Treading Water

Lately I've noticed I've been having a lot of problems with anxiety and while I'm able to show a good face to the world, my jaw and teeth hurt, which means I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep and clenching my jaw, and I get nauseous a lot.  I can can feel the muscles in my back and neck squeezing.  It's all stress.  I got in a huge fight with my mom on the phone.  Totally me starting it being confrontational but then I got really angry when she started popping off about BLM and how they are "so full of hate you can see it in their faces" and they are causing so many problems.  Then she started popping off about a bunch of other right wing bullshit.  I actually said "fucking" to my mom, which I've never purposely done, probably ever in my life.  She ended up hanging up on me.  Really how it started was me asking her to please stop saying "Just give him a chance" because I'm deleting every single person off my list that says that from now on.  I mean seriously, if 2 years of horrible behavior still leaves you blind and deaf, there's no hope for you.  Anyway, she said, "Just delete me then" and it spiraled from there.  My mom is a racist and she's anti immigrant but she doesn't know it because she has that one friend from India and a gay daughter and bla bla bla... the bullshit that bigots say as proof they aren't bigots.  I just can't stand it.  She asked me what I expect her to do and I said, stop being silent about everything.  SAY SOMETHING!  Call people out on their shit.  Her church is anti-gay, her political party is anti everything except money and guns.  It's so hypocritical!  I was in a mood because I had woken up to yet another shit storm.  Anyway, tonight I decided I'm going to do something constructive with it.  I was given $100 by my patient's grandmother, which she does on the holiday and it drives me nuts but she just won't stop, SO, I still have the money.  I've decided to give $100 to the ACLU and donate it in my mom's name.

In the meantime, Shaun's surgery is Thursday morning and I am losing patience with the whining.  OMG!  I finally told him I don't care about every micro sensation he feels in his body.  I don't need the play by play every 5 minutes.  For reals!  He has, at least, a mild form of hypochondria.  If he has a headache, he must be about to have a stroke and he'll take his blood pressure every 30 minutes.  I mean I don't care about that but I don't want to hear about it constantly.  Chart by exception!!!  That means, if something changes, let me know.  That probably sounds terribly heartless but come on... this is almost daily for 7 years.  I've even had to call an ambulance before because he was sure he was dying.  Nothing wrong.  I have tried very hard to at least appear understanding and patient but it's been so much worse the past few months, I'm like "YAY WORK!"  HIs version of not complaining about every sensation is to moan loudly and then say "sorry".   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

On a related note, I saw my GP about the weight loss surgery thing.  She put in the referral but says it's kind of a long shot.  She also gave me a prescription for Klonopin and I have an appointment with my dentist next week to get a mouth guard so I can save what's left of my teeth.