Fungated

I was holding off posting until I had some actual forward movement with treating this cancer but there hasn't been any but it's been annoying enough to blog about.  I waited 8 days to find out my insurance rejected the order for the PET scan.  I don't totally understand why, though I did call around to ask.  The lady who read through all the notes says it doesn't make much sense why.  She told me I should appeal the decision.  Guess how long that takes?  Another week just to get an answer.  Besides my impatience to get going on this because of what it is, we are headed into the holiday season which makes getting anything done that normally operates during bank hours damn near impossible.  Along with that, all emergency service employees that work in the city of Austin will be on the same insurance, which means not the one I'm on right now.  That changes with the new year.  I really don't know how that would impact my current treatment but regardless, I want to stick it to United Healthcare while I still have the chance.  I fucking hate that insurance company.  There's nothing quite like an insurance company to really drive home just how insignificant you really are.

The next step is doing a CT and bone scan.  Two days ago, when I was rejected, I was told by the oncology scheduler that an order would be put in that day so I can get it scheduled.  I called yesterday and the order was never put in.  ARGH!  That lady said she'd put it in right away and call me back to schedule.  I got no call back.  I called the surgeon's nurse and asked if we can go ahead and schedule a mastectomy and radiation because regardless of how the scans turn out, I want that fucking thing out of me.  If you are brave and have a strong stomach, do a google image search on "fungated breast tumor".  That's what this thing will eventually turn into and while it may take more than a few months to get there, that's enough for me to beg for the surgery NOW.  Do all the radiation you want.  Make me glow green!  There's nothing quite like a little perspective to show that the horrible door #1 you swore you would never enter looked like a picnic once you saw door #2.  I'm just going to have her wack it all off.  I never understood why some women would rather walk around with one boob than just having none.  Maybe I'm weird for wanting symmetry. It's purely cosmetic and a flat chest is way better than a giant open cancer wound... FUNGATED.  Just think about what that sounds like.  Fungi, fungus.  No fucking way.  Just NO.

I was so bummed out after I got the reject call, I just felt totally shut down emotionally.  It was different than I normally am, which I attribute to my good buddy Cymbalta.  Rather than flying off the handle, I just shut down and tried not to cry.  I was feeling so down, I just couldn't get into anything I normally enjoy.  Shaun was worried I was closing off to him.  It wasn't that.  I was just trying to deal with a situation I had little to no power over.  Freak outs would do nothing to solve it.  I guess that's what was different this time.  I was able to logic my way out of it... sort of.  Later that night Shaun and I had some cuddle time while catching up on some Doctor Who and I kept feeling like I couldn't get enough air.  I started feeling panicky so I took a Klonipin and fell asleep for a couple of hours on Shaun's lap.  I felt a bit guilty for taking "us time" to sleep but he felt like he was taking care of me so it made him happy.  I felt better after the nap.

Hopefully we can get some forward motion on this before the end of this week.  I'm really hoping my doc will schedule a surgery.  We can worry about the scans in the meantime.