stand-in support.  He has terminal cancer himself and was more than happy to help.  He's such a good man.  The world will be a bit darker when he leaves it.  There were trees all around this clinic and a pond where people fished.  I could see the pond and trees out the windows in the waiting room.  I was thinking it was such a great view for such depressing work.  I was scared shitless for the biopsy because last time was so traumatic.  Last time I had to lay face down on a hard cold table where I was pinned in and a huge needle was shot like a harpoon into my breast.  There wasn't enough numbing medicine inside and I felt every bit of it. That's what I was afraid of happening this time but it was much better.  This time I laid on my back and if I felt anything I told the doc and she would give me more Lidocaine.  They wouldn't let my friend hold my hand but the nurse did.  Daquiri was her name.  I told her I'd be drinking them in a few days when I went on my cruise.  She was nice.  I left my appointment and hugged and thanked my friend.  Then I left it behind me and we went on our cruise, determined not to let it spoil our vacation.  I still had to go to work that night, which was awful but not as bad as I thought it would be, considering I only got maybe 4 hours of sleep.  I made it through though, and that night we packed all our bags and got ready to drive to Galveston for our cruise.

We meant for this cruise to be a fun way to get some Tramadol in Mexico but it ended up being a bit more expensive than we anticipated.  We decided we wanted to drink... a lot.  Helps with compartmentalizing.  We spent nearly a thousand dollars on 2 drink packages so we could drink as much as we wanted without worrying.  I was drunk, usually, twice per day.  We would nap, eat and drink.  Nap, eat and drink.  We spent a lot of time lounging on the bed and on the balcony and met 3 women who all grew up together.  We ended up hanging out with them a lot and we did go with them to get Tramadol.  We ended up doing more than we planned hanging with them.  They were all 65 but in some ways I felt like Shaun and I were more geriatric with all our health issues.  We shopped and then took a taxi to Carlos and Kelly's or whatever restaurant sounds like that.  The big tourist chain one but this one was on the beach.  Oh I had the BEST ceviche of my life.  It was amazing!!!  We all ordered and shared food, got yard long fruity drinks and took pictures.  A few steps off their deck took us to a white sandy beach with umbrellas for shade and lots of fun floaty things in the water.  I stayed in the shade.  Shaun got a henna tattoo he now wants as a real one.  After a while of having our toes in the sand and water, we took a taxi back to the boat.

I called the doc, as this was the only port I would have cell service.  It was on Tuesday and that was the day they told me to expect the results of my biopsy.  The doc was busy doing surgery so I talked to the nurse about having her send me an email as soon as she knew because they would not be able to get through once we left the port.  A few hours later I got the confirmation.  It was only a few sentences long but said the cancer was back.  We weren't surprised but admittedly I was pretty disappointed since she said she was on the fence about it being cancer.  I had a sliver of hope but we did know.  The few people we talked to about it before the cruise were all pushing us to "be positive", as if that would change an outcome.  Let me tell you what really sucks.  What really hurts is to be positive and get your hopes up and then get to see all those hopes in a shattered pool of blood on the sidewalk.  I allowed myself to get real about it in a hurry and it saved me from a whole lot of spiraling.  We made a promise to each other that we would keep an open line of communication through this whole thing, no matter what.  Last time we tried shielding each other from our own feelings.  My shoulders can handle more now and so can Shaun's.  While cancer made my body weaker, it made my marriage stronger.  We did our "what next" talk.

We ended up spending a lot on pictures too.  The private black and white photo shoot was supposed to be free and just for fun but to us it was also possibly the last opportunity we had to capture cherished moments so yeah, we ended up spending an arm and a leg on pictures, but damn they are good.  The photographer was good at selling too.  She turned them into a slide show and put music to it.  Shaun had tears just rolling down his cheeks, which she wasn't prepared for, so I explained.  I admit, I was hoping she would feel bad for us and throw us a pity discount but no.  I really think she would have if she could have.

So I managed to make it 4 years, almost to the day, between cancer diagnosises... is that a word?  Right now, my plan is no treatment and work as long as I can.  That explanation and some possible wrenches in that plan will be explained in my next post.  My shift is almost up and my focus will be on going home, getting a few snuggles and kisses in with Shaun and going to bed to do it all over again.