This week has been pretty brutal. I've had to do a list of things to move forward with my surgery and it's all on day-walker hours so it was harsh. Shaun is still dealing with stuff. If it's not stuff about the surgery, it's stuff about menopause/hormone changes. I don't feel like listing it out. I'm just trying to not feel overwhelmed with taking care of all the day to day stuff, at the same time as going to tons of appointments and trying to get sleep in. Shaun mostly just sleeps. Earlier tonight my mother texted him to say she thinks I have her blocked so I'm not receiving her phone calls or messages. He shared it with me and complained about being in the middle. I texted my mother back to tell her I did not have her blocked. I just don't want to talk to her. She thinks I won't talk to her because of what she posts or doesn't post to her FB. Then she said I wasn't talking to her because she hung up on me. I told her I'm not talking to her because she's blind to herself and I'm focused on surviving the orange piece of shit and her religion that is so terrified of "the other" that they want to burn the whole fucking country down. She quoted me a bible verse. I told her I can't wait for her religion to go extinct.
And so it goes...
Every time I see another Dumpster loudly being racist, a bigot or saying something totally stupid, my mother's face pops into my mind. I can't help it. She is now the symbol for everything Dumpster. She listed off the things she was helpful with in my life. You know... all the times I stumbled and fell and she was there. My mom is very big on duty, as was her mother. She did what was on the list of rules and that's the same as love. Except when you expect something in return or you get mad when the recipients of your deeds don't respond or act in a certain way, that's duty, not love. That's giving a gift with an invoice attached. I don't really know if or when I'll talk to my mother again. I just know that right now, my stress levels are too high to be able to deal with her so either the political climate needs to chill the fuck out or my mom needs to have the actual capacity to take responsibility for SOMETHING in her life. I think she did finally apologize to my sister for disowning her for 2 years because she got pregnant out of wedlock but it took her about 20 years to actually acknowledge it was really shitty. She said she's so happy she doesn't live a life of hate. Okay mom... Sure. I did not respond to that. That's the thing... She has no idea who she actually is and how her actions are harmful. I'm just out of spoons. I need to focus on the legislation that is targeting Shaun and I, try to deal with all the emotions of fear and grief coming from everywhere, deal with my upcoming surgery and try to manage all the anxiety that comes with what I just mentioned. I just don't have anything extra to give to stupid people because the list of rules says I should.
Monday morning I have a "Pre Op" appointment and that is when I will find out the date of my surgery. I'm going to try to make it for 2 weeks from last Tuesday. I need to get all of this taken care of before April, when the other night nurse is going to be out for a couple of weeks. I've been busting my ass to get this as fast tracked as possible. Shaun wants me to do it before his FMLA runs out. I'm not sure how he thinks he will be able to help me when he can't even do the dishes right now. As all things, it will work out somehow. The side effects of having this surgery are numerous and a bit daunting. It will come at a heavy price, besides financial. It needs to be done though. Even with me watching what I eat and being careful most of the time, I have gained 3 pounds every week this year. It's terrifying actually. My stomach is hard and straining against the long scar that goes from one hip to the other. Almost none of my clothes fit anymore. It takes more effort to breathe. It just needs to be done. Temporary hair loss will likely be one of the side effects. If it gets weird, I'll just shave my head again. Been there, done that. Also I'm not supposed to drink alcohol for at least 18 months. I probably will not follow that rule though I will definitely make it on rare ocassion and much less in quantity. The nutritionist said no one ever follows that rule. I think his main thing was, don't switch addictions. I started my pre surgery diet Tuesday, which is high protein, low carb. No more than 30 grams of carbs a day which is nothing. Shaun got me some tiny Atkins bars and those have 20 grams of carbs. The purpose of the diet is to shrink the liver so the stomach can be accessed for the surgery. Without the diet, the liver would be in the way too much and surgery would be cancelled. After the surgery I'll be on pure liquids for a few weeks, then purreed foods, then soft, then regular. It takes months to get to regular foods.
Shaun and I got into an interesting conversation. The state of Texas is now going after LGBT rights with renewed vigor. We talked about how Shaun could legally change his gender marker since he's had top surgery and a hysterectomy, if Texas were to take away the right to same sex marriage. Then the conversation took a dark detour and we thought about the worst happening. What if we were put in detention or prison for protesting or whatever? What about the bathroom bill? If his marker changed, it would mean forcing him to be locked up with men. That terrified him. He would be somebody's bitch for sure in that case. He abandoned the gender marker idea after that because the thought of being forced into spaces with men was too terrifying for him. These are just some of the things we talk about that other people would never even think to be an issue.
I'm so looking forward to the possibility of getting restful sleep and not being exhausted all the time. To be able to move better without so much pain and just feel better about my insides and outsides.
I really need to get back into painting.
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