Picking up where I left off yesterday, I was talking about what I've been leaning towards as far as what I plan to do with this new news. Simply put, probably nothing. When I first was diagnosed, I remember updating my will and I stated previously that I never wanted any kind of chemo or radiation... That I'd rather die. Well talk about put up or shut up. It's so easy to say what we would do in whatever situation, but until you're in it, you don't really know shit about what you'd actually do. The will to survive is incredibly strong. Some may say it's weak to "give up", be it by suicide or refusing treatment. I say it takes strength to let go of the illusion of control, of the ever important beating heart that takes nothing else into consideration such as quality of life. I actually re-read through my older posts about what exactly I went through when I did agree to do conventional cancer treatments, which is what you'd expect it to be. Pure torture. I can't even say it was temporary. I only agreed to do the treatments that had lower chances of leaving me debilitated permanently and that ended up being one type of chemo and 1 or 2 treatments of the second kind of chemo, no radiation and maybe a few weeks of the estrogen blocking pill I was supposed to be on for the next 10 years. That pill made me suicidal and I knew it was the pill. Logically I was happy in my life but constantly had a tug of war inside my brain about being happy and also wanting to drive my car off a cliff. It was scary and bizarre and totally not worth the risk. The other crazy side effects I dealt with are already listed so no need to do that again. I did want to mention I was amused by the last few sentences of one entry that talked about 2 funny things that happened, which I never wrote about. The entry just stopped right there. That pretty much summed up my brain and even now I'm not a whole lot better off, which I will discuss.
So at the moment I seem to be pragmatic about my approach on whether to go through with another set of torture treatments or just let things go as they will and eventually succumb to the cancer. First off, I want to know more information so I can make a truly informed choice. Only then will I really make a solid decision but I'm leaning heavily towards no treatment, unless another mastectomy (removing the reconstructed breasts) would do me some major good and/or there are experimental treatments to try that are less severe. I'm thinking they will tell me that I will need to do chemo and radiation still and I'm going to tell them no, I will not. The only reasons I would do that is for more time on this planet with Shaun. I love my life with him so much and don't want it to end. At the same time, I don't ever want to be a burden on my family. I realize that no matter what I do, I will end up in pain and will be a burden, at least for a time. Shaun has told me he supports me in whatever decision I make, including one that would mean I may die sooner. He has seen the suffering and ruin caused by multiple rounds of chemo and radiation. Also, I don't want to drain all our financial resources and then die anyway, leaving him destitute and having to start over. He would do that for me, but that's not what I want. Another part of my decision has to do with my age and the way our world is going. I would really suck in a zombie apocalypse. I mean dying by zombie is so gross and horrifying I probably would just go ahead and jump off a cliff. Same goes if we all end up in a situation where we are hiding in our houses with our little stashes of food and water and having to guard it with guns. I mean, no. I can't live like that. I would definitely not be an asset in that kind of situation. I'm in pain all the time, have zero stamina and would just be an anchor. I don't really feel relevant or useful for much anymore. I take care of my patient. That brings me to the next thing. I've been blowing off some things for a few years now that Shaun has been worried about and now I'm starting to worry about it too because it's getting to a point where I could put myself or someone else in harm's way. Ever since chemo, I have a poor memory and I always thought this was from chemo but it's been almost 4 years and my memory problems are getting far worse. I will forget something after only a few seconds and will have to check maybe 3 or 4 times in a row just to make sure I am remembering a small thing, like an appointment time or who I was just talking to. I forget movies and TV shows to the point where I can rewatch them and it's like watching them for the first time, with just a few bits coming back to me. Also, periodically I get intense dizzy spells where I am nauseous, break out in a cold sweat and feel like I'm about to pass out. I get night sweats nearly every day even though I'm almost always cold and I never get hot flashes. I'm also still having a regular period. In the past week I've been having really long, detailed and vivid dreams, some that are very disturbing. In one dream, I killed one of my cats by sawing through his neck skin with my teeth. In my dream mind, I was preventing him from future suffering so it needed to be done. I can still vividly remember his warm blood pumping over my arms and hands as I held him while he died. (Please be assured he is safe and extremely spoiled).
These things seem like they could be a pattern for something so I intend on talking to my oncologist about it and see if she thinks it's something that needs investigation. The memory problems worry me the most since I am a nurse and hold a little life in my hands. I need to make sure I can do my job in a safe manner.
Shaun and I have been discussing if and how it would be possible for me to leave my job and be able to afford a lean but comfortable life. So far, we cannot but we are scaling back and I'm starting to research into the possibility of some type of job that allows me to work from home doing data entry or something... Something that doesn't involve someone else's life and death, if you know what I mean. I don't want to accidentally kill anyone, myself included. Also, if there is a way for me to go on permanent disability, we probably could get enough money from social security to be okay. I'm not there yet but I really don't know what all is going on so I can't say. We are just trying to explore solutions to the different pathways this can go down. Partly it's just to keep ourselves busy while waiting for more information and answers.
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