Love and Marriage

I'm actually posting at work!  I found myself often sitting here wishing I had an actual keyboard to type on.  It really sucks to try to write something long with a phone or tablet.  I have an old laptop that's actually really nice but it's very big and heavy and I couldn't get anything to work on it... not even the camera!  I originally was going to download Skype on it so I could video chat easier.  Trying to balance my tablet so it's not pointing at the ceiling is tedious and annoying.  It wouldn't even download Skype.  Shaun agreed to let me buy a new laptop.  I was going to get a cheapie one since I wasn't going to be gaming on it or anything real strenuous but ended up getting a pretty nice one for a thousand.  It's very thin and light, has the camera, of course and a decent amount of memory so I'm not sitting here forever waiting for stuff to load.  Hopefully it will last me a long while.  A few hours ago Shaun was able to fix my old laptop by downloading Windows 10 from a mirror site.  When I tried to get it from MS, they wanted me to pay over $100.  When did people have to start paying for that upgrade?  Anyway, it still gets hot very easily so he's going to open it up and see if it's anything obvious.  If it's an easy fix, maybe we'll find someone to give it to who needs a laptop and doesn't mind lugging a 10 pound laptop around.  lol...

Enough small talk!

Yesterday marked 7 years of Shaun and I being together.  I think 7 years on Friday the 13th is pretty awesome in a numbers sort of way.  I had to work and we decided we don't need to celebrate for 2 anniversaries a year.  We actually have 3 anniversaries.  We have January 13th, when we officially became a couple, February 13th when we got legally married, and April 13th, when we were handfasted before it was legal for us to get married in Texas.  We are choosing the handfasting because no one tells us when our marriage is real but us.  Still, yesterday was significant, even if we didn't do anything major.  I got some nice comments, the ones that people are supposed to say and I kept my big mouth shut because I didn't want to ruin it.  I'm not saying that because I think things are bad.  They have been good, actually, since I had to climb out of my dark hole, but what I wanted to say was that it wasn't good times and laughter that held us together.  Anyone can stay together when things are good.  I wanted to say that we have stayed together because we've gone through some major shit together and figured out a way to get through it... So far.  I guess that's the other thing.  I try to never take what I have for granted.  Sometimes, when you've been with someone for a long time and they've put up with your same shit over a long period of time, you can get comfortable and think that continuing to pile shit on them will always be forgiven, but I've learned that everyone has their limits, and sometimes those people hit that limit and they are just done and over it and you lose them.  We check ourselves.  We know our flaws and we know what lines not to cross. I should say that we are still learning which lines can and cannot be crossed.  Shaun learned one of my lines that cannot be crossed.

A lot of it is learning how to fight without fighting dirty.  Sometiems we actually play fight and to us it's hilarious but some people think we are actually arguing, which is also funny.  It has to do with comedy shows we watch.  We watch these actors saying and doing the most ridiculous things and we are both amazed how they don't crack up or we wonder out loud how many takes it must have taken to do the scene without busting out laughing.  That's what we do with each other.  We say ridiculous stuff and try to keep a straight face and the other one says something equally ridiculous and it goes until someone busts out laughing and you get to declare yourself winner.  It's actually one of the ways we have avoided getting into real fights.  I'm not even sure something like that can be taught.  That past year or two has been a bit rough because I would try to do that with Shaun and he would blow up at me.  After everything fell apart a few weeks ago we had some really great talks and one of the things we kind of sorted out was how my cancer affected him.  He said he's been having a really hard time lately because people keep asking him how I'm doing with the cancer.  Also that when I was on chemo, it changed my brain in way that I could not tell when someone was being sarcastic or serious.  That coupled with us discussing some things that have been bothering my cuz, that make her feel like he's taking his time with me for granted because I may not live a long life.  When I brought that up he kind of blew it off but I saw validity in it.  I mean, I don't dwell on it because there's no point, but she's right.  I did less than half my chemo treatments, no radiation and no hormone blocker pill.  I'm happy with my choice but the survival rates are based on 5 years and I'm only 2 years out of it.  A few days later he got real emotional about it and overwhelmed.  He had some really freaky calls come in at work and everything just kind of crushed him.  He said he can't handle the thought of losing me so he just tries not to think about it at all.  I get that too.  He's been all over the place emotionally and I really think he's going through perimenopause.  I think the crazy hormone imbalance is also triggering a mid life crisis type thing.  Oh, and he also got majorly fucked over by a coworker.  He's been studying for the captain's test for the last 6 or 7 months and in order to take the test, there have to be 3 people show up for it.  One of his coworkers never showed up so he and one other person sat there waiting until 9am and they cancelled the test.  They only get one chance a year to take it too and next year, there will be many people eligible for it.  That takes care of the 3 people part, but it also means there's way more competition for one spot.  It just really sucks to me that one person can have that much control over everyone's life.  This person also calls in sick all the time and doesn't give the tiniest shit about her job.  Shaun has been totally devastated by it and just trying to ot have a complete breakdown since he's just barely hanging on the edge himself.

Speaking of which, he did go see our gynecologist, who is the best ever, and scheduled a complete hysterectomy.  I'm really hoping this takes care of a lot of issues.  *crossing fingers*  We shall see.  The hormone/period issues have been going on for many years and have gotten a lot worse over time.  The surgery is in 12 days. That should also make our sex life better so we don't have 2 periods a month to contend with.

Well my patient is waking up so I must tend to him.  He's been sick this week.  IT was a bit touch an go a few nights ago but I think he's on the mend.  Yay, no hospital!  *knock on wood*